I'm surrounded But sorta coping.

[knockitoff]

Hello!

I've been checking this site for a couple years now and finally just registered. I'll try to keep my intro short, but there's a lot. About 4 years ago I started dating a divorcing man whose ex-wife turned out to be uBPD. As I described to him the mystery of my mother's lifelong behaviors, he kept saying, "sounds like my ex, sounds like my ex" so I got a book about BPD parents and started reading. It was…earth shattering. I had what I now know to be a typical "I never knew it had a name" experience for folks who newly come upon BPD information. I basically cried for a week straight. I'm in my 30s and had spent all my life thus far in a fog, behaving self-destructively, anxious and depressed, wondering why I just couldn't get it together. What I've figured out in the meantime is

1. My mother is definitely uBPD; both therapists I've seen in the past few years said it seems highly likely based on my description.

2. My younger sister is possibly uBPD, both therapists said it seems likely based on my description.

3. My live-in boyfriend's ex-wife and mother of his 7-year-old son is definitely uBPD, etc.

The first two numbers I've had some success dealing with through therapy and burgeoning self-awareness. (It appears my mom alienated my father into abandoning us after the divorce when I was 8, I've had contact with him throughout my adult life through letters as he lives out of state, I'm planning to visit him soon for the first time in 16 years.) The third number on the list is now my main concern, as she is a textbook pain in the ass when it comes to co-parenting, as well as being the indirect cause of some of our relationship strife. He lived with her for 8 years so he's used to walking on eggshells, and so am I after a lifetime of Mom, so it feels like an unending cycle of dysfunctional mirrors sometimes at our house. I find it hard to figure out where to put my boundaries (surprise!) when it comes to this third-party BPDxw influence. Plus I'm a stepmom to a sweet bright boy who is already showing signs of depression and anxiety. I'm basically here to possibly connect online and vent and strategize with some other women in similar circumstances, since so much BPD literature is geared toward coping with immediate family members and significant others, not exes of significant others, and I feel alone at times in this. Any constructive inputs will be welcomed.

thanks a lot!

[livednlearned]

Hi knockitoff,

You're in the right place! There are lots of "secondary nons" here, or step moms with men whose exes have BPD. You're definitely not alone. There are also step moms here who have parents with BPD, or other major mental illnesses that make it hard to have a functional childhood. This can make a challenging situation even more triggering, as the behavior makes you feel like you're back in your childhood home trying to walk on eggshells, like you mentioned. It's a big step to reach out to your dad and make contact after all these years. Alienation goes with the BPD territory, and sometimes the parent is successful. There are tools, though. Have you read Richard Warshak's Divorce Poison? That's a gold standard around here, and Coparenting with a Toxic Ex has also been reviewed with high marks by some members. There is another book called Power of Validation written for parents that is a healthy antidote to alienation. The techniques worked on my son immediately (he was 9 when we left).

You're very astute to see depression/anxiety in your SS7 so young. He sounds so much like my son, the way you describe him. Looking back, I can see now that he was suffering from extreme stress, but I was in such a fog myself and so scared it was hard to recognize just how much he wasn't coping. We have a pretty good article here about typical reactions of kids to divorce that might be helpful.

How are you doing right now? Being a stepmom and dealing with a BPD ex can both be so challenging.

[ennie]

 

So glad you found this site! I'm the stepmom of two girls,  ages 10 and 14, I've been with my DH 8 years and he and are close and have worked through a lot.

There is a great workshop on this site about boundaries and values that emphasizes that real boundaries are not rules for others but choices we can make as expressions of our values. The idea is that when you experience the stress of an incursion on your boundaries, what is happening is that something is having a negative impact on something you value. So a raging BPD person disrupt s ] each that I value. A boundary I set would be me letting the person know what action I will take to move back toward what I value. "I am happy to talk with you if you dont yell at me, but if you do I am going to be leaving the room. "  and you leave if she does not calm.

I have found over time that it is much harder to set boundaries with my loving husband.  

One of the thing that has happened as a result of my clear boundaries is BPD mom di re s not really talk with me. Other than her haVing a public outburst at me about once a year when she's drunk,  she is polite when she addresses me.

So welcome. If I could give you one piece of advice it would be not to let the dysfunction of youR partner's ex be central to your relationship.  BPD is fascinating and stressful and ultimately not your problem.  I see the BPD mom of my sd's as someone who creates lot of imaginary crises as a way of managing a painful inner world. How does it help for me to get all worked up over her imaginary deomons? So my DH and I focus on our lives not on hers.

Good luck!

[livednlearned]

The workshop ennie mentions about boundaries is one of the best ones on the site.

It's an excellent place to start. And it has helped me in many other relationships, including with my family or origin.

[Turkish]

Hello knockitoff, and welcome back.

This is certainly the place where you can process any feelings or issues with your mother and sis.

I find it hard to figure out where to put my boundaries (surprise!) when it comes to this third-party BPDxw influence. Plus I'm a stepmom to a sweet bright boy who is already showing signs of depression and anxiety.

Poor little guy!  We have quite a few step-mothers there who are going through similar issues as they attempt to navigate the BPD behaviors of their partner's exes. You'll find a lot of support here.

Turkish