Boundaries, explosions, break ups... which way is up

[Depression = 72% of members]

I can't learn fast enough to not be the problem, to resolve the crisis. Maybe someone can teach me better on this situation. The most recent issue I wrote about in my intro post. My partner has big issues with my family. She thinks they are homophobic. The reality is, they gave her respect in the beginning, but she created drama where there was none, and they felt no matter what they did, it was wrong for her. I spent a lot of time trying to get them to do what she needed, but I never could figure out what she needed. When I thought things went well, I'd find out later as she was raging at me that they were jerks to her. And I never felt that way when we were with them. We constantly fight about my family. I'm close to my family, but listening to her you'd think I spent 24/7 with my family. I don't.

Months ago my niece asked me to be her sponsor through church. Months ago my partner didn't have an issue with this. Last week when I told her the dates of the ceremony, my partner put up a huge gay rights movement saying I'm not meeting her needs by sponsoring my niece. I tried holding my ground saying this is who I am, you can accept me for who I am, or you can leave, but I can't change who I am for you. She has been raging ever since. She keeps coming back to me thinking I'll have a different answer, and I hold my ground.

Now she wants to move out. Has been raging at me that this is it, it's final, she's done (I've heard this thousands of times before). But she says this is real. Today she comes to me and says there's no time left for me to pull my head out of my ass and make this right. She's made a ton of sacrifices for me, it's my turn to save this relationship. And when I continue to say, this is who I am, it's your choice to accept me for who I am, or you can leave, she rages at me, tells me how horrible I am as a partner.

I don't know what to do anymore. She says I don't validate her, but she also doesn't validate me. I tried to explain the meaning of this sponsorship to me, but she can't be compassionate about it. I feel no support, I feel my choice to save the relationship is to bail on my niece at the last minute. That's not a healthy choice.

I don't know how to keep these posts short, too many details. I love my partner, I want to save the relationship.But I don't want to do everything on her terms because she threw a tantrum to get her way and continues to drive a wedge between my family & I. I don't know what advice I'm looking for, I want it fixed, but can't fix it. According to her, she's done for good, and moving out next week. I never know if this is the real deal, or not.

[MountainBeach]

I can't learn fast enough to not be the problem, to resolve the crisis. Maybe someone can teach me better on this situation. The most recent issue I wrote about in my intro post. My partner has big issues with my family. She thinks they are homophobic. The reality is, they gave her respect in the beginning, but she created drama where there was none, and they felt no matter what they did, it was wrong for her. I spent a lot of time trying to get them to do what she needed, but I never could figure out what she needed. When I thought things went well, I'd find out later as she was raging at me that they were jerks to her. And I never felt that way when we were with them. We constantly fight about my family. I'm close to my family, but listening to her you'd think I spent 24/7 with my family. I don't.

Months ago my niece asked me to be her sponsor through church. Months ago my partner didn't have an issue with this. Last week when I told her the dates of the ceremony, my partner put up a huge gay rights movement saying I'm not meeting her needs by sponsoring my niece. I tried holding my ground saying this is who I am, you can accept me for who I am, or you can leave, but I can't change who I am for you. She has been raging ever since. She keeps coming back to me thinking I'll have a different answer, and I hold my ground.

Now she wants to move out. Has been raging at me that this is it, it's final, she's done (I've heard this thousands of times before). But she says this is real. Today she comes to me and says there's no time left for me to pull my head out of my ass and make this right. She's made a ton of sacrifices for me, it's my turn to save this relationship. And when I continue to say, this is who I am, it's your choice to accept me for who I am, or you can leave, she rages at me, tells me how horrible I am as a partner.

I don't know what to do anymore. She says I don't validate her, but she also doesn't validate me. I tried to explain the meaning of this sponsorship to me, but she can't be compassionate about it. I feel no support, I feel my choice to save the relationship is to bail on my niece at the last minute. That's not a healthy choice.

I don't know how to keep these posts short, too many details. I love my partner, I want to save the relationship.But I don't want to do everything on her terms because she threw a tantrum to get her way and continues to drive a wedge between my family & I. I don't know what advice I'm looking for, I want it fixed, but can't fix it. According to her, she's done for good, and moving out next week. I never know if this is the real deal, or not.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Mountain Beach- she's given you the all or none choice. Your family or her.

I know that isn't fair, but she's the one who made this her choice. She drew the line in the sand. Them or her.

