She broke NC again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In continuation of this this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

Two days ago I receive a text from her out of the blue telling me she is going to try making ASMR videos on YouTube. I wished her good luck and that was about it.

Just to recap. I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again. 10 days later she blows up my phone at 1 AM telling me to stop talking about her and BPD on this other forum I post on (she reads my posts there). She even said in one of the text messages that she respected my NC decision and that a true person with BPD would feel abandoned by that but she didn't feel like she was. It was around this time that she got into a new relationship with some guy she hardly knew off POF.


Well, that day she sent me a text about making the YouTube videos (two days ago) I was also on Tinder that day and saw that she was back on there again. I looked at her profile and it said that she had just been dumped via text, . I believe she sent me that text message the same day she got dumped. Why? The text was so random. Keep in mind that this is the girl who told me she respected my decision of no contact and said that she would feel fine not hearing from me again (although she said that while she had a new boyfriend).

The cycle continues.

[paperlung]

In continuation of this this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

Two days ago I receive a text from her out of the blue telling me she is going to try making ASMR videos on YouTube. I wished her good luck and that was about it.

Just to recap. I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again. 10 days later she blows up my phone at 1 AM telling me to stop talking about her and BPD on this other forum I post on (she reads my posts there). She even said in one of the text messages that she respected my NC decision and that a true person with BPD would feel abandoned by that but she didn't feel like she was. It was around this time that she got into a new relationship with some guy she hardly knew off POF.


Well, that day she sent me a text about making the YouTube videos (two days ago) I was also on Tinder that day and saw that she was back on there again. I looked at her profile and it said that she had just been dumped via text, . I believe she sent me that text message the same day she got dumped. Why? The text was so random. Keep in mind that this is the girl who told me she respected my decision of no contact and said that she would feel fine not hearing from me again (although she said that while she had a new boyfriend).

The cycle continues.

[jhkbuzz]

In continuation of this this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

Two days ago I receive a text from her out of the blue telling me she is going to try making ASMR videos on YouTube. I wished her good luck and that was about it.

Just to recap. I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again. 10 days later she blows up my phone at 1 AM telling me to stop talking about her and BPD on this other forum I post on (she reads my posts there). She even said in one of the text messages that she respected my NC decision and that a true person with BPD would feel abandoned by that but she didn't feel like she was. It was around this time that she got into a new relationship with some guy she hardly knew off POF.


Well, that day she sent me a text about making the YouTube videos (two days ago) I was also on Tinder that day and saw that she was back on there again. I looked at her profile and it said that she had just been dumped via text, . I believe she sent me that text message the same day she got dumped. Why? The text was so random. Keep in mind that this is the girl who told me she respected my decision of no contact and said that she would feel fine not hearing from me again (although she said that while she had a new boyfriend).

The cycle continues.

It sounds like you're sending her mixed signals though?... .you said that "I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again" but yet you responded to her latest text?

I think maybe it's closer to the truth to say that you broke n/c.  

The boundaries you set are not to "regulate" or control her behavior.  Your boundaries are a determination about what YOU will and will not allow in your life.  You set a boundary (no more contact) but then you responded to her text.  In that instance, you violated your own boundaries.

[paperlung]

In continuation of this this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

Two days ago I receive a text from her out of the blue telling me she is going to try making ASMR videos on YouTube. I wished her good luck and that was about it.

Just to recap. I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again. 10 days later she blows up my phone at 1 AM telling me to stop talking about her and BPD on this other forum I post on (she reads my posts there). She even said in one of the text messages that she respected my NC decision and that a true person with BPD would feel abandoned by that but she didn't feel like she was. It was around this time that she got into a new relationship with some guy she hardly knew off POF.


Well, that day she sent me a text about making the YouTube videos (two days ago) I was also on Tinder that day and saw that she was back on there again. I looked at her profile and it said that she had just been dumped via text, . I believe she sent me that text message the same day she got dumped. Why? The text was so random. Keep in mind that this is the girl who told me she respected my decision of no contact and said that she would feel fine not hearing from me again (although she said that while she had a new boyfriend).

The cycle continues.

It sounds like you're sending her mixed signals though?... .you said that "I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again" but yet you responded to her latest text?

I guess, but the long rage text she sent me I just couldn't ignore. It would have bothered me more if I didn't reply to that one. I told her not to contact me, but she's done so twice now. Mixed signals aside because I haven't tried initiating, she told me she respected my decision, so where's the respect?

[jhkbuzz]

In continuation of this this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

Two days ago I receive a text from her out of the blue telling me she is going to try making ASMR videos on YouTube. I wished her good luck and that was about it.

