Getting over the guilt of the BPD breakup

[stocktongal]

I have recently just exited a 6 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend whom I lived ith.  It was my impression through this time period that e were living, sleeping, eating and have a sexual relationship that he might be bp.  But as the relationship continued he became more distant, secretive, lying, and calling me names, putting me dom, and blaiming me for things or outwarding snapping at me in a rage or disgust in front of friends or family.  Things were good for the 1st three months after I relocated and moved in with him.  Not that we are split up I keep blaming myself for his behavior, his lying, his affairs, and his  constant name calling at rages at me.  I am so trying to heal and am going for therapy but for some reason I keep thinking that a miracle will happen and we  will get back together and he will change his behavior towards me. Family and friends validated his behavior and never at any time told him ho he was acting was inappropriate.  And then again, if they did, he probably has or would have said that it is because of me. I really hate this pain.

[enlighten me]

Hi stocktongal

There is no miracle recovery. There is no flash of enlightenment that makes them see their behaviour. What you have to remember is that they have their lifetime of being this way and it cant change overnight.

Unless they hit rock bottom the majority never change. A lot know there is something not quite right with them but are unwilling to look into it. Others dont even have that.

If they ever decide to change it is possible with DBT and other therapies but these are most successful with long term treatment and a lot of pwBPD give up when it starts being uncomfortable.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. It was his choice to lie and cheat and be abusive. You cant make someone xheat on you if they dont want to.

We can all be hard on ourselves and take far too much of the blame for the failed relationship. Im not saying we are totally blameless but the percentage is well into the pwBPD side when it comes to blame in the vast majority of cases.