any light to shed? uBPDexgf did not like my nephew/niece or my dog

[raisins3142]

I don't have kids.  I have a small dog that I am close to and a nephew and niece that I'm close to also.

My ex never warmed up to my dog that much.  Before her, he used to sleep in my bed every night.  He is doing that again.

I can kind of understand not being a dog person, just barely.

What was really distressing was that she never warmed up to my nephew or niece at all.

My niece was obsessed with getting my ex's approval.  She is 4.

My ex would ignore my niece as she obviously tried to get her attention.  My ex would not say good bye to my niece, making her cry.

My ex had "resting b___ face" and a scowl unless she was being fake or, rarely, legitimately happy.

I did not witness this, but my family caught her staring at and scowling (even more than usual, she actually has scowl lines at the age of 32) at my niece and nephew to keep them away from her.

They said it was the creepiest thing they have ever witnessed.

So, what might cause this?

I think perhaps it was because they were close to me and she saw them as competition.

Not sure though.

P.S. She asked me once if I wanted kids, and I said maybe.  I asked her and she said "yes".  She later told me that she did not want kids and had no maternal instinct.  Just another lie for the kindling pile, I suppose.  Perhaps being so self centered and self obsessed prevents nurturing.  This explains how she had zero ability to be nurturing toward me or our relationship.

[arky]

They like to have you all to themselves. In my personal experience with my uBPDm, she would do this to me to make sure I had no one to "fall back" on when she would start spiraling. I had no support network because I was forced to be estranged from anyone who could give me strength or happiness in the times she was creating total chaos in my life. They work to make sure your life is all about them, and that you exist to serve them. They want you to have feelings and love for them, and only for them. Anything or anyone that comes in the way is seen as a threat.

[Inside]

So, what might cause this?

I think perhaps it was because they were close to me and she saw them as competition.

Not sure though.

I’ve read of this, as pwBPD are known to drive off our family and friends.  My BPxgf was bright, thus more subtle... .  But she’d once freaked out that I’d decided to visit my mother one weekend, which left me reluctant to do ‘that’ again.  She pretended to be close to my daughters, until she eventually refused to visit if either of them were here. 

PwBPD do so much ‘mirroring’ that they likely find it too draining to mirror or attach to someone they don’t expect to get anything from.  Mine definitely appeared jealous of my daughters, even their friends ... .if only because she’ll never look twenty-something again   They’re definitely insecure ... .thus instinctively attempt to drive away or keep us away from everyone.  And the closer we are to someone - the more effort they put toward splitting us  

[Tim300]

They like to have you all to themselves. In my personal experience with my uBPDm, she would do this to me to make sure I had no one to "fall back" on when she would start spiraling. I had no support network because I was forced to be estranged from anyone who could give me strength or happiness in the times she was creating total chaos in my life. They work to make sure your life is all about them, and that you exist to serve them. They want you to have feelings and love for them, and only for them. Anything or anyone that comes in the way is seen as a threat.

Yes, they like to have you all to themselves.  While pwBPD sometimes express an interest in having children, I think they generally don't care for children much because they can't get much out of them.  Also, pwBPD can be very jealous about children being the center of attention.  My BPDex-fiancee a few times expressed that she was terrified that if we had a kid I would pay a lot of attention to the kid. 

[fromheeltoheal]

One way to make the world simpler is to realize there are dog people and non-dog people.  Dog people are better.  And that has nothing to do with personality disorders.

I think perhaps it was because they were close to me and she saw them as competition.

Yep.  Or maybe not so much competition but something that was taking the attention away from her, since it needs to be all about her all the time.  Kind of like a first child is born and the parents fawn over it, it gets 100% of the resources, and then a second child is born and suddenly the first child is not the center of attention anymore and they have to learn to share.  Screw that!  Sibling rivalry is born.

[raisins3142]

Thanks everyone.

I suppose it would be difficult to mirror a child.

That's what most of us love about kids.  We can take off our professional, etc. "mask" (small "m" because we aren't BPD where the mask is kinda the identity, in a sense) and be silly and really be ourselves.

How could a BPD pull this off?  They'd have to mirror the kid or mirror someone they saw interacting with kids.  They couldn't just relax and be "themselves", I guess.

Oddly, she said as a kid she demanded everyone's attention and used to hit other kids at school and get in trouble... .hmm... .

[Rise]

My ex hated my dog as well. Part of it was the fact he was a messy, drooling, farting, snoring, 65 pound bulldog that didn't get that he wasn't a lap dog (which is a completely reasonable reason). But I really do think on some level she was jealous of the time and attention I gave to him. When we were watching tv at home, I would lay on the floor so I could snuggle with him, and every time she would get irritated to no end. She just couldn't get that me loving him in no detracted from me loving her. By the end of our relationship he became a giant trigger for her. Me loving something else, and giving it attention, left her feeling isolated, unloved, and abandoned.

She asked me once if I wanted kids, and I said maybe.  I asked her and she said "yes".  She later told me that she did not want kids and had no maternal instinct.  Just another lie for the kindling pile, I suppose.

As is often the case with a person with BPD, it may have just been a temporary emotion, not so much a lie. At the time something may have been causing her to feel her biological clock ticking, and she really did want kids. Later on, removed from whatever was making her feel that way, she probably sincerely had no interest. It's one of the most frustrating parts of dealing with a person who's life is completely driven by their emotions. They can sincerely mean what they are saying at the moment because that's really how they feel, and as soon as their feelings change, they can sincerely say the opposite. To someone who has a solid sense of themselves, and who's opinions aren't labile, this comes across as being dishonest or insincere. That doesn't mean a person with BPD never lies; it's just not always the case that they are.

One way to make the world simpler is to realize there are dog people and non-dog people.  Dog people are better.

Not to offend the non-dog people out there, but this is the most honest statement made on these boards. EVER. 

[Inside]

My ex hated my dog as well.

My BPex was OK with my dog, though often left me to spend more time alone with her than necessary…  What’s weird is that she had to get a dog of her own, kinda seemed like an ‘I want one too’ childish impulse.  So she did, a used dog from friends. 

After the novelty wore off, like ‘the parent,’ I end up caring for her dog, walking, feeding, bathing, giving him attention... .  My dog died... so I’d began feeding hers the high-quality cans of dog food I had left, and consequently he came to love me

She (BP) appeared jealous!  ... .then began what bordered on abusive behavior toward the dog, like unexpectedly and loudly scolding him for minor ‘boundary crossing,’ for wanting in from outside, for ‘looking’ like he wanted something … petty crap, just like she’d pull on me  

Last I recall, as I think it was the day before I walked out on her - she'd stood over her cowering dog with a leg on either side scolding him for no reason - while looking at me with perverse pleasure, apparently enjoying her dog’s fear.  I think she got her dog (a male) to dominate.  Sick - and a good reminder of why she doesn't deserve my time ... .maybe I should rescue her dog... ?