First Post

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As most, I don't know where to begin.  on 2/25/15, I will have been married for 10 years.  For many years my wife and I have had our disagreements and they have been often.   I am 100% committed to my marriage and will never leave.  We have a strong Christian spiritual life and we have vowed to stay together.  It is a tough situation.  I love her very much

I was married before and my ex-wife was an alcoholic.  She left and I won custody of our 4 year old son. I was a single parent for 3 years when I met my BPD wife.  She too was divorced and had a 7 year old son.  So when we married we both had 7 year old sons.  It appeared to be a perfect match.  We then had another son and he is 8 years old now.

Almost immediately we began to fight about the kids.  She did not disclose to me prior to our marriage that her son was ADHD.  I had no experience with ADHD and I just thought he was a defiant kid.  She wanted me to be his father but constantly overruled me in parenting matters.  We got along fairly well but it was clear that her son was #1 in her life.

I have to admit upfront that I am a 2nd generation Italian American and have a typical short fuse.  I don't get angry I just get loud.  My whole family is loud.  My wife was a psychology major and she is brilliant.  She really knows how to work people and she can always sense when I am upset.  She could spend $1,000 on junk and when I would talk to her about it she would be all mad and say I was controlling her with money, etc. and she would push me and push me until I would raise my voice to get my point in - then suddenly it was all my fault because I was being verbally abusive and mean spirited and then the whole discussion shifted to my being rude and loud and mean.  This has been the pattern of our marriage for 10 years.  She could hit me in the back with a baseball bat (not really) and then when I turned and would yell "Why did you do that?" and then she would say that I am being loud and verbally abusive and she would leave the room (not a real scenario).

I came to believe that it was all my fault that we fought and I sought counseling.  I met with my first counselor, a 2nd one, year later a third one, etc.  All believed that I was acting reasonable and should not let her push my buttons.  I still believed that I was the problem.

At 16, my wife's son and my wife began to fight a lot.  He was a typical teen who wanted his freedoms.   He is still ADHD and very impressionable.  She caught him looking at porn and texting bad things and she went off the deep end on him. They got in a huge fight and when she began to review all his texts and website activity he said if she did that then he would kill himself.  It was very scary but I did not believe he was serious.  She on the other hand called the local hospital and placed in in the psychiatric ward. He stayed there for a week and then she decided to take him out of school and put him in a therapeutic wilderness school.  Now all of the attention was on him and he was the problem.

After my stepson got back from the wilderness, we sought counseling from our pastor and from a very good psychologist.  When my wife and I met with the psychologist and the pastor, they both talked to me separately and told me that my wife was BPD!  I didn't even know what that meant.  They told me to buy the book Walking on Eggshells.  Wow!  Suddenly it all made sense to me. 

Well my wife refuses to go to counseling.  She found my book and chewed me out. She says she is perfectly sane and that she has no issues.  I am the problem because of my temper. She insults my manhood. She yells at our stepson who is still struggling with depression.  She yells at my 16 year old son until he loses his cool and now he is a problem child who talks back and is disrespectful.

I am continuing to read the book and I found this website.  I know my story isn't unique. I have considered leaving my wife because she is impossible to live with.  3 days she is great and we are so in love and she turns on a dime and blows up at the whole family.

She absolutely refuses to admit that she is the problem at all. Not even 1%.  Its like if she admits anything that her whole façade will come tumbling down.  She is the psychology major and reads Psychology Today and keeps up with all the neurosciences and watches TED talks and is up to speed on all things psychology and mental health.  She uses her son as a whipping boy and tries to find all things wrong with him, with me and with my son.  Our 8 year old gets a small bit of her wrath but she uses him as a weapon with me and says if I divorce her that I will never see him again.

Oh well, that's my story. I need to train myself to deal with her. I am not going to leave her.  I married her for better, worse, richer, poorer and in sickness and in health.

Thanks

[charlestonbpdhusband]

As most, I don't know where to begin.  on 2/25/15, I will have been married for 10 years.  For many years my wife and I have had our disagreements and they have been often.   I am 100% committed to my marriage and will never leave.  We have a strong Christian spiritual life and we have vowed to stay together.  It is a tough situation.  I love her very much

I was married before and my ex-wife was an alcoholic.  She left and I won custody of our 4 year old son. I was a single parent for 3 years when I met my BPD wife.  She too was divorced and had a 7 year old son.  So when we married we both had 7 year old sons.  It appeared to be a perfect match.  We then had another son and he is 8 years old now.

Almost immediately we began to fight about the kids.  She did not disclose to me prior to our marriage that her son was ADHD.  I had no experience with ADHD and I just thought he was a defiant kid.  She wanted me to be his father but constantly overruled me in parenting matters.  We got along fairly well but it was clear that her son was #1 in her life.

I have to admit upfront that I am a 2nd generation Italian American and have a typical short fuse.  I don't get angry I just get loud.  My whole family is loud.  My wife was a psychology major and she is brilliant.  She really knows how to work people and she can always sense when I am upset.  She could spend $1,000 on junk and when I would talk to her about it she would be all mad and say I was controlling her with money, etc. and she would push me and push me until I would raise my voice to get my point in - then suddenly it was all my fault because I was being verbally abusive and mean spirited and then the whole discussion shifted to my being rude and loud and mean.  This has been the pattern of our marriage for 10 years.  She could hit me in the back with a baseball bat (not really) and then when I turned and would yell "Why did you do that?" and then she would say that I am being loud and verbally abusive and she would leave the room (not a real scenario).

