Progress can have it's moments of sadness

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

[anxiety5]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

[GrowThroughIt]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

Hey,

I know how you feel.

Hold tight for about 45mins and I'll hopefully give you the mother of all replies! Until then stay strong. 

[JRT]

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

Yes... .this evening for sure... .one of the worst nights after the b/u... .its been 5 months... .I had a huge win with my job... .one that I had I been with a SO I would have been celebrating all weekend... .instead, being all alone, I went out to the local bar and sat alone watching people there with friends and lovers enjoying themselves... .I saw an old man much older than me sitting across the bar bar himself and it petrified me that I am just a younger version of him at 48... .it petrified me even more that I will be him... .

It was all going so well... .

[GrowThroughIt]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

I feel this at times. Tonight was one of those times. You wake up earlier than you planned to (like 4 hours earlier!) and you can't fall back to sleep. The silence closes in on you. The feeling of emptiness consumes you. You replay things over and over again. You're awake, but you feel like you are still asleep in an unpleasant dream (not necessarily a nightmare, we have too much insight into ourselves and ex partner to feel that bad!). "This can't be happening to me... .But it is. Why is this happening to me?" You rack your brains for the answer. You know the saying 'Nice guys finish last.' Sure they finish last, but at least they finish! This emptiness seems to not want to finish!

Anxeity5, I think we feel like this because, we are left to our own thoughts and feelings, the worst thing about that? We have answers. We don't like the answers. We don't like that we have to contend with these answers whilst our ex goes through life ignoring these answers. The hollowness of N/BPD gets to us. Like you said, we know there are sharks out there. Sure we knew beforehand, but we got bitten by one! No one ever thinks they will get bitten. We have to resign ourselves to the fact that, we gave so much! We gave so much but all we are left with are our thoughts. We know all of this yet we just can't seem to answer that one final question, why me? Am I stupid? Am I too soft? Will I get bitten again? If I was so wrong about someone this time, how do I know I won't be next time?

Our judgement is called into question. For those on this board that is a harrowing experience, because everyone on this board is intelligent. But you know, intelligence doesn't come into it. Our emotional needs came into it. We allowed ourselves to be sold this dream, because we've chased that dream all our life. So to look as if we are within touching distance of that dream only for reality to hit, is hard. It will leave behind a deafening silence. A deafening silence broken occasionally by the echoes of the past. The echoes which leave us feeling empty, because we can hear it reverberate within us.

We have so much insight now after this relationship. We have what we believe to be the answers to our ex's problems. So occasionally we revert back to the 'Knight in Shining Armour' mentality, we relate our ex's need for help to our own need for help as children/teenagers. We feel sorry for that little girl who acts like an adult who has felt like a victim all her life. But we have to accept that we ourselves are adults, who do not have a responsibility to adults who have the emotional maturity of a child. Unfortunately, they are left by the wayside. But how can we leave someone we loved by the wayside? Easy, they elected to stay there, we chose to keep moving forwards. We want to impart this wisdom. And even if we did or do, it is not really taken on board as we believe it should be. Everyone grows at different rates. The right person for you is the one that grows at the same rate and is in the same place (or slightly behind or even slightly ahead.)

The silence will go, along with the emptiness when we find ourselves again. Our partners drained us of our fully formed self, just to feel whole. We need to get that fully formed self back. And we will, but only by looking forward and moving forward. Which you are doing. We just have to accept that we have nights/days of emptiness. But ultimately, only we can once again feel that emptiness up with someone much better than before.

I'm not sure if this post helped you. If it hasn't then I'm sorry for wasting your time! I may be wrong about what I have written out here, but these are just my thoughts.

Stay strong. We are much stronger and better than our ex's ever gave us credit for!

[anxiety5]

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

Yes... .this evening for sure... .one of the worst nights after the b/u... .its been 5 months... .I had a huge win with my job... .one that I had I been with a SO I would have been celebrating all weekend... .instead, being all alone, I went out to the local bar and sat alone watching people there with friends and lovers enjoying themselves... .I saw an old man much older than me sitting across the bar bar himself and it petrified me that I am just a younger version of him at 48... .it petrified me even more that I will be him... .

It was all going so well... .

I know how you feel. Congrats on your work success. I'm trying to put some of these things I have learned into action. I think we are entitled to a night. I don't know about you, but one of my personal challenges is to start paying attention to how I feel rather than brain screwing everything. To not ignore those feelings. To accept that they suck and you can't think your way out of it. So, I'm forgiving myself and I hope you do too. Let us remember how far we have come rather than be reminded how long the journey will be. Who knows? Maybe if you were still with her, the focus on your job win would have caused some sabotage style attempt by her to not let you feel too good about yourself. And perhaps I wouldn't be complaining about deafening silence, if I were still with her and she were giving me her random silent treatment or picking a fight like she did so many times. I'd welcome defining silence on those nights.

