heard that ex was engaged...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

rlhmm:

That is quite a shock for you to process, but don't take it as anything wrong with you. It's normal to feel like that especially after only 6 months.  Immediate replacement is very hard for us, but as water is wet so are BPDs in their ways.

I've been out from under mine for a few years now myself.  I just recently learned through the grapevine that mine had been married to my replacement for a brief period and then divorced him.  She has now remarried her original husband whom she had driven to the brink the first time.  She has also cheated on everyone she's ever been involved with more times than can be counted.  I just wanted to share that with you so you know you're not alone.  My replacement probably feels the same as you right now.

Your replacement will rue the day soon enough.  Be good to yourself as you're worth it.

   Hostnomore, thank you so much for that, you're right! WE ARE soo worth it my friend!     cheers!

[rlhmm]

rlhmm:

That is quite a shock for you to process, but don't take it as anything wrong with you. It's normal to feel like that especially after only 6 months.  Immediate replacement is very hard for us, but as water is wet so are BPDs in their ways.

I've been out from under mine for a few years now myself.  I just recently learned through the grapevine that mine had been married to my replacement for a brief period and then divorced him.  She has now remarried her original husband whom she had driven to the brink the first time.  She has also cheated on everyone she's ever been involved with more times than can be counted.  I just wanted to share that with you so you know you're not alone.  My replacement probably feels the same as you right now.

Your replacement will rue the day soon enough.  Be good to yourself as you're worth it.

   Hostnomore, thank you so much for that, you're right! WE ARE soo worth it my friend!     cheers!

[rlhmm]

rlhmm, I know it's a shock and a trigger. I'm so sorry.   

I just found out that my exBPDbf is engaged, and quit his job and moved overseas to be with his fiancee. I did not, however, find this out from him, even though we have talked several times since the b/u, as recently as a month ago. I've just been incredibly down and shocked. Knowing about the disorder doesn't make it not break my heart over again.

  hi Happynihilist, it was, and it wasn't, if you know what i mean... .i felt that brief heart jump and then nothing. it would have been worse had i not done the work thus far... .and i'm sorry you are hurting,   at least we arent alone here, we are amongst friends... .i can tell you're a compassionate soul... .so dont waste that on someone undeserving as your exBPDbf. be good to yourself and those deserving... .the ones who matter.       all my best!

[enlighten me]

It hurts when they replace you and hurts when they get engaged and even married but the way I see it is each of these steps they make is a step further from you which is a good thing.

As for her contacting your friend it was obviously to make you jealous. I desperate attwmpt to show you how happy she is but if she was that hapoy and you didnt mean anything to her then she would have not bothered as you wouldnt even cross her mind.

[rlhmm]

It hurts when they replace you and hurts when they get engaged and even married but the way I see it is each of these steps they make is a step further from you which is a good thing.

As for her contacting your friend it was obviously to make you jealous. I desperate attwmpt to show you how happy she is but if she was that hapoy and you didnt mean anything to her then she would have not bothered as you wouldnt even cross her mind.

  BINGOO! LMFAO!    high 5 enlighten me!  ((SMACK))

[enlighten me]

I dont know about you but I kind of looked forward to my exs moving on. It made it easier to detatch.

[Gonzalo]

Yeah, for me once I knew that she had somewhere to go after leaving here, I was able to not worry about her being OK, and that let me focus on the bad stuff and pull away from her more quickly. I think I'm wired differently than a lot of people here, her finding a replacement made me feel a sorry for the replacement - from the little I've seen of his public profile, he's a nice guy who probably wants to help her, so he's going to go through a confusing Hell this year. I focus on the actual argument filled, soul rending relationship and not the fiction of 'if only the good part of her won', so whatever she goes off and does with other people gets filed under 'dodged a bullet' instead of 'makes me sad'.

[Vatz]

I dont know about you but I kind of looked forward to my exs moving on. It made it easier to detatch.

This^

When I saw some other dude's name on our netflix like not even a month after our breakup, I was like "Yup." Five minutes later I have my own account and I actually laughed at the situation. Looking back, my reaction was pretty funny. But totally appropriate and it worked. I didn't dwell (at least not on that moment,) I didn't try to picture this new person, and I try (and succeed most times) to not picture how she is with him.

Knowing they've moved on helped me put some emotional distance. It helped me objectively see that there's no going back, and that she's gone. Is it always that easy? Hell no. But knowing it's finally over is good. All that's left for me is to pick up my pieces and rebuild. Pick up the pieces OP, who knows maybe you can build something better.

OP, she's gone and that door has closed permanently behind you. [enlighten me] said it best, her moving on is probably the best thing for you. Now you're free, you aren't chained to her anymore.