I don't think you can negotiate. This is the boundary she set up. Is she right? Is this fair? It doesn't matter. Each person has the right to set boundaries.

Is she playing chicken with you? Maybe. Will she regret it? Maybe. Will she recycle ? ( come back) maybe. But you can not control what she does or doesn't do, or how she thinks.

You can only decide for you.

I know this stinks, but - this is how it is. Your choice is to accept the r/s on her terms or not.

[maxsterling]

Wow, this sounds familiar 

Notwendy is correct, here.  You can't fix this.  It's up to her.  In my case my wife always comes around again and calms after a few days.  I think it is because deep down she knows the problem is hers and that her rants are just that - rants.  I am learning to let go and not try and fix things.  Trying to fix is like trying to fill a bottomless pit, or like Charlie Brown kicking the football.  You can't win.

My wife has issues with my family, too. She assumes they hate her and have rejected her.  my observations are completely different- that it is my wife that is rejecting them, and their behavior is in a response to her unstable moods.  In my wife's case, she sometimes claims they are rejecting her because of anti-Semitism, or some other cultural/social status reason.  None of that is true.  The real reason is because she has friended/defriended them all on facebook so many times, and that I have become more distant - they are just wary to get involved.   

[MountainBeach]

Thank You Notwendy. You are a great voice of reason! Thanks for all of your input, I appreciate it. I try not to, but the truths that she holds onto, really makes me question whether I'm doing the right thing or not, she has valid points sometimes. But she takes those valid points to the extremes, which is too much for me.

maxsterling, wow, yes, very similar. I'd explain my family situation the same as you. The facebook shenanigans have happened repeatedly with my family as well. I know my family is concerned for my well being. They see I am not my true self around my family when she's around. But on the flip side, when I'm with her friends and family, I'm truly happy with her. I just don't understand why she can't be her good self when my family is around.

Anyway, she usually does come around to me too, but I think she's really at her breaking point. She doesn't like that I'm standing up for myself and saying no to her. She is very convincing in her version of the truth too, so I think she has backing from her friends/family to leave the relationship because I'm not strong enough for her to call my family out. It's extremely frustrating as I feel like both my family and I are being slandered by her version of the truth to her friends/family.

[Jessica84]

I'm dealing with something similar and struggling to maintain certain boundaries. I've found this link on extinction bursts to be helpful. It may also help explain why she's at her "breaking point"... .stay consistent.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Hang in there!

[MountainBeach]

Thanks Jessica84. I was thinking about extinction bursts as well. And wondering, is this an extinction burst where it's going to get worse before it gets better. Or is this the true end because I refuse to be a doormat and backdown to her demands anymore? So I texted her, trying to show that I'm not leaving, I'm still here. I said I still loved her, and I don't want her to move out. But I also understand she has a choice and if she can't accept me for who I am, I understand.

That didn't go over well. She responded that that's not good enough or even close to good enough to save the relationship. She accused me of being an emotionally abusive, weak, selfish, hypocrite and she's leaving for her own mental sanity and health. She kept coming back to me because she believed in me and us, but no more. She said it's actually my family who doesn't accept who I am, my church who doesn't accept who I am, and deep down I know that. And she can't believe I have the audacity to ask her to go to therapy, it's abusive and why she left therapy in the first place because I blame her for her very valid feelings and I make her prove them to me in my crazy delusions. No amount of therapy will work on me.

So, extinction burst, or she can't be in this relationship anymore? Anyone's guess is as good as mine.

[MaroonLiquid]

I'm wondering if the statement, "If you can't accept me for who I am, then I understand" may have been invalidating, as if to say, I will not change.  It also triggered her iwith abandonment it sounds like.  I Know what you meant, but they don't.  Also know, extinction bursts can last a while.  Just stick to your guns.

[Notwendy]

What is your living arangement? Is she going to move out or do you have to move out? From your posts, it seems as if she is moving out.

If she is determined to move out, you can't really stop her.

Is this an extinction burt or a deal breaker for her ? (chose me or the church/family). I don't know.

Arguing over the way you see your church/family and the way she sees it may not be effective. To me, her homophobia argument doesn't hold water, however, it is typical for people who blame/project to find some other reason besides their own behavior to blame others for.

An extinction burst can be described as like a small child wants to eat cookies before dinner. The parent says no. The child begs, coerces, pleeeese I will eat my dinner, I promise. The parent still says no. The child has a tantrum.

