Update after 5 months... broke no contact

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

First, I would like to apologize to everyone... .especially the mods and advisors, for disappearing 5 months back. Trying to be a board advisor brought back painful memories of last 10 yrs and I couldn't handle the pain.

I've been on these boards for 2 years now, talking about an on/off relationship with an ex of 10 yrs.

I broke no contact couple of weeks back. I was good for 5.5 months and completely avoided anything to do with her. Then I broke no contact and wisher her a happy new year. A couple of emails followed about how are you and everything. It ended last night with her telling me she is about to move to a small place near where I live with her husband to be. I had avoided social media like the plague for 5 months. Last night I went on Instagram, and the first thing I saw was her photo from her bridal shower on Sunday. Two double blows within minutes of each other.

A short back story. Had a crush on her in high school. Fell for her in college. She left me after 4 months (in 2006) because her family is conservative and wouldn't want her to marry, according to them, an infidel. She came back in late 2010. On and off every few months till last July when two hours after expressing her love for me, she tells me she is marrying someone else her father has picked.

I have not been able to forgive myself for falling for all the abuse, put-downs, cruelty that she did over the last 4 years. I do not know why I kept taking her back. This has been the hardest part of this relationship - ability to forgive myself. Everyone else saw the emotional instability on her part and the abusive behavior, but I kept defending her till the end.

Some thing makes me smile - I moved from a big city 350 miles away to do grad school. She said she is never moving away from the big city because she is a big city girl and has all family and friends there. Now she is moving even further away to the middle of nowhere to marry someone else. The words never matched her actions. And I kept falling for the words. I kept falling for the cruel abuse just because every once in a while she would make me feel special. This 6 month 'commitment' to the new guy has been longer than any commitment she has made to be over 10 yrs. I just wonder what was real. It messes your head so much. And I let it ruin my health, my career (quitting grad school soon) and everything else. Today she is a doctor marrying another doctor and starting a new life. I was always the better student, I could have chosen a different field, yet everything I did back then and over the years was keeping her in mind. Today I have nothing left. No PhD, no her, finding career at a very low level, no good health... .just painful memories. I am 29, and since 15 or 16 I have let my decisions be affected by her. Feels like I have wasted half my life, and I don't know where my future is going.

[elessar]

First, I would like to apologize to everyone... .especially the mods and advisors, for disappearing 5 months back. Trying to be a board advisor brought back painful memories of last 10 yrs and I couldn't handle the pain.

I've been on these boards for 2 years now, talking about an on/off relationship with an ex of 10 yrs.

I broke no contact couple of weeks back. I was good for 5.5 months and completely avoided anything to do with her. Then I broke no contact and wisher her a happy new year. A couple of emails followed about how are you and everything. It ended last night with her telling me she is about to move to a small place near where I live with her husband to be. I had avoided social media like the plague for 5 months. Last night I went on Instagram, and the first thing I saw was her photo from her bridal shower on Sunday. Two double blows within minutes of each other.

A short back story. Had a crush on her in high school. Fell for her in college. She left me after 4 months (in 2006) because her family is conservative and wouldn't want her to marry, according to them, an infidel. She came back in late 2010. On and off every few months till last July when two hours after expressing her love for me, she tells me she is marrying someone else her father has picked.

I have not been able to forgive myself for falling for all the abuse, put-downs, cruelty that she did over the last 4 years. I do not know why I kept taking her back. This has been the hardest part of this relationship - ability to forgive myself. Everyone else saw the emotional instability on her part and the abusive behavior, but I kept defending her till the end.

Some thing makes me smile - I moved from a big city 350 miles away to do grad school. She said she is never moving away from the big city because she is a big city girl and has all family and friends there. Now she is moving even further away to the middle of nowhere to marry someone else. The words never matched her actions. And I kept falling for the words. I kept falling for the cruel abuse just because every once in a while she would make me feel special. This 6 month 'commitment' to the new guy has been longer than any commitment she has made to be over 10 yrs. I just wonder what was real. It messes your head so much. And I let it ruin my health, my career (quitting grad school soon) and everything else. Today she is a doctor marrying another doctor and starting a new life. I was always the better student, I could have chosen a different field, yet everything I did back then and over the years was keeping her in mind. Today I have nothing left. No PhD, no her, finding career at a very low level, no good health... .just painful memories. I am 29, and since 15 or 16 I have let my decisions be affected by her. Feels like I have wasted half my life, and I don't know where my future is going.

[Tim300]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.  It will get better.

Rest assured that the new guy is not having it any better than you did -- for whatever that's worth.  Actually, this could all end up much worse for him than for you.  He's going to be stuck with a divorce and possibility the nightmare of having a child with her.  And she's going to get a nice payout from his doctor salary.  Heck, not only is she BPD but she was prompted to marry this guy at the advice of someone else. 

Know that in your 30s you are going to be an informed shopper.   

     

[cehlers55]

I totally agree with Tim. So sorry for what you're going through. But it does get a lot better. You are so young, 29. I'm still young too, at 32. And I'm getting over a 2.5 year marriage of hell from the BPD ex-wife. I'm doing really well but I still have a ways to go. We separated in November and have been NC since early December. It's really a waste of time for me to communicate with her. She will never get it. And she'll never understand her real problems. We're both still so young. Even your career is young. Start something new.  Again, as Tim said, We will both be more informed shoppers in the next go round. I'm sorry you dealt with it for 10 years. I dealt with 4.5 years and still am adjusting to my 'normal' old self. My opinion and outlook on life was so different living with someone with so many 'triggers'.

Cheer up. Work out. Take a vacation. Buy yourself a small gift, hang out with old friends or make some new ones. Life is good.

[Tibbles]

Hi - so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It's tough. Down days are hard and sometimes the future can look really daunting. The thing is she will stay the same and you won't. She does not have to opportunity to grow and learn and become a healthy person, you do. It will take time but it is going to happen for you. It is slowly happening for a lot of people who come to this site - me included. Not without a lot of pain but it is happening.

As for feeling like you wasted your life - I soo get that. I'm 50 out of a 30yr marriage. Talk about a waste! But then I think I am who I am today because of all I've been through. I'm closer to my parents than I have ever been, I'm close with my kids, sometimes I even look ahead and don't feel too terrified. I was reading about a 70yr old finishing their Post Doctorate and thought I could do that. Another 72 yr old was paragliding over Nepal for her birthday and I thought I can do that too! Life ain't over for me and it ain't over for you. It just feels like it sometimes. But those feelings pass. Hugs to you.