BPD partner did not want contact, what should I do

[MM2013]

Hello, I have been feeling depressed after my BPD lesbian partner did not contact me for almost 3 weeks now. This relationship has been ups and downs, breakup makeup many times over the past 6 years. We managed to be good since last September, especially when I learn I need to validate her more and do not express too much of my frustrations. We are in a distance relationship. I went over to visit her in mid-Dec and stayed with her for 3 weeks. It was generally OK except two times she showed temper and gave silent treatment. I came back after new year. Things were fine, but she pushed me to plan for closing the distance this year, which we have been discussing all along. That day I felt very pressured, and I expressed my frustrations over her pushing me despite I have been working towards the goal. She ended the call and then disappeared for two days. When she messaged again, she asked me to tell her my true feelings. I replied telling her some of my worries. Then she did not write back and just disappeared for three weeks. I tried to text her, but she just replied she did not want to fight with me anymore.  In the past, we will still keep contact no matter what. I feel very scared now because previously if she did not contact me, she might already find someone online or contact the exes. I am not sure if this is happening. I also feel very sad because it seems that if I show a little of my worries and frustrations over her behavior, she will now just leave. Sorry that it seems I am very confused while writing the post... .I do not know what I should do... .

[Mike-X]

I know the cold shouldering and no contact can be rough. As difficult as it might be, have you used or considered this time or at least some of this time apart as an opportunity to "work on you", rather than worrying about her and the relationship? Also, did she explicitly ask for no contact?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi MM2013, 

The push and pull behavior of a pwBPD is really frustrating. It is almost unbearable when it is occurring from a long distance.   

When a pwBPD feels engulfed or overwhelmed by intimacy they tend to pull away. During this time, it is good to give your pwBPD a little space.

If you do reach out  expressing feelings/emotions while a pwBPD is dysregulating tends to end up unfavorably.  I did this with my bf and it ended up with him getting even more upset and pulling away and avoiding me.

During this bumpy time, I started working on myself.  Working on myself and learning about the disorder really helped me.

Why do you think that she would contact her exes or meet someone?  Did something like this happen before?

[MM2013]

I am so grateful for the replies. Thanks so much. Really want you to know how much it means to me under a state of confusion. Your replies give some perspectives for me to review my self.

EaglesJuju, you asked me "Why do you think that she would contact her exes or meet someone?  Did something like this happen before?"  Yes, this happened a few times in our 6-year relationship. Previously when she had emotional outburst, I would want to have some quiet time to cool down. But she could not stand the tension and the thought of possible abandonment. She found herself too lonely to handle those times apart and contacted her exes online. A couple of times, she hooked up with them even after the issue was settled. This devastated me and left me very insecure. We had sort of compromised that even during fights, neither of us would just disappear. So this time, she just disappeared with a cold tone made me feel very nervous that similar hook-up might happen again. I feel very depressed and exhausted after all these years of struggling and accepting. Well, maybe she thought the same too that even she worked hard to maintain stable, I could not let her feel my full commitment to move over with her and build a life together.

Mike-X, she did not explicitly asked for no contact. She stopped communication. We texted and Skype frequently on a daily basis, but in these three weeks, she totally refrained from any communication. When I texted her, she replied that she did not want to have fights with me. period. It is so peculiar, so unlike her normal pattern.

Thanks for both of you reminding me to "work on myself". This is really what I should be for my own sanity. Probably even if I keep finding her, this will not do us any good. I think in my heart, there are seeds of insecurity and uncertainty whether I should completely move over. I was hoping that we can work out day by day, so that both of us feel more secure. But very likely she is not happy that I did not offer a clear statement when she raised the issue. It looks like her response is an ultimatum.

Can you share some more of your experiences in working on yourself? On what dimensions?

