Why is my ex SO still so beguiling after repeated breakups?

[Heshie]

This is Heshie, back after a hiatus.  I managed to stay away from my ex for several months. Then she called with a problem, and I got hooked in for a short time. I decided to go n/c. So far it's been almost a month and a half.

A lot of the pain is subsiding. I had gone through five tough times before, but each of them had me going back, apologizing, and walking on eggs.  And feeling a bit 'insane.' What was I doing to myself?  The attachment was there, but what type of attachment was it?

Now I'm much clearer. I'm not really over it so that it's a just a memory. There is still the tug. I record my feelings about things every day, and I can see from my diary that the feelings are diminishing.

What is most curious is that the memories are all about me helping my ex, and very little about my ex being particularly interested in me. I am what I have been called a 'co-dependent.'  I got my positive feelings out of helping.

To make a long story short, and to cut to the change, I am recovering. I am sad that it happened this way. And yet I really don't know what exactly happened. I never did any of the things that my ex blamed me for. Yet I feel guilty for being blamed!

[drummerboy]

They do seem to be insanely jealous. My ex had a dream that I was screwing a mutual friend of ours and then later this dream became a fact in her head. She was truly convinced that I had in fact slept with the mutual friend.

[Heshie]

Thank you for that. My ex was absolutely convinced of each of my 'infidelities.' The accusations started out as a taunt, but took on a sense of reality as my ex moved from taunting with a wry smile to angry, to more pointe accusations, and then to rage. The rage was not the rage of anger that I normally experience, but seemed to emanate from 'inside,' from a place I had never been, and hope never to be.  And at the end of the fury I myself was convinced somewhat that I had 'trespassed' and 'cheated,' although I could not see how.  Every action was interpreted by my ex as pointing to infidelity. 

After a bunch of these rages I find broke. As painful as it is, I cannot go back to that rage, that fury.  It's too much for me. And I have a great tolerance for the anger of others. But not for misplaced rage.  I broke.  Yes.  I broke. Even writing those words makes me shudder in disbelief.  What planet was I on?  What altered reality was I in?  And most of all WHO was this person?

[drummerboy]

Its called "gas lighting" where they end up having us believe that we are the ones that are crazy. It is perhaps the most insidious behaviour of a pwBPD.

Thank you for that. My ex was absolutely convinced of each of my 'infidelities.' The accusations started out as a taunt, but took on a sense of reality as my ex moved from taunting with a wry smile to angry, to more pointe accusations, and then to rage. The rage was not the rage of anger that I normally experience, but seemed to emanate from 'inside,' from a place I had never been, and hope never to be.  And at the end of the fury I myself was convinced somewhat that I had 'trespassed' and 'cheated,' although I could not see how.  Every action was interpreted by my ex as pointing to infidelity. 

After a bunch of these rages I find broke. As painful as it is, I cannot go back to that rage, that fury.  It's too much for me. And I have a great tolerance for the anger of others. But not for misplaced rage.  I broke.  Yes.  I broke. Even writing those words makes me shudder in disbelief.  What planet was I on?  What altered reality was I in?  And most of all WHO was this person?

[blissful_camper]

Good for you! Stay on the healing course, you're on a healthy path.

"What is most curious is that the memories are all about me helping my ex, and very little about my ex being particularly interested in me."

It may be that a pwBPD appears interested during idealization (length varies) but because they are so focused on themselves, their needs and getting those needs met, they haven't the energy or "interest" to focus too deeply on anyone else.  The interest is superficial.  Getting to know someone on a deeper level may trigger closeness and abandonment/engulfment fears.  We get to know them pretty well but not the other way around. Just a thought... .

[HappyNihilist]

  Welcome back, Heshie. I'm sorry you've had such a rollercoaster relationship, but I'm glad you're recovering.

Now I'm much clearer. I'm not really over it so that it's a just a memory. There is still the tug. I record my feelings about things every day, and I can see from my diary that the feelings are diminishing.

It takes a while. These relationships are addictive, and the withdrawal is difficult. Journaling your feelings daily is a great idea. 

What is most curious is that the memories are all about me helping my ex, and very little about my ex being particularly interested in me. I am what I have been called a 'co-dependent.'  I got my positive feelings out of helping.

This is an important realization. 

Where are you going from here with this knowledge? What do you think formed your "helper"/codependent tendencies?