Just to recap. I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again. 10 days later she blows up my phone at 1 AM telling me to stop talking about her and BPD on this other forum I post on (she reads my posts there). She even said in one of the text messages that she respected my NC decision and that a true person with BPD would feel abandoned by that but she didn't feel like she was. It was around this time that she got into a new relationship with some guy she hardly knew off POF.


Well, that day she sent me a text about making the YouTube videos (two days ago) I was also on Tinder that day and saw that she was back on there again. I looked at her profile and it said that she had just been dumped via text, . I believe she sent me that text message the same day she got dumped. Why? The text was so random. Keep in mind that this is the girl who told me she respected my decision of no contact and said that she would feel fine not hearing from me again (although she said that while she had a new boyfriend).

The cycle continues.

It sounds like you're sending her mixed signals though?... .you said that "I told her on the 4th via e-mail that I didn't want to hear or see her again" but yet you responded to her latest text?

I guess, but the long rage text she sent me I just couldn't ignore. It would have bothered me more if I didn't reply to that one. I told her not to contact me, but she's done so twice now. Mixed signals aside because I haven't tried initiating, she told me she respected my decision, so where's the respect?

The reality is that you could have ignored the 'long rage text', but you chose to respond instead. I'm not judging you; I'm sure that would have been a hard text to ignore.  But I think it's important for us to own our decisions and our actions.  First you made the decision to read the text; then you made the decision to respond.  At that point you broke n/c.

Where's the respect? Why are you expecting her to maintain n/c when you have clearly shown her that what you say and what you do are two entirely different things? Why are you expecting her to do something that you are clearly unwilling to do?

It's almost as though you believe that, because she "crossed a boundary" with you that you must respond.  Truth is that she will test your boundaries again and again - it is up to YOU to maintain them.

Take your power back.  If you really want to go n/c, then go n/c no matter what she does in response.

[paperlung]

So the next time she sends me a text, do you think it would be better if I just ignored it or tell her that she isn't respecting my decision (like she said she was) and to leave me alone again?

[jhkbuzz]

So the next time she sends me a text, do you think it would be better if I just ignored it or tell her that she isn't respecting my decision (like she said she was) and to leave me alone again?

Ignore. That's what no contact is all about.  

If doing that will be especially hard for you, one option is to block her number on your phone.  That way you won't know if she sends a text, and nothing will get "bounced back" to her - she'll just think you haven't responded.  I blocked my ex in every way conceivable for the first two months because I didn't trust myself to remain strong if she contacted me.  I've since unblocked because I'm not so worried about it at this point - I feel much stronger.

You ended your original post with the words "the cycle continues."  The truth is that the cycle only continues because you continue to respond.  The cycle will end when you remove yourself from it. But perhaps you're not ready to do that yet? 

I know all of this is hard.    I'm sorry for that.

[myself]

I didn't want to hear or see her again.

Agree with what jhkbuzz has been saying. If this^^^ is what you want and need, if it's best for you, it's up to you to follow through with it, not her. It's not really about the (dis)respect from her. It's about respecting yourself.

[Confused?]

Was she ever respectful of you?

[paperlung]

So the next time she sends me a text, do you think it would be better if I just ignored it or tell her that she isn't respecting my decision (like she said she was) and to leave me alone again?

Ignore. That's what no contact is all about.  

If doing that will be especially hard for you, one option is to block her number on your phone.  That way you won't know if she sends a text, and nothing will get "bounced back" to her - she'll just think you haven't responded.  I blocked my ex in every way conceivable for the first two months because I didn't trust myself to remain strong if she contacted me.  I've since unblocked because I'm not so worried about it at this point - I feel much stronger.

You ended your original post with the words "the cycle continues."  The truth is that the cycle only continues because you continue to respond.  The cycle will end when you remove yourself from it. But perhaps you're not ready to do that yet?  

I know all of this is hard.    I'm sorry for that.

Thanks, appreciate the advice.

As for the "cycle continues" part, I meant that more at her and how she's constantly going in and out of relationships, and is always on the prowl if she's not.

The part in her Tinder bio that said "I just got dumped via text." Makes it painfully obvious she's on the rebound.

[jhkbuzz]

So the next time she sends me a text, do you think it would be better if I just ignored it or tell her that she isn't respecting my decision (like she said she was) and to leave me alone again?

Ignore. That's what no contact is all about.  

If doing that will be especially hard for you, one option is to block her number on your phone.  That way you won't know if she sends a text, and nothing will get "bounced back" to her - she'll just think you haven't responded.  I blocked my ex in every way conceivable for the first two months because I didn't trust myself to remain strong if she contacted me.  I've since unblocked because I'm not so worried about it at this point - I feel much stronger.

You ended your original post with the words "the cycle continues."  The truth is that the cycle only continues because you continue to respond.  The cycle will end when you remove yourself from it. But perhaps you're not ready to do that yet?  

I know all of this is hard.    I'm sorry for that.

