Book suggestion for healing from a failed relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I hope you all are having a great day today!

There are so many books reviewed, and they all look good, but I can't figure out which one would be best for my situation

I broke up with my former fiance (I'm 99.9999% sure she has BPD) last October and I'm still trying to get past the pain and confusion, even this far down the road. We were together a total of almost five years. I think about her everyday, along with the baffling  issues and behavior that plagued the relationship, and I just can't seem to move on. I haven't contacted her since early November, as my mind says "move on", but my heart says "If I had I stayed could the relationship have been salvaged with all the information and knowledge I've gained about BPD since ending it with her?".

I've been getting counseling since then and it's helping. My therapist has helped me to understand the great difficulties of trying to maintain a relationship with her, especially since she will in no way shape or form acknowledge that she has anything more than just the depression, anxiety disorder, and OCD she's been diagnosed with and takes medication for. I've never approached or confronted her with the possibility that she might have BPD, but, knowing how controlling and stubborn she is, I know that would be wasted effort. I wouldn't know how to do it constructively anyway, so I'm not about to try. What a mess that would be!

Anyway, I really just want to move on. I'm not sure I trust her anymore at this point, as I have a strong suspision that she cheated on me. This time away has me realizing, too, that I think she told me tall tales on a somewhat regular basis, and that her character is not as admirable and strong as I once believed it was. I won't even go into the dynamics and details of that! Either way, I'm not strong enough emotionally to maintain a relationship with someone who has this disorder, as sad as that makes me, along with the sadness I feel for the loss of the girl that I loved so dearly and thought I knew so well. The Dr Jekyll her, that is. Obviously, Mr Hyde drove me away. I know I have my own issues that contributed to the demise of the relationship, too, and that they'll just follow me into the next one, so I want to get some healing and understanding of our past and for my future.

Thanks for your time and help, and I'm sorry to be so long winded!

[SSJ0603]

I hope you all are having a great day today!

There are so many books reviewed, and they all look good, but I can't figure out which one would be best for my situation

I broke up with my former fiance (I'm 99.9999% sure she has BPD) last October and I'm still trying to get past the pain and confusion, even this far down the road. We were together a total of almost five years. I think about her everyday, along with the baffling  issues and behavior that plagued the relationship, and I just can't seem to move on. I haven't contacted her since early November, as my mind says "move on", but my heart says "If I had I stayed could the relationship have been salvaged with all the information and knowledge I've gained about BPD since ending it with her?".

I've been getting counseling since then and it's helping. My therapist has helped me to understand the great difficulties of trying to maintain a relationship with her, especially since she will in no way shape or form acknowledge that she has anything more than just the depression, anxiety disorder, and OCD she's been diagnosed with and takes medication for. I've never approached or confronted her with the possibility that she might have BPD, but, knowing how controlling and stubborn she is, I know that would be wasted effort. I wouldn't know how to do it constructively anyway, so I'm not about to try. What a mess that would be!

Anyway, I really just want to move on. I'm not sure I trust her anymore at this point, as I have a strong suspision that she cheated on me. This time away has me realizing, too, that I think she told me tall tales on a somewhat regular basis, and that her character is not as admirable and strong as I once believed it was. I won't even go into the dynamics and details of that! Either way, I'm not strong enough emotionally to maintain a relationship with someone who has this disorder, as sad as that makes me, along with the sadness I feel for the loss of the girl that I loved so dearly and thought I knew so well. The Dr Jekyll her, that is. Obviously, Mr Hyde drove me away. I know I have my own issues that contributed to the demise of the relationship, too, and that they'll just follow me into the next one, so I want to get some healing and understanding of our past and for my future.

Thanks for your time and help, and I'm sorry to be so long winded!

[jhkbuzz]

I hope you all are having a great day today!

There are so many books reviewed, and they all look good, but I can't figure out which one would be best for my situation

I broke up with my former fiance (I'm 99.9999% sure she has BPD) last October and I'm still trying to get past the pain and confusion, even this far down the road. We were together a total of almost five years. I think about her everyday, along with the baffling  issues and behavior that plagued the relationship, and I just can't seem to move on. I haven't contacted her since early November, as my mind says "move on", but my heart says "If I had I stayed could the relationship have been salvaged with all the information and knowledge I've gained about BPD since ending it with her?".

I've been getting counseling since then and it's helping. My therapist has helped me to understand the great difficulties of trying to maintain a relationship with her, especially since she will in no way shape or form acknowledge that she has anything more than just the depression, anxiety disorder, and OCD she's been diagnosed with and takes medication for. I've never approached or confronted her with the possibility that she might have BPD, but, knowing how controlling and stubborn she is, I know that would be wasted effort. I wouldn't know how to do it constructively anyway, so I'm not about to try. What a mess that would be!

Anyway, I really just want to move on. I'm not sure I trust her anymore at this point, as I have a strong suspision that she cheated on me. This time away has me realizing, too, that I think she told me tall tales on a somewhat regular basis, and that her character is not as admirable and strong as I once believed it was. I won't even go into the dynamics and details of that! Either way, I'm not strong enough emotionally to maintain a relationship with someone who has this disorder, as sad as that makes me, along with the sadness I feel for the loss of the girl that I loved so dearly and thought I knew so well. The Dr Jekyll her, that is. Obviously, Mr Hyde drove me away. I know I have my own issues that contributed to the demise of the relationship, too, and that they'll just follow me into the next one, so I want to get some healing and understanding of our past and for my future.

