Intro and need advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, i have been in a relationship with my partner who has BPD for almost 5 yrs now.

I really need some help on how to manage my own feelings while trying so very very hard not to trigger her into a fight, meltdown etc.

The mood swings come and go but i never know when something trivial will spiral into a blow up, half the time i dont even know what triggered the blow ups. She has this way of letting everyone know that something has upset her... .slamming the computer closed, storming off, giving everyone single word answers even if she replies at all, or the full on fights. The worst bit for me now is trying to step back and make her take responsibility for herself... .we both see the same therapist separately cos i couldn't deal with the way she reacted after joint sessions. The therapist says that the not taking her blood sugars, not taking her insulin, not taking meds, having (imaginary) injuries or worse hospital stays for chest pains that are psychosomatic are all attempts to get attention and i am to ignore it... .if i go and try to calm her after she has stormed off and is working herself up to chest pains then i am reinforcing that this is an ok way to get attention, i know what she is saying is true, but how do i not go to her when she is in such a state?

we are foster carers for disabled children and i am really concerned that if she has numerous visits to emergency room for her knees, arm, chest that they will deem us unfit to continue to care for the kids due to health... .this has happened once before to us already due to her 'illness's'

Its always when i start feeling that things are going well, we're doing ok, stable etc that she starts having these 'falls' that no one hears or witnesses and it scares me cos she cannot see the pattern.

We've tried talking, ive told her how i feel, a friend has told her that she needs to cut the self sabotage out and for a week or so after he told her this (the night of her latest ER trip for chest pains) she was ok, calm, relaxed told me that as soon as she saw him she realised its self sabotage and that she needs to work on it but now i feel its back.

I never know when to take her aches and pains seriously cos it always occurs when i have something going on... .i have carpel tunnel syndrome that i am seeing the surgeon about in 2 weeks and a stuffed shoulder that i am getting the next round of shots into next week, so this past 2 weeks her elbow is sore, she was diagnosed with tennis elbow, then it was tendinitis, then a wrenched finger... .same symptoms but she tells the docs different things each time but the symptoms at home never change and arent there unless you ask her to help with something.

I feel like a parent to her mostly rather than her partner, if i don't ask about her blood sugars she forgets, psych has said not to ask her and let her take responsibility for herself... .

Sorry not sure which board i should go to in order to ask for help in dealing with the issues that arise from the BPD and how i can support her to sort herself while dealing with the emotional fall out for me. 

Thanks

[celticweirdness]

Hi, i have been in a relationship with my partner who has BPD for almost 5 yrs now.

I really need some help on how to manage my own feelings while trying so very very hard not to trigger her into a fight, meltdown etc.

The mood swings come and go but i never know when something trivial will spiral into a blow up, half the time i dont even know what triggered the blow ups. She has this way of letting everyone know that something has upset her... .slamming the computer closed, storming off, giving everyone single word answers even if she replies at all, or the full on fights. The worst bit for me now is trying to step back and make her take responsibility for herself... .we both see the same therapist separately cos i couldn't deal with the way she reacted after joint sessions. The therapist says that the not taking her blood sugars, not taking her insulin, not taking meds, having (imaginary) injuries or worse hospital stays for chest pains that are psychosomatic are all attempts to get attention and i am to ignore it... .if i go and try to calm her after she has stormed off and is working herself up to chest pains then i am reinforcing that this is an ok way to get attention, i know what she is saying is true, but how do i not go to her when she is in such a state?

we are foster carers for disabled children and i am really concerned that if she has numerous visits to emergency room for her knees, arm, chest that they will deem us unfit to continue to care for the kids due to health... .this has happened once before to us already due to her 'illness's'

Its always when i start feeling that things are going well, we're doing ok, stable etc that she starts having these 'falls' that no one hears or witnesses and it scares me cos she cannot see the pattern.

We've tried talking, ive told her how i feel, a friend has told her that she needs to cut the self sabotage out and for a week or so after he told her this (the night of her latest ER trip for chest pains) she was ok, calm, relaxed told me that as soon as she saw him she realised its self sabotage and that she needs to work on it but now i feel its back.

I never know when to take her aches and pains seriously cos it always occurs when i have something going on... .i have carpel tunnel syndrome that i am seeing the surgeon about in 2 weeks and a stuffed shoulder that i am getting the next round of shots into next week, so this past 2 weeks her elbow is sore, she was diagnosed with tennis elbow, then it was tendinitis, then a wrenched finger... .same symptoms but she tells the docs different things each time but the symptoms at home never change and arent there unless you ask her to help with something.

I feel like a parent to her mostly rather than her partner, if i don't ask about her blood sugars she forgets, psych has said not to ask her and let her take responsibility for herself... .

Sorry not sure which board i should go to in order to ask for help in dealing with the issues that arise from the BPD and how i can support her to sort herself while dealing with the emotional fall out for me. 

Thanks

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[maxsterling]

Celtic -



Wow.  That's a lot to deal with!  I certainly know where you are coming from.  My wife also complains of many aches and pains, goes to doctor after doctor, and gets test after inconclusive test.   Yet I hear daily about how much pain she is in and how nobody will do anything to help her.

I think your therapist is correct here, let her deal with her own problems.  Staying on her case about how to take care of herself is completely futile and probably counterproductive.  That's just the nature of BPD.  You can't solve their problems (believe me, I have tried) because all you get in return is exhaustion.  That "parental" feeling is par for the course here, but a way to minimize it is to focus on you and recognize she is who she is and back out of her issues.  I know it's difficult because I am sure she asks for so much of you, and gets mad if you tell her "no". 

If you look to the right, there are some links to resources and lessons that will help you learn about this illness and how to manage yourself better when faced with a BPD partner.

Again, welcome!  I'm sure we can help you find the answers you seek.

[waverider]

Hi Celtic

You are not alone in going through this. My partner always has at least one ailment happening at anyone time. Late night trips to the ER are normal. Add to this we went through a long period of calling ambulances for self harm.

Mixed through this the lack of self care has resulted in genuine issues that have been masked by all the crying wolf.

It was sad when she recently went through breast cancer and it was obvious everyone around her was so fed up with the endless ailments there was little support forthcoming.

It is draining, but you have to stick to getting on with your own life, as the need to sell you the victim role will not be sated no matter how much you pander to it.