Always turning things around keeps me unsettled

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have posted my story before... .just a brief recap.  During Christmas holidays, argument began and escalated to s/o (my uBPDh) name calling, pushing, threatening to the point that I felt unsafe and left.  He apologized weeks later, but also blamed me for pushing his buttons, being uncaring, etc.  Stayed away about one month.  Came back because we made a deal that if I came home we would go to MC.  We went to MC twice when he accused me of setting him up to fail with the counselor.  He didn't like the guy because he believed the MC was partial to me. So now he has been to anger management once.  Said he is not going back - too expensive, traffic bad... .

The anger management therapist suggested that he give me the AM book to read.  Of course, now I have read the book, but he has not. 

I am living in a separate part of the house and at first he said "just come home, you can stay upstairs, I won't bother you.  ". Now me being upstairs is a huge problem for him. 

Truthfully, I probably would be downstairs living with him, but much of the time his behavior is still unacceptable to me.  For example,  recently he called me a selfish b***ch because I didn't buy what he wanted from the grocery store.  Even though he didn't ask me to buy anything.  I guess I was supposed to read his mind. 

Then he said some rude things to me because apparently I am dirtying the house up since I  have been home.  It was much cleaner, he says, when he was alone.

Last night he asked nicely if I wanted to get something to eat and I was surprised and said sure.  He was tailgating someone and I objected so of course I was a complaining, nagging wife.  When we got to the place to eat, the service was so slow that we left.  It was slow, but i can't tell you how many places we have left over the years because of his impatience.  Once back in the vehicle he asked me for suggestions of where to go next.  I named three places and of course none were what he wanted.  He began to yell at me... .We drove home instead of going to eat.  This kind of thing has happened quite a bit in our r/s.  Apparently, this setting out to go somewhere and turning around and coming back home is not unusual for pwBPD - it is discussed in the book "Stop Caretaking the BPD or NPD In your Life". Being trapped in the vehicle with him I just tried to breathe calmly and practice relaxation techniques until we got home,  in the driveway he threw a fit bc my car was over too much on his side (it actually was not). He apologized for that this morning - said you were right, your car was not too far over.

He has convinced himself that I have pulled away because I am having an affair.  This is not true.  I have been working on myself and my own problems and am not interested in meeting anyone else or having a r/s with anyone else.


He claims I am trying to control him by staying upstairs. I have explained that I am only trying to control myself.  I just don't want to put myself in such a vulnerable position again.  Unless he shows evidence of changing his abusive behavior, I cannot trust him enough to get so close to him again.

All of the above is really messing with me.  I feel unsettled and am beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with me that I cannot either make this marriage work or leave. 

Looking for some feedback from the BPD family.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I have posted my story before... .just a brief recap.  During Christmas holidays, argument began and escalated to s/o (my uBPDh) name calling, pushing, threatening to the point that I felt unsafe and left.  He apologized weeks later, but also blamed me for pushing his buttons, being uncaring, etc.  Stayed away about one month.  Came back because we made a deal that if I came home we would go to MC.  We went to MC twice when he accused me of setting him up to fail with the counselor.  He didn't like the guy because he believed the MC was partial to me. So now he has been to anger management once.  Said he is not going back - too expensive, traffic bad... .

The anger management therapist suggested that he give me the AM book to read.  Of course, now I have read the book, but he has not. 

I am living in a separate part of the house and at first he said "just come home, you can stay upstairs, I won't bother you.  ". Now me being upstairs is a huge problem for him. 

Truthfully, I probably would be downstairs living with him, but much of the time his behavior is still unacceptable to me.  For example,  recently he called me a selfish b***ch because I didn't buy what he wanted from the grocery store.  Even though he didn't ask me to buy anything.  I guess I was supposed to read his mind. 

Then he said some rude things to me because apparently I am dirtying the house up since I  have been home.  It was much cleaner, he says, when he was alone.

Last night he asked nicely if I wanted to get something to eat and I was surprised and said sure.  He was tailgating someone and I objected so of course I was a complaining, nagging wife.  When we got to the place to eat, the service was so slow that we left.  It was slow, but i can't tell you how many places we have left over the years because of his impatience.  Once back in the vehicle he asked me for suggestions of where to go next.  I named three places and of course none were what he wanted.  He began to yell at me... .We drove home instead of going to eat.  This kind of thing has happened quite a bit in our r/s.  Apparently, this setting out to go somewhere and turning around and coming back home is not unusual for pwBPD - it is discussed in the book "Stop Caretaking the BPD or NPD In your Life". Being trapped in the vehicle with him I just tried to breathe calmly and practice relaxation techniques until we got home,  in the driveway he threw a fit bc my car was over too much on his side (it actually was not). He apologized for that this morning - said you were right, your car was not too far over.