I guess we are here for a reason. But I'm trying to remind myself that where I'm at is far away from where I was. It's like a long interstate with two large metro areas on either end. We are headed to that place, we're just in that crappy spot in between where your gas light is on, there's no exit for 20 miles, all you see are pine trees, and you get no cell coverage

Nights like this are a test my friend. They really are. We need to be ok with us. We need to be the source of our own joy. And if we have a bad night, than just don't let it become two. That's my goal.

If I were in that restaurant tonight, I would have bought you a beer or 10. Celebrated your success, and we could have traded war stories. That's the great thing about this forum. Whenever you feel alone, we really couldn't be more wrong.

Be well, and again, congrats!

[GrowThroughIt]

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

Yes... .this evening for sure... .one of the worst nights after the b/u... .its been 5 months... .I had a huge win with my job... .one that I had I been with a SO I would have been celebrating all weekend... .instead, being all alone, I went out to the local bar and sat alone watching people there with friends and lovers enjoying themselves... .I saw an old man much older than me sitting across the bar bar himself and it petrified me that I am just a younger version of him at 48... .it petrified me even more that I will be him... .

It was all going so well... .

No. I do not accept that deafest attitude.

Let me tell you why.

You've got through 5 months so far. Most people can't. Most people run back any way they can.

You had a big win at your job? Well fricking done! You had that win WITHOUT a SO!

How do you know you'll be that lonely old guy in 15 years time? If you resign yourself to that life, then yes you will be. But why resign yourself to that life? Screw it man! Write your own fricking destiny!

Things were going so well? Guess what? They still are! You're still here. You're still living! At least you was sitting AT the bar and not UNDER it, inebriated with nothing going for you! You still had a win at your job!

Tough love, but I have to say it how I see it. Stop with the deafest attitude and take back YOUR life. You can make it whole and give it some meaning. And you can do that without a SO!

Stay strong man.  

[anxiety5]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

I feel this at times. Tonight was one of those times. You wake up earlier than you planned to (like 4 hours earlier!) and you can't fall back to sleep. The silence closes in on you. The feeling of emptiness consumes you. You replay things over and over again. You're awake, but you feel like you are still asleep in an unpleasant dream (not necessarily a nightmare, we have too much insight into ourselves and ex partner to feel that bad!). "This can't be happening to me... .But it is. Why is this happening to me?" You rack your brains for the answer. You know the saying 'Nice guys finish last.' Sure they finish last, but at least they finish! This emptiness seems to not want to finish!

Anxeity5, I think we feel like this because, we are left to our own thoughts and feelings, the worst thing about that? We have answers. We don't like the answers. We don't like that we have to contend with these answers whilst our ex goes through life ignoring these answers. The hollowness of N/BPD gets to us. Like you said, we know there are sharks out there. Sure we knew beforehand, but we got bitten by one! No one ever thinks they will get bitten. We have to resign ourselves to the fact that, we gave so much! We gave so much but all we are left with are our thoughts. We know all of this yet we just can't seem to answer that one final question, why me? Am I stupid? Am I too soft? Will I get bitten again? If I was so wrong about someone this time, how do I know I won't be next time?

Our judgement is called into question. For those on this board that is a harrowing experience, because everyone on this board is intelligent. But you know, intelligence doesn't come into it. Our emotional needs came into it. We allowed ourselves to be sold this dream, because we've chased that dream all our life. So to look as if we are within touching distance of that dream only for reality to hit, is hard. It will leave behind a deafening silence. A deafening silence broken occasionally by the echoes of the past. The echoes which leave us feeling empty, because we can hear it reverberate within us.

We have so much insight now after this relationship. We have what we believe to be the answers to our ex's problems. So occasionally we revert back to the 'Knight in Shining Armour' mentality, we relate our ex's need for help to our own need for help as children/teenagers. We feel sorry for that little girl who acts like an adult who has felt like a victim all her life. But we have to accept that we ourselves are adults, who do not have a responsibility to adults who have the emotional maturity of a child. Unfortunately, they are left by the wayside. But how can we leave someone we loved by the wayside? Easy, they elected to stay there, we chose to keep moving forwards. We want to impart this wisdom. And even if we did or do, it is not really taken on board as we believe it should be. Everyone grows at different rates. The right person for you is the one that grows at the same rate and is in the same place (or slightly behind or even slightly ahead.)

