Need advice on breaking some big news to my dBPDh

[ColdEthyl]

To recap, my dBPDh has not spoken to his parents for a few months for reason in particular. He will fade one or two calls, then feel bad about it... .then he starts dodging them all to the point of ridiculousness that we are at now. He's done this cycle for years.

I just got a call from his mother this morning. She's planning on moving out of state and taking his father also. His father is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's. She's wanting to move to be closer to her friends and she is going to put his dad in a home close to her there.

This is all out of nowhere, and seems really... .spontaneous. I just got him to turn his phone on... .I was working him to call them this week then bam. I don't know exactly how to handle this situation. Should I tell him when I come home? Should I just wait until he calls her on his own?

I do not know if this will cause a dysregulation or not. I might also invite him to dinner tonight and maybe tell him and get him to call his mom.

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[Grey Kitty]

I think he already knows you talk to his parents. (Correct me if wrong)

I think you avoid getting in the middle as much as you can, and leave him to figure out his r/s with them, other than occasionally pushing him to be in touch... .and try to avoid confronting him with your contact of them, even though you don't keep it secret. (Also correct me if wrong)

This seems more significant than the 'normal' stuff and baggage between them, and you sound like you would feel really bad about keeping this quiet.

My suggestion... .pick one:

A: "H, your parents shared with me that they are making big life changes soon."

B: "H, your parents shared with me that your dad will be moving into a nursing home out of state soon."

You aren't burdened with holding a secret anymore.

And you aren't telling him anything about what to do. Leave that squarely in his court. It is his choice to talk to them or not.

He never even talks to them, let alone sees them, an uncrossable gulf of two miles isn't very different from an uncrossable gulf of 10,000 miles! So it may not matter to him or them.

And... .if he dysregulates... .it isn't your first rodeo    You get to brace yourself, AND set the starting time in a way that suits you!

[Grey Kitty]

I don't like pushing him to call. Just opening communications is stressful and difficult on him already. If he thinks he might be ready for that, he doesn't need to get a bomb dropped on him during his first conversation with his parents in months!

If you break the news, he isn't blindsided during this difficult call.

[ColdEthyl]

I don't like pushing him to call. Just opening communications is stressful and difficult on him already. If he thinks he might be ready for that, he doesn't need to get a bomb dropped on him during his first conversation with his parents in months!

If you break the news, he isn't blindsided during this difficult call.

Thank you ok! I was thinking that, but I didn't want to assume. Sometimes I don't know which way it's going to go. Nope you are perfectly correct. He does know I talk to her so that's not a big deal. I'm afraid he might dysregulate just because he's already carrying his shame around for not talking to them. But you are right I cannot control that. If it comes... .it comes and I will listen, be supportive, and validate him.

I won't say anything like "you need to call them". I won't even bring that up. I will just state what I know, and leave it him.

*whew* ok. Thanks I would have tried to push to call them... .and that would have been bad.

I texted him at lunch and asked him if he would like to go to dinner tonight. He's thinking about it. No matter where this conversation happens, I feel pretty good that it will go ok.

[Grey Kitty]

  Glad you are feeling better about it. Let us know what happens.

Maybe this event will push your H to re-think some of the silly stuff he's gotten entrenched in with his parents. Hope springs eternal... .just keep those expectations in check 

[ColdEthyl]

 Glad you are feeling better about it. Let us know what happens.

Maybe this event will push your H to re-think some of the silly stuff he's gotten entrenched in with his parents. Hope springs eternal... .just keep those expectations in check 

Ehhh... .it might make it worse. Where she's wanting to move is the cousins his dad used to take fishing instead of him when he was a kid... .and his mom is going back to that cult-y church. I'm afraid it might bring up some bad feelings.

[Grey Kitty]

OK, hope springs eternal... .so does worrying 

Let him decide what he's going to do instead of getting caught up in it yourself!

[ColdEthyl]

OK, hope springs eternal... .so does worrying 

Let him decide what he's going to do instead of getting caught up in it yourself!

*nod* I cannot 'fix' him. I can only support him. I'm learning that. However friggin' slow it seeps into my brain