uBPD mom in distress again

[Trollvaaken]

I am in my late twenties and my mum has been complaining to me about my father for as long as I can remember. I no longer live in the same country as my mother. My parents are still together (for financial reasons), but it is a loveless marriage. I know my father is very cheap and can be quite mean, so I sympathize with my mother's problem, but I can't bear being her psychologist anymore. I understand her reasons for not divorcing him, but that does not mean that I want to hear about all her problems with him for the rest of my life; it is emotionally exhausting for me. She basically dumps her burdens on me. So, I saw a therapist this fall and am trying to maintain my boundaries.

Recently, she had another talk with my father and he admitted again that he didn't love her, but he just wants to maintain the status quo (sham relationship), whereas my mother would rather they live as roommates. This makes sense to me. Like I said, I don't want to get involved in this as I am trying to uphold my boundaries. I think she should see a psychologist to help her cope with all these issues (but mainly so she would stop discussing these things with me) and suggested it in the fall and she seemed to agree with the idea until all of a sudden she sent me this e-mail: "So, why are you insisting I see the psychologist?" I knew it was a trap, I didn't want to answer that when I think she is more than aware of the problems in her life and by answering that question, I am kind of getting myself more wet than I would like if you see what I mean.

So, basically, this will sound kind of counterproductive, but how do I help her without getting involved? Is that even possible? I really understand her point in regards to my father and wanting to live as roommates, but I don't have the emotional strength right now to help her and I want to put an end to this cycle. Obviously, by not being overly involved in her problem, she will think I don't care (she constantly complains about my older sisters not want to listen to her when she talks about issues with my dad... .they don't want to listen for the same reasons as me). Is there any way of sort of showing support, or does it have to be all or nothing since I am trying to protect my own boundaries. All I want to say is: "I feel your pain, please don't talk to me about it, get professional help."

[Harri]

Hi Trollvaaken.  That is a difficult situation to be in and it is obvious how torn you are between wanting to help and maintaining your boundaries.

Obviously, by not being overly involved in her problem, she will think I don't care... .Is there any way of sort of showing support, or does it have to be all or nothing since I am trying to protect my own boundaries. All I want to say is: "I feel your pain, please don't talk to me about it, get professional help."

First, you do care and that is obvious in this post.    The thing is, you seem to be allowing your mother's idea of what caring looks like *to her* to determine the value of your actions.  If you do anything other than listen to her and support exactly what she wants and get involved in areas you do not want and that violate your boundaries, in your mother's mind, you will be "uncaring".  So to put this bluntly, stop allowing your mother to define the value of your actions.   Chances are, you will never get her to see that you do care.  The most caring thing you can do for her is to tell her exactly what you said here--->"I feel your pain, please don't talk to me about it, get professional help." 

Trollvaaken, I don't think it has to be all or nothing.  Saying the above *is* showing healthy support and love.  We can't control our BPD parent's emotions and we can't get them to behave in healthy ways.  All we can do is take care of us, stop allowing the emotions of our disordered parent to define us and our actions and set boundaries.  I know it is not easy and I know it will hurt the both of you but allowing your mother to have to stand on her own and possibly get professional help is the most caring thing you can do for the both of you.

[Trollvaaken]

Thanks Harri for putting things into perspective. I still feel selfish about upholding my boundaries in these situations, I'm not saying I'm not selfish, but on this point, I still feel guilty towards my mother, but my guilt cannot compete with a rational argument.

My mum noticed that I wasn't as involved as she would have liked in the discussion about my dad and wrote to me about it a day later.

I just worded it like: "It worries me when you tell me stuff like that, but I think you should discuss this with a therapist so you can find out ways to cope."

She took it well. Well, she didn't address it, but she wasn't angry in her reply and didn't go on about my dad. That's good enough for me!