Thanks, appreciate the advice.

As for the "cycle continues" part, I meant that more at her and how she's constantly going in and out of relationships, and is always on the prowl if she's not.

The part in her Tinder bio that said "I just got dumped via text." Makes it painfully obvious she's on the rebound.

Right... .the drama continues.  The drama will always continue.  Do you want to be involved? It sounds like you might be a little undecided?... .

[icom]

No Contact 101:

(Notes that a text message had arrived sometime during the day.  Puts down book, and picks-up phone)

"Huh, as I live and breath, it's my ex... ."

(Deletes text, picks-up book, and resumes reading)

[ChadP]

I'm with jhkbuzz on this. You sound undecided.

[paperlung]

From March 2013 to March 2014. I didn't speak to her once. I changed my number and e-mail address, making it very difficult for her to contact me. She found a way though through Facebook in July 2013, but I didn't reply. Not once did I consider reaching out to her.

It's 2015 now, and although I will never forget what she did to me, I have forgiven her for it. I'm not looking to best buddies with her now. Frankly, she's a slut who has no direction in life. Then, of course, there is her BPD behavior. Even if by some means we started dating again, I would just be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It would never, ever work. She doesn't even believe anything is wrong with her. I decided to go NC again on January 4th because I was afraid of getting too close/attached to her again (I saw her in person twice in December). It's hard to let go of the person you thought you knew. You know, the one you originally fell in love with before all the craziness started happening. I do miss that person. She was also my first love. It's tough is all.

[hurting300]

Paperlung, you did the adult manly thing here. You TOLD HER, do not contact me. You had the backbone to stand up and say it. You have done nothing wrong.

[paperlung]

Paperlung, you did the adult manly thing here. You TOLD HER, do not contact me. You had the backbone to stand up and say it. You have done nothing wrong.

I know, but I'm getting questioned for breaking NC myself, which is fair. All she had to do was not contact me like I told. When she did break NC, she said "I respected your decision." Respected? Then why are you talking to me right now?

[Infared]

Paperlung, you did the adult manly thing here. You TOLD HER, do not contact me. You had the backbone to stand up and say it. You have done nothing wrong.

I know, but I'm getting questioned for breaking NC myself, which is fair. All she had to do was not contact me like I told. When she did break NC, she said "I respected your decision." Respected? Then why are you talking to me right now?

Paperlung... .you need to take complete responsibility for still being  immeshed in the dysfunctional dance with this other person.

Going NC: this means (by any means necessary) that you do not make any contact with this other person.  NONE. This means you made a decision for yourself to protect you, to let you heal from the pain and to move forward. You change your phone number if you have to.  To the point of... .if you are standing in a parking lot and you see her coming to talk to you, you get in your car and drive away.  Simple. You are committed to no contact. She is not. They never are. It means you have made a decision, FOR YOU... .And that YOU are committed to moving forward, away from the failed relationship with this mentally sick person.  PwBPD will do anything to manipulate you and try to control you. They are sick. Of course they will contact you... .again and again and again again. They do not know what the word respect even means. Their lives are about neediness and controlling others. They are mentally ill. You cannot reason with a mentally ill person.

It's OK to still be in a relationship with her... .we have all done it... .but calling this NC is just downright silly. You are not being honest with yourself.

[paperlung]

Paperlung, you did the adult manly thing here. You TOLD HER, do not contact me. You had the backbone to stand up and say it. You have done nothing wrong.

I know, but I'm getting questioned for breaking NC myself, which is fair. All she had to do was not contact me like I told. When she did break NC, she said "I respected your decision." Respected? Then why are you talking to me right now?

Paperlung... .you need to take complete responsibility for still being  immeshed in the dysfunctional dance with this other person.

Going NC: this means (by any means necessary) that you do not make any contact with this other person.  NONE. This means you made a decision for yourself to protect you, to let you heal from the pain and to move forward. You change your phone number if you have to.  To the point of... .if you are standing in a parking lot and you see her coming to talk to you, you get in your car and drive away.  It means you have made a decision, FOR YOU... .And that YOU are committed to moving forward, away from the failed relationship with this mentally sick person.  PwBPD will do anything to manipulate you and try to control you. They are sick. Of course they will contact you... .again and again and again again. They do not know what the word respect even means. Their lives are about neediness and controlling others.

It's OK to still be in a relationship with her... .but calling this NC is just downright silly.

Well, it was NC that I asked for from her; to leave me alone, and she didn't respect that. She didn't contact me for 10 days ( the 14th being when she sent me the 1 AM rage text). I really couldn't let that one slide, I needed stand up for myself on that one. 10 days after that (which was as long as her new relationship lasted I figured) she sent me the most random text about doing ASMR videos on YouTube. Why? Was it simply to see if I would talk to her so that she could feel validated and soothed after just being dumped? I was debating whether or not to reply at all, but I did... .I wished her good luck. So yes, I broke NC too.