He has convinced himself that I have pulled away because I am having an affair.  This is not true.  I have been working on myself and my own problems and am not interested in meeting anyone else or having a r/s with anyone else.


He claims I am trying to control him by staying upstairs. I have explained that I am only trying to control myself.  I just don't want to put myself in such a vulnerable position again.  Unless he shows evidence of changing his abusive behavior, I cannot trust him enough to get so close to him again.

All of the above is really messing with me.  I feel unsettled and am beginning to wonder what the heck is wrong with me that I cannot either make this marriage work or leave. 

Looking for some feedback from the BPD family.

[Restored2]

Hi Mustbeabetterway.  This is so unfortunate that you are having to live like you are walking on eggshells with your husband.  Have you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?  It could be very beneficial for you here.  It is easy for us to fall into the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt when dealing with a BPD person.  I would encourage you to be aware of this and monitor yourself accordingly.

[Keysmiami]

This sounds so unhealthy. You need to get out and move on. I'm sure it's hard but do you really want to live like that?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Mustbeabetterway.  This is so unfortunate that you are having to live like you are walking on eggshells with your husband.  Have you read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells?  It could be very beneficial for you here.  It is easy for us to fall into the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt when dealing with a BPD person.  I would encourage you to be aware of this and monitor yourself accordingly.

Hi Restored2,  I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells.  I found it by googling walking on eggshells because that was what I was doing and didn't know why.  I knew nothing about BPD at the time.  It really opened my eyes as to why my r/s has been chaotic. 

I think I am in the depression stage.  It is extremely difficult to give up the hopes and dreams of the r/s. 

I have read about FOG, but can you share with me more about what you mean by "It is easy for us to fall into the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt when dealing with a BPD person.  I would encourage you to be aware of this and monitor yourself accordingly." ? 

Thanks!

[Restored2]

Hi Mustbeabetterway.  You're welcome.  Glad to hear that you read Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Interesting way that you found it on google.  It is an eyeopener. 

It is completely understandable that you would be in the depression stage.  Most of us are.  BPD contributes to our stress and depression.

What I mean is that the BPD road can be a slippery slope leading to the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  The caution is to be aware that it isn't all about you and you are not to blame for everything bad as you might be lead to believe.  It is also very important to take time out to take care of yourself amidst the storms. 

Does this make sense?

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Mustbeabetterway.  You're welcome.  Glad to hear that you read Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Interesting way that you found it on google.  It is an eyeopener. 

It is completely understandable that you would be in the depression stage.  Most of us are.  BPD contributes to our stress and depression.

What I mean is that the BPD road can be a slippery slope leading to the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  The caution is to be aware that it isn't all about you and you are not to blame for everything bad as you might be lead to believe.  It is also very important to take time out to take care of yourself amidst the storms. 

Does this make sense?

Yes, it makes sense.  Thanks for your reply.  I recently joined a church in my area.  It has been a comfort and blessing.  I had become discouraged and gotten away from my faith.  I also rejoined a gym and have been exercising more.  Sometimes,  i am just taking it a little easy on myself because I tend to be hard on myself.

Thank you much for the explanation and encouragement.

[Restored2]

Hi Mustbeabetterway.  You're welcome.  Glad to hear that it makes sense. 

Joining a church with reigniting your faith in God and rejoining a gym with exercising are good steps forward.  I am a born again Christian and I could not imagine my life without God in it.  He has sustained me and given me hope through it all. 

I too can be hard on myself, so I understand where you are coming from.     

[OnceConfused]

If you don't know where you are going , then any roads will take you there.

My old xBPDgf behaved in a very much similar way your husband's. She can always turned things around so as I was the one to blame. She even raged at me at one point for not saying anything positive about her scar she had from a tummy tuck surgery about 3 months prior to knowing me. I did not say anything negative about the scar, but that also was a trigger for her rage at me. That is why BPD is so hard to deal with, like a constantly moving goal posts.