[EaglesJuju]

EaglesJuju, you asked me "Why do you think that she would contact her exes or meet someone?  Did something like this happen before?"  Yes, this happened a few times in our 6-year relationship. Previously when she had emotional outburst, I would want to have some quiet time to cool down. But she could not stand the tension and the thought of possible abandonment. She found herself too lonely to handle those times apart and contacted her exes online. A couple of times, she hooked up with them even after the issue was settled. This devastated me and left me very insecure. We had sort of compromised that even during fights, neither of us would just disappear. So this time, she just disappeared with a cold tone made me feel very nervous that similar hook-up might happen again. I feel very depressed and exhausted after all these years of struggling and accepting. Well, maybe she thought the same too that even she worked hard to maintain stable, I could not let her feel my full commitment to move over with her and build a life together.

I am sorry that you had to endure that.   It is very hard to repair a relationship when trust is broken. Do you forgive her for her indiscretions?

Can you share some more of your experiences in working on yourself? On what dimensions?

I started working on myself once I realized that I was too enmeshed with my bf.  I was at my lowest point ever traveling down the vortex with him. After that point I started going to therapy. I began look at who I am and what my role in my relationship is. I found that I have many codependent traits. In addition to my codependent traits, I found that I suffer from dependent personality disorder (DPD) and have my own problems with attachment issues.  I learned how I contribute to the dysfunction of my relationship. Before I started looking at my contributions to the relationship, I found myself constantly blaming my bf and BPD. Granted it was easy to shift the entire blame to my bf, but I realized I was almost doing the same thing he was and not accepting responsibility for my behavior. Working through my own issues has immensely helped my relationship with my bf. Working on myself has given me the ability to cope with his behavior. 

[Mike-X]

Mike-X, she did not explicitly asked for no contact. She stopped communication. We texted and Skype frequently on a daily basis, but in these three weeks, she totally refrained from any communication. When I texted her, she replied that she did not want to have fights with me. period. It is so peculiar, so unlike her normal pattern.

I am dealing with similar behavior, minimal or no responses.

Can you share some more of your experiences in working on yourself? On what dimensions?

I started by focusing on trying to understand BPD and how to better communicate with her - to minimize the her anger and hurt, to minimize the derailing, crazy-making, and wild accusations, and to bring back that warm, loving, happy woman. That led me to really start thinking about my own communication patterns, at first with her and then with past girlfriends, friends, family, co-workers, etc., both how I respond to people and what I am often seeking in responses. For example, I was often looking for validation from her, but I wasn't explicitly providing the validation that she was looking for.

I have also spent a good deal of time thinking and reading about boundaries and limits. What are my essential and unessential boundaries and why, and why did I let her trample on some of those boundaries that I should have defended.

I have spent a good deal of time thinking about why I feel so attached and so much love for her and why I minimized so much of the drama, to put it lightly.

I have spent time working toward forgiving myself and her. I have thought about the many mistakes that I have made. I have thought about specific alternative things that I could have done to have handled so many situations better. And I have thought about and praised myself for the real effort and changes that I made to try to become a more loving and attentive person and make the relationship better. Also, I have accepted that there is wonderful love and compassion in her heart and that we had some genuine, wonderful times together. However, I also have accepted that she has a pretty serious personality disorder (based on a very troubled past) that emerged over the course of the relationship as we became closer and that she has little awareness of and little control over much of the time.  When we were courting each other and then moved in together, I don't think that she thought the BPD traits would ever come out in our relationship. I think that she really believed that former people in her life brought the anger and negativity out of her. I do believe that she knows differently now.  However, I forgive her for the drama. It is not her fault that she has a disorder.  I hope that she finds help and learns to better manage the BPD, but even better, I hope that she finds peace with her past and fully gets rid of the pain.

Finally, I have spent time trying to just enjoy being with "me". I have gone and watched movies, went out to eat, re-visited hobbies, recommitted to work, and the list goes on.

I have also started talking and hanging out with family and old friends again.

[MM2013]

Mike-X, sorry to know that you are dealing with similar behavior. May I ask how you are holding on? Have you decided staying or leaving? Sometimes I don't understand, why not say directly that we should break up.