All I want to know is why she does this.

[Ripped Heart]

I know, but I'm getting questioned for breaking NC myself, which is fair. All she had to do was not contact me like I told. When she did break NC, she said "I respected your decision." Respected? Then why are you talking to me right now?

It's a very difficult cycle to navigate and one I get caught up in quite a lot. When I tell BPDgf that I need to take a step back, she understands but then comes at me with a "need" and I jump back in to the drama.

What's key here is that you really need to figure out what you really want. If it's no contact from her whatsoever, her actions are perfectly normal. She is testing you to see if you mean it. Remember, to a pwBPD, words and actions are completely different and I suspect if they think that's the norm then your words and actions wouldn't fit either. You can't control their actions, only yours and how you react to their actions.

My exN/BPDw raged that I was never to contact her again, 3 years later and I'm still getting emails and attempts at re-engagement. I've never contacted her in 3 years but it doesn't stop her trying so I've accepted she is always going to make attempts and stick with my own actions of never reaching out and contacting her.

If you choose to go NC, then it's something you need to stick at but if you are happy with LC then that's your choice too. You just have to be comfortable with what you choose to do and where your limitations are.

I wonder why she sent you the text she did. Do you think she is letting you know so she can see if you have the urge to check them out? I know when I went NC with BPDgf at the start of the month, she couldn't wait to tell me she was able to sort her bills out herself that month, she did that because she wanted me to tell her I was proud of her and show she was able to do something for herself. It was to get a reaction because when I didn't respond, then came the suicide threats and I was back in again.

I do think your ex is letting you know where she is and what she is doing because she wants a reaction, she wants to test if you mean don't contact you again and then knowing the videos are there, if you do care enough to check them out.

For me, it's not about who broke NC. It's about the fact you gave her the reaction she was wanting and needing from you and like I say, I fall into that trap quite a bit too  

[Infared]

Paperlung, you did the adult manly thing here. You TOLD HER, do not contact me. You had the backbone to stand up and say it. You have done nothing wrong.

I know, but I'm getting questioned for breaking NC myself, which is fair. All she had to do was not contact me like I told. When she did break NC, she said "I respected your decision." Respected? Then why are you talking to me right now?

Paperlung... .you need to take complete responsibility for still being  immeshed in the dysfunctional dance with this other person.

Going NC: this means (by any means necessary) that you do not make any contact with this other person.  NONE. This means you made a decision for yourself to protect you, to let you heal from the pain and to move forward. You change your phone number if you have to.  To the point of... .if you are standing in a parking lot and you see her coming to talk to you, you get in your car and drive away.  It means you have made a decision, FOR YOU... .And that YOU are committed to moving forward, away from the failed relationship with this mentally sick person.  PwBPD will do anything to manipulate you and try to control you. They are sick. Of course they will contact you... .again and again and again again. They do not know what the word respect even means. Their lives are about neediness and controlling others.

It's OK to still be in a relationship with her... .but calling this NC is just downright silly.

Well, it was NC that I asked for from her; to leave me alone, and she didn't respect that. She didn't contact me for 10 days ( the 14th being when she sent me the 1 AM rage text). I really couldn't let that one slide, I needed stand up for myself on that one. 10 days after that (which was as long as her new relationship lasted I figured) she sent me the most random text about doing ASMR videos on YouTube. Why? Was it simply to see if I would talk to her so that she could feel validated and soothed after just being dumped? I was debating whether or not to reply at all, but I did... .I wished her good luck. So yes, I broke NC too.

All I want to know is why she does this.

She is mentally ill. We try to get healthy by separating ourselves from mental illness.

The question that you should be asking is:

"Why do I continually engage with this crazy person?"

Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I needed a T to help me see and understand this stuff. I also needed a T to help me see my part in the dysfunction, and especially to take responsibility for MY part in my pain and frustration, which triggered depression for me.  Brutal honesty is not easy. Changing and growing is not easy.

Right now... .years later... .if I received an email from my ex... .I would not read it. I would delete it. Say a prayer for her... .and go on with my day. Would I have emotions about it? Yes.

For me... .if I read the email or responded it would be similar to making the decision to walk in front of a car. I pretty much know the outcome... .and that would be on ME. Today I make choices that are healthy for me.

[Ripped Heart]

She didn't contact me for 10 days ( the 14th being when she sent me the 1 AM rage text). I really couldn't let that one slide, I needed stand up for myself on that one.

All I want to know is why she does this.

This is the reason I was kept in a highly abusive emotionally, mentally and physically abusive cycle with my exN/BPDw, because the smear campaign would begin which was all lies. She would then tell me what everyone thought of me and I kept going back to clear my name. Why? Because it was all lies and my ego was perhaps more important at the time. my exN/BPDw looked for every button to press that would get a reaction in the shortest amount of time and smashing my character and ego was the one that got me every time.

