Teenage children of BPD parents; a few questions?

[Smallville]

So I did not grow up with BPD parents, my experience and reason I joined is because of my SIL. She's uBPD. She's put the entire house thru hell the last few months. And while it is extremely hard for me at times, I'm not and never have been very close to her. So it's easy for me to just ignore her and keep to myself. But she has two children currently living her, daughters, 5 months and 17. I've already voiced my concern for my baby niece. But I've been thinking alot about the teen. I can't imagine what it has been like or what it feels like to have a M with BPD. I know they are so close at times, but then she's getting yelled at and put down and called every name in the book. I've been wishing there was a way to kind of educate her on things, but I know it would get back to her M, and I don't want that. But today I actually had alot of normal, long conversations with my SIL. In one she had mentioned that the teen told her she wants to go to therapy, that she thinks she has a personality disorder. She's extremely shy and quiet, homeschooled, and only has a couple friends. She almost never leaves the house, let alone her room. She's permanently attached to her computer and to anime. She definitely hasn't had any real life experiences that normal 17 year olds have. Not only is she lacking common sense, but her M has never made her do anything, she doesn't know how to clean or cook or anything of that sort. She's lazy and the things she does, or actually doesn't do, make her disgusting. I feel bad because I know her mom hasn't spent the time it takes to teach a growing teen the basics of life. So now she is having body image issues, she thinks she has a personality disorder and social anxiety, and she says she's depressed at times and wants to fix it before it gets worse. She really wants to talk to a therapist. Which I think would definitely be good for her. But I'm wondering if any part of her realizes that her mom has a disorder. Because I think that knowing that will help her. Do most kids with BPD parents feel like they have an issue? Do they realize at all its not them?

[polly87]

Hi Smallville,

I was raised by an uBPDm so hopefully you can get some insight in these matters by this part of my story.

the teen told her she wants to go to therapy, that she thinks she has a personality disorder. She's extremely shy and quiet, ... .and only has a couple friends. She almost never leaves the house, let alone her room. ... .She definitely hasn't had any real life experiences that normal 17 year olds have. Not only is she lacking common sense, but her M has never made her do anything, she doesn't know how to clean or cook or anything of that sort. She's lazy and the things she does, or actually doesn't do, make her disgusting. ... .her mom hasn't spent the time it takes to teach a growing teen the basics of life. So now she is having body image issues, she thinks she has a personality disorder and social anxiety, and she says she's depressed at times and wants to fix it before it gets worse. She really wants to talk to a therapist. Which I think would definitely be good for her.

This is such a good description of myself as a 17 year old that I do not have anything to add. I wasn't homeschooled but I was sent to a different school every 3 years or so, making it impossible for me to make friends. I wasn't allowed to go out. I got depressed when I was 13 and I nearly attempted suicide when I was 19 or 20. This was because I was told time and time again that I was doing things wrong and I was not in my right mind.

But I'm wondering if any part of her realizes that her mom has a disorder. Because I think that knowing that will help her. Do most kids with BPD parents feel like they have an issue? Do they realize at all its not them?

I for sure didn't realise my mother was ill until my partner suggested she had uBPD. This realisation was like turning on a lamp in a pitch dark place. I began to see how I wasn't at fault. My mother used to say that if it hadn't been for her, I'd have been nowhere and a nobody. I was always told I complained too much. So no, I didn't realise it wasn't me having the issue because I was told otherwise.

If there's anything else you'd like to know feel free to ask

Please tell this poor kid as often as you can that she is OK just as she is. It's normal for her to feel depressed if she doesn't have any life skills. Take her out for lunch or a cup of coffee. Let her see the world.

I wish you both the best.  

[Turkish]

Do most kids with BPD parents feel like they have an issue? Do they realize at all its not them?

Your NIL's situation sounds familiar. I kind of wonder about kids losing themselves into the alternate world of anime where they take on a different persona as a way of escape, but that's another discussion... .

We're all different. For me, my mom's depression overrode her BPD traits, so while she wanted me to mirror her life choices and identity a lot, I was really left to my own devices, so I grew up early and was independent. Your NIL (niece-in-law... .this would be correct?) sounds like she is being objectified to provide validation for her BPD mother's identity. I moved out the day I turned 18, and couldn't wait to escape. Your NIL sounds like she's been set up to be dependent upon her mom due to her mom's neglect of giving her proper life skills.

I think a smart T, and not all are created equal, would begin to piece together the puzzle. The question now is that since she is still a minor, how could she see a T? Her mom is undiagnosed, so it wouldn't be prudent to mention that her mom might have a PD. Is it possible to take her out of the house to just spend time together? Even ordinary attention from a healthy adult can go a long way towards her developing self-worth.

[Smallville]

Turkish,

      Thanks for the reply! NIL is right. And I'm not too sure about the T thing, if her mom says it's okay, she should be able to right? Saying she's depressed should be enough? I think that even if she really doesn't have any idea that her M has an issue, that if she went to a T and told them the honest truth about things, that they'd know in a heart beat that her M has BPD. That's how bad her episodes are! I feel like maybe that's the real reason she wants to talk to someone, to find out why her M gets like that, but maybe she is too afraid to tell her M that, I would be.

In reference to what Polly87 had said, about taking her out, that's pretty much not possible. My H and I moved in here right after my SIL had our N a few months ago. She wanted help around the house and we needed somewhere to live. Well because of what my SIL originally wanted,  a clean and safe house for a new baby, we cleaned alot. This didn't set too well with her S and D, or BD(x now), they don't know how or want to, clean or pick up after themselves. So they nagged to my SIL, who can't stand being nagged at, so she made us stop keeping up with the clean house(you don't even want to know how unsafe and unsanitary it is currently  ). Ever since then my H and I have been the bad guys, every little problem always somehow comes back to us. So I'm not exactly an ally to my NIL. Besides the fact she's been so shy since I got with my H 11 years ago, we've never really talked much. I've tried in the past, but didn't succeed. I feel helpless when it comes to her.

[Smallville]

Is there any online groups for teens that maybe I could mention? Not specifically for BPD, but for things in general? Or books or articles?

[Turkish]

Unsanitary household? My mom's often was. After I left, her hoarder traits went into overdrive. I can't even stand to step into her home now  

Perhaps you can pass these along? We use these to refer minors who occasionally land here:

www.teenhelp.org

Your Life Your Voice

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx

1-800-448-3000

www.youthcrisisline.org/

Have you read up on SET and Validation here? Learning the communication techniques can really help open up dialog and reduce conflict.

[Smallville]

Turkish,

    Thank you so much for this sites! I think the second one would be perfect for her! Now how to tell her about it . Yes, unsanitary! So bad that my H and I have our own few dishes that we keep with us. It's gross. But it was much worse when we first started staying here. I've read a little about validation. I'm going to look more into those things. Thanks again!