I thought he was just having a bad day, 20 years later...

[dcmc1244]

 

I have been married to what I am certain is my Boarder line Husband for 20 years... .Have tried to leave so many times I can't count. I am hoping this message board can help with my peace and mental health as verbal abuse and his imagined "control" is really old. I realize I am the one with the power as he crumbles whenever I leave... But It has left me with an unsteady since of what is real and unreal in life, much of the time. His wavering moods and give and take of love and affection has left me feeling like swiss cheese. With so many years of detaching myself from my own emotions I am learning to feel again. I have survived breast cancer, not once but 2 times in the last 18 months! It feels like a lifetime! I have had time to reflect on everything. So Hello everyone and Peace be with us all. No one knows what we endure living with this type of person!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Love your topic title. Speaks volumes

Hopefully we can help you answer the big questions...

~Why did you do it?

~What you can do about it?

I expect your brush with cancer has left you with that undrestanding that lif eis nort endless and should not be padded out with wasting it.

Tell us what led to you leavings and subsequent returnings?

waverider

[dcmc1244]

Love your topic title. Speaks volumes

Hopefully we can help you answer the big questions...

~Why did you do it?

~What you can do about it?

I expect your brush with cancer has left you with that undrestanding that lif eis nort endless and should not be padded out with wasting it.

Tell us what led to you leavings and subsequent returnings?

waverider

Thanks for the compliment! Humor is my best medicine and I tell it like it is. Usually... .I reviewed the Victim Triangle WOW there I was! It hit home. I have always been the one in my family to "make it all better" explains why I am a registered nurse! Why I married him... .He was my hero and I was really burnt out from being a single parent and having an X that is BP and Narcissitic. Little spouts of anger and rage... .no biggie... then I didn't protect my children from him. Never any physical abuse, that I am aware of, some of these things came to me these last 15 months or so. Nothing I did was ever good enough, except the sex, As i reflected more on my emotions running wild,, Shame from not protecting myself, going back because he "went to a shrink and is on meds", falling for every excuse everytime... .I have joined a support organization in my area for Domestic Violence, he has been arrested at least 2 times for abusing me and one time for my son, his step son. Domestic Violence is prominent with my partner, although the organiaztion encourages me not to blame his Mental Illness and Substance abuse, Everything I have read about BPD has My Partners name written all over it! He is an abuser, bottom line... Knowing I am not "the crazy one" has lifted a weight of my soul! I attempted to read "I hate you, don't leave me." was so angry and sad I gave it to someone else to read. Cryed and told a friend "I feel so ripped off!" thinking now about it I feel more betrayed. That is a better term.  SO off of the Victim Triangle I plan to be! My health, our Sons health and less suffering at the hands of this man I live with! Is my goal.  I hate to say this but as long as he has plenty of his "Medicine" MJ, and the right kind, we are able to tollerate his outbursts... .Dealing with a rattlesnake at times, Chop the head off quick!  I have left for many reasons in the past, Drug use and abuse being at the top of the list, came back for his promises and stability, money wise and emotionally. What I can do about is plan plan plan and stick to it!

[vortex of confusion]

Your thread title caught my attention! 

It is amazing how I have rationalized so much crap away with the excuse that he is having a bad day or is grumpy or some other lame excuse.

I don't have any words of wisdom to offer you as I am knee deep in trying to figure out how to move forward with a sex addict that is checked out. The lessons here have helped me to step off some of the drama cycles and not engage in his BS as much. It is a hard road to travel and I have a lot to learn.

[waverider]

The problem is too often we look back like looking across the ocean and our memories can only see the peaks of the waves, the troughs being hidden (we block them) so we forget that the nearest trough is not the issue, it is repeated pattern that is damaging.

To keep things in perspective you need to raise yourself above it so that you can see everything and its place in the pattern and realize that dealing with the immediate issue has no impact on the whole.

In short our coping strategies are nearly always too short sighted to be effective. When this realism hits home the resentment floods in anger, guilt, feeling of gullibilty all rear their ugly heads and it becomes difficult to stay calm and patient to work our way through it.

Do you feel you have had precious years stolen out of your life?

[dcmc1244]

The problem is too often we look back like looking across the ocean and our memories can only see the peaks of the waves, the troughs being hidden (we block them) so we forget that the nearest trough is not the issue, it is repeated pattern that is damaging.

To keep things in perspective you need to raise yourself above it so that you can see everything and its place in the pattern and realize that dealing with the immediate issue has no impact on the whole.

In short our coping strategies are nearly always too short sighted to be effective. When this realism hits home the resentment floods in anger, guilt, feeling of gullibilty all rear their ugly heads and it becomes difficult to stay calm and patient to work our way through it.

Do you feel you have had precious years stolen out of your life?

I am consistantly working on that! Yes, anger, resentment have reared it's head. Yet I am more and more focused on how I react and my participation, Have been getting counceling with the DV org. Letting it go... .Not to blame myself or him and I just read about thinking about him as my teacher. I am eating this information up like a hungry bear! Just finished watching videos by Dr Amador, I think was his name. Oh yeah I was a psychiatric nurse. No big suprise there. Always loved behavioral science. So to reflect on that question... .He has taught me about myself. And Yes still stolen my love and affection that was given and disregarded, But is'nt love given with no expectation of return? My mind is gently heading into a place where I can become independent and free from his Ranting and Disordered thinking. I know he will never change, I have excepted this. Do I intend to continue to "Love" and give without recieving, NO. I plan to continue to recover from Cancer and live a long healthy mental and physical life, without the drama of the Boarderline. Just begining the journey. Thank you for the question. Resentment will only hurt me. Not that I don't go there sometimes, just keeping a close eye on the beasts of negativity... .My son and I have done the MET and LEAP methods in the video out of survival. I will be studying it more as I know we need some improvement. It was amazing to hear he developed it... LOL I have used it as my own coping skill. I was unaware it had a name. His logic was right on point. It made me realize why my patients came back week after week to pick up there med boxes, because I would actively listen to the delussions and never condem. I learned alot watching the video. Thanks for being here for me!

[waverider]

Sounds like you are on the right path.

Resentment is our own self sabotage that we blame on others, but in reality it messes our quality of life up.

It is important not to mix up resentment with frustration. Frustration is our tool to vent out emotions and prevent them accumulating into resentment.