trying to break free

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD husband of 13 years (together 20 years) has left me and our 4 children. He is now seeing a 27 year old (he is 52) who has been following him around for about 4 years. I'm certain that he has been cheating on me as he has done this with every relationship he has had. Despite all of the humiliation, pain, anger, and lack of respect, I am struggling to stop thinking about him and wishing he would change and come home. I feel disappointed in myself for having these feelings and recognise that I have put up with some really nasty and disrespectful behaviour from him for too long, but I'm still so sad. I know I can't ever enter into a relationship with him again and I wish that I didn't have to see him so that I could heal better but he calls or comes to pick the kids up every day and it is just dragging it out for me and stopping my wounds from healing. I guess I'm hoping that someone might be able to understand this and maybe offer some hope or strategies for wading my way through this. I just need to get it out of my head.

Thanks

[kazzas4]

My BPD husband of 13 years (together 20 years) has left me and our 4 children. He is now seeing a 27 year old (he is 52) who has been following him around for about 4 years. I'm certain that he has been cheating on me as he has done this with every relationship he has had. Despite all of the humiliation, pain, anger, and lack of respect, I am struggling to stop thinking about him and wishing he would change and come home. I feel disappointed in myself for having these feelings and recognise that I have put up with some really nasty and disrespectful behaviour from him for too long, but I'm still so sad. I know I can't ever enter into a relationship with him again and I wish that I didn't have to see him so that I could heal better but he calls or comes to pick the kids up every day and it is just dragging it out for me and stopping my wounds from healing. I guess I'm hoping that someone might be able to understand this and maybe offer some hope or strategies for wading my way through this. I just need to get it out of my head.

Thanks

[wavelife]

Hi,

I totally understand how you feel.  Although my marriage is only 3 years and I have known her 6.  I have been recycled 5 times and lied to and treated horribly over and over.  I feel for you with the children and the daily contact has to be excruciating.  Even though I don't have to see my wife and have NC for a month now I still miss her and think about our marriage a lot!  Considering what she has done and how horrible she has been it makes no sense to have any feelings for her other than "good riddance"  But I still don't understand it and it is all so messed up... .like you I wish at times that she could just change and come home to save our marriage.

As I have been through this with her before although not married at the time, I know in 6 months it will be much better and a year from now it will be great.

I don't know what you can do with your situation with the kids.  Set up a schedule that is not daily?  Weekends?  I know its hard on the kids but a break from the daily contact would help you.  Can someone else do the exchange with the kids to keep you out?

My heart breaks for you and I pray for healing for you    Hang in there, it will get better... .praying for you.

[WhoMe51]

kazza,

I am so sorry this has happened to you.  Twenty years is a long time to be with someone.  And for him to just walk out and be with someone almost half his age is devastating.  I can't imagine how you feel right now.  I wasn't married to my dBPDexgf, but we were engaged at one time.  We were together for 5 years and it was great in the beginning but painful in the end.  We didn't have children together so I don't have to see her.  At this time I would suggest that you figure out what you need for yourself.  This is where you have to figure out your own boundaries and stick by them.  I do agree that limiting your contact with him will help you heal.  When I read your posts, it appears to me that he can come by anytime and pick up the kids when he wants to.  I think I would start there and put some boundaries in.  Maybe a more scheduled time, instead of whenever he wants to.  It's like even though he left he is still setting the rules for the relationship.  I know you are trying to be fair for the kids, but you also have to be fair to yourself.  And he is going to have to understand this.  Because even though he doesn't see you this way, you are important.  You do matter.    I would just take one step at a time and be good to yourself.  And remember you will make mistakes along the way.  Healing is a process.  I'm glad you found us here.  This is a great place to receive much needed encouragement.  And you will find there are a lot of people who have been right where you are and they have come out of it stronger and so will you.