Thanks so much for your sharing on how to work on yourself. My tears just ran down when I read the lines. They must have touched upon a lot of my suppressed feelings and the ambivalent struggles that accompany me every day. I think because of her fear of abandonment and my fear of her anger outburst, I cannot really fully look into all those issues that you talked about, especially the codependency and trust issue. Every time I subside the feelings and make up quickly, however, some of the feelings just grow underneath to find subtle chances to be expressed. As she is hyper-sensitive, she also feels that undercurrent and explodes in advance. Probably she feels she is too tired of placating me and "begging" for me to return. I feel after these 6 years, we are both torn and the relationship is distorted with every piece of fight. So many times I made up my mind that was the last time I should stand being yelled at, being threatened... .Sometimes I just wonder if I also contribute to all the chaos and enjoy her pleading... .I find myself so pathological and pathetic... .

I have also spent a good deal of time thinking and reading about boundaries and limits. What are my essential and unessential boundaries and why, and why did I let her trample on some of those boundaries that I should have defended.

I have spent a good deal of time thinking about why I feel so attached and so much love for her and why I minimized so much of the drama, to put it lightly.

Finally, I have spent time trying to just enjoy being with "me". I have gone and watched movies, went out to eat, re-visited hobbies, recommitted to work, and the list goes on.

I have also started talking and hanging out with family and old friends again.

I think that I lost myself in relationships, not just this one but previous ones. This one seems to be the most entrenching. We became the centre of each other's life. Especially after my parents died, she is the only and the closest person to me. I also quitted my full-time job and worked on free-lance for the planning to close our distance. Every time in this type of cold war, I have to reconsider my whole life planning again and again. I am so scared of making a huge mistake that can be irreversible. But every time she thinks that I am too selfish to just focus on myself.

Mike-X, there is so much insight from your sharing. I believe because I wished the relationship to work out so badly that I ignored my own concerns. I guess I cannot let the situation to put me in limbo forever... .sometimes I seem to forget how to be with myself...

[MM2013]

I am sorry that you had to endure that.   It is very hard to repair a relationship when trust is broken. Do you forgive her for her indiscretions?

EaglesJuju, I think you nail the point. After those incidents of infidelity, she pleaded forgiveness and made promises full disconnection. She assured she is loyal to me, but she just could not stand the loneliness when we are in fights or cold war. She promised to work on our communications and restore my trust. What I experienced was she did try hard to take care of my feelings, but she just did not use iphone or computer when we were together. According to her, she did not want to provoke my suspicion and just wanted to focus on me when together. If I sounded upset, she would accuse me of sabotaging her efforts in the relationship.

Gradually, I do not know if I really forgive. I just wish those things will never happen again. I guess you can imagine my insecurity and how that affects our interaction. My subtle suspicion was another major trigger of fights and her outburst.

Given her fear of loneliness, it seems so bizarre to me that she just disappeared for 3 weeks. She did not even tell me about the cats we raised. That's why I freaked out that she might have started up with someone already. Or maybe that had been for a while... .In fact, if she really finds someone more suitable, I truly give my blessing. I just don't know why she cannot terminate our relationship before starting another one.

[EaglesJuju]

EaglesJuju, I think you nail the point. After those incidents of infidelity, she pleaded forgiveness and made promises full disconnection. She assured she is loyal to me, but she just could not stand the loneliness when we are in fights or cold war. She promised to work on our communications and restore my trust. What I experienced was she did try hard to take care of my feelings, but she just did not use iphone or computer when we were together. According to her, she did not want to provoke my suspicion and just wanted to focus on me when together. If I sounded upset, she would accuse me of sabotaging her efforts in the relationship.

Do you believe her when she tells you that she is loyal to you?  Do you think she was trying hard to not provoke your suspicion and wanted to focus on you?

Gradually, I do not know if I really forgive. I just wish those things will never happen again. I guess you can imagine my insecurity and how that affects our interaction. My subtle suspicion was another major trigger of fights and her outburst.