If the parent gives in, then the child knows that all he has to do is persist, have a tantrum, and he gets cookies before dinner. If the parent does not, then eventually the child stops trying since it doesn't work to have a tantrum.

This is why, if this is an extinction burst, and you give in, you have shown her that your boundaries can be violated. If you don't, then she may behave badly, leave. You don't know. I know you care about her and don't want her to leave. Unfortunately you are in a tough spot- you have to choose to honor your boundaries, your values or forsake them for the r/s- and then it is her decision to accept you and your boundaries or not.

Sorry this is tough, but she has chosen to put you in this position. All you can do is choose what you are going to do as you can not control anyone but you.

[MountainBeach]

Hi MaroonLiquid and Notwendy. Thanks for helping during my crisis. Making validating comments is tough work!

We live together in a house I own, so she threatening to move out, and angry that I'm letting her. I've let her move out before, when I thought we were broken up for good. But she continued to come back, and I care too much for her, so I let the recycles happen too. I continue to have hope in these situations that she rages, leaves me, I feel like a human garbage can with the stuff she throws at me, yet, I still love her. Something is wrong with me. I forgive her. I understand it's an illness and forgive. I really shouldn't, I've tried to walk away and be done for good. And then I see her good side, and recycle, only to go through it again with her.

She's raging at me right now. She keeps coming back to me with different arguments of why I should give in to her wishes. She has compelling arguments on this, because when you read the church rules, it says I'm wrong. But she refuses to accept that there are many people out there that are wrong as well, including her friends, but it's ok for them, not for me.

She's made this out to be me not accepting her in our relationship and putting my family first (I've never been that 'out' in the public, and am more 'out' with her than anyone I've been with) in front of her, making her feel invisible. Is there anything I can do to stick to my boundaries, and still show her that I'm putting her first, and she's not invisible. (lots of moving parts in the downfall of our relationship). I do understand that there's not much I can do, I feel helpless because I need to stick to this, and she makes me out to be the villain who doesn't care about our relationship. But if there's something I can do that I'm missing, I'm open to ideas.

[MountainBeach]

Well, she's packing her things and moving out. Not just her clothes, like other times, but packing everything. I can't take this anymore. I tried to stick to my boundary and she becomes a nighmare. I'm tired of being beaten down when she feels threatened by my family (which she swears this is unrelated to my family). I'm hoping I can stay strong and this is the end. I can't do this her way anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me, because I still feel like she's the love of my life.

[Notwendy]

Our boundaries are important because they reflect our values. Sometimes couples have a conflict of values that are deal breakers and other times they are negotiable. We all have a bottom line that we don't budge. If I had a partner who told me " you had better rob a bank or I will leave you", I think I would have to say no. Then the partner would have to make a choice. However, most of us are not faced with such dilemmas, but some involve things we care about.

What part of this argument is hers to define, and what part is yours? What I mean is that these things are a part of you- your spirituality, your relationship to your family, how you express your sexuality. You get to define these for you, not someone else. Is there only one way to be gay? Do all gay people have to agree politically? Can one be religious and gay, or not? Can you love your family even if they all don't agree on religion/politics/gay rights? I think you know your answers to this. Regardless of what happens in your r/s, you get to choose what you value.

She's put you in the position of choosing your truth or hers- or she's leaving.It's a tough bind for you- but she chose to do this and all you can do is make choices for you.

[Jessica84]

Well, she's packing her things and moving out. Not just her clothes, like other times, but packing everything. I can't take this anymore. I tried to stick to my boundary and she becomes a nighmare. I'm tired of being beaten down when she feels threatened by my family (which she swears this is unrelated to my family). I'm hoping I can stay strong and this is the end. I can't do this her way anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me, because I still feel like she's the love of my life.

There is nothing wrong with you.   I'm so sorry for what you're going thru. She's put you in a tough spot. She's probably used to getting her way. This time, you set down a boundary and kept it, and she doesn't like it. Your boundary is not unreasonable. You're simply honoring your values and choosing to keep your word to a family member. That's a good thing! Your gf may come back, she may not. If she comes back with the same ultimatum, be consistent no matter how much you want her back or you'll be battling her again on this one. If she doesn't come back, think of it this way, at least you will still have a family who loves you... .because you chose to protect that part of your life by setting this boundary.

[MountainBeach]

Thank You! It took me a while to realize there was a page 2. Thanks for the support. Words can't express how much I appreciate it. Thank you.