Therapy Nuggets

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello

While surely all not relevant to every story there are a lot of similarities between many of us on here and I thought perhaps it may be worth sharing minor or major break throughs we have had at therapy. Personally, I like to read people's break thrus and the individual reasons they may have had to get into and stay in an abusive BPD or other relationship.

Last weeks sessions I spoke to my therapist about my family and she asked me to describe my parents, both the good and the bad, she then wrapped up the type of person I was looking for Vs the kind of behaviour I have understood and can relate to as a child. My ex is very similar to my mother, there's not room for my emotions and I'm still trying to fix relationships, my parents and now my own.

The hook with my ex was the love bombing, she filled a very deep need in me for attention and Unconditional love that I didn't get as a child. I don't know whether she 'knew what she was doing' when she bore into my soul and got me hooked but from hearing about other exes they have described her as a drug from which to unhook themselves. I can't say she just loves deeply as it clearly was not real love.

There is a certain relief that comes from a better understanding of why you were so open to being hooked/entangled by a BPD. I imagine many of us are helper fixers whose own needs have been low on the list since kids.

[Trog]

Hello

While surely all not relevant to every story there are a lot of similarities between many of us on here and I thought perhaps it may be worth sharing minor or major break throughs we have had at therapy. Personally, I like to read people's break thrus and the individual reasons they may have had to get into and stay in an abusive BPD or other relationship.

Last weeks sessions I spoke to my therapist about my family and she asked me to describe my parents, both the good and the bad, she then wrapped up the type of person I was looking for Vs the kind of behaviour I have understood and can relate to as a child. My ex is very similar to my mother, there's not room for my emotions and I'm still trying to fix relationships, my parents and now my own.

The hook with my ex was the love bombing, she filled a very deep need in me for attention and Unconditional love that I didn't get as a child. I don't know whether she 'knew what she was doing' when she bore into my soul and got me hooked but from hearing about other exes they have described her as a drug from which to unhook themselves. I can't say she just loves deeply as it clearly was not real love.

There is a certain relief that comes from a better understanding of why you were so open to being hooked/entangled by a BPD. I imagine many of us are helper fixers whose own needs have been low on the list since kids.

[Pingo]

Trog, I can relate to what you describe, as I mentioned in your other post, I too married my mother... .When I had this epiphany I hadn't left my marriage yet. I didn't even understand what it meant. With time, this board, books and my T, I have come to the same conclusion that you have, he filled that deep need for unconditional love that I didn't get as a child... .So he was like my mother, yet gave me what she couldn't give me... .but then would take it away as he would punish me.  Painful!

The other epiphany I've had (also a combination of this board, books I've read and my T) is that I have had empathy for my abusers. And this has been a coping mechanism. My way of overlooking the abuse. I started doing this with my mother. Excusing her abuse by telling myself 'well she had a terrible childhood, she's doing the best that she can'... .instead of saying 'no! you cannot treat me like that because it's wrong and I deserve better!'.  As children we have to rationalise the abuse, our lives depend on these people.  My T actually pointed out the fact that I, too, had a terrible childhood. Yet I take responsibility for my actions in life. I am accountable. So why don't I expect the same from others? A-ha moment! 

[billypilgrim]

I like the thread idea Trog.  The biggest breakthrough I had, as I've mentioned in some of my other posts, was realizing that I married a younger, female version of my abusive grandfather.  The crazy and the abuse was normal.  Other people setting my bar was normal.  Being with her felt normal.  I need a new normal.

But a more recent breakthrough or "aha" moment I had recently was regarding our marriage counseling a few months before she left.  Prior to going to therapy, I had started to come out of a funk - likely a bout of depression as a result of 5 years of being with a pwBPD.  But I had started living for me again.  I picked back up old hobbies.  I listened to music I enjoyed.  I was more selective as to the things I was doing for and with my ex.  I said no.  I laid down some boundaries, albeit 5 years late.  I thought things were the best they'd been in years.  And they were, for me.  Just when I realized this, my ex said she wanted to go to marriage counseling.  I remember being so very shocked.  I was shocked for a couple of reasons.  I was happy and enjoying life again, why do we need therapy?  And also I was shocked because it felt like an indictment of me and everything I had done for us and her.  But I went.  And I bought all of the "I'm doing too much for me" bull crap.  I said I would change, I would put her first (she had been as far as I was concerned).  I would fix it, like I always do.

