building a relationship with stepkid despite being afraid of BPDm's consequences

[catclaw]

Hey there,

things are getting more and more relaxed over the time in our little household.

Last week I went to a systemic counselor (my uni offers a free counseling for students and I knew that the systemic way works pretty well for me) to talk about my "role" in our - pretty messed up - family construct. Messed up, because there have been evil stepmoms and mothers with disorders for generations and I feel like I'm being seen in a position I don't deserve.

So what came out was: I'm not really able to build up a relationship with SS7. We're getting along REALLY well, I like him a lot and see all the potential that little man has. I'm always there for a cuddle or if he needs to talk about trouble in school or whatever. But... he's in a loyalty-conflict. He knows how much his mom despises me and is afraid to "like" me. So am I. I see the trouble he's in and I know his mom. If she ever found out that he likes me a certain amount more that she could stand, he would get punished and my husband would get the E-Mail-bomb about why I'm trying to steal her son from her. We've already had that. So I'm always thinking "if I tell him this or do that, how will his mother react?" before actually saying/doing things.

1. The counselor told me that I shouldn't need to try to keep  the emotional level as low as possible - he needs to be loved and his mother just isn't there and what I'm doing is just trying to avoid stress. If she wants to throw a tantrum about me - she will either way. No matter if SS7 told her about loving me or not.

2. I feel like I'm working as a "shield" for him, to keep him away from all the blaming. (i.e: my parents, to both of whom he has an amazing relationship, are getting divroced and there is also lots of sh** going on on this side of the family. I don't want him to get in a loyalty conflict there as well, so I try not to hide it, but not to put him in the middle of all of this, telling him he can love both of them and doesn't have to make a decision whether he wants to spend time with one person or the other. I wish I could say the same thing about BPDm and me, but you see the conflict here?)

So she's firing at me while he can get all the love he needs from the rest of the family, which I think she isn't aware of. And they are no threat for her.

What do you think? Did you or do you feel the same way about builing up a relationship?

[Swiggle]

I was in the same boat with my step kids, SS7 and SD12. When met their dad and began a relationship I made the decision that should it turn into a lasting relationship that I would treat his children as if they were my own. For me I knew that I would not do well in a relationship that I had to keep the kids at bay, like some situations I know. He and I had an understanding that we would have equal roles in both our kids lives since we are a team and a partnership. My children are DS61/2 and DD11 we have our struggles but we parent the kids the same. Sometimes he disciplines my kids and sometimes I, his. We love each other’s kids and treat them with the same kindness, love and respect that we treat our own. In order for our family to be a successful one we both knew that it needed to be this way. We didn’t want to live with two separate families so to speak, treating my kids as just my kids and his kids just as his kids. I have worked with my T about feelings of guilt that, while I love my Step kids I don’t have the same emotional connection with them as I do my own. She assured me that this is normal and that it can come in time, there are ways to foster that kind of closeness but to be ok knowing that it may never be as close as my relationship with my kids.

We did not know that my husband’s ex was uBPD when we met and got married. We knew she was difficult but not to the extreme we have seen since getting married. My advice to you would be this. Love that little guy and don’t worry what mom may say or do. If you do he will learn that even when things are tough with mom he has someone who loves him unconditionally. He will begin to see that mom’s ways aren’t healthy (or in his eyes good). These are her choices so don’t feel like it is your responsibility to shield him from her choices. Know that it can sometimes be difficult when/if he treats you differently if she is around but tell yourself that it is his mom and the situation not his feelings for you. Now if he does something that is mean or disrespectful to you because he is having loyalty issues or feeling conflicted then have a conversation with him about how that made you feel and that while you understand where he may have been coming from it is not ok to treat you that way.

The first Christmas that we were all living together my SS bought me a present from his Santa shop, it was a mug that said world’s greatest mom. He told me all about that mug and he couldn’t wait for me to see it but was with his mom the day he brought it home. I never saw that mug but I know how he thinks of me. Treat him and get close to him if that is what you want and he wants. Don’t worry about mom, he will learn how to navigate those relationships and know that you stuck by him no matter what.

