Has anyone achieved a happy, functional relationship?

[Loosestrife]

Hi there

I am keen to hear from anyone who's partners are either on medication or been through long term group therapy and made it out the other side. I really don't want to give up in my relationship, but I know I can't be a caretaker long term.

Thanks everyone

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heldfast]

I know a few couples now who have made it work long term with varying rates of success. But this is not a question of short term turnover, we are talking years of therapy involved, a lot of ups and downs. They need a strong partner for their support network, and you'll need the therapy too, to develop your own skills for dealing with her, and to keep yourself strong and calm.

[Skip]

We have reported successes in this community and over on the Parents with Child with BPD community.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

Functional mostly means ability to work, mange money, etc.

Happy is a much more relative term.

It doesn't go away. I can be managed.

This was written on the bpdfamily alumni page (Facebook) last week:

February 13 at 12:00pm

The bpdfamily.com site helped me immeasurably back in 2010 when I was struggling to understand how I had come to be married to a man with BPD. Initially, I was looking for answers on how to get out of the relationship without any more collateral damage to me or him. But I slowly started to gravitate toward the information about how to STAY in a relationship with a person with BPD. I learned so much about MYSELF, and what I had done to make my husband's condition worse over the years, as well as what he was truly going through. It was eye-opening, and I vowed then and there that, should we make it as a couple or not, I would not do one more thing to hurt this man or keep him from finding his way out of the hell he was in. I did not know if I had the capacity to help him, but I knew I HAD to stop hurting him.I learned to validate and to set my boundaries. I learned real compassion and I learned what love really is. It was a horrible summer of ups and downs for him. In 2010 he had all but stopped functioning, going virtually nowhere and seeing virtually no one. We lived apart, but I maintained communication with him and I held fast to the principles I learned from bpdfamily and from my own therapist. By that fall, he was back in DBT regularly and moved back into our home with me. His new therapist was FINALLY the perfect match for him. By mid-2011, with weekly therapy (his and mine), he was functioning again in social situations and our marriage was calm and loving and a non-judgmental haven for both of us. By the end of 2012 he was back to working a full-time job in his field and was discharged from therapy, cured of BPD. He is not the same person I married in 2008... .he is better. And I am better. It took BOTH if us to pull him out of that hell. If I had not found bpdfamily.com, I may never have understood him, or my part in his illness and I would have lost this wonderful relationship we have now built together. I speak for no one but myself here, and I am not offering hope to anyone else in a relationship with a person with BPD. Every person and every situation is different. I'm simply offering my gratitude and saying a long overdue THANK YOU.

[Loosestrife]

Thank you. I will seek out a good T for me too. I can relate the alumni post. I don't what to do any damage to someone who is already suffering.

[EaglesJuju]

I will seek out a good T for me too. I can relate the alumni post. I don't what to do any damage to someone who is already suffering.

My own therapy has made a huge difference in my relationship. Coping with BPD behavior can take a toll on you.  Through therapy, I have become a stronger person for myself and my bf.  It is definitely something to look into. 

[Notwendy]

I think therapy for you is important, not just for support but to examine your own emotions and behavior. People are attracted to their partners for reasons that are usually not something we are aware of.

I first became of this possibility when I had a friend who escaped a physically abusive relationship. She was pretty, intelligent and fun to be with. Lots of men who I thought were nice guys were attracted to her, but she didn't feel any chemistry with them. She ended up with another man who I thought did not treat her as well. It was then that I realized that something about her made her connect with this type of man. Somehow they were a match for each other and many couples are matched in some way.

I was raised by a mother with BPD and since my H is more functional than she is, I was completely shocked when it turned out that I was experiencing many of the relationship issues that my parents did. I had to consider that it was my emotional role models that were contributing to this.

Have people improved their relationships? I believe it is possible, however, I think it depends on the emotional health of the "non" - because the non somehow is emotionally matched to the pwBPD - for one seeks to be a rescuer/caretaker and so they attract each other.

Be careful by what you consider to be "not doing damage". Here is where I think we need our own therapy. The very nature of the non is to rescue and caretake and it is that "caring behavior" that can be damaging. It seems counterintuitive. I don't think many here would consider being actually cruel, but it feels cruel to say no, to stand up for ourselves. In addition, this can really upset the person with BPD and cause us to back down. They may perceive our taking care of ourselves, not focusing on them, not caretaking them as being cruel, and it may cause them pain. However, it is the caretaking that hurts them by not letting them learn to be responsible for themselves.

I saw this with my parents- over a long marriage.  My father loved my mother so much that he could not stand to see her in any distress . His nature was to protect her from feeling bad. He did what he knew how to do since diagnosis and treatment was not available to him. He loved her so much he didn't want her to feel bad.

I always perceived him as the good guy, and her as the one with issues. Sometimes I saw him as her victim when she was emotionally abusive. He always made sure than my mother got whatever she wanted, as far as he could provide it. This did not "cure" her of BPD. Her unhappiness came from within her.

It was only later that I saw his caring for her as stunting her growth. Now to stop being the caretaker didn't mean he needed to not care for her, leave her to fend for herself. They had a traditional marriage and he supported us. Not caretaking didn't mean he did not love and cherish her. He did. What was harmful was to focus on her needs and not consider his. He did not allow her to be responsible for her own feelings and so she learned that the way to manage her feelings was to project them and he'd take care of them.

He never said no to her, and let her control him, for if he said no, she'd have a fit and he could not tolerate that. About this time I understood that he was my role model. I loved and admired my dad. Yet it was me that was partly responsible for creating the same marital issues that my parents had by behaving like him and being co-dependent in my marriage.

Change won't likely start with them, and they may not change, but any change has to come from the changes we make- for the better- with ourselves and for ourselves. We don't have to worry about hurting them by being unkind- I think we have to worry about hurting them with our caring.

[maxsterling]

I think it depends on how you define "happy" and "functional".  I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject, and I have concluded that by any kind of "universal" standard of relationships, those with pwBPD will probably always be less functional, less healthy, and have more turmoil than what an outside observer would describe as "happy" and "functional."

My point is that we really can't use universal standards to qualify these relationships. because if we do I can almost guarantee we will be disappointed when expectations aren't met.  My wife is low-functioning.  She's been low-functioning her whole life.  She's 39, and I can't expect that to change no matter how much therapy she goes through or how many meds she takes.  She's never going to want to do the dishes or cook or clean or work.  So, right there I have to throw the idea of a "balanced" relationship out the window. 

She rages often.  Sure there have been periods where rages happen only every other month, and times when it happens every other day.  With proper medication and therapy, her rage frequency and severity may be reduced - but the chances of it going away completely are probably next to zero.  Again, she's had anger and rage issues since he earliest years.  I don't expect that to change.

She's severely depressed.  She's been severely depressed her whole life.  She has gotten happier over the course of our r/s, but she is still severely depressed.  If she got on the right meds and had the right therapy she would likely improve, but she would probably still be severely depressed sometimes.

So, from my standpoint, I know what the limitations are.  I need to define what is "functional" and "happy" in relation to those limitations.  As of right now, I would say we are somewhat functional and realistically I am happy about 65% of the time.    The 35% of the time I am not happy does not mean I am in complete agony; rather that most of that time I just feel so emotionally worn out to know what my emotions are.

[Loosestrife]

Really helpful insights, thank you