Broke NC after 3 months

[bunnyrabit]

We broke up about 3 months ago. Well we didn't actually break up, I just changed my number and went NC without any further explanation when she called me to say that she spent yet another night with her ___ buddy (It's only her ___ buddy because he doesn't want to go steady with her, she admitted that she has feelings for him) and casually say she was going to keep on doing  just that (like What the heck? Seriously... .).

I guess the not properly breaking up part is what attributed to me breaking NC. I was having a bit of a meltdown last week and the urge to contact her was getting stronger and stronger. I was trying to cope by abusing alcohol almost all week but of course before I knew it I was dialing her number with my drunken head. We talked a bit and it was rather amically as I was having a good drunk. Few days later I went out all night in her city. As morning came I missed my companion, my partner in crime, my best friend, my lover. So I called her and asked her to meet up. She agreed and few hours later we were sitting together. I was glad to see her but not long after we met she was calling with said ___ budddy to meet up later that day. I could feel the good 'ol knot in my stomach as she was, once again, gonna bail on me for that stupid guy. When it was about time for her to leave the my mood changed and I got angry with her. I was telling her how much I hated her for what she did to me, that I hoped karma would catch up to her etc... .and then finally to just go away and leave me alone. It was either that or let her once again see the disappointment and pain in my eyes and getting a "I'm so sorry look" in return but then leaving for her ___ buddy anyway. I'm just so tired of that routine, I couldn't bring myself doing it again. She left and I made my way home as I hadn't slept yet and was still quite drunk. Upon arriving home I missed her, called her and begged her to come over... .*le sigh... .* Of course she said no, as she was with ___ buddy and I just went to bed.

Next day, I was still feeling kinda sad and also emberassed for the begging and such. But I figured, well this could have ended much worse, we could have had sex, I could have stayed with her for days,... .Heck, this could have ended in a full blown recycle! So I realized I dodged a bullet and told myself to man up and get a grip. But now she has my number... .

Stayed NC for a few days but sure enough she texts me few days later asking me to call her.

Here's my reply:

"I'm sorry BPDex, I was drinking way too much last week and I shouldn't have called you or met up with you in such a state. I think it's better we should not have any contact anymore as it only leads to us arguing. You're having someone else and I'll be ok without you eventually. So if you really care about me you'll delete my number again."

Her reply:

"But I still want to see you. I love you and we should have just met sober"

My reply:

"We gave us enough chances already and everytime it goes south. You chose for someone else and now you should bare the consequences of your choice. If you love someone, that person is the number 1 priority ALWAYS, at least that's how it is for me. Clearly that's not what I am to you. And if you can love multiple people at once, then that's great for you but I can't do that and I expect the same from my partner. I love you too but I have to let you go simply because we're not a good match. And to break that bond I need to cut all contact. So not to punish you, not because I hate you but because you can't give me what I desire from you. We can stay friends later but let me build a new life without you first."

Why does she keep doing this to me? Normally when the person you love says I love you it's supposed to be the happiest moment in your life, right? RIGHT?

Not so with a BPD, when a BPD says 'I love you' you better run for the hills as if your life were depending on it! How on earth is this even possible... .?

Any advice on how to further handle this debacle? I'm determined to further detach as her I love you's don't interest me anymore, she can shove her I love you's. To her I love you means I will open you up, pull out your heart with my bare hands and eat it raw. And besides I can smell my freedom right around the corner and I'm craving it. To be the independent, happy go lucky bachelor that I used to be before I met her. I don't need this unhealthy co-dependent tripe that is a relationship. And I don't feel I'm back at square one, I already have a solid 3 month NC under my belt and I'm feeling A LOT stronger as 3 months ago but I'm not fully detached yet and still at risk to get hurt. I was actually thinking about letting her have an occasional text but I guess that's playing with fire. Maybe best now to block her again and remain NC until fully detached.

Wish me luck!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I too like a drink but in this situation the relief it offers is only short lasting.  You wake up feeling depressed, sick and numb and determined to quit the booze.  And then in the evening you are once again gulping at the poison.  And then the drunk texting.  And then the further complications.

This cycle needs breaking otherwise you won't begin to process the grief.  Without processing the grief you cannot move on.  Without moving on you will be trapped in this sad and desperate triangle.  

Decide on something to occupy your evenings and keep you alcohol free.  For me I started a mindfulness mediation course and this really helped.  :)elete her number from your phone and delete all her emails.  Forget about dating others for a while.  Look within and face the important questions.  You will get there and life will improve.

Best of luck mate.  We have been there. It is cruel we have to suffer like this.  Perhaps it is necessary for our healing.

[bunnyrabit]

I too like a drink but in this situation the relief it offers is only short lasting.  You wake up feeling depressed, sick and numb and determined to quit the booze.  And then in the evening you are once again gulping at the poison.  And then the drunk texting.  And then the further complications.

This cycle needs breaking otherwise you won't begin to process the grief.  Without processing the grief you cannot move on.  Without moving on you will be trapped in this sad and desperate triangle.  

Decide on something to occupy your evenings and keep you alcohol free.  For me I started a mindfulness mediation course and this really helped.  :)elete her number from your phone and delete all her emails.  Forget about dating others for a while.  Look within and face the important questions.  You will get there and life will improve.

Best of luck mate.  We have been there. It is cruel we have to suffer like this.  Perhaps it is necessary for our healing.

Thank you for the support, it's much appreciated! You're right alcohol sure isn't the answer, it doesn't even give me any relief anymore. In fact it makes me even more anxious and desperate as it seems to amplify the feelings I already have... .but, I guess old habits die hard. I haven't touched a drop the whole week and don't even feel like it, so that's good.

I'm actually an avid computer programmer so I already do have a passion and that's exactly what I'm filling my evenings with now. I have a project I've been working on for a long time and it's finally starting to come together, so I'm kinda excited about that! Just this past week I couldn't focus on it, like something was bothering me or eating at me. I really think it's because I left without properly breaking up, I seem to feel much more relieved now after talking it through a bit with her, strange... .

And yeah, I guess I should be blocking her again... .I know she's not going to respect my demands and bounderies because after all she "loves me"... .yeah right... .It feels a bit harsh to do because I really do care for her but I explained her my reasons the best I could so she should be able to understand. And foremost I truly feel like I'm getting out of this slump, I can almost taste it, so I can't give up now!

[22years]

The attraction can be incredible, but the hatred/rage/turmoil later is also incredible. Even a hedonist wouldnt knowingly get involved with a PBD bc in the end the suffering outweighs the pleasure. Get out. Find someone with normal thinking. Dont let sexual attraction/flattery dictate your decision