Today I wake up with a pit in my stomach that I somehow know will be there all day. It's her Birthday. We've been split up for 2.5 weeks two weeks NC. I know I shouldn't even consider it but I get this guilty feeling about not wishing her a happy birthday. I know I can't break NC but I was always made to feel guilty in the past if a holiday went by when we were split up and I "didn't even bother to wish her a happy Easter... .Ect ect". I should be angry and disgusted at the way she posted pics of her with new beau on valentines day so why should I even care what she thinks? If I truly want this over then it shouldn't matter; and ... .what if she doesn't respond, that would hurt too because deep down inside part of me wants to believe that she wants me back and that her love was true. I considered a card, then maybe a text but my T said as harsh as it seems, I'm better of just avoiding it. It truly does sicken me that I am worried about her feelings about this. She will tell everybody that this is proof, I never really loved her... .and she will justify her actions for the same reason. Why can't I just hate her for treating me badly?
I truly know how you feel in this moment. It is mental torture and quite human. I would have to agree with your therapist though, if you are committed to taking care of you. She is with someone else, so contact will just be hurtful to you. It's not her birthday anymore... .it's just another day... .Your head knows it. Your heart just is not on that page yet. Also, if you are committed to taking care of you I would suggest celebrating her birthday by: blocking, deleting etc. ALL social media, phone. Text and whatever else there is because it will all be like bullets aimed from a gun at you. It doesn't matter what she says, or might say... .just block that all out and concentrate on little things that can help you get and feel better. Reach out for support everywhere that you can. You have a T, that is a great start! Friends, family, self-help groups and even volunteering can take your mind away from this person and back to you.
Just try to be patient and forgiving to you and move forward. Small steps are better in the long run anyway.
