Did we know too much?

GlitterBug

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 71

« on: January 27, 2015, 08:01:25 AM »

I've been doing alot of reflecting and some remunerating of late, It's almost been a year since I was painted Black and pwBPD initiated silent treatment and NC.

In the near 20yrs this person was in my life, I saw so much of the disordered part of her world.

Especially in the last 5yrs I saw things that even I was shocked by.

I mean I always knew she struggled with her mental health and it was aprox 5yrs ago that she thought she may be BPD - Needless to say she never sought help and would laugh off the suggestion of therapy as she believed it to be a sign of weakness to to seek out help.

So she battled through her life until things started to spill over and the mask started to slip.

She engaged in risky, unprotected sex with strangers (people who lived in the same apartment block), she would get drunk and knock on their door offering herself on a plate, and of course they took advantage!

She would drink to excess every weekend when her child was with the father and dabble in Class A drugs; then during the week she would become a virtual hermit, sleeping as much as she could and watching day time tv, all the time living in a dirty house.

Then came the suicide attempt (at the time it seemed to come out of the blue without warning but since learing more about BPD, I can see that it was the crescendo to her phase of dysregulation which had been ongoing for some time).

I found her unconscious and barely responsive after an over dose - I had a gut feeling somethingwas seriously wrong after she had posted some very strange things on social media, so I drover to her place an found her.

She made a full recovery but still refused professional help.

I tried my best to help her and relieve lifes pressures as much as I could as I thought at the time this would help - I thought it was severe depression and didn't know about BPD then.

It was after this that pwBPD had started researching and mentioned to me randomly one day that she thought she might be BPD - We talked about therapy but she soon shut down and nothing was ever mentioned again.

A couple of years later after more dysregulation and a pregnancy as a result of an unknown one night stand (she aborted the pregnancy), I again drove to her place after a tearful phone call to find that she had self harmed so badly.

There were cuts all over her legs and the bathroom was covered in blood... .She was drunk and inconsolable.

It is something I will never forget.

I cleaned her wounds and sat with her while she cried, I cried to - I felt that there was nothing I could do to help her as she went round and round in this awful cycle.

She made me promise not to tell anyone what she had done and I kept my word but said she had to get help for her own good and that of her child.

I suppose it was after this last major dysregulation that she began to change towards me - Any minor disagreement would be blown out of all proportion and she was always in a hurry to start the silent treatment.

I guess what I'm asking myself is that after I saw so much of her disorder and was apart of those very private moments where she was so vulnerable, did she feel shame at cutting herself or for having risky sex, or for allowing other people to see her so vulnerable.

Is it possible that a pwBPD can feel that they have shared too much, that perhaps we have gotten 'too close' and this can eventually lead to resentment, gas lighting, silent treatement, devaluation and ultimately they decide to cut us out of their lives because we simply know too much about them?