Money AGAIN

[maxsterling]

Not sure what to do about this one.  I understand what is going on for her, but again this is a no-win situation for me.

Weekend was better than most.  She backed out of all wedding planning, and was actually in a somewhat happy and smiling mood.  We went out shopping for wedding favors, made a few decisions, and generally had a good time.

Last night I was watching TV while she was in the other room working on her own things.  She kept saying "don't do to bed yet, I will be there in a bit", so I stayed up, browsing craigslist for potential part time job opportunities that I could do in evenings or weekends.  Money is very tight, but this is by no means an emergency.  She then came walking through the living room, asked what I was doing, so I told her.  Later on she told me that I shouldn't be looking for part time jobs, asked me to not do it, said I should be looking for a better full time job instead.

This morning was okay.  But at 11:30, she called me frantic and screaming that she has no money, that I am making her live in poverty, that me looking for part time work stressed her out, said now she has to return a bunch of stuff she bought, that I am lying to her about finances, escalation, screaming, panic, etc... .

I know what is really going on is shame.  Shame that she lost her job, has no income except disability, that she is dependent on me, etc.  Also, abandonment.  She worries that me working more means less time with me. 

But my issue is that there seems to be no workable solution.  We do need extra money.  Finding a higher paying full time job in my field right now is more difficult than earing some kind of supplemental income.  An extra few hundred a month would go a long way.  She's not capable of working.  if I want to be more financially stable, it's up to me.  Talking with her about it seems to do no good because her mood around this subject is always bad.

But right now it's just soo backwards.  I'm causing her stress because I want to explore other ways of earning extra income?  She doesn't trust me with money, yet she won't work with me on it?  I feel like she wants me to do something, but if I make moves in the direction to help solve this problem, it causes her more stress... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Grey Kitty]

You nailed it here:

But my issue is that there seems to be no workable solution.  We do need extra money.  Finding a higher paying full time job in my field right now is more difficult than earing some kind of supplemental income.  An extra few hundred a month would go a long way.  She's not capable of working.  if I want to be more financially stable, it's up to me.  Talking with her about it seems to do no good because her mood around this subject is always bad.

Then lost it and backtracked here... .

But right now it's just soo backwards.  I'm causing her stress because I want to explore other ways of earning extra income?  She doesn't trust me with money, yet she won't work with me on it?  I feel like she wants me to do something, but if I make moves in the direction to help solve this problem, it causes her more stress... .

Boundaries, max, boundaries!

She's feeling shame, and she's stressed. She doesn't have a job, and can't get one today. That is her issue. Let her have it and feel it.

Validation of her feelings here is possible... .

You have a job. It is your job, not hers. Your decision.

If you want to look for a better full-time job, that is your choice.

If you want to find a part-time job to supplement, that is your choice.

If you want to balance the budget, you can only trust yourself to do what you can on it.

She is not responsible with money. She's proven that to you. So use your income to pay your obligations (including joint ones) and let her have whatever amount of money seems reasonable. TO YOU, not her.

None of these things are valid topics for discussion with her right now. Perhaps tell her what you ARE doing, but enforce a boundary that your career is not her choice, and you are not going to follow her (strident) statements about what you need to do.

[crash42]

Money has been a central point of contention in our relationship, too.  For a long time, my wife hasn't had a job.  She can't hold one down.  She has the ability to cause instant toxicity in a team, and has always had attendance problems.

We finally managed to get her on disability.  The money from that coming in makes her feel like she's contributing so, and it's much needed.

Her fear of abandonment kicks into high gear if I work longer hours.  Basically, she sits at home all day, by herself, waiting for our kid to get home from school and me to get home from work.  If I'm late home from work, she starts freaking out or going into a cycle of depression.  I go into work early in the morning, and I work until the work is done.  Sometimes that's 2 or 5 or 8.  I don't know how long I'm going to be gone, but she asks me constantly when I'll be home and frequently calls me at work to check on when I'm leaving.

I'd rather have fire and shoved in my pants than field those questions/calls.  I have a job.  I provide the primary source of income and bust my ass doing so.  This is one of those situations where I don't know how to be very understanding or validating.  I know I'm not home.  I can't be home RIGHT NOW! so we can have a home.  Haven't figured out how to get that point across.

Incidentally, when she in a particularly obsessive mode, she goes shopping to relieve stress.  I don't know how many patterns Vera Bradley has out, but we own most of them in the travel bag, the large purse, the small purse, the wallet, the cell phone cover, the check book cover... .and on and on and on.  She'll call me and tell me she wants to buy something absolutely useless that we in no way need.  I'll say that I understand that she wants it, but that we can't afford it and don't need it.  She'll cycle between throwing temper tantrums, pouting, begging and demanding until I'm just so sick of hearing about it that I tell her to do whatever she wants.  That pisses her off.  "I don't want you mad at me."  Then she goes and buys whatever it was she wanted anyway. 

[adventurer]

She'll cycle between throwing temper tantrums, pouting, begging and demanding until I'm just so sick of hearing about it that I tell her to do whatever she wants.  That pisses her off.  "I don't want you mad at me."  Then she goes and buys whatever it was she wanted anyway. 

She'll keep having the temper tantrums because when you give in and tell her to do whatever she wants, she sees that they are working.

Unfortunately, we nons need to play the 'bad guy' at times and let them ride out their negative behaviors.  Way easier for me to point this out online than to implement in my own life but I'm trying.