Surprising behavior from my pwBPD

[EaglesJuju]

I have been going through a lot lately.  My grandmother (who I am very close to) has stage 4 lung cancer and is receiving hospice care. In addition, my mentally ill mother has been having many manic/depressive episodes as a result of my grandmother dying. My grandmother has legal guardianship over my mother and now that responsibility is being passed on to me. Factoring in all my own issues, it has been really stressful.

I was feeling very overwhelmed and mentally exhausted last night. My bf texted me (we tend to communicate via text a lot) and I told him I was having a rough day. Usually, he says , "I'm sorry you are having a tough day" and tries to change the subject.

Last night as soon as I told him I was having a tough day, he immediately called me. He asked me why I was so upset. I tend to tread lightly on things that may trigger him, since he tends to get triggered when I am upset. I was hesitant to tell him, but he insisted.  Then he said, "I want to be there for you and emotionally support you while you are going through such a tough time."  I gave in and started telling him about what has been going on and started crying.  He listened and validated me through out the conversation. It was so surreal being the one who was being comforted and validated.

I could tell he was starting to get upset by my crying. I asked him if he was alright. I could not believe how he responded. He said, "It does upset me when you cry or get upset and the feelings inside me are overwhelming, but I am going to work through these feelings to be there for you. I love you and you do it for me all the time. I want to do it for you." He patiently listened to me for a hour and helped calm me.

Incredible does not describe this surprising behavior. I am still in shock. I am assuming this is a tenet of healthy behavior in a relationship.

   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I have been going through a lot lately.  My grandmother (who I am very close to) has stage 4 lung cancer and is receiving hospice care. In addition, my mentally ill mother has been having many manic/depressive episodes as a result of my grandmother dying. My grandmother has legal guardianship over my mother and now that responsibility is being passed on to me. Factoring in all my own issues, it has been really stressful.

I was feeling very overwhelmed and mentally exhausted last night. My bf texted me (we tend to communicate via text a lot) and I told him I was having a rough day. Usually, he says , "I'm sorry you are having a tough day" and tries to change the subject.

Last night as soon as I told him I was having a tough day, he immediately called me. He asked me why I was so upset. I tend to tread lightly on things that may trigger him, since he tends to get triggered when I am upset. I was hesitant to tell him, but he insisted.  Then he said, "I want to be there for you and emotionally support you while you are going through such a tough time."  I gave in and started telling him about what has been going on and started crying.  He listened and validated me through out the conversation. It was so surreal being the one who was being comforted and validated.

I could tell he was starting to get upset by my crying. I asked him if he was alright. I could not believe how he responded. He said, "It does upset me when you cry or get upset and the feelings inside me are overwhelming, but I am going to work through these feelings to be there for you. I love you and you do it for me all the time. I want to do it for you." He patiently listened to me for a hour and helped calm me.

Incredible does not describe this surprising behavior. I am still in shock. I am assuming this is a tenet of healthy behavior in a relationship.

   

Congrats, JuJu! It's so nice when they get that clarity and you can see the progress Don't fret if he slides back into the BPD stuff, though, because he will. But any break in the clouds is great!   

[Grey Kitty]

   

It is moments like that that both give you hope for him... .and validate that you are doing YOUR best with him, and showing him a great example of how to be a supportive person.

[EaglesJuju]

Thanks for the support and encouragement ColdEthyl and Grey Kitty. 

That moment did give me hope. I believe it gave him hope as well. 

It has been a real struggle since he left, but I am finally beginning to see the positive side of his departure.

It also really helps that I have been diligently working on myself during this period of separation. When he tells me that he is proud of me for overcoming so many of my own issues, it is the best validation ever. 

GK, I think you are right about showing him an example of being supportive. Since he left, he has profusely thanked me for being patient, supportive, and never giving up; but to have it reciprocated makes it even better. 

He has been working hard on himself and taking therapy seriously. He even strives to go above and beyond therapy to work on himself.

[waverider]

I get nuggets like this, it only applies though as long as it doesn't clash with her needs or impules.

Feels good when it happens though

[Jessica84]

Happy for you Eagles! Even us nons need validation from time to time.   

In my experience it never lasted long. If I was having a stressful time or crisis, he would be kind, compassionate and patient with me... .for about a week. Then he expected me to be over it already so we could get back to talking about HIM again. I just appreciate it while it lasts without expecting it from him all the time. He's not selfish (on purpose) - he's just not capable of staying in that mode for long. 

Everyone is different so I don't mean to discourage you. He may be able to go to the distance. For me, having high hopes and long-term expectations is what set me up for disappointment.

[EaglesJuju]

Happy for you Eagles! Even us nons need validation from time to time.   

In my experience it never lasted long. If I was having a stressful time or crisis, he would be kind, compassionate and patient with me... .for about a week. Then he expected me to be over it already so we could get back to talking about HIM again. I just appreciate it while it lasts without expecting it from him all the time. He's not selfish (on purpose) - he's just not capable of staying in that mode for long. 

Everyone is different so I don't mean to discourage you. He may be able to go to the distance. For me, having high hopes and long-term expectations is what set me up for disappointment.

Thanks for the support Jessica    It is not discouraging. I do realize there is good chance of unsustainability.

Honestly, I used to not have high hopes and long-term expectations, but seeing the leaps and bounds he is making in his therapy, I am actually believing he may be able to sustain the progress.

I have been "testing the waters" to see what I can actually discuss with him. I have noticed things that that were somewhat problematic to discuss, prior to his therapy, now can be talked about with relative ease. Communication tools do help as well. 

[Jessica84]

That is great news  Having a partner you can feel safe sharing with is so important when you're going thru a rough patch. Nothing is more stressful than dealing with family and health problems. Big hugs to you and I hope his therapy continues in this positive direction for you!

[braveSun]

Thank you for sharing this Eagles! 

There are so many voices saying that a pwBPD cannot have any real intimacy, and the like...

It's even difficult at times to beleive the good moments. I just happened to need to hear this kind of good news this morning... We're not just weirdos for wanting our r/s to work, at least putting in some efforts.

I did have some great moments with my SO like that on the trail... I was very surprised also. I find it's amazing that there can be such gifts of life, through our conscious partners, even with all the histories and baggages. 

Awesome!