The silence will go, along with the emptiness when we find ourselves again. Our partners drained us of our fully formed self, just to feel whole. We need to get that fully formed self back. And we will, but only by looking forward and moving forward. Which you are doing. We just have to accept that we have nights/days of emptiness. But ultimately, only we can once again feel that emptiness up with someone much better than before.

I'm not sure if this post helped you. If it hasn't then I'm sorry for wasting your time! I may be wrong about what I have written out here, but these are just my thoughts.

Stay strong. We are much stronger and better than our ex's ever gave us credit for!

You most certainly did not waste my time. I can't thank you enough and you are exactly right. It all makes me feel really dumb. Like if you got one of those travel vouchers in the mail that promises a free cruise and despite everyone warning you, you end up trying it out and find out all the warnings went down exactly the way they told you they would go down.

I read everything about these relationships when in the midst of it. Sometimes though, when you read something, despite comprehending it, you don't really understand it until you go through it. It's kind of like how you know all the words to some song on the radio, but only after some break up, or loss in life, one day as you sing along to them you realize how they suddenly make perfect sense and aren't simply words anymore.

What I'm experiencing right now, is the part where you grieve for the false persona you fell for. The mirage. You grieve the loss of the false hope, the manipulated fake person. The emptiness is the realization that they never existed and the stupidity is realizing you did not heed the warnings as you read this exact thing months ago. I just didn't understand it at the time, despite comprehending the words.

I appreciate your words, and you are so right, it will pass. I don't miss her. That little twang you get in your gut when someone is toxic, goes off to such a deafening level, that whenever I even see a car that resembles hers I feel it. I could NEVER go back to her, the love I had for her is simply gone. I'm not sure if it was ever there now that the addiction has been broken.

But I digress, I may not see it now, but I see the opportunity I've been given. It's better to be wounded and an active participant in my healing than if I had avoided the relationship and were alone, content and unaware of my tendencies, the red flags and all the other million things I've learned about myself over the past year and a half.

I've been put into a spot where I have no option other than to get it right this time and that's why I'm putting in the work. I just have to remember that the payoff will come even if I can't see it or fathom it yet.

[jhkbuzz]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

I feel this at times. Tonight was one of those times. You wake up earlier than you planned to (like 4 hours earlier!) and you can't fall back to sleep. The silence closes in on you. The feeling of emptiness consumes you. You replay things over and over again. You're awake, but you feel like you are still asleep in an unpleasant dream (not necessarily a nightmare, we have too much insight into ourselves and ex partner to feel that bad!). "This can't be happening to me... .But it is. Why is this happening to me?" You rack your brains for the answer. You know the saying 'Nice guys finish last.' Sure they finish last, but at least they finish! This emptiness seems to not want to finish!

Anxeity5, I think we feel like this because, we are left to our own thoughts and feelings, the worst thing about that? We have answers. We don't like the answers. We don't like that we have to contend with these answers whilst our ex goes through life ignoring these answers. The hollowness of N/BPD gets to us. Like you said, we know there are sharks out there. Sure we knew beforehand, but we got bitten by one! No one ever thinks they will get bitten. We have to resign ourselves to the fact that, we gave so much! We gave so much but all we are left with are our thoughts. We know all of this yet we just can't seem to answer that one final question, why me? Am I stupid? Am I too soft? Will I get bitten again? If I was so wrong about someone this time, how do I know I won't be next time?

Our judgement is called into question. For those on this board that is a harrowing experience, because everyone on this board is intelligent. But you know, intelligence doesn't come into it. Our emotional needs came into it. We allowed ourselves to be sold this dream, because we've chased that dream all our life. So to look as if we are within touching distance of that dream only for reality to hit, is hard. It will leave behind a deafening silence. A deafening silence broken occasionally by the echoes of the past. The echoes which leave us feeling empty, because we can hear it reverberate within us.

We have so much insight now after this relationship. We have what we believe to be the answers to our ex's problems. So occasionally we revert back to the 'Knight in Shining Armour' mentality, we relate our ex's need for help to our own need for help as children/teenagers. We feel sorry for that little girl who acts like an adult who has felt like a victim all her life. But we have to accept that we ourselves are adults, who do not have a responsibility to adults who have the emotional maturity of a child. Unfortunately, they are left by the wayside. But how can we leave someone we loved by the wayside? Easy, they elected to stay there, we chose to keep moving forwards. We want to impart this wisdom. And even if we did or do, it is not really taken on board as we believe it should be. Everyone grows at different rates. The right person for you is the one that grows at the same rate and is in the same place (or slightly behind or even slightly ahead.)

The silence will go, along with the emptiness when we find ourselves again. Our partners drained us of our fully formed self, just to feel whole. We need to get that fully formed self back. And we will, but only by looking forward and moving forward. Which you are doing. We just have to accept that we have nights/days of emptiness. But ultimately, only we can once again feel that emptiness up with someone much better than before.

