BPD and platonic friendships, do they treat them the same way?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Most of the threads that I have here are related to relationships of couples and how a BPD threats the other member of the relationship. I have not read much here or elsewhere, though, regarding how they treat friendships. Do they approach them in much the same manner? Acting out... .splitting... .casting them out... .recycling... .painting them black, etc. ?

[JRT]

Most of the threads that I have here are related to relationships of couples and how a BPD threats the other member of the relationship. I have not read much here or elsewhere, though, regarding how they treat friendships. Do they approach them in much the same manner? Acting out... .splitting... .casting them out... .recycling... .painting them black, etc. ?

[Haye]

Do they approach them in much the same manner? Acting out... .splitting... .casting them out... .recycling... .painting them black, etc. ?

Guess it depends on the pwBPD. My SO has a tendency to do that object constancy thing to his friends, depending on his mood cycles. In certain part of the cycle he sort of forgets them. Looses interest, or they become meaningless. Doesn't answer their calls, or answers them but appears not interested. Then he all of sudden 'remembers' them, wants to talk and meet etc. Usually this happens when he is the push-part of the cycle (ie pushes me away and fills his life with friends and exes). He doesn't paint other people black that badly, mostly he paints himself all black. Doesn't have many friends left, though, as most people aren't really happy to be treated like that. Has a multitude of exes and ex-dates, and most of them don't talk to him either.

[JRT]

Hmmmmm... .have not heard of 'object constancy'... .what is that?

When I got together with mine, she really had no friends at all, not even people that she socialized with at work. It is something that she kept away from me. Gradually, she began to mention this one and that one with whom she had a 'falling out' at some point. As her disappearing act came nearer (in retrospect), although she expressed disdain and contempt for all 4 of them (it was deserved), she brought them all back into her life. Its also interesting to note that she had nothing but scathing criticism for her siblings, their spouses, parents and distant relatives. I had wondered if this was consistent with a BPD.

[eyvindr]

JRT --

"Object constancy" basically is the ability to understand and accept that if something exists when you can see and touch it, it still exists when it's out of your reach or line of sight.

Also known as object permanence -- Wikipedia: "the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed (seen, heard, touched, smelled or sensed in any way)."

As it applies to pwBPD, on the emotional level, it presents more as an inability to accept that connections that they have with other people -- friends, family, lovers -- remain in place even when they are physically separated from that person, or not communicating with them.

This concept helps explain a lot of BPD-type behaviors, like --

• The need for constant emotional reassurance -- that the relationship is ok, that your feelings haven't changed, that you will see them again, etc.



• The pwBPD's near-suffocating (to the partner) need for almost continuous contact, via phone, email, txt msging

-- and many more that have been shared on these boards.

A little more (from Wikipedia again, italics mine):

Jean Piaget, the Swiss psychologist who first studied object permanence in infants, argued that object permanence is one of an infant's most important accomplishments, as without this concept, objects would have no separate, permanent existence. In Piaget's theory of cognitive development infants develop this understanding by the end of the "sensorimotor stage," which lasts from birth to about two years of age.

Sound familiar? -- the shaky sense of self, the lack of a core personality? This meshes with theories that pwBPD may have suffered some kind of childhood trauma (abuse, neglect, illness, etc.) that prevented them from developing normal attachment styles. When we experience our pwBPD behaving "like children" in response to life stressors, it fits with the idea that their emotional development, including coping mechanisms like self-soothing, was arrested at the time of their trauma. So much about BPD is fascinating, when you can look at it purely from an intellectual perspective.

What still puzzles the isht out of me is how this kind of explanation, clear and clinical as it is, wouldn't permit those suffering wBPD to better understand themselves, with an eye towards healing. Why wouldn't knowing this provide them with a sort of "get out of shame free" card, if you will? Why doesn't this knowledge help them see that whatever happened to them, it had nothing to do with their intrinsic value as humans? It removes all question of fault or blame -- they were children when they were affected -- nothing about this makes them unworthy of love. I really struggle with this.

[JRT]

Interesting on many levels... .

So: what this means as far as friendships are concerned (as well as with relationships), that because they have not fully developed the 'object constancy' that most of us have that it would explain the need to constantly be stroked... .or explains why they constantly need chaos (to some degree); it strokes them in a way and gives them the proper IV drip of stroking to let them know that the world has not stopped spinning and they are still 'alive'. It fills them inside and gives them some sense of purpose or feeling that they have survived. But does that mean that her friends are nothing more than utilitarian to them?

