People have NO idea what they're like behind closed doors...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I hate how our exBPD's friends think that they're the most amazing, talented, cute people ever. They feed their ego and make our exBPDs feel happy.

Meanwhile they have NO idea what they're like behind closed doors, how much hurt they can cause, or how terrible they have treated us.

We're the only ones who know, we're left completely discarded like garbage, and we can't say anything about it.

I hate this and how unfair it is.

[oortcloud]

I hate how our exBPD's friends think that they're the most amazing, talented, cute people ever. They feed their ego and make our exBPDs feel happy.

Meanwhile they have NO idea what they're like behind closed doors, how much hurt they can cause, or how terrible they have treated us.

We're the only ones who know, we're left completely discarded like garbage, and we can't say anything about it.

I hate this and how unfair it is.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, it is unfair, to everyone involved.  Someone who doesn't have a fully formed 'self' of their own, as borderlines don't, have no choice but the create a false self, a facade, and they've been doing it their whole lives so they're very good at it, not only that, a borderline's need to attach to feel whole, since they don't have that 'self' of their own, makes attaching, becoming who they need to be in any situation, mandatory.  We all do that to some extent, 'put on a happy face' so to speak, but we do have the option of just being ourselves, and usually do when we've built a relationship with someone.  But think about what it would be like if there was no 'self' to be, so behind closed doors when there's no need for the facade, the 'real' borderline comes out, someone perpetually focused on the threat of abandonment and shame, experiencing exaggerated emotional responses to everything that they can't modulate, and full of repressed experiences that aren't all that repressed; they bubble up as rage.  And if there's a person they've attached to close, that person becomes a dumping ground for all the sht the borderline can't deal with and doesn't want to feel, which creates stress in the relationship at the least and drives that person away at the worst, so it's back to being abandoned again, the worst thing that could happen.

So yes, mental illness is unfair to everyone, it most likely runs in the family, and if a borderline has kids, it perpetuates.  The best we can do is learn the lessons, the two primary ones being why did we get in so deep and why did we stay?  Maybe that's the purpose of borderlines, why they've made it this far in evolution, they have something to teach those of us who have something to learn, and I learned plenty, the gift of the relationship.

[myself]

why did we get in so deep and why did we stay?

One answer for both of these questions is that we also did not have a fully formed self at the time. We looked to the other too much for our happiness and worth, and were more easily manipulated and etc. because of it. Working on our boundaries, self esteem, and so on, in healthy ways, helps us break free of our old patterns. We find out not only who we are but that we can be even better than that. PwBPD are most often stuck in their maze.

[fromheeltoheal]

why did we get in so deep and why did we stay?

One answer for both of these questions is that we also did not have a fully formed self at the time. We looked to the other too much for our happiness and worth, and were more easily manipulated and etc. because of it. Working on our boundaries, self esteem, and so on, in healthy ways, helps us break free of our old patterns. We find out not only who we are but that we can be even better than that. PwBPD are most often stuck in their maze.

Yes songbook, that's where expressions like 'you can't love anyone until you love yourself' come from.  It's human nature to be happier in relationships than not, we're social animals, but are we capable of being happy and whole on our own, and to protect ourselves with boundaries?  Esteem is respect and admiration for someone, so self esteem is respect and admiration for ourselves; do we have that?

I was doing alright in all of those areas when we got together, but the cracks sure showed up the further we went, and the pain induced by the experience has been the drive to address them further since, the gift of the relationship.  It never would have worked with her, but the new and improved version of me is much more capable of healthy relationship today, and I thank her for that.

[Perfidy]

My feeling about self: we are born complete, we have a whole self at birth. From birth we grow. We learn. We adapt. Borderlines are maladapted. We all have a self. We were born with it and it is ours. Fully formed. Always. When a baby is born, we check them to make sure that they are complete. What hasn't occurred yet is growth. The baby is aware that it has a self but it doesn't know what that is. Our greatest achievement as human beings can only be to know ourselves.

[maxen]

we can't say anything about it.

actually you can. you do not have to stay silent, which is damaging, but you have to be mindful of how to present it and whom to present it to.

it is one of life's cruelties that we lose acquaintances and friends and in-laws, and are subject sometimes to smear campaigns. (i know for example that my wife consulted with a few friends before she blindsided me, and they apparently didn't oppose her plan. what did she tell them? what did they think was important?) but we have friends too, and they will know us to be honest. not one of my friends or family doubted what i had to say about the end of the marriage, and have supported me frequently through the divorce.

i told no-one but my two closest friends anything about what was up during the marriage, and them not much, because of basic discretion, but also because i thought no-one would believe what i had to say. and my wife was furious in fact when i reached out to mutual friends.

oortcloud, who do you have to talk to about this?

[drummerboy]

Yes, my ex comes across to acquaintances as the cutest, happiest, but vulnerable bundle of joy ever. But I defy anyone to spend much time with her to not notice her extreme anxiety and how all she does is basically talk about herself and perpetuate the victim mentality. The only really close friend my ex had had some issues herself. I don't think she is capable of having a close friendship with a mentally healthy person, she seems to associate with people that are a bit disordered or lacking in self esteem.

[Mr Hollande]

All I've had to say to anyone having a go at me for my ex's alleged status as an angel is "OK, try being in a relationship with her and then tell me what you think of her".

[cehlers55]

Don't stay silent. Don't let her smear you. Stand up for yourself tactfully and do it face to face with the person she's smearing you to.

I'm in the process of it right now. I had lunch with a friend who's been treated badly by my BPDexwife. Previously they were all friends (and still are sort of) but my wife continues to devalue his wife (he has no idea), and so there's the rub.

Basically i told him that i was sad that she didn't allow him and his wife to join our event. and i had no idea about what happened until after our breakup.

[Suzn]

Meanwhile they have NO idea what they're like behind closed doors, how much hurt they can cause, or how terrible they have treated us.

If you're anything like I was you hid her behaviors. May be worth exploring why if so.

We're the only ones who know

I wouldn't bet on that. I thought the same thing only to find out that most of the people that we both knew... .knew something was off. Some knew some downright terrible stories about my ex. My response to hearing that was always "why didn't you TELL me?" Their answer was always "would you have believed me?"

Some people take sides, that's just life. Consider the source. Some people don't and they just don't want to get involved. I found later the less I said about the ex the better off I was. Other people will see for themselves eventually. If they don't then they aren't paying attention.