I'm not sure if this post helped you. If it hasn't then I'm sorry for wasting your time! I may be wrong about what I have written out here, but these are just my thoughts.

Stay strong. We are much stronger and better than our ex's ever gave us credit for!

You most certainly did not waste my time. I can't thank you enough and you are exactly right. It all makes me feel really dumb. Like if you got one of those travel vouchers in the mail that promises a free cruise and despite everyone warning you, you end up trying it out and find out all the warnings went down exactly the way they told you they would go down.

I read everything about these relationships when in the midst of it. Sometimes though, when you read something, despite comprehending it, you don't really understand it until you go through it. It's kind of like how you know all the words to some song on the radio, but only after some break up, or loss in life, one day as you sing along to them you realize how they suddenly make perfect sense and aren't simply words anymore.

What I'm experiencing right now, is the part where you grieve for the false persona you fell for. The mirage. You grieve the loss of the false hope, the manipulated fake person. The emptiness is the realization that they never existed and the stupidity is realizing you did not heed the warnings as you read this exact thing months ago. I just didn't understand it at the time, despite comprehending the words.

I appreciate your words, and you are so right, it will pass. I don't miss her. That little twang you get in your gut when someone is toxic, goes off to such a deafening level, that whenever I even see a car that resembles hers I feel it. I could NEVER go back to her, the love I had for her is simply gone. I'm not sure if it was ever there now that the addiction has been broken.

But I digress, I may not see it now, but I see the opportunity I've been given. It's better to be wounded and an active participant in my healing than if I had avoided the relationship and were alone, content and unaware of my tendencies, the red flags and all the other million things I've learned about myself over the past year and a half.

I've been put into a spot where I have no option other than to get it right this time and that's why I'm putting in the work. I just have to remember that the payoff will come even if I can't see it or fathom it yet.

This is an amazing thread, guys... .choked me up.  You're both so spot on there are about a 15 different things I could respond to... .suffice to say that I could have written all of your posts myself.

I like the analogy... .right now our lives feel like a journey, but we're between destinations in the middle of nowhere and the gas light comes on - that's exactly what it feels like.

And I too am in the middle of digesting the stunning realization that this person that I thought I knew, that I loved, that I looked up to in many ways, who I thought was truly one of the most wonderful people I'd ever met - was capable of such cruelty, such deceit, such callousness. I understand it's the disorder - but as I see it more and more clearly every day it simply blows my mind.

I read a quote recently:  "I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people - to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole." - Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall.  Whew, yeah.

And if I'm being honest, it's a little scary to realize that all of my happiness, peace and wholeness is on ME - I can't find that in someone else. That's what got me in this spot in the first place.

Thanks for all your posts.

[Sunfl0wer]

And if I'm being honest, it's a little scary to realize that all of my happiness, peace and wholeness is on ME - I can't find that in someone else. That's what got me in this spot in the first place.

This whole thread, all of it is great!   

There is nothing more for me to add.  I'm just posting so that I can have a way to come back to it to reread as as I learn, digest, move through my own journey.  (Feel free to PM me if there is a way to save posts)

Thank you all!

[Narina]

Yes, I feel that all the time. Like many others, I too could have written that. I felt each word. I find there is no warning when the emptiness hits, but night is usually the worst. In the silence, when I feel a tear run down my cheek, I say, no, not again! I try and stop it most times, but sometimes I resign myself to just grieve. I wish there was a magic pill to stop it, to heal all the damage he has done.

Even if I am happy you all shared, I am deeply sorry that you all understand this, that you have lived this too. Be kind to yourself. ... .That train will get to a different destination. You must believe that.

[christin5433]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

This was my first read today, I like what ur heart has said here. The denial of anything closure, apology, anything that you would expect from a sensible person that you built a life w and shared it. Whether 1 year or 10. It's not gonna happen w pwBpd / NPD. They are contempt , irrational in blaming , I really don't know why or what  ?  I need to just pick up my heart which I have and keep healing from the BPDmess

[BorisAcusio]

And I too am in the middle of digesting the stunning realization that this person that I thought I knew, that I loved, that I looked up to in many ways, who I thought was truly one of the most wonderful people I'd ever met - was capable of such cruelty, such deceit, such callousness. I understand it's the disorder - but as I see it more and more clearly every day it simply blows my mind.

I read a quote recently:  "I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people - to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole." - Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall.  Whew, yeah.

I can relate to that, jhkbuzz. Putting together the puzzle in the aftermath, it's shocking to see and comprehend to what degree our exes were lacking in integrity, concern for others and morality.