NOthing is wrong with you. The doubt you have of yourself is truly a result of BPD's strategy to weaken you, to make you feel scared so that BPD can control you. When I met the xBPDgf, I was in my early 50s, very even kilned, successful business owner, but BPD made me feel like a child around her. At one point, she even scolded me for eating soup too loudly and warned that if I would do it again, we would have to sit at different dining tables. Can you believe being told that at the age of 50?

The xBPDgf slowly and systematically isolated me from my supporting sources like friends or neighbors. Many times, I came over to her house for go out dancing, only to find her not yet dressed and ultimately we ended up not going out. She also called me while I was on the golf course in a league, and if I did not pick up the phone , then that evening she would threaten to leave. I was like a dog on the leash, ready to be yanked by her at any time or any places. Finally, with the help of a T, I realized that she had BPD and so I planned my EXIT STRATEGY for I knew that she was not going to change.

Keep on posting here, because the writing of your thoughts will help clarifying your confusion and hopefully will get you to a decision point of what to do next. Don't let this suffering continuing on without any clear actions from you and him, otherwise in the end you will regret to have lost many good years of your life.

[Mustbeabetterway]

If you don't know where you are going , then any roads will take you there.

My old xBPDgf behaved in a very much similar way your husband's. She can always turned things around so as I was the one to blame. She even raged at me at one point for not saying anything positive about her scar she had from a tummy tuck surgery about 3 months prior to knowing me. I did not say anything negative about the scar, but that also was a trigger for her rage at me. That is why BPD is so hard to deal with, like a constantly moving goal posts.

NOthing is wrong with you. The doubt you have of yourself is truly a result of BPD's strategy to weaken you, to make you feel scared so that BPD can control you. When I met the xBPDgf, I was in my early 50s, very even kilned, successful business owner, but BPD made me feel like a child around her. At one point, she even scolded me for eating soup too loudly and warned that if I would do it again, we would have to sit at different dining tables. Can you believe being told that at the age of 50?


Yes, I can believe it.  I am a successful professional.  But, s/o often tells me I am "nonsensical" and "don't have a good memory" "not good at math" etc.

He also believes that I am influenced by my friends.  I have never been a follower, he just can't believe that I would pull away from him

The xBPDgf slowly and systematically isolated me from my supporting sources like friends or neighbors. Many times, I came over to her house for go out dancing, only to find her not yet dressed and ultimately we ended up not going out. She also called me while I was on the golf course in a league, and if I did not pick up the phone , then that evening she would threaten to leave. I was like a dog on the leash, ready to be yanked by her at any time or any places. Finally, with the help of a T, I realized that she had BPD and so I planned my EXIT STRATEGY for I knew that she was not going to change.

Keep on posting here, because the writing of your thoughts will help clarifying your confusion and hopefully will get you to a decision point of what to do next. Don't let this suffering continuing on without any clear actions from you and him, otherwise in the end you will regret to have lost many good years of your life.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi onceconfused,  I appreciate you sharing your story with me.  It gives me strength hearing from others who have gone through or are going through similar circumstances.

I interjected something into your quote above.  It didn't show up like i i tended, but it is there.

I know that a healthier person would have run from my situation long ago.  I always thought of myself as so competent and strong.  I think i have been too stoic for my own good.  My husband recently remarked that I had recently become too sensitive.  If i had been showing my true feelings, He would have been more aware of how hurtful his words and actions have been long ago.  I have tolerated whatever he dishes out for too long.

On the other hand, if he had been healthier, he would have known that his hurtful actio s, words, etc. would not result in a good outcome.

I had been expressing for soo long my displeasure in his behaior.  The only time it seems to make an impression is when i take action.  I am a word person - so i relied on words to make a difference.  All the time, he has been walking all over me. 

I am in T.  It is hard to stick to my boundaries, but i am making progress.  The thing I realize is that if i give in at all, he takes that as a sign that everything is back to "normal"

[OnceConfused]

if you have some time, read the FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Gary Chapman. In this book, dr chapman outlines a model to understand what love really is and how to sustain that love througout the times.

Essentially, a r/s is a 2 way street. You give and take  and the other party must give and take as well. It is like a dance where one advances, other moves back . The dance goes back and forth. In the case with BPD and without counseling and active change, the r/s is a 1 way street.

You can try and try and try but if your H does not meet you half way, then I can tell you that you probably are wasting the best years of your life living in agony and sufferings. The key is that BPD must understand the consequences of their actions and that they need to seek help (on their own accord).

My xBPDgf blamed every body else for her crises and predicaments, thus to her, she was the victim and she did not have to change at all. So she went from 1 guy to the next every 6 months, looking for that perfect soul mate.  As I have been happily married for the past 7 years, while the xBPDgf still is out there looking.

