BPD sister in law dying, son in hospital after suicide attempt, other...

[Calm Waters]

son off the rails, brother with cancer, brothers partner with parkinson's and dementia, dad  with dementia, mothers memorial a year ago she died

My wife has just left for London as her sister who is the most high functioning BPD I have ever encountered is finally dying after 7 years of stage 4 cancer. My sister in law used to be married to my best friend until they divorced about 9 years ago. The divorce and the recriminations split our family in two and even now on her dying day she has not done what most would do and healed the wounds for the sake of her three daughters... .my nieces.

2 months ago my oldest son who has been seriously effected by the above tried to end his life by jumping from a 5th floor window, he survived but with massive injuries, he is in a spinal injury unit 2 hours from where we live and is slowly coming to terms with his life changing injuries. I am undecided if he is suffering a personality disorder.

My younger son at 19 is completely off the rails with all the emotional disturbance, hes a good lad but has been self medicating with recreational drugs for some years and has possibly become BPD, im not sure.

My father at 92 and demented has been a massive NPD all my life and is slowly disintegrating since my massively BPD mother died this time last yea, she effectively finally committed suicide having been suicidal when i was a child.

My older brother has likely got his cancer back for the third time.

My life seems to be dogged with BPD and suicidality, I am suprised I am managing as well as I am, but its extremely disturbing and has in the past rekindled my own BPD and NPD traits. I guess we will all get through the next few days, weeks, years, however long it takes but its exhausting having so much BPD/ NPD and disturbance relentlessly

[PrettyPlease]

I guess we will all get through the next few days, weeks, years, however long it takes but its exhausting having so much BPD/ NPD and disturbance relentlessly

Wow Calm Waters, that's an awful lot to carry. I'm surprised really that you're doing as well as you are, you must have some amazing inner strengths.

I also had an uNPD/uBPD father mother combination (deceased), and it does seem to me that there were probably many other arms of both families that had PDs (including my sister, uBPD). IMO these things do travel in families -- maybe partly genetic, partly by family culture transmission. So there could end up being nodes of multiple people with PDs who enmesh with one another.

It sounds very difficult, what you're going through; and your wife, and sons, and brother. Are there any support systems for you personally? Counselors, doctors, supportive friends or relatives? --And for the others too, of course -- but there's a limit to how much any of us can take on. Do you feel responsible for helping them? Or is it more that it's difficult even knowing that they're having these struggles?

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters,

You're really dealing with a lot of very difficult things here. In spite of her BPD, I am sorry to hear your wife's sister is so sick.

I remember your previous posts in which you discussed the situation with your oldest son. I hope he'll be able to recover some more from those injuries and also heal himself emotionally and mentally.

I also understand how hard all of this must be on your other son so I understand why he's so affected. Is your youngest son getting help for his problems?

How are you feeling today? You say that these things in the past have rekindled your own BPD and NPD traits. Which traits are you talking about exactly? What are the traits you struggle with most?

It's very important to take good care of your own emotional and mental well being when so much stress is going on. This can be difficult though, I realize that. PrettyPlease asks a very good question, do you have a support network that can help you deal with all of this?

[Calm Waters]

Hi, yes I have a support network, I am in a mens group, they have been very supportive, My wife and I have been in therapy and our therapist has been amazing, we have good friends in the community where we live. The problem is that the whole family constelation is in crisis and we are spread over effectively 4 cities now, Im coping remarkably well having explored my BPD npd issues.

For me the BPD issue is the childhood resentment that flares up in certain situations, this translates to a furious rage when i am triggered. my mothe was a BPD suicidal waif who parentified me and my father is a NPD who cares little about anyone. Its a real struggle for me to deal with feeling overburdened by my intimates emotional needs when i feel mine are being ignored. If there is acknowledgement of my needs its ok, but of course being a parent of BPD trait boys... .well ... dream on.

[funfunctional]

Hi Calm Water,

You sound almost a little shell shock but in a way are stepping back and seeing the situations and the craziness of all of them.  I am so sorry about your oldest son.   You seem to be getting hit from all sides so please do keep the peace/calm that you have by taking time for yourself and being around people that are more mentally balanced.     What I see happen is a couple people in a family with mental illness can cause so many issues and this trickles down to the kids and then there is more and more problems.   

I am thinking of you and your family and do continue to be as strong as you have.

take care

[Calm Waters]

My sister in law died peacefully with her family around her last night at around 11.30, lucky in a way half an hour later she would have died on my sons birthday! So my wife is in London organising the funeral and I am in Salisbury hospital with my son on his birthday. What next great spirit? bring it on!

[Kwamina]

Hi Calm Waters,

I am very sorry for your loss. Having a BPD sister-in-law isn't easy but she was still your wife's sister and in spite of all the drama that comes along with BPD, I can imagine that this still is very hard for your wife.

How is your wife doing now? She's organizing the funeral but how did she take the news of her sister dying? Do you feel like she's coping well considering the circumstances?

Take care