T once said to me, "why is it so important to put myself in danger over something I knew and he knew was a lie?" The truth was, it wasn't important because people will think what they want to think. I don't like people having the wrong impression but the way I look at things now is that if they are so quick to believe the rantings of a crazy woman over who I really am, they aren't worth having in my life anyway.

It's all about control. in the 3 years my exN/BPDw has been trying to re-engage I've had nasty emails, nice emails, ego boosting emails, rages, helplessness, emergencies, drama, sadness. You name it, she's tried it and it's all about trying to find that button that will get you to react and respond.

BPDgf does it too. When I'm pushed too far away, she panics and knows that she can draw me back by having a crisis that needs me to step in and save the day. Been through it in the middle of the night tonight because I mentioned yesterday about needing to take a step back. I also got that she "forgot" one of my christmas presents so I have to see her because she needs to give it to me. I know that if all that fails the suicide threats start.

ExN/BPDw and BPDgf are very different people but the moment there is any distance, both react in the same way by looking for the button to press that will get the fastest reaction. I'm still involved with BPDgf so that's a little harder to navigate but exN/BPDw will never get a reaction from me and I think she's exhausted every button she can think of right now.

[Infared]

^

[paperlung]

I know, but I'm getting questioned for breaking NC myself, which is fair. All she had to do was not contact me like I told. When she did break NC, she said "I respected your decision." Respected? Then why are you talking to me right now?

It's a very difficult cycle to navigate and one I get caught up in quite a lot. When I tell BPDgf that I need to take a step back, she understands but then comes at me with a "need" and I jump back in to the drama.

What's key here is that you really need to figure out what you really want. If it's no contact from her whatsoever, her actions are perfectly normal. She is testing you to see if you mean it. Remember, to a pwBPD, words and actions are completely different and I suspect if they think that's the norm then your words and actions wouldn't fit either. You can't control their actions, only yours and how you react to their actions.

My exN/BPDw raged that I was never to contact her again, 3 years later and I'm still getting emails and attempts at re-engagement. I've never contacted her in 3 years but it doesn't stop her trying so I've accepted she is always going to make attempts and stick with my own actions of never reaching out and contacting her.

If you choose to go NC, then it's something you need to stick at but if you are happy with LC then that's your choice too. You just have to be comfortable with what you choose to do and where your limitations are.

I wonder why she sent you the text she did. Do you think she is letting you know so she can see if you have the urge to check them out? I know when I went NC with BPDgf at the start of the month, she couldn't wait to tell me she was able to sort her bills out herself that month, she did that because she wanted me to tell her I was proud of her and show she was able to do something for herself. It was to get a reaction because when I didn't respond, then came the suicide threats and I was back in again.

I do think your ex is letting you know where she is and what she is doing because she wants a reaction, she wants to test if you mean don't contact you again and then knowing the videos are there, if you do care enough to check them out.

For me, it's not about who broke NC. It's about the fact you gave her the reaction she was wanting and needing from you and like I say, I fall into that trap quite a bit too  

So you've been with two women with BPD? Were they both diagnosed, too?

The text about doing YouTube videos was just so random to me. It came out of nowhere really, and I don't understand why she felt the need to tell me. It's not as if she even began the message with, "I know you told me you didn't want to hear from me again, but... ." She just went straight into what she was going to do. She's been working as a cam model for two years but I guess wants to try something new, although her chances of success are low. I don't know how popular ASMR videos are, but she would have to gain a massive following pretty quickly to even be considered a "YouTube Partner" and get paid for it. And that's not going to happen over night.

I find it ironic that she sent me that text the same day (I think) she broke up with her boyfriend of like 10 days. I'm assuming this because I found her on Tinder that same day and in her profile it said, "I just got dumped via text." Before that, I probably wasn't even on her radar.

[Ripped Heart]

Yes, I married a pwNPD/BPD but didn't know at the time. Suffered some serious abuse during the marriage and all the blame was put on me. exN/BPDw gave me an ultimatum, get help or she would divorce me. Found a clinical psychologist because I was so enmeshed in it all, I honestly believed I was at fault. Irony being that she decided to see my T instead because she wanted and needed to plant a seed before I ever saw him.

After a few appointments, he asked to see us both together and then wanted to see me on my own and that he was done with her. That's when I first discovered she was NPD/BPD and there was nothing he was ever going to be able to do for her. The NPD stopped her from even taking the slightest of responsibility, it was projected straight out. Decided to stay because she had children and I felt I needed to protect the children. Didn't work out in the end and was discarded with an overnight divorce. As I say, 3 years later and she still attempts contact.