[parrotheadNpendleton]

This situation sounds very familiar to me... .maybe because it is almost exactly my life.  Although for now, my H is 'trying to be good' - I've been down this road too many times before only to be burned again when he thinks everything is ok again.  Even though I gave him specific boundaries that I will no longer tolerate and we no longer sleep in the same room - he just isn't putting in much effort either on himself or this relationship that he has single handedly destroyed with his lies, cheating & manipulations.  He is also very critical of my every move or word and when I call him on it - of course it is never his fault... .it gets so twisted around that I start getting confused and thinking he may be right.  I really love my life as far as - being able to be a 'stay at home mom' & the financial security I have as well as all the goodies I have acquired from his "penances" over the years.  He has often said that "if you throw enough money at a problem, it will go away" - NOT - but I do enjoy the extras anyway... .I feel as if I deserve them for putting up with all the years of confusion and hell.  Once, I asked him why he loves me and his reply - "because you put up with my sh**!"  WOW... .really?... .good one.  I feel so warm & fuzzy inside.  I have been with H for 26 long years.  Not too sure how much longer the good will outweigh the bad.  It's hard to build trust with someone who has lied & cheated so many times and can't even bring himself to tell me it will "never happen again".  Always before when he cheated - that was what he said... .now he won't say it.  BUT of course, its my fault because "I don't like sex" he says.  Thing is - I do like sex - but he has systematically destroyed any intimate feelings I have for him, yet he just can't realize this & work on himself.

Sorry to take over your post - I probably should've started my own thread.  I'm feeling your confusion!

I just want to live happily ever after every now & then! - Jimmy Buffett

[Mustbeabetterway]

This situation sounds very familiar to me... .maybe because it is almost exactly my life.  Although for now, my H is 'trying to be good' - I've been down this road too many times before only to be burned again when he thinks everything is ok again.  Even though I gave him specific boundaries that I will no longer tolerate and we no longer sleep in the same room - he just isn't putting in much effort either on himself or this relationship that he has single handedly destroyed with his lies, cheating & manipulations.  He is also very critical of my every move or word and when I call him on it - of course it is never his fault... .it gets so twisted around that I start getting confused and thinking he may be right.  I really love my life as far as - being able to be a 'stay at home mom' & the financial security I have as well as all the goodies I have acquired from his "penances" over the years.  He has often said that "if you throw enough money at a problem, it will go away" - NOT - but I do enjoy the extras anyway... .I feel as if I deserve them for putting up with all the years of confusion and hell.  Once, I asked him why he loves me and his reply - "because you put up with my sh**!"  WOW... .really?... .good one.  I feel so warm & fuzzy inside.  I have been with H for 26 long years.  Not too sure how much longer the good will outweigh the bad.  It's hard to build trust with someone who has lied & cheated so many times and can't even bring himself to tell me it will "never happen again".  Always before when he cheated - that was what he said... .now he won't say it.  BUT of course, its my fault because "I don't like sex" he says.  Thing is - I do like sex - but he has systematically destroyed any intimate feelings I have for him, yet he just can't realize this & work on himself.

Sorry to take over your post - I probably should've started my own thread.  I'm feeling your confusion!

I just want to live happily ever after every now & then! - Jimmy Buffett

Hi Parrothead,  no problem taking over my post.  The crazy making behavior is confusing.It is strange, but somewhat reassuring that other people go through the same things.  I am sorry you are going through this. 

I just turned down lunch with my H because he was starting out the same way as I told about in my first post here.    Luckily still at home when he started asking for suggestions of where to eat.   Turned down my first two.  I saw where this was going and opted out.  Small improvement on my part, I suppose.

He is "trying" to be nice, too.  I think the problem is being nice will take real change in thought and attitude not just trying to skirt the boundaries. 

Recently, my H has been telling me to "quit your yapping" he thinks this is better than calling me names.  Still disrespect.

I don't know if you have ever looked at a "feelings wheel" but it helps me to know what my underlying emotions are.  For example, confusion is actually connected with being scared.  Here is the link for it:  www.med.emory.edu/excel/documents/Feeling%20Wheel.pdf.

Hope you find your own peace.  Mine is coming through changing myself.

Buffet quote - "It's those changes in attitude, changes in latitudes.  Nothing remains quite the same.  With all of our running, and all of our cunning, if we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane."