All bridges are burned now. Big realisations for life.

[misty_red]

My exBPDgf finally left our team group-chat. Yay.

For all of you who don’t know my story: we were in the same sports team. After the final discard we were in that team for still a month, then she decided to leave the team. She still remained in the group-chat in WhatsApp which pissed me off big time. She never wrote anything, there was no use to stay in there because in the end she hated the team. Now after four month she finally left.

I have to admit yesterday was a weird day for me. In my country we celebrate carnival big time and yesterday was the special day you go out and with a carnival parade and stuff. This day last year I got together with my exBPDgf. Our team was out at the parade and we were in the city partying on our own. We actually were bad mouthing the others by that time (the things you do when you like someone… so stupid). This year I went with the team and it was great.

This day is also special in some way for me because even after we were broken up but still friends she told me I should come visit her in the new town (she planned to move to another city due to a new job… but actually never left my town) and we would then celebrate carnival there. The city is like the biggest carnival city in my country. So I was reminded of both, reminded of my exBPDgf.

And right this morning, right after she woke up and saw all of the pics from us dressed up and having fun she deleted the group and left. It must’ve triggered her. I guess that’s really the reason why they avoid contact with us.

But I’m glad she’s out now. I always felt that that was the last and final straw which kept me attached and stopped me from detaching. It’s also good she’s out so I don’t have her number anymore.

I still am kinda sad, of course. But I really realized how mentally ill she is.

Last week I wrote her a letter (I posted about this here). My grandfather had just died and when he was sick last year she was the only one I told and being there for me. So I wrote her that he had just died and also that I wanted to say my last words to her, that I miss the friendship, I also apologized. I didn’t regret sending the letter. Yes, many say you should stay no contact, you shouldn’t apologize because they then feel superior or whatever. But that wasn’t the right way for me. I felt like I needed to do it because I also made mistakes and her BPD doesn’t justify my mistakes in any way, I just needed to tell the truth, to get it out, why should I fake something I’m not? I’m not them.

Lots of times when we are hurt the most part of it is our ego. And with that letter I surrendered my ego. Because I’m able to bear up against that pain. I’m able to bear up against abandonment and hate. She isn‘t but I am so I will. They say „Surrender your ego. Be free.“ So, yeah. Any way, what really made me realise her mentall illness is the fact that she wasn’t even able to express condolences. This doesn’t have anything to do with being able to emphasize but with manners. It’s not that I really expected her to respond anyway and I’m not hurt or sad because she didn’t. But this lack of manners made me realise how mentally ill she really is. If you’re not even able to do something like that… well. Even if she didn’t want any concact she could’ve just written something like „My condolences. Thank you, I wish you well for your life as well.“ to make clear that no further contact was desired. But it really helped me to understand her inability. I needed to „see it“ for myself.

And now I’m looking forward to detach fully. It’ll still take a while, I know that. Deep down I still miss her. At least as a friend, not a partner. I would be lying if I told you differently. Many poeple say you should get active, get out, meet new people but I sometimes feel like first it’s better to go through all of the pain. To acknowledge the pain, to understand why it is there. Yes, sometimes even to dwell in it. At least that’s what works best for me. It doesn’t mean that you take the situation as your fate. No. You take it as it is. But you have to acknowledge your feelings because they are real. Andi f you’re hurt you’re hurt. And if you still miss them you miss them.

Only now I realized that I’m able to love. I always was so afraid of not being able to do so. I had a weird and crazy upbringing myself, my sister is BPD, I’m an asperger and sometimes afraid I might have some traits of BPD and NPD but this crazy relationship and friendship taught me something: that even if there were traits I would be able to do the exact opposite of the things I wanted to do on impulse.And I don’t say this to talk my exBPDgf down in a narcissistic way. I really am glad I’m able to do all of these things my exBPDgf can’t. It must be hell. When even the anxiety and the fear of not being able to love feels so strong (I’ve suffered from this all of my life).

The thing that drew me to her in the beginning was that in some ways we really were similar. It wasn’t the mirroring. What I didn’t know by that time was that in our actions and the way we handled things we were very different. I always thought she could „become“ like me. That sounds very narcissistic. I mean: if I was able to overcome bad impulses, ego etc. she would be able to as well. That happens when you project your character onto others, I know. But damn, I’m suffering from a developmental disorder and still am able to work on myself. Whenever we talked about her behaviour she didn’t even try to do anything against it. Like she settled for it in a negative way.

