The black eyed monster is back...

[grayarea]

He made his way back last night... .the raging psychopath with black eyes! 

I got rear ended last night... .it was pretty hard. I felt okay when I left the accident, but once I got home I realized I had a splitting headache and felt quite nauseous and my neck hurt.  I thought maybe I got whiplash so I iced my neck and just rested.  I thought about going to the ER... .ok I don't have time to type all the details so long story short. 

When my bf got home, I was in terrible mood.   I had a long day at work, I got in an accident, and I wasn't feeling well - I did snap at him because he didn't offer to take me to the hospital.  Of course that set him off - how it was all my fault and if I really needed a dr or was feeling bad I would've gone.  Got all up in my face - obviously wanted to hit me.  He backed off then came back at me again... .grabbed my neck - yeah the same neck that was just involved in  an accident that might have whip lash... .when I asked him to stop hurting my already hurt neck, he threatened to break my neck - squeezed and twisted it more... .pushed me into the stove - have a huge bruise on my hip now.  I ran out and cried in the stairwell for an hour. 

All I can ask myself is why do I Keep putting up with this?  It can be months or even years, but that black eyed monster is alive and well no matter how much I think he's gone away.  I cry wondering why am stuck with such a terrible human being?  Why am I not one of those with a loving partner who would NEVER want to hurt esp if I'm already hurt?  I feel pity for myself and that's sad and pathetic. 

[OnceConfused]

Grayarea:

1. why do you keep putting up with this abuse ? Only you have the solution to this problem. I think you know what the solution is but you are afraid to act upon it.

2. Why are you not with a loving partner who would never want to hurt ... .? Again, you have to take actions to get what you want. You cannot simply sit there and wish him to be that prince. He will not.

3. Life is like sailing a boat, you have to keep on steering it. Take actions then if you make a mistake then take another action. You cannot sit still.

[zeus123]

onceconfused. you are absolutely right. i couldn't have said it better myself. i agree with you 100%.

grayarea the power is in your hand now to take your life back and stop the emotional and physical abuse. you have to end this, you owe it to your dignity and your sanity. the conflict between what you need and want,confuses and intensifies your struggle, because you're hopelessly trapped in yearning for a man you've sensed isn't healthy for you! your ambivalence is completely normal--but it adds to your feelings of shame about being out of control and a little 'crazy'. there's a ridiculously simple explanation for all of this; you've been trying to have a functional relationships with a dysfunctional individual,,you will never know where you stand with a borderline, because they're not capable of discerning this for themselves--well, not beyond a few moments or hours at time.the continuous stress of emotional/psychological warfare affects the human condition more than physical abuse, and some individual develop serious ailments during their time in these relationships.by the time he's done with you, you could feel a shadow of your former self--an empty shell of a woman; the borderline is an emotional vampire; he steadily wears you down with constant brainwashing and drains your vitality.his skewed perceptions make you feel as if you're viewing yourself in a fun house mirror,and you begin thinking that this distorted reflection of you is accurate! you've been in survival mode--- now you can begin to mend... good luck

[grayarea]

I know I'm probably taking this the wrong way, but sometimes I just need some validation in my life and not more people telling what I'm doing wrong which is exactly how this feels.  I understand the power is in my hands, but obviously if it were that easy, this site wouldn't need to exist.  Maybe I just needed someone to ask me hey you've been in an accident - are you ok? I didn't really need more questions - the ones I already ask myself every single day - to be asked when I'm in very vulnerable place right now. Glad you both are on the right path - good for you both.  I obviously don't get it.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Grayarea, 

I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope you are feeling better from your accident.     It is scary and confusing coping with a completely different side or persona from a pwBPD. 

On three occasions,  I have seen a different side of my bf.  When he has been suppressing his self-loathing/hostility/anger/resentment, sometimes he can get triggered and turn into what I refer to as the monster. He has told me that he "sees red" and just zones out or dissociates.  Witnessing it was very scary.

I can understand how you are feeling vulnerable. Coping with these types of behaviors could make anyone feel that way. I have felt like that before. Having my own support system of my family, friends, and therapist really helped me through times when I felt vulnerable. Do you have a support system? 

[BadKitty]

I  am so sorry you are going thought this. I understand how it feels to be kicked when you are down. I don't know why we choose to continue these relationships when we know they are not good for us. All we want is a little love and support when we are sick or hurting but we do not get it. I really feel for you, I know how hard it is. I am in the same situation. I can tell you that I have had enough, I am ready to leave. This has only escalated the rage with my exBPDbf. Maybe someday you will hit the point that I have and say enough is enough. You will do something about it when you are ready and not until then. It may be weeks or years until you reach that point. Maybe you never will. No one knows but you. Until then, try to be strong. Keep posting, it will help.

Now, how are you feeling after the accident?   I hope you are doing a little better.

[Mutt]

Hi grayarea,

I'm sorry your going through this  

How are you feeling?

[sweetheart]

Hello grayarea, sending you some more 

I've just read your post and your intro. You really have been through a lot in the last couple of years. I'm not surprised you feel confused, overwhelmed and upset.

I'm sorry that you are not getting want you want emotionally from your relationship, being comforted when we are hurting physically and emotionally is important for our self- esteem. I can hear that you feel unheard in your relationship, but we can hear you here, I can hear you.

Feeling pity for yourself does not make you sad and pathetic, you were injured in a car accident and deserved some care and attention.

Keep posting, there are many members here who can relate to your circumstances.

Let us know how things are now, how is your neck ?

Take care.