When your mother wanted you to stay helpless - can anyone relate?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The issue of this topic has long been on my mind and something I am giving a lot of thought. Something which people who do not have NPD/BPD parents can't seem to relate to in my experience.

My mother is NPD and my father was absent most of my childhood. I know that I am very professionally competent with a good career and that I from the outside look succesful in my life - and in many ways I also feel that this is the case. However, almost everyday I am faced with a situation where I feel I lack some basic "life skills" which other people seemingly learned from their parents.

Growing up and moving on my own, I felt that I had to teach myself everything by mimicking other people. Basic hygiene, cooking, washing, paying bills, tying my shoes, riding a bike... .all kinds of everyday stuff. I think my mother wanted a life where I was completely dependent on her and as a result of that I am still somehow "reparenting myself" at the age of 38. I think that I am quite good at covering my incompetencies up, but it nevertheless is a continued source of embarrassment to me as I am always afraid that people will discover that there are many super simple things that I am not sure of how to do. Can anyone relate to this?

It is SUCH an icky and lonely feeling somehow knowing that your parent wanted you to stay "helpless" in a way.

[Sofie]

The issue of this topic has long been on my mind and something I am giving a lot of thought. Something which people who do not have NPD/BPD parents can't seem to relate to in my experience.

My mother is NPD and my father was absent most of my childhood. I know that I am very professionally competent with a good career and that I from the outside look succesful in my life - and in many ways I also feel that this is the case. However, almost everyday I am faced with a situation where I feel I lack some basic "life skills" which other people seemingly learned from their parents.

Growing up and moving on my own, I felt that I had to teach myself everything by mimicking other people. Basic hygiene, cooking, washing, paying bills, tying my shoes, riding a bike... .all kinds of everyday stuff. I think my mother wanted a life where I was completely dependent on her and as a result of that I am still somehow "reparenting myself" at the age of 38. I think that I am quite good at covering my incompetencies up, but it nevertheless is a continued source of embarrassment to me as I am always afraid that people will discover that there are many super simple things that I am not sure of how to do. Can anyone relate to this?

It is SUCH an icky and lonely feeling somehow knowing that your parent wanted you to stay "helpless" in a way.

[anyplacesafe]

Hi Sofie,

Thanks for your post. What really leapt out at me was your description of mimicking, and this thing about remaining helpless. I had a lot of shame about not being able to take care of some personal hygiene stuff when I was four or five, unlike other kids my age. It took me ages to wonder and ask myself... .why didn't my mum just TEACH me to do it? It wasn't my fault or yours.

Equally, there were some things she knew she did better than I would, and, yeah, she could of course plait my hair far better than I could do it. But I never learned - I still can't plait my own hair although of course as an adult that's less important. But I learned to do all kinds of body hair/cosmetic things WAY later than my peers, because my mum would just say she could do it better. Also laundry, I still struggle to work out how best to do stuff now because for *years* my mum made a huge deal about doing it for me to "help" and got really hysterically hurt and upset if I wouldn't let her take dirty laundry home to do with her. I think with my mum she wanted to keep involved and help me but also to massively control HOW my hair/body looked/stay "needed" because with BPD I think it's very hard to believe you're "wanted". Thinking about it (my lack of competence) makes me feel very ashamed (and made me feel alienated from/uninformed about my body), but they weren't MY choices anymore than they were yours. You'll notice I've still been a bit euphemistic here though... .some FOG lingers!

I think with any disregulation that makes a parent triangulate and isolate, that sense of mimicking is reinforced because I  as a poor clueless bewildered child (and an only child to boot) was constantly studying/interrogating/observing other families (e.g. those of my friends) to try and work out if what was happening was "normal" (was I weird? Was I bad? Were my parents going to divorce? Did other people get angry like my mum did?). So mimicking is second nature.

Big hugs to you, if wanted.  I know your feeling when you think about this is lonely and icky. It would be. But you aren't alone, and I don't think you're icky.

[isilme]

Hi Sofie, we're about the sam age, I'm 39.  Yes, I was not actually taught many things, and what I was taught were often not age appropriate (taught to drive at 11 because my mom liked to drive after taking prescription sleeping drugs).

I wasn't actually taught many things, your hygiene statement got to me.  I was the smelly girl in early junior high - not because I didn't bathe, but I did not know I needed deodorant, and also as a 13-year-old, was not good about remembering to wash my clothes.  I learned a lot by observation and trial and error, and yes, there are plenty of things my peers learned from parents (or parents may even still help with), that I muddled through until I got it.  But I was also expected to learn to b self-sufficient at a very early age, given my first alarm clock at 5 so I could get up on my own for kindergarten.  By 7, I could do it usually, by 8, I needed and honestly wanted no assistance from my drugged up mother.  I found out that most women I know had this memorable experience telling their mother of their first period.  I don't.  I was like 11, felt sick and realized what was happening, found the supplies I needed, got dressed and went to a 6th-grade school choir show I was in.  I think mom noticed the pads had been used, and asked me.  But it never even occurred to me to go tell her.  Why?  She'd told me the birds and the bees at 5.  (   yeah, gross.  I've learned a new term, covert sexual abuse, and it fits her and dad both - crude and inappropriate conversations, humor and activity, just no touching)