But my T helped me realize that I wasn't broken.  I started living life for me and the relationship broke.  And that realization has helped me cope and to also understand that I'm fortunate that she is gone. 

[Reforming]

I've had a few at various points and with different therapists, though I wasn't always ready or able to recognise them.

Recently I've started recording my sessions on my iPhone, (therapists suggestion) and I've found being able to review my sessions a number of times afterwards has been hugely helpful. When I listen back I spot things that I'd missed or not fully understood at the time.

There are a lot of things I've taken from my Schema T. The ones that jump to mind at the moment are learning to understand my own core needs and working to meet them.

Schema Therapy identifies these as our core needs

1. Secure Attachments to others (includes safety, stability, nurturance and acceptance)

2. Autonomy, Competence and a Sense of Identity

3. Freedom to Express Valid Needs and Emotions

4. Spontaneity and Play

5. Realistic Limits and Self Control

These have given me a framework to understand what I really need and they're also a great reference point for assessing our relationships with others.

I've found guided imagery really effective. Your T asks you to pick a difficult moment in your childhood, whatever comes to mind naturally and without prompting, and then asks to step back into that moment. You describe what you see around you, the people, the smells, the sounds and you try and express what you're feeling.

Then your T and your healthy adult part ask permission to be present as well. The little you agrees and they gently try and discover how they can meet and validate the needs of the little you offering their support and love.

Once the vulnerable child has been comforted and had his needs heard you come back into the present and try and identify a current situation or moment where you've been struggling or experiencing similar feelings. You try then and meet your needs in the same way.

The guided imagery is one of the most powerful and effective tools in Schema for the what they call Change Work, which is about breaking negative behavioural patterns.

Reforming

[Grey Kitty]

... .I have had empathy for my abusers... .

... .instead of saying 'no! you cannot treat me like that because it's wrong and I deserve better!'.

I did both with my wife. Had empathy for her... .and eventually learned to say "NO" to being treated that way. When she was saying abusive things to me, I always knew that she was herself feeling more pain and hurting herself MORE than she was inflicting upon me.

And this has been a coping mechanism. My way of overlooking the abuse. I started doing this with my mother. Excusing her abuse by telling myself 'well she had a terrible childhood, she's doing the best that she can'

 Your empathy for her was a very good thing, and all of that is true--she did do the best she could.

Your heart was in the right place there. I hope you appreciate that kind and compassionate aspect of yourself. The motivation was good. What was missing was the same caring and compassion for yourself--loving yourself enough that you won't allow yourself to be treated that way.

And since you were raised the way you were... .that kind of love and trust in yourself was absent / beaten out of you so early that you never had a chance as a child... .and made it into adulthood not even knowing what was missing.   

[Pingo]

... .I have had empathy for my abusers... .

... .instead of saying 'no! you cannot treat me like that because it's wrong and I deserve better!'.

I did both with my wife. Had empathy for her... .and eventually learned to say "NO" to being treated that way. When she was saying abusive things to me, I always knew that she was herself feeling more pain and hurting herself MORE than she was inflicting upon me.

And this has been a coping mechanism. My way of overlooking the abuse. I started doing this with my mother. Excusing her abuse by telling myself 'well she had a terrible childhood, she's doing the best that she can'

 Your empathy for her was a very good thing, and all of that is true--she did do the best she could.

Your heart was in the right place there. I hope you appreciate that kind and compassionate aspect of yourself. The motivation was good. What was missing was the same caring and compassion for yourself--loving yourself enough that you won't allow yourself to be treated that way.

And since you were raised the way you were... .that kind of love and trust in yourself was absent / beaten out of you so early that you never had a chance as a child... .and made it into adulthood not even knowing what was missing.   

That is true Grey Kitty, I didn't know what was missing. I'm 45 yrs old and only just in the last year since my BU with my uBPDexh did I start to realise how I've completely dismissed myself all my life. My gut was screaming to me to not get into this r/s yet I ignored it, didn't trust myself.  Now I am paying the price for neglecting myself, with PTSD symptoms and an anxiety disorder. I'm just starting to learn compassion for myself. I'm just starting to put myself first. I've had to go back and learn to re parent myself in those areas where I was sorely neglected.  It's never too late!

[anxiety5]

Great topic.

I actually had a personal EMDR session that I will fill in the details on later, to review how I feel once it's completed.