Unenmeshing: hard work, but totally worth it

[Mustbeabetterway]

My last post was "Leaving for my S/O or Staying for Myself?".  It felt so good just to get all of those thoughts and feelings out in the open.  Like many of you I kept most of the craziness that was going on in my R/S secret.  Finally telling a few trusted people was such a relief.  Thanks to those who offered advice and encouragement.

Just to recap - After a months separation, last weekend I went back home and am living in a separate part of the house.  We have started M/C. 

I wanted to share some success I have had in untangling myself from the control of my uBPDh.  During the separation, and in my own personal T, I have come to realize how I let myself be controlled.  Yes, i now see that I allowed it.

I made my own plans for the week and followed through with them.  Probably sounds easy to those not in a r/s with pwBPD.  I went to yoga class one evening after work.  On a hike with my friend one afternoon and even invited her to stay for dinner.  These sound simple, but breaking big unwritten r/s rules.  The rules:  not inviting anyone over unless he agrees and knows waaaaay ahead of time.  Yoga prevented me from going to bed early - another big rule.

Throughout the week, my h has been incredulous.  He keeps saying I can't believe you are just doing your own thing.  I can't believe it either, but it feels great!

Last night I babysat our grand daughter and even spent the night.  Invited my H to join me, but he wouldn't.  So I went and had the best time visiting with her.    Such joy to spend time with toddler who is changing so fast. 

None of the things i am doing for myself are harmful to him.  I am living my own life instead of giving in to all the unreasonable demands of my H.

We may stay married, or we may not.  Each day is a gift and I don't intend to waste them.

I knew there was a better way... .

[BestVersionOfMe]

My last post was "Leaving for my S/O or Staying for Myself?".  It felt so good just to get all of those thoughts and feelings out in the open.  Like many of you I kept most of the craziness that was going on in my R/S secret.  Finally telling a few trusted people was such a relief.  Thanks to those who offered advice and encouragement.

Just to recap - After a months separation, last weekend I went back home and am living in a separate part of the house.  We have started M/C. 

I wanted to share some success I have had in untangling myself from the control of my uBPDh.  During the separation, and in my own personal T, I have come to realize how I let myself be controlled.  Yes, i now see that I allowed it.

I made my own plans for the week and followed through with them.  Probably sounds easy to those not in a r/s with pwBPD.  I went to yoga class one evening after work.  On a hike with my friend one afternoon and even invited her to stay for dinner.  These sound simple, but breaking big unwritten r/s rules.  The rules:  not inviting anyone over unless he agrees and knows waaaaay ahead of time.  Yoga prevented me from going to bed early - another big rule.

Throughout the week, my h has been incredulous.  He keeps saying I can't believe you are just doing your own thing.  I can't believe it either, but it feels great!

Last night I babysat our grand daughter and even spent the night.  Invited my H to join me, but he wouldn't.  So I went and had the best time visiting with her.    Such joy to spend time with toddler who is changing so fast. 

None of the things i am doing for myself are harmful to him.  I am living my own life instead of giving in to all the unreasonable demands of my H.

We may stay married, or we may not.  Each day is a gift and I don't intend to waste them.

I knew there was a better way... .

I'm so happy for you, that is wonderful news.  Not so much about him, just the fact that you are finally taking responsibility for your own happiness.  I have yet to do that.  I've dabbled in it, but never long term as I'd always let her steamroll me with unreasonable demands or rules.  For example if I text her and say I'm meeting a buddy for coffee at night her standard response is, "Next time if you could just let know the night before... ."  It's all bull___.  She doesn't care about me having coffee with a friend, it was about control.  When she left last night she sent me a text saying, "When you go home I'd expect some consideration on your part.  I spent 3 hours cleaning half the house and I expect it to stay that way when I return."  When I get texts like that I want to tell her to eff off.  This time I said, "Thanks for cleaning, I really appreciate it."  I ignored the unreasonable demand, and frankly one that is silly because I don't ever let the kids destroy the house.  It is so hard for me to discern between times where she needs validation and where I just need to ignore her, or when I need to set a boundary.  How do I set a boundary to that?  I know the truth.  I know I keep the house tidy.  I know the truth so I guess next time I could probably just not respond at all.  Work in progress... .

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Bestversion... .

I read your other post and so much of what you described I have been through.  None of it is any fun.  I am sorry you and your kids are going through it.

You are gaining clarity and coming out of the FOG.  Congratulations on that.  I am making baby steps.  Feels so good! 

I am on my way into church.  I will say a prayer for you and family.

Hang in there.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Hi Bestversion... .

I read your other post and so much of what you described I have been through.  None of it is any fun.  I am sorry you and your kids are going through it.

You are gaining clarity and coming out of the FOG.  Congratulations on that.  I am making baby steps.  Feels so good! 

I am on my way into church.  I will say a prayer for you and family.

Hang in there.

I appreciate that, prayers to you as well.  I was listening to my book "I hate you but don't leave me" and it is so helpful in dealing with this.  I understand why she behaves the way she does and about how my role in the relationship can help diffuse a lot of the fears, paranoia, and triggers.  For example, she asked me if I could pick up our daughter at 230 today since she has a doc appt.  In the past I was kind of careless on remembering things and at the time I didn't think it was a big deal.  In retrospect, each time I forgot to pick something up, or forgot an event we had, it was causing the trust to deteriorate.  I help calm her paranoia by not only confirming to pick our daughter up at a certain time, but also that I've set the appropriate alarms on my phone just to make sure.  In another hour and one half, I'll send another text confirming that I'm leaving for the pick up again.  This creates a "constancy" that she needs so much in a world to her that is totally unreliable and untrustworthy.  I have a lot to learn but it sure makes communication a different ball of wax.  The great part is, she is so thrilled at the confirmation.  You'd think I'd bought her a new car.  When you get in the paranoid mind of a borderline you can make small adjustments that greatly reduce their anxiety.  Before I learned about all of this I did all the wrong things.  I invalidated all of her anxiety, feelings, and paranoia, and instead tried to please her impossible demands.  That is all changing now.