Being a step parent can sometimes be a thankless job. I hope that one day these two people grow up to know that I loved them and would do anything for them, even when their mom couldn’t. And if they don’t grow up to know that, I know that I did the right thing for me.

[Nope]

My step kids, SD11 and SS10 have been almost completely raised by their BPD mom, who I'm sure has never had anything nice to say about me. I have a really great relationship with both of them because I've always been mindful of their feelings and the situation their mother's hatred of me creates for them. But I'm lucky that they seem very aware that certain games must be played in order to keep the peace and they are willing to do that.

Example: The kids and I have an understanding that when both their mom and I are around I am invisible. When they get out of the car to go to her they don't say goodbye to me, they just go running right to their mom and give her a big hug. When they come back they make a big deal out of saying goodbye to their mom and then get in the car as if they are getting in a cab. But once their BPD mom is far off in the rear view mirror they start chattering away about everything under the sun and smiling and saying they love me. They never bring up anything fun they did while at our house when they are on the phone with her. And I have no doubt that when they are with her they act indifferent about me. I've made it clear to them that I am totally fine with this. They can love both me and their mom and their mom doesn't need to know they love me. I'm just one more thing that makes them happy that they need to hide from their mom so that they can keep it. *shrug*

They also know that they are free to talk to me about their mom and their time at mom's as much as they want. They I validate. I empathize. I don't point their mom's bad behavior out to them. Though I do ask questions and I'm finding more and more that at least SD11 is seeing that certain things with her mom don't make sense.

[Swiggle]

My step kids, SD11 and SS10 have been almost completely raised by their BPD mom, who I'm sure has never had anything nice to say about me. I have a really great relationship with both of them because I've always been mindful of their feelings and the situation their mother's hatred of me creates for them. But I'm lucky that they seem very aware that certain games must be played in order to keep the peace and they are willing to do that.

Example: The kids and I have an understanding that when both their mom and I are around I am invisible. When they get out of the car to go to her they don't say goodbye to me, they just go running right to their mom and give her a big hug. When they come back they make a big deal out of saying goodbye to their mom and then get in the car as if they are getting in a cab. But once their BPD mom is far off in the rear view mirror they start chattering away about everything under the sun and smiling and saying they love me. They never bring up anything fun they did while at our house when they are on the phone with her. And I have no doubt that when they are with her they act indifferent about me. I've made it clear to them that I am totally fine with this. They can love both me and their mom and their mom doesn't need to know they love me. I'm just one more thing that makes them happy that they need to hide from their mom so that they can keep it. *shrug*

They also know that they are free to talk to me about their mom and their time at mom's as much as they want. They I validate. I empathize. I don't point their mom's bad behavior out to them. Though I do ask questions and I'm finding more and more that at least SD11 is seeing that certain things with her mom don't make sense.

I'm glad that this seems to work. In my situation my step kids seem to make these distinctions themselves about how to act when mom is around. I however don't change what I would do or how I treat them when in front of her. You are willing to have an understanding with them that it is ok to be invisible with them, what about when they are older and their mom has a problem with their friend or partner? The kids will not have learned how to deal with this and may have a hard time finding someone who is "ok" being invisible. Would helping them find ways to deal with this be better for them in the long run?

For those times that we have to exchange kids or are at a function together I tell them goodbye and that I love them. At first they were standoff-ish in these situations but as time has gone on and after serveral learning opportunities and conversations with teh kids they treat me differently when mom is around. The have learned how to protect themselves but also do what they feel the right thing to do is. I talk to them about what are her feelings/issues and helped them understand that isn't ther burden to carry, I was cautions not teach them to organize around her wants/needs.

Swiggle

[Nope]

I'm glad that this seems to work. In my situation my step kids seem to make these distinctions themselves about how to act when mom is around. I however don't change what I would do or how I treat them when in front of her. You are willing to have an understanding with them that it is ok to be invisible with them, what about when they are older and their mom has a problem with their friend or partner? The kids will not have learned how to deal with this and may have a hard time finding someone who is "ok" being invisible. Would helping them find ways to deal with this be better for them in the long run?