I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life due to my behaviour. Not on purpose, but on impulse or because I couldn’t emphasize enough or something. And I know aspergers isn’t BPD or vice versa but their problems both happen due to damage/imbalance in the same brain area. That’s why sometimes BPD, NPD and other personality disorders look similar to autistic spectrum disorders, AD(H)D and is also the reason many get a „wrong“ diagnosis. But at the end of the day it isn’t even about the diagnosis but the way you handle your illness. You still are responsible in some way.

All of my life the primar emotion I’d feel was anxiety, fear for/of life. I’ve got traits of BPD/NPD myself as I said before. I guess you could call them hermit-traits but I’m fully aware of it. I see the big picture. And this relationship really helped me to do so. I feel like ego can turn into a b*tch if you’re not careful enough. You should always keep an eye on it. If you’re able to then be happy. I think it’s a gift.

We are better than our ego.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm glad that last bridge is finally burned for you, misty_red! 

And now I’m looking forward to detach fully. It’ll still take a while, I know that. Deep down I still miss her. At least as a friend, not a partner. I would be lying if I told you differently. Many poeple say you should get active, get out, meet new people but I sometimes feel like first it’s better to go through all of the pain. To acknowledge the pain, to understand why it is there. Yes, sometimes even to dwell in it. At least that’s what works best for me. It doesn’t mean that you take the situation as your fate. No. You take it as it is. But you have to acknowledge your feelings because they are real. Andi f you’re hurt you’re hurt. And if you still miss them you miss them.

There is so much wisdom and truth in this. Thank you.

Only now I realized that I’m able to love. I always was so afraid of not being able to do so.

   This is so beautiful. I'm so glad you've come to this realization.

I had a weird and crazy upbringing myself, my sister is BPD, I’m an asperger and sometimes afraid I might have some traits of BPD and NPD but this crazy relationship and friendship taught me something: that even if there were traits I would be able to do the exact opposite of the things I wanted to do on impulse.

Another awesome realization!

Philosopher Harry Frankfurt (who is just amazing and I encourage everyone to read his works) describes a concept of "higher-order volition." People are essentially characterized by their freedom to control their momentary desires. The "first-order desire" is the impulse, and the "second-order desire" is wanting to want or not want that momentary desire. The higher-order desires (essentially, our desires about our desires/impulses) are guided by long-term convictions and reasoning. People who are ruled only by their momentary impulses lack autonomy.

Psychiatrist Thomas Fuchs notes that borderlines are generally ruled by their first-order desires, and therefore lack autonomy; he describes it as a "fragmentation of the narrative self" (I highly recommend reading this post and article).

You, on the other hand, are an autonomous person with a stable sense of self. You're not only intelligent (borderlines can certainly be very intelligent, but behave "stupidly" because of a lack of impulse/emotion control) - you are also capable of making choices based on your higher-order volition.

And I don’t say this to talk my exBPDgf down in a narcissistic way. I really am glad I’m able to do all of these things my exBPDgf can’t. It must be hell. When even the anxiety and the fear of not being able to love feels so strong (I’ve suffered from this all of my life).

I always thought she could „become“ like me. That sounds very narcissistic. I mean: if I was able to overcome bad impulses, ego etc. she would be able to as well. That happens when you project your character onto others, I know. But damn, I’m suffering from a developmental disorder and still am able to work on myself. Whenever we talked about her behaviour she didn’t even try to do anything against it. Like she settled for it in a negative way.

That is a reasonable expectation to have of a relationship partner. And that's usually when it all starts to fall apart -- when the "non" keeps pushing the borderline to, basically, be an adult... .to become their own individual healthy person. The "non" gets very confused and frustrated about the borderline's inability to do so, and the borderline realizes that their mirroring of their partner's projections is no longer working.

So the borderline discards that self as worthless. Kicks their partner off the pedestal. The "non" realizes that their projections (their own "false self" are no longer working... .their armor and weapons have been stripped from them. Not only that, but those projections and "false self" have been deemed worthless and thrown away by the one person who is most important to the "non." This is devastating.

What you realize about yourself is the beautiful truth that you do have a strong inner self, with your own values and convictions and needs and worth.

But at the end of the day it isn’t even about the diagnosis but the way you handle your illness. You still are responsible in some way.

This is absolute truth.

I see the big picture. And this relationship really helped me to do so. I feel like ego can turn into a b*tch if you’re not careful enough. You should always keep an eye on it. If you’re able to then be happy. I think it’s a gift.

We are better than our ego.

   

Thank you so much for sharing this, misty_red.

It's very inspiring to see that you've come to this place with yourself.