My ex has had a child like reaction to stresses as well as to her disappearing act. Does this this explain the way that she b/u (while i was out of town and via text)? And her unwillingness to communicate AT ALL with me (she has put significant barriers in place to prevent any communication)? From child like stubbornness? Or is her avoidance more based upon her shame?

Yeah, this has been intellectually fascinating to me. While I am not fully recovered from her, I have a lot of hurt behind me. The topic, however, is really becoming a bit addicting.

[Tim300]

Most of the threads that I have here are related to relationships of couples and how a BPD threats the other member of the relationship. I have not read much here or elsewhere, though, regarding how they treat friendships. Do they approach them in much the same manner? Acting out... .splitting... .casting them out... .recycling... .painting them black, etc. ?

Mine did this.  She would cut out her female friends for the most ridiculous reasons.  She would get unreasonably angry about some little perceived slight.  Both my pwBPD and her mother openly acknowledged that my pwBPD had extreme difficulty maintaining any friendships with women.  I think guys could ignore some of her unreasonable behavior by assuming that she just had PMS or is playing hard to get, etc.  Women wouldn't stick around for this.  With all this being said, she seemed to reserve the worst of her abusive BPD behavior for me, her fiance.  And this nasty behavior did not surface until we got engaged.  Her greatest BPD trigger was fears of abandonment, which really made her act psychotic around me at times (esp. once we lived together).  I didn't see anyone else in her life trigger these fears of abandonment.   

[eyvindr]

JRT --

I hear ya. If, like me, you're wired fundamentally to interpret your perceptions of the world through a rational filter, it's hard to stop trying to understand something that is impacting your sense of what's going on. There's comfort in that. But it can get obsessive, yeah. Hard for me to walk by my laptop when I'm at home without jumping on here for a bit.

To respond to your question -- could be. The more I learn about these things, the more I feel like it's always a combination of a lot of things -- nature, nurture, biology, environmental factors, dynamic of FOO and parent/caretaker relationships, potential health issues for mother that may have had in vitro impact during pregnancy -- who knows? I've heard doctor's explain things at times by saying something along the lines of, "sometimes, you just wind up with bad protoplasm in the wound."

It's important to remember that everyone, whether or not they've been Dx'd with a PD, exists on some spectrum. And the people in our lives who we've experienced strangeness may likely just score higher up on whatever spectrum or constellation of interwoven spectrums they happen to be on.

Wrt the addiction to make sense of it all, yeah... .so... .what are you doing for JRT these days? Besides becoming an expert on BPD, what are you doing for fun?

[JRT]

Most of the threads that I have here are related to relationships of couples and how a BPD threats the other member of the relationship. I have not read much here or elsewhere, though, regarding how they treat friendships. Do they approach them in much the same manner? Acting out... .splitting... .casting them out... .recycling... .painting them black, etc. ?

Mine did this.  She would cut out her female friends for the most ridiculous reasons.  She would get unreasonably angry about some little perceived slight.  Both my pwBPD and her mother openly acknowledged that my pwBPD had extreme difficulty maintaining any friendships with women.  I think guys could ignore some of her unreasonable behavior by assuming that she just had PMS or is playing hard to get, etc.  Women wouldn't stick around for this.  With all this being said, she seemed to reserve the worst of her abusive BPD behavior for me, her fiance.  And this nasty behavior did not surface until we got engaged.  Her greatest BPD trigger was fears of abandonment, which really made her act psychotic around me at times (esp. once we lived together).  I didn't see anyone else in her life trigger these fears of abandonment.   

Interesting... .mine did the same things to her friends... .she was very quiet about things that would hint at her dysfunction.,.then would slowly introduce them... .it was interesting the way that she did; almost like it was on a checklist of things that she needed to bring up. Like her ex's, she was always the victim; her friends had acted inappropriately and she cast them away for whatever reason sometimes for a year or more. At the time that I met her, all of them were split and only slowly did she reach back out to them (I wonder if it was in anticipation of her splitting me. But at the time I felt that it was a manifestation of improving emotional health.).

As of yesterday, she had actually recruited the one that she had the most contempt for into our breakup (attempting to get me to return some property via IM). Interestingly, all of them had really messed up lives as far as relationships are concerned (birds of a feather flock together).

[JRT]

JRT --

I hear ya. If, like me, you're wired fundamentally to interpret your perceptions of the world through a rational filter, it's hard to stop trying to understand something that is impacting your sense of what's going on. There's comfort in that. But it can get obsessive, yeah. Hard for me to walk by my laptop when I'm at home without jumping on here for a bit.

