Focusing on the negative helps me power through

[Technique]

I remember an instance when we were staying in Manchester overnight. This was not long before our relationship went pop in September.

I had started catching her out in lies. I learned to recognise when she wasn't being truthful. She would act overly defensive, then go completely quiet. Crazy looking back as I was always the one to make the eventual peace. Good grief, she had me well trained. What a sucker... .

Anyway, the evening after we were out with our respective northern friends, and I sent her an 'I love you more the world type text... ' I received nothing back, then when she met me back at the hotel I was still awake. She simply took her kit off and jumped into bed. Obviously this wound me right up (she knew exactly what she was doing of course... In retrospect, I feel so silly to have fallen for it all) It got to the point where I was saying some rather nasty things to her. Part of it was frustration, the other a genuine attempt to get through to her.

She ended up locking herself in the bathroom checking out other hotel rooms in Manchester (it must have been 3am by then) Again, I acted like a prized tool making sure I took care of her by apologising (and sleeping on the floor) My goodness, sometimes I wish I could have a word with that fool...

There were several similar occasions something like this happened. I'd be trying my damnedest to resuscitate the relationship and she would use it as a tool to beat with me.

Oh, and her passing shot as she entered the bathroom was 'I can't believe what I've got myself in to!... .'  

Anytime I find myself daydreaming about what COULD have become of us I remind myself of that night in Manchester...

When we met she chased me and chased me. I wasn't that impressed to be honest. Then she did her thing and I was cast into her web...

[raisins3142]

I also thought of such things.  I now think negative less often as the bonds are broken more and more via no contact.  At a certain point, any thoughts of her, negative or otherwise, were keeping me stuck.  I can't say I have many positive feelings though, at least not of the relationship.  I can wish her well in my head and hope she gets better though.

[going places]

For myself personally, I found focusing on the negative embittered me, and kept me angry/off balance.

Which is right where he wanted to me so he could manipulate me... .

Once I stopped focusing on the past, him, anything negative; I started to move forward!

My focus switched to healing myself, planning my future, setting my goals, etc.

With all of my thoughts and actions focusing on positive things; when a negative comes into play, I do everything I can to send it on it's way AS FAST as I can... .

I have lost HOURS dare I say MONTHS AND MONTHS of my life ruminating, marinading.

No more.

He has NO power over me.

He has NO permission in my head or heart!

[raisins3142]

For myself personally, I found focusing on the negative embittered me, and kept me angry/off balance.

Which is right where he wanted to me so he could manipulate me... .

Once I stopped focusing on the past, him, anything negative; I started to move forward!

My focus switched to healing myself, planning my future, setting my goals, etc.

With all of my thoughts and actions focusing on positive things; when a negative comes into play, I do everything I can to send it on it's way AS FAST as I can... .

I have lost HOURS dare I say MONTHS AND MONTHS of my life ruminating, marinading.

No more.

He has NO power over me.

He has NO permission in my head or heart!

Did focusing on negativity at first help prevent a recycle or for you to regret/second guess the end of the relationship?  For me, it was part of pulling the bandage off so to speak.

[Technique]

Don't be under the impression that I stride around my house angry 24/7 

I'm a strong character with an ego which was slightly bruised by a head case.

I felt bitter for a few weeks on and off, but it didn't take long for me to realise I was best off without her.

[going places]

Did focusing on negativity at first help prevent a recycle or for you to regret/second guess the end of the relationship?  For me, it was part of pulling the bandage off so to speak.

It wasn't so much focusing on the negative (what he did to me and our kids, etc.) as much as it was me coming to grips with the reality that it was NEVER a 'normal' marriage, nor would it ever be a "normal" (read; healthy) marriage and to try again would do more damage to my children and myself.

When I would dwell on the negative, it was very damaging to me and my mental/emotional health, not to mention it was making me a bitter, angry person inside; when my outside looked like I was ok.

I STILL have days (it's been 3 years since the first trauma) that I feel sad, lost, angry, etc... .but the more I focus on my future, the good I am capable of; the goals I have set to obtain... .the further and less harmful my past is.

[nowwhatz]

I am glad that is working for you! Kudos to you.

Focusing on the negative infuriates me. I have been mostly sad and trying not to think about the negative but I am saving a couple of choice negative moments in my memory and or in a text from he that I hope I can whip out to help me remember what she is... .a monster.  I am sorry... .I have had so much compassion and cared so much but her actions make her a monster... .that is my radical acceptance.

[going places]

I am glad that is working for you! Kudos to you.



Focusing on the negative infuriates me. I have been mostly sad and trying not to think about the negative but I am saving a couple of choice negative moments in my memory and or in a text from he that I hope I can whip out to help me remember what she is... .a monster.  I am sorry... .I have had so much compassion and cared so much but her actions make her a monster... .that is my radical acceptance.

I read something somewhere about "indifference" that if you can come to a place where you are 'truly indifferent"... .then the deal is done.

I try so hard not to "look back" or intentionally 'go back' in my mind and heart.

For the same reason. My ex is a monster.

What he did to me and our children is reprehensible.

BUT I myself have to find a way to 'forgive'... .and turn the page.

I have to deal with the reality that hit me in the face like a 2x4.

I have to reconcile in my mind that he is what he is, and it is bad... .and it will never change, The End.

I personally wasted SO MUCH time wondering "why, why me?" + "what did I do wrong" + "how can I fix this / how can I change" + "if he only got help, I can help" + "why did he do this, we had it all" + "make this make sense" + "How could he do this to the kids" + "it was all a lie. My whole marriage, was a faking lie"... .

I will not waste another second.

I am movin.

I am going to be a home owner.

I am going to open my own business.

I am going to be successful, as *I* define it.

I am going live life to it's fullest. I will fulfill God's Plans for me!

THIS is my bread and butter now!

[Pingo]

Hi Technique, I think remembering the negative to balance the daydreaming of the good times is normal and healthy. It's real. It was what happened... .Radical Acceptance as nowwhatz said.  When you have worked through the different stages of grief, you will get to that place of indifference. But you can't fake your way there. It takes time.