Is it normal to freak out this much before leaving?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After a turbulent Valentine's day weekend, I moved my "moving" date to this Friday. I went against my own good sense because he asked me directly Saturday about leaving, telling me he couldn't continue with my anger as it is. I said I understood and I didn't know if I'd have enough space to deal with my issues and stay, that I still wanted to try a separation. He refused. He was calm hearing me say I didn't know what else I could do while together because I felt like I'd done everything and now I needed to heal and that wasn't happening in this environment. After the calm, came the storm. He raged, said lots of nasty things. I handled it pretty well and tried not to respond to most of it. Some of it did really get to my core, though. Eventually he apologized. We agreed to be civil. I stayed at a friend's.

The next day I came home and he was so calm and told me he understood I needed space and why now and he wanted to give that to me. That he didn't want it to end but he couldn't give me an actual separation, or go into an inpatient program. He said he was doing everything he could in T and group and that I would have to be ok with that. I told him I needed time to think. I got really sad. He gave me a hug. I felt worse. I cried in the bathroom a while. I told him I needed time to think. He demanded an answer soon because it wasn't fair to make him wait... .for such a major, life-changing decision. I stayed at my sister's. We talked about it a lot. I still felt very confused. I also wasn't prepared to leave in the sense that I hadn't done everything I needed to protect myself before exiting.

He texted me the next day asking for the yes or no. I told him this was a conversation that should happen in person and I wasn't going to discuss it via text. He asked me a few more times. I scheduled a therapy appointment for the evening and told him I'd be home after it to talk. He asked where I was and I just ignored him (bc I was at a coffee shop down the street until my appointment and didn't feel comfortable telling him). I went to T and she said if I decided to stay then we need to explore why I want to stay in a relationship that I often describe as unbearable. I decided to tell him we could try taking space in the same 1 bedroom apartment but I knew I would finalize planning to get my ducks in a row. T advised doing it sooner than later bc more time will not make it easier for me to decide. She also advised framing it as temporary, even though H has assured me that if I leave that's it, which to me doesn't seem like he's really willing to do everything he can for this marriage. I guess I feel like he owes me a separation after all I've done to try to make this work. But he tells me I was trying when he wasn't ready and he's ready now. Am I just a pawn?

So, now I have started to slip into the depression phase. I cried myself to sleep last night, and even put my arm around H, something I've not been doing. It's really awkward taking space in the same apartment. There's something passive aggressive about talking minimally to a roommate. We don't eat together. I always ask him about his day, etc. first. I can't imagine this getting easier or feeling less tense with time. This is not the right environment for me to sort out my emotional issues in.

My support system tells me do what's right but they all sort of urge me that I was so deadset on leaving after I got back from my 2 week trip. My T even told me the further away that two weeks of freedom is, the harder this will be. You will forget how good that felt. Not to mention that this is the only romantic relationship I've considered ending before I had another relationship lined up (one of my areas of improvement obv). So, I know that for many reasons, leaving this will hurt more than ANY other relationship and I will feel ALL of that pain without distraction.

So, why am I confused? Is it that there's that part of me that's still addicted to him? His hugs, his kisses, hearing I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, etc. Am I afraid because when we started dating I was finally able to check off every box on my dreamboat list, even though the dreamboat had some attributes I certainly didn't ask for? I want a crystal ball to tell me if I've done everything I can, that this likely won't get that much better. That he's been buttering me up because he doesn't want me to leave but that the moment I say ok, let's just try this one more time, I will feel trapped and dying to get out.

My sister, her boyfriend and a close friend have all taken off work for Friday to do this. My sister has opened her heart and home to me to get me through this. She understands better than anyone as she is a domestic abuse survivor. And yet, I am terrified and what in the near past felt like the best plan ever, now that it is in motion feels like the end of the world... .ugh.

Is it normal to freak out this much before you leave?

