Hello all!
I'm writing this with a glass of wine dealing with a wife who is going through an episode right now. I don't know anyone here, I've never been to this website, but I thought I'd reach out for some help.
Been together with my wife for 6 years now (from beginning to now), and she's had some BAD BPD episodes. We didn't know it was BPD until two months ago, at which point she is now seeing a psychologist. I love her to death, but i've been distancing myself more and more from her. I now have learned how not to walk on egg shells (LOVE the book) but I'm so lost and hurt. I went today to the doctor's to try and find some anxiety meds, but it's tough because I bury my sorrows by being a functional alcoholic.
We've had so many fights before but today (right now), i'm doing everything by the book. The consequence: me. I'm financially successful (i'm in my mid twenties and so is my wife). She however, isn't. If I left her, her family would shame her, and she'd feel even more insecure than she does now. She'd probably move back into her parents... .
A divorce is a last resort. We'd have epic problems separating assets, just like every couple. At least, we don't have kids. I'm not suicidal, but I'm truly depressed. I've reached out to many psychologists and they give great tips so I understand BPD and how to deal with myself but it doesn't help.
I've known my wife my entire adult life. I owe her many opportunities that allowed me to be successful. I travel >150 nights of the year which doesn't help. I love her, and I want to continue to care for her, but I'm so drained. I have no desire for intimate moments, (she also has chronic pain as I do which doesn't help), and I'm scared all the time. If a dog bites treat X and gets hit every time, the dog will stop trying to bite treat X. I'm the dog.
I've only ever done long term relationships. I've never had a fling. I've only been with 2 women in my life. I like to think that i'm a good person, and I made commitments and vows. But I feel no happiness.
So there Mr/Mrs internet, i've thrown this out there. It's made me feel a bit better, but tonight as she sleeps in our marital bed, I'll choose to drink my sorrows away and sleep on the couch. The world thinks i'm so successful, my colleagues are proud of me, but inside, I'm broken. I've never been unfaithful. Never chatted up a woman, never had an affair nor go to a strip club. Yeah, i'm so exciting to be around right?
I hope no one flames me as this is a post of commiseration. I hope that people here can provide some opinions/feedback. I'm 90% sure i'm not leaving the marriage, but that's out of obligation and moral ethics. I've tried so many times to try to be happy, but as someone who is depressed (varying degrees) it doesn't help that my SO has BPD and is also depressed.
Our success is on our mid twenties is something our friends are jealous of. Yet inside, I am jealous of them. Is asking to be happy too much in life? Sigh.