Spent a year working on myself and then met BPDgf who was diagnosed, pretty self aware and even brought it up at the very beginning of the r/s. My thinking there was that since she was self aware and because she took responsibility for her actions and words that this was very different.

It could be with your gf, that she has nobody else to tell so wants to tell you. Likewise, it could be to test your boundaries. BPDgf has done that to me these past couple of days and like you, it never starts with "I know you told me you didn't" but mine will usually finish with that after. The only thing I can liken it is like a child would do.

January after both she and I ended the r/s was NC for 4 days

Her: Please talk to me, I really need to speak to you

Ignore

Her: Please, I'm really sorry and I just want to speak to you, got something important to tell you

Me: I think all that's needed to be said has been said. I've asked for time and space and that you don't contact me because I need clarity right now

Her: (suicide threats)

Me: OK, what is it you want to talk to me about

Her: I've forgot now

Me: I hope you find the happiness in your life that you truly want and deserve

Her: I paid all my bills this month

I think in your case, it's about her wanting to know you are there, that you are paying an interest into what she is doing, regardless of whether she is forcing that upon you. It doesn't matter to her how you are feeling right now, what's important to her is that someone cares.

The thing I struggle with is that I don't think it is ever personal. I'm almost certain that when my BPDgf has an issue, I'm not the only one she contacts. I think she messages several people all with the same thing and then goes off who gives her the response she is wanting.

If Tinder is anything to go by and her response on there, she might not be getting the attention she is after. I know if I read that on a profile, I'd be asking myself why that was and carefully avoid. So if she isn't get the attention, she could very well be turning to the person she feels she will get the attention from because you have been there in the past to do that despite her actions. It's reaching out to the quickest and easiest attachment which just happens to be you.

[paperlung]

Spent a year working on myself and then met BPDgf who was diagnosed, pretty self aware and even brought it up at the very beginning of the r/s. My thinking there was that since she was self aware and because she took responsibility for her actions and words that this was very different.

My ex became self-aware about her disorder after our official break up back in March 2013. I had changed my number and e-mail address, but she called my house number and talked to my mom. She just wanted to pass on that she got diagnosed with BPD by a doctor. For months after that, she went on believing she had BPD, but then... .I don't know when, she dismissed it. In her opinion, what she put me through was nothing more than her just being under a lot of stress/depression/loneliness after having moved out on her own, making a living as a cam model.

It could be with your gf, that she has nobody else to tell so wants to tell you. Likewise, it could be to test your boundaries. BPDgf has done that to me these past couple of days and like you, it never starts with "I know you told me you didn't" but mine will usually finish with that after. The only thing I can liken it is like a child would do.

She does have other people to tell. She still keeps in contact with three of her ex-boyfriends. No real friends that are girls, though. She probably just wanted to see if I would reply for the validation.

January after both she and I ended the r/s was NC for 4 days

Her: Please talk to me, I really need to speak to you

Ignore

Her: Please, I'm really sorry and I just want to speak to you, got something important to tell you

Me: I think all that's needed to be said has been said. I've asked for time and space and that you don't contact me because I need clarity right now

Her: (suicide threats)

Me: OK, what is it you want to talk to me about

Her: I've forgot now

Me: I hope you find the happiness in your life that you truly want and deserve

Her: I paid all my bills this month

I went through something similar one time after 4 or 5 days of NC because my replacement was visiting her (this was another breakup).

First, she blew up my phone in evening.

"am i really never going to hear from you again... ?"

"sorry i wont contact you. i will respect your decision."

"i know that you hate me, and dont trust me for all the right reasons... but if you ever want to contact me again... im sorry for ****ing you up. i really am and our story... our relationship and love but please know under my stubborn mental illness is the girl you once loved."

Then she tried calling me twice, so I turned off my phone. Then I check my email.

"i wont write a novel in this, but it could be long, and i hope you read it even if you dont reply. i need treatment. im sorry for rejecting your help for me. i want to say ill move back home and things will be better but i cant. the landlord told me she hopes not to regret giving me the chance to live here. all ive done my life is let people down including myself. ive lived with no confidence my whole life to be a somebody. deep down i think my life is over and i will never speak to you again, but there is something deep inside crying out for help. ive relapsed back into my anorexia badly and you can start to see my bones. i spend my days wondering how ill cope or survive with such massive depression and griping lonelyness. i can tell you a million reasons why i dont want you to call my family and tell them this but i am risking this with the message. sometimes, or most of the times i cant live with the grief or guilt of the things ive done and the damage ive caused which is bringing damage to myself. i sit here crying knowing im not best for you and im pathetic and useless and youll acomplish your dreams and you will have the last laugh when im in some gutter and thinking 'i told her so'. whatever happens... im sorry im sorry im sorry but sorry isnt enough and it never will be."