Thanks for your time and help, and I'm sorry to be so long winded!

There's a whole lot of reading suggestions on this website - take a look!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0

[proust1986]

I hope you all are having a great day today!

There are so many books reviewed, and they all look good, but I can't figure out which one would be best for my situation

I broke up with my former fiance (I'm 99.9999% sure she has BPD) last October and I'm still trying to get past the pain and confusion, even this far down the road. We were together a total of almost five years. I think about her everyday, along with the baffling  issues and behavior that plagued the relationship, and I just can't seem to move on. I haven't contacted her since early November, as my mind says "move on", but my heart says "If I had I stayed could the relationship have been salvaged with all the information and knowledge I've gained about BPD since ending it with her?".

I've been getting counseling since then and it's helping. My therapist has helped me to understand the great difficulties of trying to maintain a relationship with her, especially since she will in no way shape or form acknowledge that she has anything more than just the depression, anxiety disorder, and OCD she's been diagnosed with and takes medication for. I've never approached or confronted her with the possibility that she might have BPD, but, knowing how controlling and stubborn she is, I know that would be wasted effort. I wouldn't know how to do it constructively anyway, so I'm not about to try. What a mess that would be!

Anyway, I really just want to move on. I'm not sure I trust her anymore at this point, as I have a strong suspision that she cheated on me. This time away has me realizing, too, that I think she told me tall tales on a somewhat regular basis, and that her character is not as admirable and strong as I once believed it was. I won't even go into the dynamics and details of that! Either way, I'm not strong enough emotionally to maintain a relationship with someone who has this disorder, as sad as that makes me, along with the sadness I feel for the loss of the girl that I loved so dearly and thought I knew so well. The Dr Jekyll her, that is. Obviously, Mr Hyde drove me away. I know I have my own issues that contributed to the demise of the relationship, too, and that they'll just follow me into the next one, so I want to get some healing and understanding of our past and for my future.

Thanks for your time and help, and I'm sorry to be so long winded!

I've found the following books to be the most helpful for me (now four months since breakup with ex dBPDgf):

1. Jeffrey Young, Reinventing Your Life

2. Susan Elliott, Getting Past Your Breakup

3. Susan Anderson, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing

4. Steven Hayes, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

In addition to these books I'm also seeing a schema therapist who specializes in dealing with pwBPD and their loved ones.

All the best in your recovery!

[SSJ0603]

I hope you all are having a great day today!

There are so many books reviewed, and they all look good, but I can't figure out which one would be best for my situation

I broke up with my former fiance (I'm 99.9999% sure she has BPD) last October and I'm still trying to get past the pain and confusion, even this far down the road. We were together a total of almost five years. I think about her everyday, along with the baffling  issues and behavior that plagued the relationship, and I just can't seem to move on. I haven't contacted her since early November, as my mind says "move on", but my heart says "If I had I stayed could the relationship have been salvaged with all the information and knowledge I've gained about BPD since ending it with her?".

I've been getting counseling since then and it's helping. My therapist has helped me to understand the great difficulties of trying to maintain a relationship with her, especially since she will in no way shape or form acknowledge that she has anything more than just the depression, anxiety disorder, and OCD she's been diagnosed with and takes medication for. I've never approached or confronted her with the possibility that she might have BPD, but, knowing how controlling and stubborn she is, I know that would be wasted effort. I wouldn't know how to do it constructively anyway, so I'm not about to try. What a mess that would be!

Anyway, I really just want to move on. I'm not sure I trust her anymore at this point, as I have a strong suspision that she cheated on me. This time away has me realizing, too, that I think she told me tall tales on a somewhat regular basis, and that her character is not as admirable and strong as I once believed it was. I won't even go into the dynamics and details of that! Either way, I'm not strong enough emotionally to maintain a relationship with someone who has this disorder, as sad as that makes me, along with the sadness I feel for the loss of the girl that I loved so dearly and thought I knew so well. The Dr Jekyll her, that is. Obviously, Mr Hyde drove me away. I know I have my own issues that contributed to the demise of the relationship, too, and that they'll just follow me into the next one, so I want to get some healing and understanding of our past and for my future.

Thanks for your time and help, and I'm sorry to be so long winded!

I've found the following books to be the most helpful for me (now four months since breakup with ex dBPDgf):

1. Jeffrey Young, Reinventing Your Life

2. Susan Elliott, Getting Past Your Breakup

3. Susan Anderson, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing

4. Steven Hayes, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

In addition to these books I'm also seeing a schema therapist who specializes in dealing with pwBPD and their loved ones.

All the best in your recovery!

Thanks for the suggestions! I certainly appreciate it and will look those up. I looked up user reviews of all those listed under recommended books on this site, but that just confused me more in trying to figure out what to read!

By the way, what is a schema therapist?

[jhkbuzz]

Schema Therapy, developed by Jeffrey Young, was probably the most helpful thing I've found in deciphering the chaos that my exBPDgf caused... .

For a description: www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm

Be sure to check out the Schema modes: www.schematherapy.com/id61.htm and www.schematherapy.com/id72.htm