What is going through their minds

[Please help]

I know a main rule in dealing with mental illness is to not try and look at their actions from a rational perspective.

  Parents married young 16m / 21f as she was pregnant with me. After a few years, father went to prison, mother had kid with other guy. Father got out and I bounced with younger brother from family member to friend to neighbor. Mother was too busy living with boyfriends and father was rebuilding his life (mostly catching up on partying).   From 5-12 grade I went to 6 different school systems.

I lost contact with mother around 13-14. She told everyone I was an a-hole, into drugs, crime, etc and nothing but trouble so she was applying "tough love". 

I moved in with father and his new girlfriend. She did not care for me and all they did is drink , do drugs and fight. I stayed with them until I finished high school and moved out.

The strange thing is new girlfriend and mother got into fight when they first met (both arrested) but became best friends later ( via drugs). Somehow they both decided I was an a-hole, bad news, etc.

  I never really talked to my mother after 14 yrs old. She had kids with 5 or 6 different men. The kids are all into drugs. I do not know them personally. I read about them in the news.

  I spoke to father about 5 times in the past 20 years. He contacted me out of blue. He started implying I was an a-hole and took off on everyone. I tried applying SET principles and he knew I was steering the conversation towards his actions. He wanted none of that. I politely agreed he had a valid point. I abandoned my whole family and I am a jerk. I was able to get him to tell me why he contacted me after all these years. He said his kids with  ex girlfriend / wife are messed up on drugs and   he needs help dealing with them. I did not return his calls. He was probably hoping to guilt me into letting them live with me so he could be free (maybe let a girlfriend move in). By the way his kids are in their 20's but not that functional.

  Father ex g friend and my mother still occasionally talk. They are all working with diminished capacity (i.e slight slurs, etc) from their lifestyles.

My questions is this: How did I (the oldest) end up being the jerk? Did any of them ever consider trying to build a basic relationship with me? Or do they talk to each other in their drug addled minds and say wow -what a jerk our son was. Is this how mentally ill people frame things so they are not forced to acknowledge bad behavior?

It always bothers me how I was painted black. Even  people on death row have parents that still visit them. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, it is rather disturbing, isn't it?

As I read your post, the answer to your question seems rather easy: you were not there to cater to their "needs" and did not become their faithful enabler. Therefore you are "bad". Case closed.

The bigger question in my mind is - every person deserves to be cared for and loved by their parents, and you did not experience that. But that doesn't make the need/desire go away. How have you been able to overcome that in your life?

Have you found people who are healthy and able to reciprocate your love and care? Have you found healing for this wound in your childhood, or are you still searching?

[clljhns]

Hi please help,

I want to join passim-optimist in echoing the same questions:

The bigger question in my mind is - every person deserves to be cared for and loved by their parents, and you did not experience that. But that doesn't make the need/desire go away. How have you been able to overcome that in your life?

Have you found people who are healthy and able to reciprocate your love and care? Have you found healing for this wound in your childhood, or are you still searching?

I would also like to add that you should be very proud of yourself that you managed to walk away from the unhealthy lifestyle you witnessed as a child and didn't go down that path. I applaud you! You obviously have a strong sense of self and a determination to have a healthy life.

It also sounds like you have good boundaries. Not responding to dad's phone calls when he needs help is a good sign that you are not an enabler.

How do you feel that you were able to avoid the lifestyle that you saw your parents engaged in?

Hope to hear more of your story.

[Please help]

This may sound odd, but I feel grateful my parents neglected / abandoned me as they did not pass on any ( maybe a few) of their traits.

The wounds they caused will always remain with me. It took me a long time to accept that I was not at fault. Even though many adults looked at me in a bad light. I realize those adults ALL had issues of their own and gravitated towards addicts. I believe addicts / BPD people can sense when people are normal. They avoid / smear these normal people as all we do is either indirectly / directly point out their flaws. So they make stuff up about us.

I remember being around 15 and watching father's girlfriend smoke crack in front of her (2) infant children. I stated what  a loser she was and she kicked me out. My father later picked me up at work to sort the whole mess out.   He  and I got into a fist fight in the car while he was driving. He was throwing punches at me screaming he could not take this anymore. His girlfriend passed out and one of the toddlers drank bleach and an ambulance had to come. My response is a mother should not get high and pass out while her toddler kid's are at home. I was viewed as the a-hole.

As I am writing this, it is becoming clearer. I was an a-hole. I lived among crazies and always pointed out how much they sucked as people. I was probably perceived as being an arrogant douche. It makes perfect sense why none of them would want anything to do with me. They must have such a hatred for me. If I was messed up like them, I would not have thought anything of getting drunk and driving off the highway with your family in the car or trying to strangle your wife in front of your kids because she did all your drugs.

I should be grateful I could see the insanity at a young age and through the grace of God, was able to extract myself from such a horrible situation.

I met a beautiful woman who I can share a life with. Everything ended up okay for me. Occasionally, I get the pang of not having parents care about me. I have to remind myself what they think of me and how messed up they are.

As stated earlier, I did recently try to connect with father  on a healthy level. No mention of past, etc. He was not interested. He contacted me a few years back as he was really stuck with drug addict kids going crazy in his home. I know in my heart that is why he reached out.

As we all have learned , never trust an addict or mentally  ill person.

[clljhns]

Hi please help,

This may sound odd, but I feel grateful my parents neglected / abandoned me as they did not pass on any ( maybe a few) of their traits.

Not at all! This is the same perspective that I have. I believe that we had the parents we did for a reason. I am grateful that I moved in a different direction from the chaos of my parents home.

I remember being around 15 and watching father's girlfriend smoke crack in front of her (2) infant children. I stated what  a loser she was and she kicked me out. My father later picked me up at work to sort the whole mess out.   He  and I got into a fist fight in the car while he was driving. He was throwing punches at me screaming he could not take this anymore. His girlfriend passed out and one of the toddlers drank bleach and an ambulance had to come. My response is a mother should not get high and pass out while her toddler kid's are at home. I was viewed as the a-hole.

This had to be terrifying and traumatizing for such a young boy to witness. I can't imagine what you must have gone through as a child. I am so sorry that you were subjected to this.

I met a beautiful woman who I can share a life with. Everything ended up okay for me. Occasionally, I get the pang of not having parents care about me.

I am so happy to know that you have found someone to share your life with who shares your values. I do understand the pain of mourning the lose of something we never had, parents who were healthy and loved us unconditionally. How are you doing with this? Do you feel that this affects your life currently?

Take care of yourself, and let us know how you are doing.

[pessim-optimist]

I met a beautiful woman who I can share a life with. Everything ended up okay for me. Occasionally, I get the pang of not having parents care about me.

I am also happy for you that you have made a good life for yourself. As I read your story, I see the inner strength that it took to overcome this. You definitely are a survivor. 

I cannot compare my life with yours in terms of parents' alcohol or drug abuse as ours was a 'good family' looking in from the outside, but there was lots of dysfunction and abuse/neglect, and I felt like I was raising myself while fending off my parents when they did have time to focus on me.

Like you, I was kind of happy that they were mostly preoccupied with their lives, because I could have had it worse. I turned out "ok", have my life together and found a wonderful person to share life with also.

One thing that I realized, though, was that there were gaps in my upbringing and it took me approximately 20 extra years to mature into what I think a kid from a healthy family would be. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to grow (although it took the extra time) and I finally feel good and comfortable in my own skin. I am sure you have a journey of your own that you appreciate - all's well that ends well... .