A conversation recently popped up in my mind where she was discussing an affair of hers, and she had many dirty "secrets" to tell. They were both in a commited relationship, the guy's girlfriend was pregnant. It went on for months, they were just having sex in a motel, when he got an urgent call to rush to hospital because his girlfriend was about to give birth to his son.

She had no problem with that. Absolutely disgusting and unfortunately not even the worst. Putting up with this in the first place really showed that I needed a life lesson.

[Jack2727]

Good morning!

This thread really resonates with me because I feel exactly the same way this morning. I'm sitting here looking out the window at this frozen lake. It's frickin cold, again... .This has been winter of no end for us. Today marks the eight week mark in my hellish journey.

56 days!

It's been 56 days since I was dropped. It's been 56 days where I have had to deal with many unanswered questions. Shame, guilt, self-loathing, loneliness. I think about her. As I am sure an afterthought in her mind. As I am sure as I pen this piece she is indeed lying in bed with my replacement. I think to myself, does she ever feel the guilt for the hurt and pain that she has caused me? Does she?

There are moments where I want to pick up the phone, call or text her, and let her know how angry, mad, sad, pissed off, you name it for what she has done to me. But everytime I think about doing that one thing floats into my mind and stops me.

It won't matter!

See, I could write her like this, tell her all the things that I want to but it won't change her and what she has done to me. She made her choice. She planned her choice. And the only bit of self respect I do have is to keep NC because SOMEDAY when the sun is shining again and the temperatures are warm, I, will be the one smiling and doing well. Because, see ladies and gents, history tends to repeat itself.

But still, like so many of you, I have more questions than answers... .I want the answers but I know in order to get them I would have to find out from her. And... .the truth is only my ex and God know the whole truth. And she has to live with that... .

It's hard though and I totally empathize with you all. As I sit here I think about the time I lost and the process I'm going through to become whole again. I think the hardest thing for me is to realize that I am who I am. I want a beautiful life, a happy ending, silver lining. I want to life I see so many people have. A beautiful woman who I am her world and her everything. Someone who she is proud of. Someone who she recognizes their worth.

Someone... .

Instead I have this to deal with. Memories... .Memories of moments that will never return. Memories of someone whose vision burns a hole in my soul. Someone who I wanted to marry someday. Someone who couldn't love me and couldn't love herself. Someone who destroyed my world. Someone who is gone.

I sit here on the last day of February, like many of you, a wounded warrior. Trying to make sense of all of this. Trying to find the courage and strength to look for a silver lining... .

Peace to you all!

[nickoftime]

Anxiety5 you described so well what we all go through during the healing process.  I have moved on from my failed relationship with my BPDex that ended last October.  I hope I can offer words of encouragement and be an inspiration that you too will get past this.

I remember weeks after weeks of sadness and then you finally have your first day where you feel actually somewhat better, and your outlook is brighter, and you believe for the first time you are better off without your BPDex in your life.  Then a week or two later you have a little more block of time where you feel better again.  And for me that brought on a new kind of of sadness.  A sadness because I realized I was starting to let go.  Instead of embracing this revelation it made me sad in a much different way.  

KnowThyself nailed it why I was sad when I started to let go. We now have insight and have identified the problem!  Once you identify any problem you can go about fixing it!  But we can't fix this one.  The circumstances of the breakup have left us with nothing to work with.  We have no other choice but to walk away to heal ourselves and leave our ex by "the wayside".  I was sad because I saw I was going to be able to let go one day.

This may seem like a setback for you but it's part of making progress. I'd say you're right on target.

[christin5433]

Boris I hear you mine loved gossip ... I get we all like some stories we hear but it seemed she liked the drama of this type of gossip the judgement of it.

The superiority of someone's bad decision and yet she never like to discuss the lesson or the resolve of a situation rather focus on the problem. I think it made her feel better as a person to here when others had reckless behaviors or either they were not that bad. I guess I am the type that liked to understand we are human and we can learn or remove ourselves from these situations and try to be there if we were asked. She seemed propelled to want to dive into these situations which I would not want to even touch. Especially w our own problems that seemed surmountable ... .I thought this was like being a drama starter or engager. If I told her I didn't want to get involved I was controlling her natural desire. I really don't care now she and I are not together over 2 months I am in much peace other than my own grief w is my own life struggle . I talk w people who have strong lives and help me stay away from others drama and I think in the long run I will be ok staying out of misery. Misery loves company that's not what I desire. I'd like to live being helpful and not producing chaos . Integrity has been a quality I use to possess but in my r/s that was compromised due to all abuse I let happen to me I let myself be treated un kind in fair and now I'm learning again baby steps to treat myself better . My b/u was her cruelest gesture but hey why would she do differently I accepted abuse ?

