Need courage to put a final point in this relationship

[SybilVane]

I've been in a relationship with a BPD during one year and a half.

Like most of this kind, we have had really good and really bad moments.

I live in Brazil, he lives in France. We could see each other from each two months, being together for about one month and a half each time.

This distance makes everything worst. He's very jealous, he doesn't trust me. Every time he thinks I made something bad, he punishes me with silent treatment, insults, offenses.

The worst is that I never did something wrong. I've been loyal all this time. I totally engaged myself and I've making much effort to make him trust me. I always have the feeling he's been unfair. I always tried to justify it because of his disease, since I can recognize he's suffering every time we have a problem.

I was decided to go France for three months this year, to see if I can adapt myself and maybe move to France definitely. I thought that if we could be definitely together, he could trust me more.

But time has convinced me it should be an illusion. When he is here in Brazil, things never goes well. Here, I have my friends, my work etc. in France is always good because I'm with him fulltime. So, I started to realize that, if I move to France, from the moment I start to have my own friends, independent from him, all the hell will starts again.

I feel very upset. I love him, but I can't live in such unhealthy situation anymore. I want a relationship to make me feel safe, and not with this quotidian fear that he can leave me for any bull___ or stupid reason that sometimes I even dont understand. For many times, he is angry with me and doesnt tell me why.

I know it's time to take this decision. I just don't know how. Last week he said 'why you think I demand you so much? Don't you see I am dependent from you, that you are the only one I can tell my problems, the only one I can open myself?" Ofc I knew. He's so proud to share his problems with his friends/family. He wants to keep the appearance of someone much more successful than he really is. He worked as a investor, but with the current crisis in Europe, he lost almost everything. Then he tried to win money with poker, it worked for a while, but then he became so confident that he started to loose again. So, he started to use so much cocaine, and take cocaine to play poker... .

Now he's looking for another kind of job, and everytime he is called for an interview, he's always so confident , he says he's sure he's the best candidate, he's sure that he'll be employed... .But I know its not this. He is never called back after these interviews. He says 'I'm sure they are taking time to call me again because who will call me will be the 'big boss'... .I feel so pity for him, I have no courage to tell him he's pretentious... .that nobody will call... .

I am afraid he can do some big mistake if I leave him... .I know tat inside him he knows he's lost, he knows that he is looser, but he cant admit it to himself.

I could be very remorseful if he commits some stupid act like suicide or so. No job, his father is in prison (he's a 'golpist', he doesnt share problems with anyone. He wants to appear 'the guy who lives in Champs Elysées', always well dressed, always inviting friends to expensive restaurants... .and paying all the bills.

I want to leave him, but I'm afraid of what he can do. I can't stop crying since last night, thinking how I can do this. I don't want to break him in thousands of pieces. I know he's just a little boy, he's not an adult, he doesnt know how to deal with failures, and despite a lot of superficial friendships, he's so alone... .

I could never forgive myself if I give him the 'final shot'.

Please, help me.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I completely understand your fears about what he might do if you leave the relationship. This kept me stuck many times too.

He is not a child, he is an adult. He alone is responsible for his health, you cannot make the decision for him to get help. It must come from him. That being said, you can initiate some controlled contact to help you both back out of this relationship. You have the benefit of distance here since you live in different cities.

Controlled contact works to ease abandonment fears. For both of you. You become less available for phone calls. Meaning, you don't answer every call. When you do answer you keep the conversation very boring. While you do talk you control when the next call will take place, for example,  "I can't talk again until Tuesday around 5pm."

If course you pick what day will work for you.

You start stretching out the time between these phone calls. Eventually he will become tired of calling. 

I know this is very painful for you, we're here for you.