For those times that we have to exchange kids or are at a function together I tell them goodbye and that I love them. At first they were standoff-ish in these situations but as time has gone on and after serveral learning opportunities and conversations with teh kids they treat me differently when mom is around. The have learned how to protect themselves but also do what they feel the right thing to do is. I talk to them about what are her feelings/issues and helped them understand that isn't ther burden to carry, I was cautions not teach them to organize around her wants/needs.

I agree that their mom's feelings/issues should not be their problem. Perhaps this is one of the ways the BPD moms we are each dealing with is different. My step children will literally be shut out, screamed at, and punished with loss of privileges based on BPD mom's emotional state. She will tell them that she is punishing them for some valid reason, but the children know it's made up and it's actually because their mom feels hurt because they acting in a way she perceives as disloyal or threatening. They are very in tune with her moods and the causes for them as she had primary custody for most of their lives. At least, SD11 does. Poor SS10 believes he deserves what he gets from her most of the time. When there is that much to lose, I don't feel right asking them to act in a way that will bring out her truly ugly side. Perhaps as they get older and spend more time in our house we can start having conversations around that. Up until a few months ago, we saw them very rarely. Now they live with us full time and see their mom only a few times a year.

[Swiggle]

I'm glad that this seems to work. In my situation my step kids seem to make these distinctions themselves about how to act when mom is around. I however don't change what I would do or how I treat them when in front of her. You are willing to have an understanding with them that it is ok to be invisible with them, what about when they are older and their mom has a problem with their friend or partner? The kids will not have learned how to deal with this and may have a hard time finding someone who is "ok" being invisible. Would helping them find ways to deal with this be better for them in the long run?

For those times that we have to exchange kids or are at a function together I tell them goodbye and that I love them. At first they were standoff-ish in these situations but as time has gone on and after serveral learning opportunities and conversations with teh kids they treat me differently when mom is around. The have learned how to protect themselves but also do what they feel the right thing to do is. I talk to them about what are her feelings/issues and helped them understand that isn't ther burden to carry, I was cautions not teach them to organize around her wants/needs.

I agree that their mom's feelings/issues should not be their problem. Perhaps this is one of the ways the BPD moms we are each dealing with is different. My step children will literally be shut out, screamed at, and punished with loss of privileges based on BPD mom's emotional state. She will tell them that she is punishing them for some valid reason, but the children know it's made up and it's actually because their mom feels hurt because they acting in a way she perceives as disloyal or threatening. They are very in tune with her moods and the causes for them as she had primary custody for most of their lives. At least, SD11 does. Poor SS10 believes he deserves what he gets from her most of the time. When there is that much to lose, I don't feel right asking them to act in a way that will bring out her truly ugly side. Perhaps as they get older and spend more time in our house we can start having conversations around that. Up until a few months ago, we saw them very rarely. Now they live with us full time and see their mom only a few times a year.

Are the kids in therapy? I noticed MAJOR changes in my step kids after a handful of visits, I would highly suggest it just to help them navigate their mom's behavior in the past and how to deal going forward. It can also help them build themselves back up after being torn down for so long.

Swiggle

[mrsthomps]

Hey there,

things are getting more and more relaxed over the time in our little household.

Last week I went to a systemic counselor (my uni offers a free counseling for students and I knew that the systemic way works pretty well for me) to talk about my "role" in our - pretty messed up - family construct. Messed up, because there have been evil stepmoms and mothers with disorders for generations and I feel like I'm being seen in a position I don't deserve.

So what came out was: I'm not really able to build up a relationship with SS7. We're getting along REALLY well, I like him a lot and see all the potential that little man has. I'm always there for a cuddle or if he needs to talk about trouble in school or whatever. But... he's in a loyalty-conflict. He knows how much his mom despises me and is afraid to "like" me. So am I. I see the trouble he's in and I know his mom. If she ever found out that he likes me a certain amount more that she could stand, he would get punished and my husband would get the E-Mail-bomb about why I'm trying to steal her son from her. We've already had that. So I'm always thinking "if I tell him this or do that, how will his mother react?" before actually saying/doing things.