To respond to your question -- could be. The more I learn about these things, the more I feel like it's always a combination of a lot of things -- nature, nurture, biology, environmental factors, dynamic of FOO and parent/caretaker relationships, potential health issues for mother that may have had in vitro impact during pregnancy -- who knows? I've heard doctor's explain things at times by saying something along the lines of, "sometimes, you just wind up with bad protoplasm in the wound."

It's important to remember that everyone, whether or not they've been Dx'd with a PD, exists on some spectrum. And the people in our lives who we've experienced strangeness may likely just score higher up on whatever spectrum or constellation of interwoven spectrums they happen to be on.

Wrt the addiction to make sense of it all, yeah... .so... .what are you doing for JRT these days? Besides becoming an expert on BPD, what are you doing for fun?

Its certainly fascinating as a topic. Now I am going to have to figure out how to ween myself off of this as a narcotic, .

I am taking care of self: my daughter and I just came back from a 2 week tropical vacation, I play Big Band Jazz as a hobby in a couple of bands, I run, play tennis, cook, read (just finished 'eggshells', and am dating (one would probably consider me her bf but thats not how i feel. Dating at 48 is like trying to get gold from a turd I tell ya).

[4kidz]

I believe my UBPDW treats her closest friends normally. They may sense a little something but for the most part they are clueless as to what I experience almost daily. PerhAps her co workers may sense a bit of emotional instability because she is with them all day long. Unfortunately I am the only one that gets the full dose of BPD. Very frustrating as we all know that nobody could fathom what I(we) all experience and how challenging it can be. 

[JRT]

I believe my UBPDW treats her closest friends normally. They may sense a little something but for the most part they are clueless as to what I experience almost daily. PerhAps her co workers may sense a bit of emotional instability because she is with them all day long. Unfortunately I am the only one that gets the full dose of BPD. Very frustrating as we all know that nobody could fathom what I(we) all experience and how challenging it can be. 

Wow... .that's really interesting. I wonder if she was able to turn it on or off depending upon the nature of the relationship or if they had not experienced her BPD tendencies simply because they were not in her life with enough frequency? It would add another twist if they were able to turn it on and off depending upon the nature of the relationship. Is she tight with her coworkers? Do they do things socially? Mine use to rag about everyone that she worked with and never did anything socially with them (though, apparently, they had high compliments for me). Frankly, she ragged on everyone including her GF's and her family and it was not over their choice of neckties. It was always something deeply condemning that related to their character, spouses, marriage, etc. But often times in the very same breath, have something very flattering to say (INCLUDING her ex's!).

I am curious what the nature is of her relationships with her GF's? Tight, loose, infrequent?

[ShadowIntheNight]

If my ex had some sort of emotional connection to the woman she would split them. For instance she had an unhealthy adoration of her female bosses. She would want to do anything for them or want them to become her best friend. When they wouldn't reciprocate back she would tell me she was just going to "ignore" them and not do the little things she wanted to do for them. If they gave her a little grain back, they were "back together." And that is what I'd tell her when she would complain to me about them. I'd say "oh, you've broken up with your boss," or "oh, you're back together." She'd laugh because she knew it was the way she was. Now you can't be really disrespectful of your boss, afterall, but if they ever criticized the way she did something or they suggested she do something different, they were black as night and what she said about them to me was well insubordination.

Now one friend of hers who she developed an emotional relationship with, she split her because the girl (who was 15 yrs younger than her) wanted to be involved with my ex, and my ex told her she was in a longterm lesbian relationship, but couldn't get involved with her, My ex got upset when the girl introduced my ex to her boyfriend. I have no idea how it all went down and this happened 4 yrs ago, but as late as last year my ex was mostly ignoring her. She even told me that when she texts or emails my ex, she just ignores her.

Any of her friends she has no emotional investment in, they have regular friendships.

[missblue]

mine seemed to go in groups... .based on who he was (or was mirroring) at the time.

when he changed big aspects, the old group of friends went with the old trait.

so, he had one group of bar buddies who were really tight. then, he stopped drinking... .and even though they were still coworkers, it was like they were dead to him too.

likewise with changing jobs, or questioning his religious views. old friends were friends with the old person, new change=new person=new friend group.

i never saw friends be the ones to push him away from the changes, but he distanced them.

it was sort of interesting... .

