Blaming themselves in the beggining

[blackrazor]

I was thinking about m exBPDgf's behaviour, and it seemed a little different. In the beginning when I was more idealised, she would neurotically think things were her fault. Even minor things that went wrong, that really weren't important she would seem to blame herself. Or if I showed signs of not being happy, she would think she had done something wrong. This was usually backed up with a lot of unnecessary apologies and overusing 'sorry'. I just brushed it off to her being a little dramatic, but in hindsight it seems like its more shame/ low self-worth making her think that she's always the problem. I suppose because I was idealised as this 'great person', things couldn't possibly be my fault, so she blamed herself.

Now once the dysregulation started, 'things' were increasingly my fault. Although sometimes she would except responsibility of her reactions after she was raging. By things I mean perceived problems and issues that were minor and out of proportion. Then once I was painted black, of course everything was my fault, because now i'm a 'bad person' so how could it not be my fault?

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this in their pwBPD?

[HappyNihilist]

Interesting topic, blackrazor!

I think there are quite a few things going on here.

First is the "splitting," or black and white thinking. If a person is good, then that person must be all good with no bad - and vice versa. The idealized partner can't be bad. A lot of borderlines have a deep-seated sense of self-loathing, along with unrealistic expectations, so it's easy to blame themselves.

That inherent self-loathing and negative internal critic - that "punitive self" - eventually gets projected onto the partner, turning the partner into Persecutor and the borderline into Victim.

Along these same lines, the borderline relationship involves a transference of 'parent' onto partner.

[Turkish]

As HN said, it can be transference. My Ex said at the end, "You abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" It was then that I knew that it was over.   And nevermind the arguments which we had when I'd tell her, "I'm not your father," to which she'd respond, "I know you're not my father!"

Funny, but it kind of felt like it at the time.

A lot of it is also Projection .

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

[Sunfl0wer]

Absolutely YES!  My uBPDexbf was exactly like that! The first year he went out of his way to make me happy.  Anything that went a tiny bit wrong he would apologize, put effort in convincing me it was a misunderstanding and then agree with my thinking or he would just go out of his way after to be super sweet.  It actually bothered me that he did this.  I knew his exwifeuBPD was a controlling bully so I just assumed he was being that way due to PTSD.  I assumed he was programmed to be too nice to avoid his ex raging at him or threatening him.  I spent much time trying to teach him to have his own opinions on things.  I'd double check to be sure he was speaking his mind and not just going along.

But after we moved in, after the first year... .it began to change.  Until now, and it is just the opposite.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I've read many threads on these boards the last 4.5 months and it always amazes me in the similarity of stories here. I always think it's possible that my exgf who is not a diagnosed BPD couldn't possibly have a mental illness, she is way too high functioning and we were together almost 10 years. Then I read a new thread, strangers respond and most everyone shares a similar experience!

None of my other gfs ever mentioned anything about me being like a parent or saying similar things as a parent. Remarkably, on many occassions my uBPDexgf would mention that I said things that were exactly what her mother had said. I used to think that was a good thing because I figured she admired her mother so much. I now believe she probably deep down hates her mother. I know I don't particularly care for her as she is too condemning of my exgf and a pretty big control freak.

And I too share similar experiences mentioned here about admitting being at fault... .

[blackrazor]

Interesting responses! That does sound a lot like it, increasing the projection of her feelings onto me and the increasing need for me to meet all of these needs, that seem to come out of nowhere. I always had to do something different to meet her needs, sometimes even contradicting themselves, this coincided with the dysregulation.

To be honest at the start she acted more like a co-dependant, basing her worth off what I thought, and trying to please me. She definitely seems to put more effort into her other relationships than they do to her, such as her closer friends. By that i mean they act normally, but she goes a bit above and beyond. This isn't a bad thing per se, but I think the motivation for her doing this is related to basing her worth on what others think of her.

As we got closer the pain for her increased and she was more and more concerned with her pain, naturally. Eventually this pain got so much that she couldn't interact with me, as I was the trigger to her pain. I think the ending was really that simple, it seemed complicated at first but if you read between the lines of what she said (luckily it was in text so I can re-read it   ), it was basically: Being with you causes me pain, I'm not entirely sure why but since it involves you its probably your fault, so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore. Although you could tell, barely, but there was still a hint of her blaming herself, and deep down I think she knew.

I should also add, she was somewhat aware that she had a lot of emotions that weren't the same as other people and I also think she was aware that logically they didn't make much sense. Obviously she couldn't overcome the emotions when they got intense. I wonder if this increased self awareness has anything to do with the self-blaming?