1. The counselor told me that I shouldn't need to try to keep  the emotional level as low as possible - he needs to be loved and his mother just isn't there and what I'm doing is just trying to avoid stress. If she wants to throw a tantrum about me - she will either way. No matter if SS7 told her about loving me or not.

2. I feel like I'm working as a "shield" for him, to keep him away from all the blaming. (i.e: my parents, to both of whom he has an amazing relationship, are getting divroced and there is also lots of sh** going on on this side of the family. I don't want him to get in a loyalty conflict there as well, so I try not to hide it, but not to put him in the middle of all of this, telling him he can love both of them and doesn't have to make a decision whether he wants to spend time with one person or the other. I wish I could say the same thing about BPDm and me, but you see the conflict here?)

So she's firing at me while he can get all the love he needs from the rest of the family, which I think she isn't aware of. And they are no threat for her.

What do you think? Did you or do you feel the same way about builing up a relationship?

When I met my husband and we were dating, my ex used to freak out CONSTANTLY about our child forming a bond with this new guy. I didn't even introduce my kids to him until we had been dating for nearly a year. My ex used to send him non stop Facebook messages and make threatening gestures (slashing tires, stalking, etc). Luckily, husband hung in there and we are a stronger family for it. He could recognize the chaos in my son's life, just as you have in your SS. He worked towards being a rock for my child and we moved to just ignoring my ex completely unless he had something specifically regarding our child. It's hard but hopefully in your situation you will get through it all in time! I don't have a lot of advice, my son just turned 2 so his father's manipulation hasn't visibly affected him yet.

[walksoftly]

My ex BPD lost most of her relationships with her close family members including my own daughters and one of hers. Her other daughter ( who I raised since she was four) suffers from Stockholm Syndrome so any attempt (and there have been seven) to engage her post divorce has failed.

[gherkins]

My SD's mother has tried to shut me out from day one.  She has thrown away presents and clothes that I have bought kiddo, she has told kiddo that I would break things (like the kiddo's toys) if she brought them to our house, she told kiddo that I tried to get her fired, and so on.  My husband is much more diplomatic than I would be, so when kiddo asks me about these things, I have to grit my teeth and not put down UDBPX.  Now that kiddo is a little older, she is just starting to see how twisted her mother is.  I feel terrible that she is in the middle of this.  She knows I don't want to replace her mother, but I tend to be the more authoritarian parent in our household (I am the one who says to brush teeth, put laundry away, etc). So we do but heads a little.  But she knows I love her, and she loves me.

[ennie]

I have been with DH for 7.5 years and have really great relationships with SD14 and SD10. 

This process in my case is that while I spent the first 1-2 years trying to accommodate BPD mom's perceived needs and avoiding her rages, at a certain point I realized that the more I accommodated, the more she raged, used alienating behaviors with the kids, and the less support the kids were getting.  When I realized that she raged no matter what I did, and that mom was either targeting dad or me, I realized that it was a lot less of a loyalty bind with me than with dad, so I could be the target if there had to be one, and they could just not love me at mom's house and love me at dad's, and that worked okay. Over time, they slowly just loved me; I am not sure we can entirely help who we love. 

For SD14, she is loyal to mom and to a lesser degree, dad, but not in the same way to me. This clearly came about when she first told her mom how much she loves me and mom threatened to kill herself, when SD14 was 7 years old. So she has a clear position on this--mom is no.1, Ennie is to be thrown under the bus when necessary. So she can like me or not without feeling guilty and bad. 