[rlhmm]

I dont know about you but I kind of looked forward to my exs moving on. It made it easier to detatch.

enlighten me, i'm glad that the ex has moved on... .i just find the psychology fascinating that the sad, angry child that is "BPD" is still trying to lash out passive aggressively at me as she always did. begging for attention from whomever. this has and continues to be very educational.

[enlighten me]

I have to admit the psycology fascinates me aswell. I have two uBPD exs ticking 9 and 7 of the criteria so im as certain as anyone can be that theyre BPD. I also have children with both so while im pretty much over them I still like to learn more about the condition.

Ive also had the post break up niceness from both and it messed with my head. This was before I learnt about BPD. Now it just falls under push pull behaviour for me.

[Tim300]

Ive also had the post break up niceness from both and it messed with my head. This was before I learnt about BPD. Now it just falls under push pull behaviour for me.

Learning about BPD is the ultimate game changer. 

[rlhmm]

Ive also had the post break up niceness from both and it messed with my head. This was before I learnt about BPD. Now it just falls under push pull behaviour for me.

Learning about BPD is the ultimate game changer. 

  no post break up niceness for me... .just bs passive aggressive crap... .like that above... .snipes here and there. thats been her style. very passive aggressive lil child.  yeah it was a game changer alright... .huge learning experience. scary how common it is too... .ugh... . 

[HappyNihilist]

rlhmm, I know it's a shock and a trigger. I'm so sorry.   

I just found out that my exBPDbf is engaged, and quit his job and moved overseas to be with his fiancee. I did not, however, find this out from him, even though we have talked several times since the b/u, as recently as a month ago. I've just been incredibly down and shocked. Knowing about the disorder doesn't make it not break my heart over again.

  hi Happynihilist, it was, and it wasn't, if you know what i mean... .i felt that brief heart jump and then nothing. it would have been worse had i not done the work thus far... .and i'm sorry you are hurting,   at least we arent alone here, we are amongst friends... .i can tell you're a compassionate soul... .so dont waste that on someone undeserving as your exBPDbf. be good to yourself and those deserving... .the ones who matter.       all my best!

Thank you... .that's very kind of you.

I'm so glad all the hard work you've done helped you with this. We really can't take the disorder personally -- and radical acceptance and detachment help us not to do so. You're doing great work. 

I think I'm wired differently than a lot of people here, her finding a replacement made me feel a sorry for the replacement - from the little I've seen of his public profile, he's a nice guy who probably wants to help her, so he's going to go through a confusing Hell this year.

Oh, I feel for my replacement, too... .she has no idea what's in store for her. They haven't quite reached the one-year mark yet, which is when things usually start to crack in his relationships.

I feel bad for all of the women who've had their lives upended and hearts broken by him. He has a sick pride in picking out "strong, independent women" -- he told me several times, "I love strong women... .I love to break them." (And yes, the fact that I brushed aside that very glaring and many others shows that I certainly wasn't the strong, healthy woman I thought I was. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.)

At the same time, I also feel bad for him, because his mind is a living hell. Intellectually I "understand" why he does the things he does. But it doesn't excuse how he hurts people (and himself). It's a painful cycle. At least I have the power to remove myself from the cycle.

[downnout98]

I am waiting to hear the news that my exBPDgf is engaged to my replacement. We have been separated for about three months and she has been with him for 2 1/2 months now. He is practically living at her house now and from what others have said, it is as if she is totally happy. She kept saying that she was most upset because she was having to start overs again. That she thought I was it, we were going to get married and be happy. Now she has to start all overs. She said she is with this guy because she doesn't have time to date around. We are almost 40 and she feels that she wants to be married again soon. Made me think that what we had wasn't really all that special then. It was always about filling her needs.

[rlhmm]

I am waiting to hear the news that my exBPDgf is engaged to my replacement. We have been separated for about three months and she has been with him for 2 1/2 months now. He is practically living at her house now and from what others have said, it is as if she is totally happy. She kept saying that she was most upset because she was having to start overs again. That she thought I was it, we were going to get married and be happy. Now she has to start all overs. She said she is with this guy because she doesn't have time to date around. We are almost 40 and she feels that she wants to be married again soon. Made me think that what we had wasn't really all that special then. It was always about filling her needs.

  your story reads much like mine... .all she wants is to be married, married married... .doesnt matter who... .THEY'RE SICK! they cannot be alone... .they are incapable of loving "normally" they no more loved us than they loved their pasts or our replacements... .its the pathology of their mental illness... .cant take it personal... .its just them. her starting over is her fault, not yours. period. we're safe from their torment and illness... .i'm greatful for that!