Healing little by little, step by step

[CloseToFreedom]

I feel like I am finally making SOME process in healing from the relationship with my ex undiagnosed BPDgf. And of course, I wanted to share that.

I'm still far, far away from feeling happy and I still feel I'm depressed. But there is some light at the end of the tunnel every now and then that makes me hope that this will really end someday.

First of all, the suicidal thoughts have been fading away slowly. I made a topic on the subject last week and during that time I think I truly saw hundreds of images of me in the act in my head during each day. Its much less now.

Secondly, there finally seems some process in me getting some good therapy. I finally got the doctor's order and they're going to send me to some sort of institution with a good T. I still have to receive the appointment for the intake meeting, though, but at least I know its coming. I do know I want to ask for some anti depressing pills. I know the negative consequenses of that but I could really use the extra help.

Thirdly, today felt less 'heavy' compared to previous days. For the first time in over two months I was a bit cheery when I arrived at work today. I do have to say that after half a workday my concentration is pretty much gone and I'm just free coasting till the time is up, but it feels a bit better than previous days. I hope to keep that up. I also discussed the situation with my manager and he seemed very open to it and told me its okay to stay at home on days that I have meetings with my T.

So then there's still the fact that my ex has a replacement since two weeks now. I think I truly started to process the break up when I found out about the replacement. Before that, I still had the hope that a recycle was coming eventually, now not anymore. She's really trying to show the world how much she is in love with this new guy on social media, on parties that I and friends of us go to as well, in the pub. Meh, whatever. I'm taking the high road.

Something strange happened yesterday and last night. I logged in into an old email inbox of mine that I havent used for years and I read an old email from my previous ex. This was the girl/woman I was with for 9 years, which I also lived together with. My childhood love, the one that cheated on me eventually, the one that I was trying to get over when I met my exBPDgf. What struck me was that even though she cheated on me, how friendly, normal and calm her email was. It was like a very caring email, even though we already knew back then that we were over because she cheated on me. She was so sweet, saying that I deserved someone that was better for me, that there was NOTHING wrong with me. The complete opposite of what my exBPDgf says after break ups when she splits me black. I ended up actually dreaming about my 'cheating' ex last night. It was a very warm and nice dream. I thought I was over her but I guess this break up really shook my thoughts up, and somehow it gave me some power and closure reading an old email from an ex way back, telling me that there is nothing wrong with me.

So, that's where I stand right now. Not really going anywhere with this and I'm sorry that I'm using this board for a weekly diary so to speak, but it helps in processing through it. Thanks for reading and all replies are more than welcome!

[downwhim]

Great progress! Keep writing, that is what this board is for. Funny how we revert back to our previous ex's. I have done the same thing. 

[peace_seeker]

Hi CloseToFreedom,

Glad to see that you are doing better now. Be gentle and patient with yourself, and slowly you'll notice even more happy moments in your life. It's also very good that you are mindful of the improvement, keep encouraging yourself w every baby step!