The upside of this is that she has come to really value what I think and how I see things, because there are no terrible consequences in her mind of agreeing with me. In her mind,  I do not threaten her loyalty to mom.  So with her, I feel loved for me; I am not in a role for her, unless it is transition day and she is mad at me.  But the rest of the time, she just is my close person (she often calls me her "person" when she introduces me... ."This is my dad, and this is my person, Ennie."  She seeks me out for advice and really listens to me like I am a human being and not just a parent, and she respects my boundaries more than any other parent's.  Recently, she said to me, "You are my best friend, and my mom is my best friend.  I am just lucky that way."  Wow. 

With SD10, she has always been very clear that she has 3 parents, a mom, a dad, and an Ennie.  She once said, "I love all my parents the same, I just need mommy more because I am little."  She is uncompromising (for the most part) in this view, and that has caused her a great deal of pain at her mom's house. This is very triggering for her mom (understandably), but it is the truth for her, and without any agenda on our part.  Over time, she has learned to whisper when she asks daddy to talk with me in her weekly call from mom's house, to whisper that she loves me.

And I think that last part really is the most important thing I have to say.  It is that at some point in parenting stepkids, I realized that while it is important to reduce pain and stress regarding conflicts between the parents and for ME to not place the kids in a loyalty bind (":)on't tell your mom" would be an impossible and painful instruction), there are other very important , even more important, elements to steward. 

First, the child's perception and feelings and sense of what is true is very important, and validating this experience and helping a child to verbalize it is very important to their being able to form a self distinct from mom and dad.  Second, each of my stepkids have their own values, and they are willing to go through hardship to back up their values.  For SD10, she is not going to choose one side over another or one parent over another, period.  For SD14, she is her mother's protector, and will get angry when she feels her mom is threatened.  And it is very important for me to respect their values--not agree, not compromise my own values--but to really honor their values.  And their feelings, even when inconsistent with their values. 

Having a loyalty bind is a painful thing, inspiring of guilt and shame and lowered self-esteem. But aiding in pretending something is true that is not creates something that is more debilitating to a person, which is the inability to trust their basic perceptions of things.  If I told my SD10 when she said she loved us all the same, "You can't.  I am not your mom," or if I did not ever speak my perspective when SD14 would make up outrageous lies to protect her mom, those things perpetuation a deviation from reality that is how BPD mom deals with the stress of not liking who she is.  It creates a fiction around everything that makes it impossible to figure out what action solves problems, to figure out what you feel or if you are ill or not ill. It creates an experience of inner emptiness and pain that is more problematic and less flexible than lower self esteem. It makes negotiation with others almost impossible.

SD14 got that her first 7 years with no break, and she really does not know how to assess what her body is feeling, as mom and she have made up being sick or blaming illness on others so many times.  With emotional feelings, it is even less clear because you can change your feelings to some degree.  So in my view, perpetuating the myth that mom is the most important being in the universe to reduce conflict seems not helpful in the long term. 

Instead, I try to help validate what is real and what the kids and I and DH feel.  SD10:  "I WANT to go with you on the field trip, but I am afraid mommy will be mad."  Me: "That sounds scary, and it is probably hard for you when your mommy gets her feelings hurt about that kind of thing.  You love your mommy and do not want her to be mad." Pause to watch her nod.  "What would you like to do about that?  It is fine with me either way; I am happy to go with you, and if you do not want to do that, I am find with that too. I trust you to choose what is best for you."   "I think I want to go with you, and it is okay if my mom is mad a little." 

Here is the profound thing that is happening in that area.  SD14, who is VERY enmeshed with mom, insists on whitewashing anything bad about mom or mom and dad's marriage.  When they were married, SD14 witnessed a lot of violence by mom against dad.  But she has often said to me that life was perfectly happy before her parents split up. 

Recently, she told me, in tears, "I tell myself that story because I am afraid if I think of what really happened, I will not want to be a mom or will not be able to have a good family."  When I hear what is real, I can say, "You can have any story that makes you feel good.  No one can take that away from you.  But later, when you are a grownup and you are having a hard time with someone and are not sure why, it might be that there is information in those memories that could really help you out.  So you do not have to think about it til you are ready, but try not to just throw it out."  I also said, "I love you, and have every faith in your ability to create a family that feels really good to you when you grow up.  You have amazing communication skills and are a very loving person." 