[Sunfl0wer]

Being with you causes me pain, I'm not entirely sure why but since it involves you its probably your fault, so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

Exactly

[downwhim]

Mine never too the blame for anything even in the beginning at the end though -Projection - heavy projection. I remember during the b/u month he projected his guilt, shame, anger and every BPD trait on me. He was planning the b/u email and wanting to get rid of me. I cannot begin to tell you how painful carrying around HIS pain was. I went to the doctor and got anti-anxiety pills. Whew, I am so grateful that is over. I literally thought my stomach was going to burst. Sleeping pills, anti-anxiety and his raging.

[Turkish]

Being with you causes me pain, I'm not entirely sure why but since it involves you its probably your fault, so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

Exactly

Mine said, "I feel like you're throwing my 'sickness' in my face." That was her word, "sick." I never called her that. So she "had to leave" because I was her trigger. Our r/s brought everything to the surface, and resulted in her cheating, the one thing she hated (due to her father's continued cheating his whole marriage, including being caught with another "kept woman" in 2013). Shame. I really think that we would not be able to work through it. I speculate that it is because she would not forgive me if the roles were reversed.

[DyingLove]

I was thinking about m exBPDgf's behaviour, and it seemed a little different. In the beginning when I was more idealised, she would neurotically think things were her fault. Even minor things that went wrong, that really weren't important she would seem to blame herself. Or if I showed signs of not being happy, she would think she had done something wrong. This was usually backed up with a lot of unnecessary apologies and overusing 'sorry'. I just brushed it off to her being a little dramatic, but in hindsight it seems like its more shame/ low self-worth making her think that she's always the problem. I suppose because I was idealised as this 'great person', things couldn't possibly be my fault, so she blamed herself.

Now once the dysregulation started, 'things' were increasingly my fault. Although sometimes she would except responsibility of her reactions after she was raging. By things I mean perceived problems and issues that were minor and out of proportion. Then once I was painted black, of course everything was my fault, because now i'm a 'bad person' so how could it not be my fault?

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this in their pwBPD?

Yes blackrazor. She was ALWAYS apologizing for EVERYTHING!  Bump into me, SORRY! Touch me unexpectedly, SORRY! Walk in front of somebody at Walmart: Oh SORRY excuse us!

You name it.  I got used to it and stopped commenting... .because my comments did NOT make her come to any realization that there was no need for apologies.  In fact, a couple of times in JEST, after she said she was sorry, I replied: You better be!  and then I would laugh and say: No biggie.  Another thing she did quite often when I first moved here... .she would cover her mouth with her hand while she ate/chewed.  She's got a lousy set of teeth (what is left of them. She's got the fronts but hardly any rear.  She's alway in mouth pain of some sort.

Although I have little regard for her family anymore, she's made me out to be the villain, I remember her mother saying to me... .Why does she need to apologize for everything?  So it's noticed.

One of the first ODD things I remember her saying to me was: "I have a way of pushing people away from me."  I didn't think much of it.  I knew next to nothing about issues like BPD.  That's my story. You aren't alone.  Oh and by the way, her 9yo daughter is doing the same thing now too.  She's got problems for sure.

[HappyNihilist]

Being with you causes me pain, I'm not entirely sure why but since it involves you its probably your fault, so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

Exactly

Yep, that's pretty much perfect.

I should also add, she was somewhat aware that she had a lot of emotions that weren't the same as other people and I also think she was aware that logically they didn't make much sense. Obviously she couldn't overcome the emotions when they got intense. I wonder if this increased self awareness has anything to do with the self-blaming?

Self-awareness can definitely make things more difficult for a borderline. My exBPDbf is very self-aware and has had years of therapy. He has sad lucid phases where he absolutely hates himself for what he does. I've watched him hit himself in the head, over and over, and call himself horrible names while bemoaning the fact that he "always pushes away people he cares about." This toxic sludge just gets added to the layers and layers of internalized shame, anger, hate, and negativity.

Small wonder that they keep projecting it all onto others, rather than live within that hell (or go through the painful process of working through it).

[blackrazor]

I should also add, she was somewhat aware that she had a lot of emotions that weren't the same as other people and I also think she was aware that logically they didn't make much sense. Obviously she couldn't overcome the emotions when they got intense. I wonder if this increased self awareness has anything to do with the self-blaming?