I came to believe that it was all my fault that we fought and I sought counseling.  I met with my first counselor, a 2nd one, year later a third one, etc.  All believed that I was acting reasonable and should not let her push my buttons.  I still believed that I was the problem.

At 16, my wife's son and my wife began to fight a lot.  He was a typical teen who wanted his freedoms.   He is still ADHD and very impressionable.  She caught him looking at porn and texting bad things and she went off the deep end on him. They got in a huge fight and when she began to review all his texts and website activity he said if she did that then he would kill himself.  It was very scary but I did not believe he was serious.  She on the other hand called the local hospital and placed in in the psychiatric ward. He stayed there for a week and then she decided to take him out of school and put him in a therapeutic wilderness school.  Now all of the attention was on him and he was the problem.

After my stepson got back from the wilderness, we sought counseling from our pastor and from a very good psychologist.  When my wife and I met with the psychologist and the pastor, they both talked to me separately and told me that my wife was BPD!  I didn't even know what that meant.  They told me to buy the book Walking on Eggshells.  Wow!  Suddenly it all made sense to me. 

Well my wife refuses to go to counseling.  She found my book and chewed me out. She says she is perfectly sane and that she has no issues.  I am the problem because of my temper. She insults my manhood. She yells at our stepson who is still struggling with depression.  She yells at my 16 year old son until he loses his cool and now he is a problem child who talks back and is disrespectful.

I am continuing to read the book and I found this website.  I know my story isn't unique. I have considered leaving my wife because she is impossible to live with.  3 days she is great and we are so in love and she turns on a dime and blows up at the whole family.

She absolutely refuses to admit that she is the problem at all. Not even 1%.  Its like if she admits anything that her whole façade will come tumbling down.  She is the psychology major and reads Psychology Today and keeps up with all the neurosciences and watches TED talks and is up to speed on all things psychology and mental health.  She uses her son as a whipping boy and tries to find all things wrong with him, with me and with my son.  Our 8 year old gets a small bit of her wrath but she uses him as a weapon with me and says if I divorce her that I will never see him again.

Oh well, that's my story. I need to train myself to deal with her. I am not going to leave her.  I married her for better, worse, richer, poorer and in sickness and in health.

Thanks

[livednlearned]

Hi charleston,

Welcome to the site, I'm glad you posted and gave such a good backstory on what you're going through. You're definitely not alone, as you said, and your story is similar to what many here experience. You love your wife and want to stay, and it sounds like in addition to the struggles in your relationship, you also want what is best for your three boys. I can relate to have a teen-age son (my son is 13) and all that goes with that.

One of the best things that happened for me was learning how other people coped with parenting issues when one parent is BPD. I learned so much. Lesson 5 to the right -------> has a lot of good material on raising emotionally resilient kids. The one tool that worked for me right away was validation. There's a book called Power of Validation (for parents) that I used with my son (also diagnosed ADHD) and it worked immediately. Validation is also an excellent tool to use with a BPD spouse. When you want to discuss tools to help you in your relationship with your wife, the Staying Board is an excellent place to also introduce yourself.

I'm really glad you posted here for help with your kids. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the marital issues and feel so overwhelmed that we can't help our kids. It sounds like you have a plan to address the whole enchilada 

Was the wilderness school helpful for your son? My son also struggles with depression. He's seeing a psychiatrist who is doing metacognitive therapy with him and I'm cautiously optimistic that this will lay a lifelong foundation for him to deal with his depression/anxiety (very common with ADHD kids). Metacognitive therapy is about how we think, not just what we think. He just started so I can't say yet whether this is the right approach.

I hope you'll keep posting and let us know how you're doing. People here genuinely care and understand here 

[Restored2]

charlestonBPDhusband: Welcome to this very supportive family of people who are or have been right where you are now.  

I too have a strong spiritual Christian life as do you.  I am a born again Christian.  I applaud you with a standing ovation for your very first and last quotes of your message; "For many years my wife and I have had our disagreements and they have been often.   I am 100% committed to my marriage and will never leave.  We have a strong Christian spiritual life and we have vowed to stay together.  It is a tough situation.  I love her very much."  "I need to train myself to deal with her. I am not going to leave her.  I married her for better, worse, richer, poorer and in sickness and in health."  This is where the rubber meets the pavement in marriage!  

You are extremely fortunate that not only your psychologist but your pastor are able to identify her as having BPD for not only her but for your support as well.  This same psychologist and pastor should both be informing her directly of their concerns of her having BPD in order for her to get the much needed help she requires.  She needs to hear it from someone other than you that is a professional whom she can trust.

I would encourage you to temporarily separate under any abusive behavior towards you and your children for protection purposes if need be, which may need to be documented for social services and police records.  In the meantime, tap into the tools, resources and discussion boards to train and equip yourself towards a turned around marriage and family.

Prayer is powerful.  God bless!