[Bloomer]

After a turbulent Valentine's day weekend, I moved my "moving" date to this Friday. I went against my own good sense because he asked me directly Saturday about leaving, telling me he couldn't continue with my anger as it is. I said I understood and I didn't know if I'd have enough space to deal with my issues and stay, that I still wanted to try a separation. He refused. He was calm hearing me say I didn't know what else I could do while together because I felt like I'd done everything and now I needed to heal and that wasn't happening in this environment. After the calm, came the storm. He raged, said lots of nasty things. I handled it pretty well and tried not to respond to most of it. Some of it did really get to my core, though. Eventually he apologized. We agreed to be civil. I stayed at a friend's.

The next day I came home and he was so calm and told me he understood I needed space and why now and he wanted to give that to me. That he didn't want it to end but he couldn't give me an actual separation, or go into an inpatient program. He said he was doing everything he could in T and group and that I would have to be ok with that. I told him I needed time to think. I got really sad. He gave me a hug. I felt worse. I cried in the bathroom a while. I told him I needed time to think. He demanded an answer soon because it wasn't fair to make him wait... .for such a major, life-changing decision. I stayed at my sister's. We talked about it a lot. I still felt very confused. I also wasn't prepared to leave in the sense that I hadn't done everything I needed to protect myself before exiting.

He texted me the next day asking for the yes or no. I told him this was a conversation that should happen in person and I wasn't going to discuss it via text. He asked me a few more times. I scheduled a therapy appointment for the evening and told him I'd be home after it to talk. He asked where I was and I just ignored him (bc I was at a coffee shop down the street until my appointment and didn't feel comfortable telling him). I went to T and she said if I decided to stay then we need to explore why I want to stay in a relationship that I often describe as unbearable. I decided to tell him we could try taking space in the same 1 bedroom apartment but I knew I would finalize planning to get my ducks in a row. T advised doing it sooner than later bc more time will not make it easier for me to decide. She also advised framing it as temporary, even though H has assured me that if I leave that's it, which to me doesn't seem like he's really willing to do everything he can for this marriage. I guess I feel like he owes me a separation after all I've done to try to make this work. But he tells me I was trying when he wasn't ready and he's ready now. Am I just a pawn?

So, now I have started to slip into the depression phase. I cried myself to sleep last night, and even put my arm around H, something I've not been doing. It's really awkward taking space in the same apartment. There's something passive aggressive about talking minimally to a roommate. We don't eat together. I always ask him about his day, etc. first. I can't imagine this getting easier or feeling less tense with time. This is not the right environment for me to sort out my emotional issues in.

My support system tells me do what's right but they all sort of urge me that I was so deadset on leaving after I got back from my 2 week trip. My T even told me the further away that two weeks of freedom is, the harder this will be. You will forget how good that felt. Not to mention that this is the only romantic relationship I've considered ending before I had another relationship lined up (one of my areas of improvement obv). So, I know that for many reasons, leaving this will hurt more than ANY other relationship and I will feel ALL of that pain without distraction.

So, why am I confused? Is it that there's that part of me that's still addicted to him? His hugs, his kisses, hearing I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, etc. Am I afraid because when we started dating I was finally able to check off every box on my dreamboat list, even though the dreamboat had some attributes I certainly didn't ask for? I want a crystal ball to tell me if I've done everything I can, that this likely won't get that much better. That he's been buttering me up because he doesn't want me to leave but that the moment I say ok, let's just try this one more time, I will feel trapped and dying to get out.

My sister, her boyfriend and a close friend have all taken off work for Friday to do this. My sister has opened her heart and home to me to get me through this. She understands better than anyone as she is a domestic abuse survivor. And yet, I am terrified and what in the near past felt like the best plan ever, now that it is in motion feels like the end of the world... .ugh.

Is it normal to freak out this much before you leave?

[Grey Kitty]

  I haven't left under circumstances at all like this; I've got no idea how much freaking out before you leave is normal.

 I sure am not surprised that you are freaking out given your situation... .Whatever you do about it!

