Thanks suzn. I did go back and read my first posts as you suggested. What hit me the hardest was the date of my first post. Have I really been dealing with this stuff that long was all I could think. It was an eye opener. Thank you for suggesting it.
We broke up at the beginning of October so we have been apart 4-5 months. She already had my replacement lined up. I do wonder if I am wrong about her. Part of me wants to be... .I would like to believe this is all a bad dream. But it's reality. It is just scary ... .the thought that maybe it is me. I see her so happy and I am struggling and rebuilding myself so it's hard not to think maybe it was me. I know I played a part and I am working on it but it scares me that I am the defective one.
You know, early on I wondered if she might,or might not be BPD. She is a mental health professional herself and her behavior didn't seem "crazy" until the last 4 yrs together. Even then her rages were rarely directed at me. I always figured she had trouble handling stress. And honestly, she always seemed to be a glass half empty kind of person, always thinking about the bad of something instead of seeing the good.
She and I were together 9.5 yrs, knew one another 10. We were a lesbian couple, went thru family deaths, family births, her divorce,a custody battle with her exH, 5 different jobs for her, raising her toddler sons to Jr. Hi age, and even thru the economic crisis of 2008 when I lost a ton of money. I would have argued we were a strong-bonded couple and that we would talk and make our way thru any problem.
She sent a type written note in a birthday card to me last August telling me that she had been dating men all summer. And that the custody battle had been a life-altering experience for her and that she and her sons were going down a different path. She also told me I had been a good "friend." There was no discussion with me about this prior to the note, and I have come to learn that she actually began "interviews" for my replacement back as early as the first of April, after suffering a serious blow in the custody battle. She didn't lose custody, but her attorney was a pile of crap. I had suggested on two separate occassions she change lawyers, but she insisted the woman was one of the best in town. Digressing, I've come to learn that her lawyer's brother also a lawyer in the same town was put in jail for 10 yrs last fall for 'stealing' money from his clients. He would keep extending his client's court dates to get more money off of them. Interestingly, my ex's lawyer did the same thing. But I digress.
After my exgf scapegoated me over the gauntlet down phone call I gave her when I received the card in August, I googled "ex scapegoats me" and found link after link about BPD and NPD. My ex seemed to be a totally reasonable person. I am completely baffled how she is even out of my life to this day. I have determined no sane person tells someone they love that they are leaving in a typed note in a birthday card no less, then turns around and gives them the silent treatment for being upset about it. At least not one they were with for 9.5 yrs. Furthermore, how someone can love someone so much, purportedly, and then not even discuss wanting to leave and finding a replacement before they're even gone is nothing short of lunacy.
If her actions make no sense then It has to be something else. Caring, sane people don't treat others the way she has treated me. Sadly, I have determined and my therapist agrees, she may be mentally ill.