Then I get ANOTHER email from her titled, "Things I never took the time to thank you for".

"- paying for my animal welfare program after hardly knowing me. - paying for anything i needed when i was broke. - continuing to love me despite my moods - seeing me after school and work - missing important classes for me during my pathetic depressions and anxietys - spending copious amount of time in my room on nice days with me cause of the reaaon above - coming back into my life and being forgiving, like you always were after i made you miserable - being ok with the fact i didnt really enjoy hockey that much - holding me when i cried about the horrible things i went through and promising to have a better life with you - signing a lease so i could live in a nicer house - being with me to trips to see my mother - thinking the world of me despite my problems - the nice days at the mall and bubble teas - the aquarium - dinner at your grandparents - dinner at your parents - your parents kindness - ice skating with me even though i really cant - cleaning my house - thinking i was beautiful without makeup - the endless cost of gas you spent on driving - not judging me for my horrendus job - never abusing me - never controlling me - and most of all taking the time to know me and love me"

I turn my phone back on and see that she tried to call me two more times, plus these texts.

"i sent you some emails. i know you dont want to speak to me but i needed to write."

"i was terrified you really blocked me so thats why i called. im sorry you had to turn off your phone."

"if youre wanting to help me think about it and reply k"

"youre never going to talk to me... .  "

I think in your case, it's about her wanting to know you are there, that you are paying an interest into what she is doing, regardless of whether she is forcing that upon you. It doesn't matter to her how you are feeling right now, what's important to her is that someone cares.

The thing I struggle with is that I don't think it is ever personal. I'm almost certain that when my BPDgf has an issue, I'm not the only one she contacts. I think she messages several people all with the same thing and then goes off who gives her the response she is wanting.

I agree.

If Tinder is anything to go by and her response on there, she might not be getting the attention she is after. I know if I read that on a profile, I'd be asking myself why that was and carefully avoid. So if she isn't get the attention, she could very well be turning to the person she feels she will get the attention from because you have been there in the past to do that despite her actions. It's reaching out to the quickest and easiest attachment which just happens to be you.

Well she has since deleted that part out of her bio. Probably got tired of guys asking what happened or something, .

I don't think it was just a coincidence that she reached out to me the same day she got dumped. Even if it was just small talk. Haven't heard from her since Saturday.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex BPD gf were in LC for 2 months after the break up a few texts and out the blue calls  mostly hate and projection from her then a little bit of shame and regret from her after being with my replacement for 6 weeks it's funny she went from rubbing my replacement in my face after the break up to them slowly then ring me out the blue Xmas eve and tell me that she wants to get on with me and no hard feelings started crying after wishing me a merry Xmas then silence for 2 weeks after she ignored my text Xmas day so I went NC then I got a call from a withheld number during the day so I answered it was her ! She was blaming me for some drama that's happened since we split up but calmly told her I do not wish to know or take blame for her falling out with all her freinds ( she fell out with them all one by one over different reasons mostly her being her and not taking responsibility for her actions ) then told me she didn't want to be freinds with me and can't forgive me for the break up and to leave her alone so I left her alone and went NC again please bear in mind when I say NC I don't mean to heal etc as I wanted to stay in contact as I hadn't detatched yet but was goin along with what she wanted and that was to leave her alone . A week passes and I found out she cheated on me whe still together that hurt big time but at first I thought better of it to text her and tell her I know and how hurt this has made me so I left it as thought what's the point if she replys she will deny it and get more hateful things hurled at me and even more lies . I held it in for a week but I was so angry at her and really hurt for the first time since the break up I text her telling her I know she cheated and that she is never to contact me or come near me again ! At first she denied it and got hateful stuff said as predicted then I worded my reply and the facts and truths about the circumstances that she cheated I got no reply then an hour later she sent this ( you all win ok I am alone now good bye ) I'm assuming the shame and guilt at that point was to much I didn't reply and since then I went NC to heal and focus on me as cheating was the one thing that killed me inside and decided I want this women gone from my thoughts and heal . That was 17 days ago 3 days after I went NC I had a call from a withheld number I didn't answer it I had a feeling it was her but  couldn't be sure. Then 3 days ago I noticed she had unblocked me on what's app but did not respond then the same day she was with my replacement round a mutuel freinds house and Said this in front of my replacement ( tell c**** to stop texting and calling me we are over and the sooner he gets this the better his number is blocked and staying that way !) she said this knowing it would get back to me to bait me into texting her and react but I didn't do so . Then tonite at 1.30 am I got a call from withheld number didn't answer it then 10 mins later another call ignored it then 15 mins later a text from her ! I should of deleted it without reading it so I in a way broke NC it was a text her blaming me for 2 of her ex freinds that are now her enemies that are after her for ther own reasons went to her house and picked a fight with her and she said in the text it wast fault ?  What the heck how she can blame me is unreal and CRAZY but then I thought again just to bait me into a reply I ignored it 10 mins later another asking why I had not replied and it's my fault ! Again I ignored it . Then an hour passed and another call again I ignored it then straight away 3 calls in a row all ignored then she gave up so I thought ! And hour passed and got a text that said this ( don't ignore me you coward ! ) so again i ignored it t