[BorisAcusio]

Boris I hear you mine loved gossip ... I get we all like some stories we hear but it seemed she liked the drama of this type of gossip the judgement of it.

The superiority of someone's bad decision and yet she never like to discuss the lesson or the resolve of a situation rather focus on the problem. I think it made her feel better as a person to here when others had reckless behaviors or either they were not that bad. I guess I am the type that liked to understand we are human and we can learn or remove ourselves from these situations and try to be there if we were asked. She seemed propelled to want to dive into these situations which I would not want to even touch. Especially w our own problems that seemed surmountable ... .I thought this was like being a drama starter or engager. If I told her I didn't want to get involved I was controlling her natural desire. I really don't care now she and I are not together over 2 months I am in much peace other than my own grief w is my own life struggle . I talk w people who have strong lives and help me stay away from others drama and I think in the long run I will be ok staying out of misery. Misery loves company that's not what I desire. I'd like to live being helpful and not producing chaos . Integrity has been a quality I use to possess but in my r/s that was compromised due to all abuse I let happen to me I let myself be treated un kind in fair and now I'm learning again baby steps to treat myself better . My b/u was her cruelest gesture but hey why would she do differently I accepted abuse ?

The first two months are usually hardest.

They not just love to be on the receiving end of the gossips - I guess it is some kind of pseudo-life for them - but making up ones and spreading them when being vengeful for perceived or real slights. All that drama is finally gone.

There is an immense room for growth, and that's the real gift of relationship. I think most of us would never have willingly addressed these issues if we haven't met our BPDexes.

[anxiety5]

Anxiety5 you described so well what we all go through during the healing process.  I have moved on from my failed relationship with my BPDex that ended last October.  I hope I can offer words of encouragement and be an inspiration that you too will get past this.

I remember weeks after weeks of sadness and then you finally have your first day where you feel actually somewhat better, and your outlook is brighter, and you believe for the first time you are better off without your BPDex in your life.  Then a week or two later you have a little more block of time where you feel better again.  And for me that brought on a new kind of of sadness.  A sadness because I realized I was starting to let go.  Instead of embracing this revelation it made me sad in a much different way.  

KnowThyself nailed it why I was sad when I started to let go. We now have insight and have identified the problem!  Once you identify any problem you can go about fixing it!  But we can't fix this one.  The circumstances of the breakup have left us with nothing to work with.  We have no other choice but to walk away to heal ourselves and leave our ex by "the wayside".  I was sad because I saw I was going to be able to let go one day.

This may seem like a setback for you but it's part of making progress. I'd say you're right on target.

Really good points here. And thank you for your words of encouragement. You know, I realized that myself quite recently but you explain it really well here. Many of us are fixers, rescuers, and eternal optimists. We held on, we over invested and we ended up getting hurt.  The hardest thing in the World for me is to leave unfinished business. Up until this point in my life I would have labeled that quitting, not being stoic, and not loving unconditionally.

Therein lies some of the most important lessons I've ever learned. You are right, there was no option but to walk away. That is exactly what I did. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's been the foundation of change for me. The old me would have rather hung on until she left me first. I'd rather go down with the ship.  This time around I got off first. It wasn't some contest or ego salvaging move. We hit a road block months ago and things started to spiral downward. I felt like I was being downgraded slowly into a hook up call. That in itself is really bizarre given the intensity and closeness of our relationship prior to this.

I requested time to talk. She could never accommodate me.

I would try to bring it up at the right time when we were together. She'd deflect it.

I'd mention how much I care about her and want our relationship to be better for both of us.

She would never have those talks.

There was a moment where I just said, ok. She's given me all the answers I need. What's left to say? And I left.

Walking away was an incredibly difficult thing for me. What may not be a challenge for others, was for me one of the hardest things I've ever done. You can't quit something where your the only person trying. You can't fail at something when you give it your all, are willing to compromise and have a genuine desire to make things right only to be met with silence. You can't have a relationship that only works one way. You can't maintain a relationship with complete imbalance and no reciprocity.

I saw where this was heading. I walked away. I put myself first for once.  

There is no honor in refusing to quit something that's hurting you. In fact it says more about self loathing than anything else. 

Leaving this by doing something very out of character for me was the first lesson to myself that I have learned, I have grown and that I do have the courage, capacity and will to make positive changes in my life.

[Suzn]

Great thread. There can be no progress without sadness. Sadness is part of grieving and if we don't take the time to experience it then we don't truly grieve. Therefore we would inevitably carry it, one way or another, into our next relationship.

Life is full of ups and downs as a rule. We don't want to avoid the downs as this would be selling yourself short in healing fully and becoming emotionally available. Not only for future romantic relationships but for relationships in general.