[eyvindr]

I've seen a few different variations on this behavior, but it's certainly familiar.

The following could be a spot-on description of my ex-wife's life for the entire time we were together and for years after we split up:

mine seemed to go in groups... .based on who he was (or was mirroring) at the time.

when he changed big aspects, the old group of friends went with the old trait.

so, he had one group of bar buddies who were really tight. then, he stopped drinking... .and even though they were still coworkers, it was like they were dead to him too.

likewise with changing jobs, or questioning his religious views. old friends were friends with the old person, new change=new person=new friend group.

When we first got together, she presented herself as carefree and optimistic, but coming out of a divorce and a a subsequent broken heart. In retrospect, it was just par for the course for her. She bounced from job to job, each one initially a perfect fit for her. She'd charm everyone, become fast friends with everyone she worked with, and enjoy the thrill of running in whatever circles her new group ran in. Her priority was always socializing and goofing off -- which would eventually catch up to her in the office, and she'd begin having conflicts with people here and there. Those people would immediately be painted black, and before I knew it, she'd have quit and was looking for something else.

When we first split up and were still living in the same area, due to having joint custody of my son -- she literally moved 22 times in a span of 2 years, pretty much hopping from one friend to another, outstaying her welcome or exhausting their hospitality with her manic behavior. If she were a 19-yr-old college student at the time, it'd be called couch-surfing -- but at the time she was a 30-yr-old single mom, twice divorced, with a 3 yr old toddler who she refused to turn over custody for. Those were very frustrating and exhausting days  for sure.

My ex uBPDgf was more of the waif/hermit type, socially. She displayed a lot of signs of social anxiety -- claimed to be bothered by lots of noise, didn't like crowds, avoided bar-type environments, claiming that she didn't approve of irresponsible drinking, etc. She didn't so much jump from one group of friends to another as have compartmentalized groups of friends. For instance, she had a group of people who she'd worked with at the same company for a number of years. While she referred to them as her friends, she never did anything social with them -- according to her, she never went out to lunch with people, which she attributed to having a short lunch break, which she preferred to use to get out of the office. According to her, she'd either run out to a nearby Starbucks (which seemed to be a hub for an attention fix -- she often talked about her "Starbucks guys" who apparently worked nearby and had a habit of hanging out there (no idea if this was accurate, and as I tell it, it sounds kind of fishy, really -- the only people who "hang out" in Starbucks are students, salespeople, moms and retirees, as far as I can tell). She also liked to go window shop at some nearby factory outlets. And sometimes she said she just sat in her car and catnapped. Who knows -- I never had lunch with her on a work day the entire time we dated -- the few times I had a day off when she didn't and offered to meet her for lunch, she found a way out of it. I never gave it much thought -- from her descriptions, often negative, her work colleagues weren't the types of people I'd gravitate to, but I did begin to feel like she kind of had a separate personality at the office -- kind of the popular, snarky, cute girl of the bunch. She was vastly underemployed, but she was in a job that didn't require much interaction with other people and had very little accountability beyond her immediate job duties, so she worked with a lot of less educated, older women -- and she definitely liked to be the cutest girl in the room, and I'm sure she did her best to make herself appear to be the coolest, the most fashionable, sometimes the wildest, and often the most mysterious chick in the house. Maybe she worried that she wouldn't be able to keep up the facade if I were to meet her friends, because I'm not one to really play along if I feel like people are being snowed? I don't know.

She had other groups of friends, who she would mention only rarely -- so rarely that she would forget that she'd never mentioned them to be before, until I'd ask her "who's that?" I think the BPD was a big factor in this -- she thought everyone who recognized her well enough to say hi was a "friend" -- and she was very competitive about it. I tend to get along with most people, so I have a lot of acquaintances, who I can easily have a conversation with or enjoy having a drink with, and I often go to lunch with my work colleagues. But I have only a few people who I consider to be close friends, and I don't have any problems telling them apart. My ex was always suspicious of everyone I knew, especially if they were women -- didn't matter whether or not they were single, or, if they were attached, that I was also friends with their partners -- she seemed to see every female who knew my name as competition, which was silly. I never had eyes for anyone else the entire time we were together -- and if I had, given the BPD M.O., when would I have had the time or energy to act on it!  But it wasn't funny, after awhile, because she never let up about it -- and flat out demanded that, if we were going to be in a committed relationship, then I was required, out of respect to her as my partner and in the spirit of not keeping secrets from each other, to inform her of any such meetings with my friends. I thought it was a bit over the top, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt at first, and did as she asked -- I don't have anything to hide. But, when she'd still get angry about it and begin accusing me of such ridiculous things as making plans with my friends without including her, or intentionally planning to do things I knew she wouldn't be interested in so I could have time away from her, I grew tired of it, and started compartmentalizing myself -- simply not telling her about things that, innocent as they were, would just trigger her insecurities and cause pointless arguments that led to some of the worst moments in our r-ship -- I'm admittedly not real good at sitting back and permitting myself to be repeatedly accused of things I haven't done, and when my honest and open responses to her interrogations did nothing to assure her, I would get angry at her and withdraw -- only to then be accused of giving her the "Silent Treatment." SO depressing.