So over time, allowing kids to be in the binds the ARE ACTUALLY IN is, in truth, liberating.  The reality is that mom places the kids in a bind when she says, "Love only me," because they cannot actually do that, and to do so would be compromising their own well being for her.  As a stepparent, it is clear that kids WON'T sacrifice their well being for me (SD10 a little bit, because she relates to me more as a parent).  I would not ask them to do that anyway.  A child therapist I saw for a little while to help me understand some of the kid's unusual dynamics once said, "Kids will not love a step-parent if you are not helpful to them.  So you do not have to worry if you are doing it right.  If they love you, you are doing it right."  And, it is important to remember that being loved and loving someone means you also get their anger, pain, fear, sadness, and other hard feelings, and means you have those feelings sometimes, too. 

The way I see it is that the kids are a little like someone with a broken heart when it comes to their mom.  If a friend has a broken heart, I cannot fix it by loving them.  I cannot replace that object of their broken heart.  But I can love them through it, I can help them build the tools they need to have that pain be useful instead of harmful to them.  I can help them feel safe and okay being who they are. 

And I think that is the moral to the story: I can love them through it, but I cannot protect them from their own pain. I am a stepparent.  I'm not a mom or a dad, and I do not want to be.  My honest experience is that the kids are not at all confused about their relationships with each parent.  I am a third kind of parent, defined not by our culture, but but the kids' and my personalities and needs.  I do not need to worry about their loyalty to their mom and dad; it is a fact.  And, I cannot keep them from loving me; it just happens when you treat people with respect.  Some of it is just our chemistry; they are my kind of people, and I love them.  Moms and dads can reduce the likelihood that a child will experience a loyalty bind by being open to their kids loving who they love even if it is painful.  Most good parents experience their kids preferring one or the other parent more at different times.  It hurts, no doubt, when that changes, but it is good for the kids to love who they love, so we support it to the best of our ability. 

There are painful experiences in life; having a BPD mom who wants you to love only her and still feels like that is insufficient is a painful experience; but they love her, and there is lots of good there, too.  They get both pain and love.  It  is not my job to pretend that is not so or to try to make it not so.  My job is just to be myself, love them if I do, receive their love with happiness, and help them know more about who they are just by being real with them.  That is my job because I choose it, and they choose it. 

I wish you great luck and grace in creating your own totally unique relationship with your step-person.  I hope that your role is as true to who you are as possible, and that your stepson is able to be totally who he is with you.  May you find room in your heart to tolerate the pain that he feels, and to love him through it.  May you not shield him, but help him to learn his own way of experiencing and moving through the painful experiences in his life.  May you be his mentor, his parent, his friend, without ever asking him to choose not to love someone important to him.

Sounds like you are well on your way!

[catclaw]

Hey everyone,

sorry for not replying the last few weeks, I was pretty busy... I work a lot (internship for my bachelor's degree) and am hardly ever home. SS has been on vacation for 2 weeks (until tomorrow) and it was horrible - he was with his mom one week and his behaviour changed so much since he came back. it was the first time he was there for more than a weekend. he avoids me whenever we're on our own (when dad is with us, he acts quite normally towards him, but with me, he doesn't even speak to me and ignores everything i say.)

there is no conversation possible right now. when i say "ss, would you be so kind and think of no leaving the really small lego parts on the floor, if the cats play with them, you will not find them anymore when you need them" - no reaction.

me: "hello there, did you hear me?"

SS (rolling his eyes and yelling) "YEAH I DID HEAR YOU".

me: Ok, it would be lovely if at least you nodded or showed me that you heard me.

- no reaction again, kid playing or doing whatever -

me: about the lego... .

SS: I KNOW!

me: yeah, i know that you know, because i tell you every day. boring stuff. can i help you with it?

- no reaction -

me: Ok, I'll leave you alone then. come over if you feel like speaking to me.