[apple2]

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

Anxiety,

I understand your feeling. Thanks for your last threads which gives me the right perspective to look back at my own story. It is hard to accept being used and abused. However, there was also zero respect for me in my relationship. Sometimes I was still sad, while other times, I felt disgusting, how can I lose my boundaries and taste all those.

I was also taught the idea of unconditional love. Always forget the wrong record of the other, forgive, persist. I thought so. But the basis of that is the other person should be righteous, should have a kind heart, should know how to be thankful, should at least have basic life understanding and moral.

I was in love with the "false" him, which was created in my imagination. I loved the way we hugged, the weekends we spent with each other, the exciting things we did... .The city is not big enough for not touching the memory. But that person I loved does not exist. I have to admit it. I cannot cheat myself. Or, the one I loved is dead.  

I also don't want to see him again, nor to have him back. Because the one I loved can't be back. In the end, the more I talked to him, the more I felt I was a tool. I prefer to keep some good memory at least.

Maybe the eagerness to love someone and feel loved dragged me so long in this story and made me lose all boundaries.

Recently, I read a biography. The author said, relationship should be a plus, not a must.

I think I need to first fill my own emptiness. "With a relationship we would be happy, without we would also be happy". This status may help me to always keep my boundaries, because I would be no more afraid of losing the dating partner, and would make the right and healthy decision. If I need to find someone to fill the hole in my heart, then there would be no difference between me and my ex. And a good relationship should be one between two complete persons.

I know it's hard. I am also on my way. I asked my T, "I understand I should focus on myself. I am doing everything I can, still I think about the old story.I feel lonely and empty. What should I do?" The T answered me, "keep doing the right things. You will see your change after time passes by."

 There are more good people who are attractive, beautiful, smart, gentle... .and can love back in this world than BPD/NPDs.  After we are healed, we will find the right one.

[anxiety5]

Let me preface this by saying, I'm doing well. I'm maintaining NC and I'm going to a counselor weekly to ensure I continue making progress in recovering from this relationship.

I don't miss her. What she became was so foreign, I no longer knew her.

I don't want her back. No apology or promise could erase what happened. The truth behind the mask.

I know I'm better off without her. I have accepted there never was going to be a magic ending.

I'm doing the work to heal and to move on. I'm grateful for everything I've learned about myself.

I'm hopeful about the future. I'm going to have the life I want. And leaving her was the path to it.

Despite all these known truths.

I'm sad tonight. I'm not sure why.

As I detach more, as the last of the fog lifts, and as I see the fact that the entire relationship was never the way I saw it, I still can't help but feel an emptiness.

I don't know if it's withdrawal from so much ruminating, the more things calm. I'm not sure if it's the lower doses of fight or flight induced adrenaline flowing around my body these last several weeks.

I don't miss her, I miss the "idea" of her. I miss what she represented. I miss having events planned, vacations booked, or the companionship of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional. The truth is, between the dots of craziness on this path, rests weeks at a time that were really great. I miss those moments a lot.

Maybe it's as simple as gaining a distance. The anger fades. The resentment goes away. The finality of the dissolution of a relationship that I spent so much of my time and efforts on, is able to creep to the surface. With that, those fleeting periods of happiness that became less and less as time went on.

I will never contact her again. When you hold onto denial, you hold on to false hope. For so long, I lived that way, but I had to be honest with myself, EVERY thing that's written on these boards and online all happened, despite me trying to will our fate in a happier different direction.

With that realization rest a powerful truth. There is no need to wonder what she's up to. I already know. And I could read it on these same forums. She doesn't miss me, she holds me in contempt. She probably has someone in her bed right now. That doesn't make me jealous, it makes me pity her. It's sad to me. How unnecessary all of it was, and is.

Do you guys ever have nights of deafening silence? Nights when you can't help but feel a sense of emptiness about it all? The sadness and the realization that you have to start all over again in a dating world where you now have the awareness that there are a lot of sharks in the pond, along with other fish.

I made the comment earlier about hearing lyrics to songs but they are only words until you go through things, then one day you hear them again and it's overwhelming how much sense they make.

I just wanted to share this as an example of what I meant. Link is below. Clearly Billy Joel dated one of these women. This song could be written by any one of us. It's crazy how an insignificant song can become so powerful through applied meaning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkfkJCyqCBc&spfreload=10

[downwhim]

This is a beautiful thread of sharing innermost feelings and loneliness. I miss being a couple. I go out with girlfriends on weekends and it gets old. I do not like being available again. Dating sites to me are dangerous. That is where I met my ex. I feel there are too many sharks on there.