My advice is do what you need to do to stabilize yourself. (Sounds like moving out Friday!)

Try not to engage him on the whole temporary /permanent separation question. You can't expect him to be calm enough to have an open conversation about it right now. You don't need any more fights when both of you are triggered.

[Bloomer]

Thanks, Grey. Yeah, this whole space at home thing is just weird. Seems like it's just going to lead to a lot of resentment on both ends. And that's not going to help anyone heal. I know this is objectively the "healthiest" thing for me to do. Unfortunately, when I walk in my neighborhood this week I think about it being the last time I'll be in proximity. My sister lives 40 minutes outside the city... .which after living in the hip neighborhood for 3 years, is basically like another planet to me. I'll also be living in her basement, in her small two bedroom house. Obviously, there are a lot of things weighing on my mind.

I did speak to a lawyer today about a couple of things to try to prepare.

1) The car is in my name but I will have access to vehicles through my family (all live within 5 minute radius on said other planet). Lawyer said it would probably look better on me if this ever ended up in court to let him use the car since he's dependent on it for his therapy. She also said since it's in my name, I could take it at any time and he can't report it stolen legally. He has plans to get a motorcycle within a month (like has it picked out and arranged) , so I feel ok about this. Also, I feel like this is the right thing to do bc I don't want to be unnecessarily cruel but I know many would advise against it. I honestly don't foresee him doing anything really rash to the car. I also plan to send a message to his T so she knows I'm doing this for his therapy and that I do want it back.

2) He has been threatening to take me off health insurance if I/he leave(s). I have the option of insurance through my work but it's rubbish and no T coverage. I found out that legally, he cannot take me off his insurance until we are divorced and would have a tough time removing me without my consent. I'd like to offer to pay him for my half (far less than my monthly therapy costs without it). While I know he won't want to do this, he doesn't really have a choice legally. I think I'm being pretty fair, even though that means nothing to him.

My T advised against mentioning details in the note I leave for him but I know this will be very hard for him. She also advised holding off any response to him until I have time to get my bearings,  at least 1-2 days. I have a hard time with that idea but I get what she's saying and you've sort of echoed that as well.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm a big pragmatist. Here's a big part of my strategy... .at least since I've learned about the BPD circus!

Don't say things because they are true.

Say them because they will make life better for you, and possibly your husband as well. (While not being actively deceitful or lying if you can avoid it.)

Before you open your mouth to say something (or include it in a note), ask yourself: "What good will come of saying this?"

I guarantee that you won't be getting any validation for your feelings or your reasons for going away from your husband. You will get dysregulation and blaming, etc. instead. Seek that validation elsewhere. [Here... .your sister... .your therapist, etc.]

Getting out of the house tomorrow protects you. You just need to do it, and should tell your H that you did it. He has had plenty of warning anyhow. Don't bite on temporary, permanent, or whatever.

If leaving him the car works for you, do it. Say as little as possible about it.

If your lawyer says he can't take you off his whether he wants to or not, just shut up about it.

The time to offer to pay half will come later... .after he figures this out. You can offer to do it retroactively when you do, if you are still feeling generous.

It is probably easier to leave a note than talk to him... .but keep it short. Something like:

I need to live apart from you right now.

I know this is hard for you and I'm sorry about that.

You can drive the car for now.

(Optionally say something about where you are staying or how he can contact you.)


 Say goodbye to the neighborhood. Or perhaps "So Long." You certainly can go back to visit if you want. You will be looking for a place to live in a few months, other than your sister's basement. Lots of possibilities are going to exist for you.

Focus on finding your own peace with existing on your own. (You said that leaving a r/s without another one already lined up to jump into is a huge step forward for you!) After you work through some of your triggers, you will be able to imagine what reconciliation might look like. Accept the uncertainty. It is hard. (And even harder for a pwBPD like your H)

You will give him room to deal with his own issues... .as well or as badly as he's going to.