Ten mins later got a final text that said ( sorry I just thought you should know they started on me ) talk about crazy making ! I'm still abit conffused at that desperate attempt of contact that went on till 4 am in the morning ! Can only assume my replacement was asleep and the fact I had no idea what she was talking about regarding her ex freinds and how she could try to blame me for it is unreal ! It appears she made up such crazy accusations just to get me to reply is this normal for pwBPD ? 

[Splitblack4good]

My ex BPD gf were in LC for 2 months after the break up a few texts and out the blue calls  mostly hate and projection from her then a little bit of shame and regret from her after being with my replacement for 6 weeks it's funny she went from rubbing my replacement in my face after the break up to them slowly then ring me out the blue Xmas eve and tell me that she wants to get on with me and no hard feelings started crying after wishing me a merry Xmas then silence for 2 weeks after she ignored my text Xmas day so I went NC then I got a call from a withheld number during the day so I answered it was her ! She was blaming me for some drama that's happened since we split up but calmly told her I do not wish to know or take blame for her falling out with all her freinds ( she fell out with them all one by one over different reasons mostly her being her and not taking responsibility for her actions ) then told me she didn't want to be freinds with me and can't forgive me for the break up and to leave her alone so I left her alone and went NC again please bear in mind when I say NC I don't mean to heal etc as I wanted to stay in contact as I hadn't detatched yet but was goin along with what she wanted and that was to leave her alone . A week passes and I found out she cheated on me whe still together that hurt big time but at first I thought better of it to text her and tell her I know and how hurt this has made me so I left it as thought what's the point if she replys she will deny it and get more hateful things hurled at me and even more lies . I held it in for a week but I was so angry at her and really hurt for the first time since the break up I text her telling her I know she cheated and that she is never to contact me or come near me again ! At first she denied it and got hateful stuff said as predicted then I worded my reply and the facts and truths about the circumstances that she cheated I got no reply then an hour later she sent this ( you all win ok I am alone now good bye ) I'm assuming the shame and guilt at that point was to much I didn't reply and since then I went NC to heal and focus on me as cheating was the one thing that killed me inside and decided I want this women gone from my thoughts and heal . That was 17 days ago 3 days after I went NC I had a call from a withheld number I didn't answer it I had a feeling it was her but  couldn't be sure. Then 3 days ago I noticed she had unblocked me on what's app but did not respond then the same day she was with my replacement round a mutuel freinds house and Said this in front of my replacement ( tell c**** to stop texting and calling me we are over and the sooner he gets this the better his number is blocked and staying that way !) she said this knowing it would get back to me to bait me into texting her and react but I didn't do so . Then tonite at 1.30 am I got a call from withheld number didn't answer it then 10 mins later another call ignored it then 15 mins later a text from her ! I should of deleted it without reading it so I in a way broke NC it was a text her blaming me for 2 of her ex freinds that are now her enemies that are after her for ther own reasons went to her house and picked a fight with her and she said in the text it wast fault ?  What the heck how she can blame me is unreal and CRAZY but then I thought again just to bait me into a reply I ignored it 10 mins later another asking why I had not replied and it's my fault ! Again I ignored it . Then an hour passed and another call again I ignored it then straight away 3 calls in a row all ignored then she gave up so I thought ! And hour passed and got a text that said this ( don't ignore me you coward ! ) so again i ignored it t

Ten mins later got a final text that said ( sorry I just thought you should know they started on me ) talk about crazy making ! I'm still abit conffused at that desperate attempt of contact that went on till 4 am in the morning ! Can only assume my replacement was asleep and the fact I had no idea what she was talking about regarding her ex freinds and how she could try to blame me for it is unreal ! It appears she made up such crazy accusations just to get me to reply is this normal for pwBPD ? 

Sorry I posted this reply on the wrong post my mistake and didn't wish to hi jack

[paperlung]

Well, she text messaged me again last night. Telling me more about the YouTube. Then went into super small talk about how her dad wouldn't drive her to get groceries at 9 PM so she had to take a cab. She also mentioned that she made an appointment at a mental health clinic. I said, "Just so you can get clonazepam?" because that is what she told me when I saw her. That she didn't need treatment, and if she did go, it would be just so she could get the medication from a psych because her regular doctor wouldn't give it out. She said no and that she wants on-going therapy. So... .yeah, we'll see. Guess I'm LC with her again.