I think my mother have BPD

[Michi]

Hi everyone who is reading this. I believe my mother have BPD. Through out my whole life my mother has been emotionally unstable. She has been married 3 times. Her second husband is my father. She has 4 children. As I grew older and was able to somewhat understand her I would always say to myself I think mom had children for selfish reason because she thought we will always need her. My mother was emotionally incestual to all 4 of her kids. She definitely has issues of embandoment. She's never lived alone and her mom died when she was a baby and her father remarried and she was sent to live with her grandmother.shes has instability with every relationship in her life and thinks everyone else has a problem. Growing up I would think it was normal for families to have frequent blow outs every month or so. Then was I was 19 and moved to live with my dad I finally knew what a peaceful home was like. Any advice that anyone has I would love to hear and get help to figure out what her issues are. This website gave me a lot of answers for the first time some clarity towards what mother may have

[Tim300]

Hi Michi -- I am sorry that you are going through this.  In what way do you find that she is "emotionally incestual"?  Who does she live with now?  What does she think everyone else's problem is in dealing with her?  It sounds to me like BPD is certainly a possibility here. 

[Turkish]

Hello Michi,

I'm glad you found us and have already gotten some answers! It's tough growing up in a dysfunctional family, because it warps our world-views to think that's just the way it is. It's good that you got out and got some clarity on how a stable home feels.

If you've read up on emotional incest (it sounds like you have), it is often true that a BPD mother has children in order to meet her needs, those of an empty self. I see my young children (2 and 5) often cast in the role of meeting their mother's emotional needs (her sadness and depression, or standing up to her angry episodes). The amount of damage this can cause depends upon the situation, and also has a lot to due with a child's inborn emotional resilience.

You mentioned 3 other children. Are they half-siblings of yours, and how functional are they?

To start, you can go through the Lessons here for more information.

Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse

What is BPD (48 minute video)

There are many kind members here struggling with similar issues, and I hope you stick around to tell us more of your story and how best we can help.



Turkish

[Michi]

I think she emotionally incestual because I've always felt the pain of her issues and growing up I always knew I knew way to much for my age. If there wasn't enough money for the bills or problems with friends or family members. If she had an issue we had to pick up the pieces.My sister is definitely the chosen child. She's the oldest. My mom has 4 kids. My oldest sister is 38. It took her up until she was married and had her own children than she cannot help my mom anymore and pick up her pieces. When her an my father divorced she went and contacted her ex boyfriend who later became her 3rd husband. My sister had to pay our plane tickets to move me and my brother to Florida. MY sister is happily married with 4 kids. I have a brother who is 33 married with 2 kids who's to speaking to her because she became intrusive into his marriage and family and my brother has a fear of divorce so he will do anything to keep peace in his home. My other brother who's is 27 has a drug and alcohol problem, he was neglected the most growing up. He was old enough that my father could take care of him but young enough to still need a mother arpund. I feel like he has issue with shame and he always appeases my mom but that causes him to internalize his feelings and cope with drugs or alcohol. And I'm 25 years old and I'd like to think I'm emtionally aware but I think I express my problems way too much and I feel like I got that from my mom.

[Turkish]

I think it's good that you seem aware of that. Sometimes parents with BPD can pass on "fleas" or behaviors to their children. It could be a few unhealthy traits (such as me being attracted to disordered women... .which is originally what landed me here at bpdfamily.com) to a child developing BPD themselves.

I can relate to what you say about expressing your problems, or "over-sharing." Sometimes when we meet someone similar (friends or romantic partners) we think "great, someone like me!" yet it's really two people with poor boundaries. You sound like you have a lot of wisdom about your family's dynamic.

[Tim300]

My advice is to keep reading about BPD, along with other potential disorders that might be involved (like other PDs, Munchausen syndrome, etc.). 

Also, I would make sure to maintain a strong family and friends network beyond your relationship with her.  That is to say, I would not get too attached to her, because relationships with pwBPD can end rather abruptly and without wrongdoing on your part.

[Michi]

My advice is to keep reading about BPD, along with other potential disorders that might be involved (like other PDs, Munchausen syndrome, etc.).  

Also, I would make sure to maintain a strong family and friends network beyond your relationship with her.  That is to say, I would not get too attached to her, because relationships with pwBPD can end rather abruptly and without wrongdoing on your part.

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Thanks, I defintly have a strong family network. The hardest part is my brother above me who in believe is the most effected by her, so he is turning to drugs and alcohol. This morning it just ended abruptly and she up and left and all she is saying is don't worry I'll be fine. But since i triggered this latest episode I feel like my brother will resent me because he is so selfless towards her and pity's her.