SS (whispering): finally... .

no idea what went into him... i know that sometimes he lacks concentration when he's talked to, but it's obvious that these last days he ignores me and he never ever yelled at me before. whatever i say or ask (how was your day? do you want a toast? whatever, really) , reaction is just eye rolling and some "whoa" noise. even my husband noticed it. when my dad came over to spend some time with SS, he was lovely and funny and kind and everything to him, as long as it wasn't me who talked to him.

it's pretty hard and frustrating for me right now... .his abilities in social interaction were becoming better and better each day, we got along perfectly, but now everything is out of control and i just can't get to him... he just doesn't react or interact with me... today i worked extra hours just to avoid the situation at home and this just can't be the right way...

[Panda39]

Hi catclaw 

Sounds like SS's mom has painted you black and might be running some parental alienation. You might ask SS what is wrong why he is angry or acting disrepectfully... .he may or may not tell you, but it's worth a try.  Otherwise just act like yourself and my guess is that over time things will slip back to normal as he spends more time with you and dad and less with mom.  If your SS has a therapist you might also want to bring this up with them.  How is dad handling this?  Is he talking with his son about this?  Is he being supportive of you?

[catclaw]

Panda

the other day I had dinner with SS alone and talked to him like why he reacts the way he does. i asked if he thinks i'm treating him unfair or if he feels like i'm being rude or sth, he said "no, you never are. i really like you". and i told that that i wished that if he feels i'm being nice and supportive to him, i would expect the same from him (and some examples of "treat people the way you want them to treat you" and he had lots of examples from kids at school). ever since things are getting better. he's going to get treatment (play therapy), but his mother doesn't see the reason. she thinks he just misses her too much and that this will pass. the therapist knows what's going on.

she wanted to switch a weekend for no reason, we denied to switch (because we already had plans made with SS), but gave her the option to just leave the weekend out and take another one additionally. she agreed so far. but a few days ago he mentioned how unfair we treat his mom for not letting her see him and that he wants to spend more time with her (or she with him?).

[catclaw]

oh and yeah, DH is supportive of me. we try to show SS that we're a unity and a family and that everyone has to be treated with respect.

[Swiggle]

she wanted to switch a weekend for no reason, we denied to switch (because we already had plans made with SS), but gave her the option to just leave the weekend out and take another one additionally. she agreed so far. but a few days ago he mentioned how unfair we treat his mom for not letting her see him and that he wants to spend more time with her (or she with him?).

I'm sure you know this but that is mom talking! Lot's of empathy "Aww I'm sorry you feel that way, We have plans but I'm sure the next time mom needs to switch it'll work out" Or ":)arn I wish would would've have known sooner that mom needed to switch and we could have made other arragements with our plans".

My ex used to do that all the time, wait until the last minute to ask for a switch and I usually already had plans. I would end up with them when he needed his free weekend and he could play victim. "poor me, mom wouldn't let me have you so I don't get to see you". In reality I don't think he really wanted to switch just thought it would look bad to the kids. I started having to point out the facts about these things, ultimately the kids realized it wasn't mom being a b___ but dad playing games.

[walksoftly]

Hi all, great thread!

Just over a high conflict divorce with my ex BPD wife. I was the stepfather to our beautiful daughter who is now 19.

So I receive this text from my 19 yr old the other day... PLEASE PICK ME UP MOM KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.

I drove down to pick her up and there she was in the coffee shop with her suitcase.

As we drove back to my home the mom texts... .I will cal the police if you dont give me back my suitcase. Then another text telling her she was a loser... .then another saying she misses her so much... .all within the space of twenty minutes.

So I spoke to my daughter about the cycle of abuse. Apparently the mom was freaking out on her since the divorce and then would later apologize and laugh about it. My daughter had enough. I said to her... ":)o you know what you just did?"

And her response was " No i don't"

I said, " You set a clear boundary"

We spoke about how the abuser would escalate then rage then honeymoon... .the cycle would start again and again. I said she should be proud of herself for breaking the cycle.


Cheers all