Incidentally, that's how she always wrote it -- "Silent Treatment" -- as if it's some kind of accepted usage. Very strange. Did anyone else's BPD display odd writing styles when communicating by email?

[4kidz]

Throught the years my UBPDW has had her share of run ins with fellow employess. Most  of them she either has painted black or white. Interestingly she has a small group that she does socialize with occasionally. My take is that they have worked with her for such a long time, when her emotions are off " its just her being her " and they know enough to provide space.

[JRT]

I suppose that it should come as little surprise that BPD's also also have strange/failed platonic relationships as well. It only stands to reason.

[parisian]

Mine has a strong, long-term group of bar buddies. Most of whom she works with/has worked with at some point. Some she went to college with. I suspect they knew she had BPD (and I didn't). She still has a couple of friendships from her school days (former r/ships from her late teens/early 20's). She used to complain about some of her friends' behaviour to me occassionally, but her friendship group doesn't change much. She does behave very differently with that group than how she did with me. That's the drunk, laughing, fun girl mask she wears.

For those that didn't know she has BPD, I think they would be very suprised if they learnt. She is high-functioning and extremely adept and clever at hiding it to that group I think.

She has also been in the same job for years, and I suspect some of her long-term co-workers (who are also friends) know she had BPD. Especially when she would get emotional at work if she had to talk about herself with her boss. Any difference of opinion / potential conflict almost caused an emotional melt-down.

I had known her for 10 years before we had a r/s, and she was different to me as a platonic friend than how she was in the r/s (was much more respectful as a platonic friend).

[JRT]

Thanks for your post... .so according to your experience, although some of her BPD shows every so slightly, it seems to me that yours chose to direct her proclivities towards directly. Its almost as if they choose to abuse the person that is the closest to them and demonstrating the MOST care and interest in them. Is that the case?

[eyvindr]

JRT --

In my experience, the key factor is intimacy. There's a definite correlation b/t the primacy of the r-ship and the level of exposure to typical BPD behaviors.

Similar to how parisian describes it -- this accurately describes my uPBDexw's behavior --

Mine has a strong, long-term group of bar buddies... .She does behave very differently with that group than how she did with me. That's the drunk, laughing, fun girl mask she wears.

Whereas this is much more descriptive of my uPBDexgf --

For those that didn't know she has BPD, I think they would be very suprised if they learnt. She is high-functioning and extremely adept and clever at hiding it to that group I think.

Despite the length of time my ex has known the people she works with (some for over 10 yrs), I've only met 2 of them. After one break-up, she claimed that she told her one friend that she had DID, and that her friend confessed that she was bipolar -- who knows. The other friend I called once, during a particularly crazy flare-up -- and it was extremely enlightening. My ex had always referred to this person as one of her "dearest and closest friends" -- but when we were talking, the woman very honestly informed me that, while she'd known my ex for years as a result of their shared work experience, she would hardly describe them as being close at all. To hear it from my ex, they were BFFs. Definitely scared me.[/quote]

I had known her for 10 years before we had a r/s, and she was different to me as a platonic friend than how she was in the r/s (was much more respectful as a platonic friend).

Mine, too, was incredibly cool and laid back about our r-ship -- until we slept together. After that, the very next Monday, I started getting emails about random interpersonal issues that she was stressing about at work -- the emails stand out in my memory for feeling, at the time, very uncharacteristic of this woman who I'd only known for a few months and who, if anything, seemed too easygoing to sweat the kind of nonsense she was now sharing with me.