Cooking and most chores I learned a little from my mom, because she didn't want to do it anymore.  But it wasn't a lot of "do it this way," it was just watch and figure it out.  :)ad was just unapproachable.  But I always enjoyed puzzles and such, so after he'd rage and quit a task, like assembling furniture or finding the broken Christmas light, I'd wait till he cleared out and then go finish it.  I learned very early to not ask how to do things.  I was supposed to figure it out.  Asking was rude, lazy, whatever O_o

College was a whole lot of this.  People took it for granted that I had parents who helped, cared if I got there, helped me move in, etc.  I didn't even know what I was attending when Dad sent me to a college orientation overnight trip.  I just went, scared as hell, feelings lost nd out of place and seeing I was one of just a few who hadn't been dropped off by family.  I just followed the press of people until i could see what was happening, and got assigned a dorm room for the night and then silly activities all day.  The next day, I realized we were actually registering for class, but since I didn't understand my advanced credits from test scores and the advisor was overwhelmed, wasted a semester on a class I'd tested out of.  

That has been my life - find out where to be, and then see what other people are doing.  

Sadly, this makes me a bit impatient at 39, as I can now look at a situation and already start working on a solution in my head, while those around me often need someone to tell them what's happening before they can follow things.  

I kinda feel like I've had to be Sherlock Holmes, deducing things, observing and listening so as not to have to ask questions.  And still, I find there are things I didn't know.  I just got married recently, something most ladies can turn to their mom for assistance and advice.  Nope.  I am NC with both parents, it's the only way I feel safe and can stave off being enmeshed, so I turned to message boards and friends and their moms with any questions I got the nerve to ask.  

Yes, my mom wanted me tied to her - I'd not say dependent, as she wanted me as her caretaker and emotional supply, but she did not want me free to live my own life, either.  

You are not helpless and if you're 38, I think you've kinda figured out a lot about life and are doing okay.  I think the big secret for every is... .No one knows how to do everything.  Even people with active and mentally healthy parents.  We all kinda wander through life learning as we go.  And that's okay.  I mean, what kind of stuff at this point do you feel you need help knowing how to do?  I "know" how to do my taxes, but am still scared and nervous about joint filing this next year, ebcause I really don't "know" how to do it.  I ahve an idea how to go about changing my name, but that's only from reading and reading and more reading, and know I probably won't know everything until I get to the SSN office to do it.  And that's ok.  I guess if you accept that no one actaully knows everything ever, maybe it'll be a little less scary about admitting you arent' sure about some stuff.

[isilme]

that sense of mimicking is reinforced because I  as a poor clueless bewildered child (and an only child to boot) was constantly studying/interrogating/observing other families (e.g. those of my friends) to try and work out if what was happening was "normal" (was I weird? Was I bad? Were my parents going to divorce? Did other people get angry like my mum did?). So mimicking is second nature.

Mimicking is just normal behavior for kids, period, but also, I'd not noticed just how lacking my parental instruction was until my friends started having kids, and seeing their interactions.  I can't imagine H's 7 year old niece being allowed, let alone expected, to walk even just a block away to a bus stop, on her own, after getting up on her own and dressed and breakfasted on her own.  I can't imagine her being allowed or asked to cook bacon while standing on a step stool, or being berated for not knowing how to do something.

I think about H's niece's age I was learning that even though I was forbidden friends (too much competition for my mom I guess), things were not 'normal' at home.  But I did not see how weird it was till the past few years, seeing my peers at home themselves.

[Sofie]

Thank you very much, both of you, for your kind and considerate responses.   It seems to me that stuff like this is really difficult for people who did not grow up with disordered parents to wrap their heads around.

You're right, the hygiene, especially... .it's such a shame-based thing, for me at least. As an adult I spent a fortune on dental work due to that my teeth were not brushed properly as a child. When I was four or five, my mother decided that I was old enough to manage the brushing of my teeth myself, which - no surprise! - of course led to that more often than not I skipped brushing them or only did so partially. The other day I mentioned to my mother that I spent so much time and money having my teeth fixed to which she replied, "Well, it's your own fault, you should have taken better care of them." It's strange indeed how, yes, on one hand they like us to be helpless, but on the other they give us responsibilities that are not in any way age-appropriate.

You ask which skills I feel that I lack today... .it's a good question, and one I am not entirely sure how to answer. Maybe it's just a feeling that has stuck with me because I experienced it so much growing up and sometimes felt people's surprise or wonder over that I did not know how to do simple household chores, for instance. It's strange... .on the one hand I am the adult CEO of a succesful company, but on the other, I am still that girl who is afraid that someone will point their finger at me and say, "Haha, she doesn't know how to boil an egg!"