So what is my alternative? I ruminate, I get home early, I feel lonely and I wonder how am I, at my age ever going to meet someone I have chemistry with, that is honest, kind, loving, not mentally ill and wants to have fun and share a life?

I only miss my ex for what he use to be, not what he truly is. He moved on quickly and our relationship meant very little to him. He does not ruminate about me, that's for sure.

Not sure what the answer is. I can related to JRT, last night I looked around the bar as I sat and had happy hour with my girlfriend from work. There was a table full of white haired women. I thought, is that how I will end up?

[BorisAcusio]

Recently, I read a biography. The author said, relationship should be a plus, not a must.

I think I need to first fill my own emptiness. "With a relationship we would be happy, without we would also be happy". This status may help me to always keep my boundaries, because I would be no more afraid of losing the dating partner, and would make the right and healthy decision. If I need to find someone to fill the hole in my heart, then there would be no difference between me and my ex. And a good relationship should be one between two complete persons.



I know it's hard. I am also on my way. I asked my T, "I understand I should focus on myself. I am doing everything I can, still I think about the old story.I feel lonely and empty. What should I do?" The T answered me, "keep doing the right things. You will see your change after time passes by."

Profound and simple. Thanks for sharing.

[christin5433]

This Is a good thread today . It got me thinking of my feeling of being a victim . I tried in my first month to jump from hurt to forgive quick because I was not going to be a victim! I had a wonderful person I have communicated w on private messages that has turned into a saving grace for me. His empathy in my darkest moments was just Gods sent. I mean I heard what I needed to hear just when I needed to hear it. I was told dont be so hard on myself . I have to feel my pain my anger my sadness my shame my GUILT my longing my feelings ... .It's been a really cool to share and help others here. To smile again even though I feel this stuff. And every once in a while lately I get to experience a genuine smile. This journey is mine and I hope all of us gain a healing even our sick loved ones.

[JRT]

Just a quick thank you to all those that responded to my post directly (and indirectly).

No one in this world knows what I am going through except the people that are on this site. Even those closest to me either would not understand to begin with, or are sick of hearing about it (and there are not very many of those). I am grateful for this forum and the people that belong to it... .I wish that none of us were suffering or at least that it ends for us all soon.

Yesterday was a setback and I realize that the road to progress is dotted with many bumps in the road. I think that now, my process is transitioning between 'her' to plain old being alone (my personal situation is that I am physically isolated which makes it VERY difficult to socially interact. Even my work is from a home office). I wonder if there should be an 'all alone now' forum go along with 'staying' and 'leaving'. Going on what has been a string of dates in the past few months that will never graduate to a second date was a trigger for me as was seeing that old guy in the bar by himself, being ignored... .staring off into space. The very idea mortifies me... .

I know that I will have another, better relationship, but looking down as I climb that mountain really scares the living ___ out of me.

[jhkbuzz]

Just a quick thank you to all those that responded to my post directly (and indirectly).

No one in this world knows what I am going through except the people that are on this site. Even those closest to me either would not understand to begin with, or are sick of hearing about it (and there are not very many of those). I am grateful for this forum and the people that belong to it... .I wish that none of us were suffering or at least that it ends for us all soon.

Yesterday was a setback and I realize that the road to progress is dotted with many bumps in the road. I think that now, my process is transitioning between 'her' to plain old being alone (my personal situation is that I am physically isolated which makes it VERY difficult to socially interact. Even my work is from a home office). I wonder if there should be an 'all alone now' forum go along with 'staying' and 'leaving'. Going on what has been a string of dates in the past few months that will never graduate to a second date was a trigger for me as was seeing that old guy in the bar by himself, being ignored... .staring off into space. The very idea mortifies me... .

I know that I will have another, better relationship, but looking down as I climb that mountain really scares the living ___ out of me.

Thank you for such an honest post... .it helps to read that other people can struggle the way I am.

Just a suggestion (since you work from home): have you tried meetup.com?  There are singles meetups to be sure, but lots of other based on common interests.  I've joined cycling, movie and hiking meetups.

It can be a bit nerve wracking to go the first time, but once you get over the hurdle it can be a great way to meet friends. 

[LifeExperience]

Feeling the sadness today. It's her bday today, along with a missed call at 4am from an unknown number(her) that didn't let me sleep for another couple hours. Haven't contacted her with well wishes or any of that. Did check her instagram profile. Whoops.

Wanted to post this song because it makes me embrace the sadness while also making me feel uplifted. While the lyrics aren't as pertinent as the Billy Joel song you posted, it provides the same sad yet optimistic outlook on love. A feeling that I can get through this mess. This is the song I go to when feeling in this mood…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHpQFF_Et4s