All makes sense now. While our r-ship was developing, until we actually had sex, in her mind, emotionally, we were just buddies -- even though she knew I was interested in her and attracted to her. I held her hand, kissed her goodnight, hugged her, flirted with her -- stuff you do when you're interested in someone (all of which now, in her splitting campaign, she refers to as me "love-bombing" her). So, until we slept together, she was able to maintain a sense of boundaries -- once we had sex, though, in her mind we were the same person. I don't think it was conscious, really -- it felt more like she just began showing her real self, because I wasn't a separate person from her anymore, in her mind. I don't think any conscious thought went into that behavior change.

[JRT]

That's very interesting... .almost seems just  like a checklist sort of item. Either way, it does support the fact that most of them really do not have normal platonic relationships even though all of these accounts have variations upon this theme.

[parisian]

[quote  it does support the fact that most of them really do not have normal platonic relationships even though all of these accounts have variations upon this theme. [/quote]
Most of the 'normality' is the mask they wear to those who are not emotionally/physically enmeshed. I know mine would have to crash alone on weekends after too much socialising. It tires them out having to pretend to be something they're not for a long time. That's why they are completely opposite in a r/s. No need to put the mask on. I was truly shocked to discover that mine even had a personality disorder. The high-functioning ones are very clever and very practised at being 'normal' in front of others. I get there is alot of stigma with it so the mask is just part of avoiding that stigma too.

[ShadowIntheNight]

[quote  it does support the fact that most of them really do not have normal platonic relationships even though all of these accounts have variations upon this theme.

Most of the 'normality' is the mask they wear to those who are not emotionally/physically enmeshed. I know mine would have to crash alone on weekends after too much socialising. It tires them out having to pretend to be something they're not for a long time. That's why they are completely opposite in a r/s. No need to put the mask on. I was truly shocked to discover that mine even had a personality disorder. The high-functioning ones are very clever and very practised at being 'normal' in front of others. I get there is alot of stigma with it so the mask is just part of avoiding that stigma too.[/quote]
I concur. My ex is high functioning and at work is Miss Congeniality to everyone. Seriously, you'd think she was the personal greeter to everyone at her job site. I believe now she did it so everyone would know who she was so she could feel good about herself.

But when she got home, she'd totally numb out & if she didn't have to help the kids with homework would get in bed or sit in the den and watch TV til time to go to bed. I always told her that everyone would be amazed that she was such an introvert with the way she carried on at work. They would have been surprised she was in a Longterm lesbian relationship for 9.5 yrs too since she had painted herself as a long suffering single mother. But they do what they do to survive, no matter who they have to drive the knife through.

[Panda39]

My SO's seems to have co-dependent relationships with her female friends.  One friend likes drama - not surprisingly she gets her fill from uBPDx... .this same friend has a car - uPBDxw doesn't drive.  One friend is of a different religious background than uBPDxw and wanted to convert her... .This same person had a house - uBPDxw had been evicted (3rd time) and needed a place to stay. One lawyer friend had cancer - uBPDx took care of her... .Guess who became her divorce attorney.

I tend to see my SO's uBPDxw as a "con" that is always cultivating her next "mark".  I think most of these "friendships" are based on fictitious stories that she uses to reel these folks in, then she uses them and they her and in doing so they become closer to her eventually find out, she's lied to them, has stolen from them, or is just "off".

2 of the "friends" I mentioned above are no longer friends.  She literally has one "friend" left.  It's pathetic... .she's lost her husband, alienated her children and her family and is down to 1 friend all by her own actions. 

[parisian]

shadow, we went out with the same woman. mine had a 10 yr r/s before me. you were probably her ex   .

Not really, but I often wonder how many exes from the same pwBPD end up on here.

[Jo-Marie]

My BPDxbf had only two friends, neither of whom I would actually class as friends, more acquaintances.  He would see them rarely - maybe once every three months, and then if they instigated contact.


While we were together I noticed that

- one friend didn't return a dinner invite (even though she had a whole lot on including illness).  He was very bitter about this, as if she had fallen far short of expectations, and when I encouraged him to make contact he refused, and hasn't done since, despite apparently valuing her quite highly at the beginning

- the other friend talked about herself for a bit, and then she became "black".  I was really surprised - my friendships being pretty tolerant of give and take.  Since he and I broke up has he started being more friendly.



I only  thought about this because of this post.  But clearly he did split them, I just thought he was being unreasonable and unfair on them.  Which he was of course but not randomly - they had "slighted" him, and perhaps he feels betrayed as he used to do for me.  (I'm currently white although I left.)

To be honest, his "friends" are better off without someone who paints them black, though he of course is better off with them but can he see this clearly?  Can he see the effect of his actions?  He always feels completely justified.