[Fie]

Hello Sofie 

Maybe by  now you have caught up a little ? Maybe now you do know  how to do most things, but still the fear related to those helpless feelings is there ? And the fear then triggers the helpless feelings themselves ?
And somehow, being a CEO of a succesful company can also enhance that fear I think ('I am a CEO so I must make sure I know how to handle everything ... .O wait, I don't know / used to not know those little simple things ... .but I have to know them because I am a CEO, what will people think when they find out ?'

I think that I am quite good at covering my incompetencies up, but it nevertheless is a continued source of embarrassment to me as I am always afraid that people will discover that there are many super simple things that I am not sure of how to do.

I think for most people, it is a relieve  to realize that their boss is also human, with 'faults'. That way, they will be allowed to make faults themselves. A boss who  realizes his/her flaws, will be more human / soft with his employees, too.

[Naughty Nibbler]

SOFIE:  

You are an extraordinary woman to have achieved so much!  You deserve a pat on the back and a hug .

So sorry about what you went through growing up.  Your parents were very neglectful.  Growing up in a disordered family had to be tough, and you certainly had more than you share of "not knowing what you did not know".  Lacking in hygiene and the simple basics of self care must have caused you a lot of embarrassment, in you younger years.  

I agree with the logic that others have stated. Many people (to a lesser degree) are lacking in some way in regard to what they learned growing up.  Even families without the label of a particular disorder, have some level of dysfunction.  Some children grow up to be naive in various ways due to cultural or religion principles that their parents enforced.

It can be embarrassing to realize you don't know something that most people in the room know.   Sometime, the logic of "fake it until you make it" is a good one (at least with intellectual things).  In my work life, I've been caught in a meeting from time to time, when something I was not familiar with was mentioned.  Generally, it was something technical.  What has served me well, through the years, is that I'd research what I didn't know about after the meeting.  Sometime, I'd have a side bar with someone outside of the meeting and ask a few questions.  Other times, I'd Google it or refer to a book.

Many of us grew up before the Internet and had to got to libraries and research things.  That seems like a big handicap in contrast to going to a computer and Googling something today.  We are in interesting times.  I can go to YouTube and watch a video on how to change a broken keyboard or screen on my laptop, or learn how to do some minor thing on my car.  Interesting time, indeed.

It might make you feel better to know that through the years, I've had several male coworkers whose wives didn't cook at all, there husbands did.  

"Once you stop learning, you start dying" ~ Albert Einstein

[Woolspinner2000]

Some really great conversation here to which most all of us can relate! Sophie, you are definitely not alone! How comforting it is to find others who feel so much like you do.  When I try to say these things to those who didn't grow up in a dysfunctional environment, they've no clue. The validation I find here at bpdfamily is so encouraging.

A recent topic with my T has been along the same lines as you've brought up: learned helplessness. I struggle with having the freedom to ask about what I don't know as a grown up (I'm 53) because, like you, I would get in trouble for asking my uBPDm. If I did ask in those early years growing up, how quickly I learned that I'd earn shame and anger for the asking.

Have you ever thought about telling yourself in those moments when you feel unprepared something like, "It's okay to ask. I'm not the little helpless child of long ago?" Use care when you chose who to ask, such as stay within the realm of those whom you consider safe and have your best interests at heart.

Wools

[MKG1015]

I absolutely identify with you. I have told my husband and some close friends I am a mimic. I don't know how to dress, how to do my hair, make-up, etc. I watch everyone around me and try very hard to emulate. I am 33 and just now know how to make my curly hair look nice.

Believe it or not I learned most of these skills from the internet and most recently from Pinterest. I had no idea how to use a flat iron or blow dry my hair into a style! Now I have all of these boards that I use as a guide to make sure I get it right. The problem with my boards and these recently developed skills is that now BPDmom is mimicing ME! I cut my hair short so she did too. She sends me endless pins of hair **that looks exactly like mine** asking if I think the cut and color will look good on her. When I tell her "no" I'm an evil b*tch and I'm selfish because "I don't know what looks good on me, but if it looks good on you I know it will be ok on me."

"I am not you."

Full stop.

She never wanted me to learn how to be a woman (let alone a lady, manners were taught at 17 by my Step-mom), and now that I've learned she wants ME to teach HER! I have flat refused. I keep telling her to work out what looks good on her for herself.

The only things i don't have to mimic are household chores. I was the parent in that house so I've been cleaning and taking care of myself since I was 6. I did go through a "i can't shower" phase as a teenager when the shower was stuffed with her sh** and filthy. (I rebelled as a teen and quit cleaning her messes). My Dad had to address that with me, which was embarrassing.

so now that I've rambled, let me say this. It's nice to know I am not the only one faking my way through life... .and it's terrible to know that I'm not the only one faking it.