I understand how you can feel that way. Insecurity is primarily based on fear that this may happen again. The insecure attachments that pwBPD have, exacerbates the fear. Essentially, trust is founded on our attachments with another person and the dynamics of the relationship.  I would take some time to really contemplate the "forgiveness" aspect. It would be very difficult to try to reconnect if you do not truly forgive. All of the issues of infidelity will eventually resurface and lead to more tumult.

Given her fear of loneliness, it seems so bizarre to me that she just disappeared for 3 weeks. She did not even tell me about the cats we raised. That's why I freaked out that she might have started up with someone already. Or maybe that had been for a while... .In fact, if she really finds someone more suitable, I truly give my blessing. I just don't know why she cannot terminate our relationship before starting another one.

The attachment style and push/pull behavior of a pwBPD is confusing. You would think that someone with the inability of being alone would want someone around constantly. Having high attachment anxiety (fears of abandonment/separation and is associated with a negative representation of self) prompts a pwBPD to be constantly engaged almost to the point of being "smothering" or highly dependent on another.  The facet of high avoidance attachment (discomfort with intimacy/dependency and is associated with a negative representation of others) pushes the partner away when the partner is being "overwhelming."  The push/pull is a paradox. 

[Mike-X]

EaglesJuju, I think you nail the point. After those incidents of infidelity, she pleaded forgiveness and made promises full disconnection. She assured she is loyal to me, but she just could not stand the loneliness when we are in fights or cold war. She promised to work on our communications and restore my trust. What I experienced was she did try hard to take care of my feelings, but she just did not use iphone or computer when we were together. According to her, she did not want to provoke my suspicion and just wanted to focus on me when together. If I sounded upset, she would accuse me of sabotaging her efforts in the relationship.

Gradually, I do not know if I really forgive. I just wish those things will never happen again. I guess you can imagine my insecurity and how that affects our interaction. My subtle suspicion was another major trigger of fights and her outburst.

MM2013, I really appreciate your honest disclosures in this thread. You and your girlfriend have been through a lot.

You mentioned that you don't know if you really have forgiven her and you mentioned not trusting. What are your thoughts on the relationship between forgiveness and trust?

Also, I believe that forgiveness sets "you" free. There are lots of readings on this out there. Here is one: www.tinybuddha.com/blog/forgiving-the-unforgivable-and-ending-your-own-suffering/

Finally, just a thought exercise here: There is a form of brief therapy where a person is asked to imagine what life would be like if a problem that they are wrestling with were somehow solved. Have you imagined how you would feel, what your life and sense of well-being would be like, if you truly did forgive her?

When I have struggled with forgiveness with people, I have tried working through exercises like this. 

[Mike-X]

Thanks for the kinds words.

I think that I lost myself in relationships, not just this one but previous ones. This one seems to be the most entrenching. We became the centre of each other's life. Especially after my parents died, she is the only and the closest person to me. I also quitted my full-time job and worked on free-lance for the planning to close our distance. Every time in this type of cold war, I have to reconsider my whole life planning again and again. I am so scared of making a huge mistake that can be irreversible. But every time she thinks that I am too selfish to just focus on myself.

I can certainly understand becoming entrenched in a relationship, and I can certainly understand looking for support from your significant other with the loss of your parents and change in jobs. I believe that we entering a relationship is to share your life with another person (good/bad, joy/sorrow) and to have them share their life with you.  Have you read about BPD and enmeshment, however?

[eyvindr]

Hi MM --

I'm sorry to hear that you're going though this. It's clear from your tone and your words that you feel very strongly for this person.

I think that I lost myself in relationships, not just this one but previous ones. This one seems to be the most entrenching. We became the centre of each other's life. Especially after my parents died, she is the only and the closest person to me. I also quitted my full-time job and worked on free-lance for the planning to close our distance. Every time in this type of cold war, I have to reconsider my whole life planning again and again. I am so scared of making a huge mistake that can be irreversible. But every time she thinks that I am too selfish to just focus on myself.

