Making some changes

[Verbena]

My husband does not meet the criteria of BPD, but I found these boards because of our DD29 who is BPD.  Still, I see situations on this board that sound familiar to me regarding my husband.

For over twenty years, my H has done the installations for my decorating business.  He is very slow, but he does a good job.  Last week, he installed the last window treatment for me.  I made up my mind that I am not dealing with this anymore. 


My H is a huge complainer about absolutely everything, negative and miserable to the core.  Strangely, he has never complained about having to help me with installations. However, he seeths with anger at me the entire time we are there.  If the client is home at the time and close by, he switches to his pleasant/normal mode with them.  When they walk out of the room, he switches back to the nasty/hateful mode with me. 

He was up on a ladder holding up a valance I did for one of my clients last week, asking me if it was centered.  I told him it looked good just like that, all the way up to the crown molding and that yes, it was centered.  He then proceeded to argue with me about it because the ceiling line was not straight and that he had to make an adjustment for that.  I just repeated that it looked good.   

I cannot really explain his face as he looked at me when I told him that it was fine the way it was.  His eyes were almost flashing and he was clenching his teeth as he spoke to me as if he was attempting to keep his voice lower.  It reminded me of a  wild animal.   

A few minutes after he finished installing it, the homeowner walked up and began gushing about how beautiful it was.  She kept saying over and over how elegant it looked, and my H (in his nice/normal voice he uses for other people) agreed wholeheartedly with her.  Yet, he will not pay me on compliment on anything I design/make/do for other people--EVER. 

So, I am done with involving my H in this business ever again. I have found an installer for future jobs.  I have already in recent months stopped discussing any plans I have going for projects for other people.  I began doing this back in October when I told him I was having a buffet delivered to the house so I could paint it for a client.  HIs response was one of complete disgust and aggravation. 

"So now you're going to start painting furniture for people?  I don't see this going well!"  Well of course he doesn't.  He never has anything positive to say about any idea I ever have.  Then he turned away in anger and that conversation was over. 

The furniture painting aspect of my business has actually gone really well.  I've made money at it, and I enjoy it.  I paint in the garage.  It's out of his way.  He's not inconvenienced by it.  He doesn't have to install anything.  Yet, he still is so angry at me in general, and especially during  installations. 

So I'm done with it.  I cannot change his miserable, negative nature or figure out why he chooses to be so angry about virtually everything.  This is something I DO have control over.  I do not have to put up with his attitude in clients' homes or walk on eggshells  hoping the client doesn't notice how he acts toward me. 


I am not going to waste my time trying to explain to him why I feel the need to get someone else to help me.   I told him a few months back exactly how I perceived his behavior during these situations and tried to get him to explain to me why it has to be this way.

He had no comment at all.  He refused to discuss it.  And he obviously refuses to change it.  He has never, and will never, admit there is anything wrong with how he acts even though I have told him that other people are aware of it and have commented to me about it many times over the years--because they certainly have. 

It is going to infuriate him that I no longer want his help, but he's always mad about something anyway.  This will just be one more thing. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I think that's a good choice, Verbena. It must be very uncomfortable to think that your husband's disrespectful behavior might be observed by a client while you're working in their home.

I don't know what to say about your husband's anger and disrespect, but it's good you're drawing a boundary there.

My husband is often angry about a variety of things: not getting a return phone call in a timely fashion from a professional office, the state of the world, the lack of rain here in California, feeling unappreciated by his friends. It's like anger is becoming his favorite emotion. It's really unpleasant to be around and by choosing to extract myself from the negativity he generates, he's angry at me for not spending as much time with him. 

I wish you well with the change you're making in your business and also that your husband would speak with you about his distress. Is he like that at home too?

[Verbena]

Cat Familiar,

Yes, my husband is an angry person in general and is DEFINITELY this way at home.  He changes his demeanor around others when necessary, yet many people have seen what I see.  I have told him this and he has no response to it. Or he says he has no idea what I'm talking about  Or he just storms off.   

I can understand your husband's anger over the state of the world because it's a huge mess and very concerning.  This is why I no longer discuss current events with my husband.   He gets loud and fired up and even more angry when I do.  If I want to discuss a positive or neutral topic, he has nothing to say at all (ignores me completely) or gives one-word responses. 

Part of my husband's anger may be that I want nothing to do with him, that we have no physical relationship whatsoever, but he behaves no differently than when we did spend time together and sleep in the same bed.  He cannot see the connection between how he acts and my reaction and pulling away from him.  In his mind, he has done nothing wrong.  Nothing could possibly be his fault.  He refuses to discuss any of our issues with me.