Mike-X, there is so much insight from your sharing. I believe because I wished the relationship to work out so badly that I ignored my own concerns. I guess I cannot let the situation to put me in limbo forever... .sometimes I seem to forget how to be with myself...

Have you asked yourself what it is that you think realistically can or will change? What would need to happen in this r-ship in order for you to get off this roller-coaster? You mention that this has been a 6-yr r-ship -- and that you are separated by distance, as well. What jumped out at me from all of your posts was this line: "Every time in this type of cold war, I have to reconsider my whole life planning again and again." That's pretty extreme, MM. And real -- I've been there. Do you have a life plan? Do you feel that it's fair to you that you have to revise it again and again based on this person's behavior and how they make you feel about yourself?

You deserve to be happy, MM. What would make you happy?

[Mike-X]

Mike-X, sorry to know that you are dealing with similar behavior. May I ask how you are holding on? Have you decided staying or leaving? Sometimes I don't understand, why not say directly that we should break up.

I have good moments and bad moments (better than good days and bad days, after she first left).

I would love to get back together, but only if she seeks counseling or we seek counseling together. Also, we would have to start with dating and proceed from there. I want us to enjoy life and enjoy the relationship. I want her to be the loving, happy person that she was before the negativity and paranoia started to appear. I also don't want her to have to continue to live with the awful pain from her past.

I am not a trained counselor, and I have finally accepted that I cannot say some magic words or guide her to healing and health. She has to want to heal. If she wants to heal and wants to get counseling, I will stand by her and be the best supportive partner that I can be. I have told her all of this, many times prior to and after she moved out. In fact, after her last accusation-filled text rant, I responded by simply saying, "I am sorry that you are upset. If you want to work toward loving each other again, I am here for you."

I started seeing a therapist on my own before she moved out, by the way. I realized that I was going to need help living with her with BPD and that I needed to take care of some of my own baggage from my past.

[MM2013]

EagleJuju, Mike-X, eyvindr,

A quick note to thank you all for your replies when I felt confused and helpless. I cannot fully describe how grateful I am and how your replies keep me in perspective. I took some time off to have more reflection on myself. I seek support from a close friend and re-connect with people. I got away from the computer and closed the instant messenger, instead of looking at them to see if there are messages all the time. I want to help myself from sinking into the darkhole. I hope to regain some energy to learn more, review the relationship and my life choices... .

Many times, I can connect to places of sadness, anger and helplessness inside my heart. I cried a number of times, but I am learning to just acknowledge them when they surfaced. I do not want to be engulfed by these feelings again. I do not know what will come next, but I believe I need to really contemplate forgiveness, codependency, trust issues... .

All your sharing on the hard work you have made encourage me. I guess for the time being, I will just start this journey by myself and for myself. I hope along the way I can still ask for your advice... .Thank you soo much!

[eyvindr]

You're always welcome here, MM2013. Be well. Take care of yourself.

[EaglesJuju]

EagleJuju, Mike-X, eyvindr,

A quick note to thank you all for your replies when I felt confused and helpless. I cannot fully describe how grateful I am and how your replies keep me in perspective. I took some time off to have more reflection on myself. I seek support from a close friend and re-connect with people. I got away from the computer and closed the instant messenger, instead of looking at them to see if there are messages all the time. I want to help myself from sinking into the darkhole. I hope to regain some energy to learn more, review the relationship and my life choices... .

Many times, I can connect to places of sadness, anger and helplessness inside my heart. I cried a number of times, but I am learning to just acknowledge them when they surfaced. I do not want to be engulfed by these feelings again. I do not know what will come next, but I believe I need to really contemplate forgiveness, codependency, trust issues... .

All your sharing on the hard work you have made encourage me. I guess for the time being, I will just start this journey by myself and for myself. I hope along the way I can still ask for your advice... .Thank you soo much!

You are welcome. We are here to support you.    

It sounds you are making some great progress.  It is fantastic that you are focusing on yourself.    

Taking each new self-realization one step at a time really helps from feeling overwhelmed.