Self-awareness can definitely make things more difficult for a borderline. My exBPDbf is very self-aware and has had years of therapy. He has sad lucid phases where he absolutely hates himself for what he does. I've watched him hit himself in the head, over and over, and call himself horrible names while bemoaning the fact that he "always pushes away people he cares about." This toxic sludge just gets added to the layers and layers of internalized shame, anger, hate, and negativity.

Small wonder that they keep projecting it all onto others, rather than live within that hell (or go through the painful process of working through it).

Funny you should say that, I witnessed the exact same thing! After raging at me or getting upset, I cant remember exactly, she calmed down later and apologised somewhat. Then she started hitting herself in the head with her hand, not super hard but hard enough, presumably out of frustration in her reactions. I think she might of even said something like 'I don't know why I do this [getting angry]'. I wish I had paid more attention to it now!

I do feel sorry for her and other BPD's. She wasn't particularly malicious to me, and I can feel a bit better that most of her actions were done out of self preservation. Maybe its wishful thinking but I like to think I saw/liked the good person underneath it all. Although on the other hand, I've seen lots of worse BPD stories on here, so im not surprised when people say some of the negative things they do.

Well its good to know that other people have had the same experience, maybe these particular cases are the less dysfunctional ones, who knows!

[apollotech]

Being with you causes me pain, I'm not entirely sure why but since it involves you its probably your fault, so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

Blackrazor,

I am sorry to hear that you are caught up in the BPD chaos. This is a little off topic, but her text caught my attention. If you break it down I think it represents how her polorized (black/white) thinking led her to an illogical conclusion:

PROBLEM = "Being with you causes me pain"

CONFUSION = "I'm not entirely sure why"

HYPOTHESIS = "but since it involves you" (notice that there is only one possible conclusion, which she quickly jumps to in the next phase)

CONCLUSION = "it's probably your fault"

SOLUTION = "so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore." (this solution allows her to accept no responsibility in dealing with/mitigating her own pain, very clean for a pwBPD)

And we, the Non's, are sometimes crazy enough to think that we can reason with a pwBPD. No way can that illogical logic be defeated.

[Hope0807]

I experienced exactly this.  My ex blamed himself for YEARS…right up until the very end.  Blaming himself, tears, apologies, and promises to get help and stop repeating the same behaviors was what kept me hooked into a SEEMINGLY insightful person who SEEMINGLY genuinely wanted to make improvements.  It was sick and beyond cruel.

In the end I was painted the darkest BLACK.

I was thinking about m exBPDgf's behaviour, and it seemed a little different. In the beginning when I was more idealised, she would neurotically think things were her fault. Even minor things that went wrong, that really weren't important she would seem to blame herself. Or if I showed signs of not being happy, she would think she had done something wrong. This was usually backed up with a lot of unnecessary apologies and overusing 'sorry'. I just brushed it off to her being a little dramatic, but in hindsight it seems like its more shame/ low self-worth making her think that she's always the problem. I suppose because I was idealised as this 'great person', things couldn't possibly be my fault, so she blamed herself.

Now once the dysregulation started, 'things' were increasingly my fault. Although sometimes she would except responsibility of her reactions after she was raging. By things I mean perceived problems and issues that were minor and out of proportion. Then once I was painted black, of course everything was my fault, because now i'm a 'bad person' so how could it not be my fault?

I was wondering if anyone else experienced this in their pwBPD?

[blackrazor]

Being with you causes me pain, I'm not entirely sure why but since it involves you its probably your fault, so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore.

Blackrazor,

I am sorry to hear that you are caught up in the BPD chaos. This is a little off topic, but her text caught my attention. If you break it down I think it represents how her polorized (black/white) thinking led her to an illogical conclusion:

PROBLEM = "Being with you causes me pain"

CONFUSION = "I'm not entirely sure why"

HYPOTHESIS = "but since it involves you" (notice that there is only one possible conclusion, which she quickly jumps to in the next phase)

CONCLUSION = "it's probably your fault"

SOLUTION = "so I will blame you and avoid you because I don't want to feel the pain anymore." (this solution allows her to accept no responsibility in dealing with/mitigating her own pain, very clean for a pwBPD)

And we, the Non's, are sometimes crazy enough to think that we can reason with a pwBPD. No way can that illogical logic be defeated.

Perhaps I didn't make it clear, but that is my summary of her thought process. However, she did say these things phrased differently, although it was spread out and mixed in with blaming me for other things, various projections and irrational comments. She did say though 'you cause me pain/you make me feel bad', 'i dont like how you are/what you say', 'im tired and upset about everything', 'I don't want to know anything about you/ I wont see you again'So sometimes it's hard to make sense of things at the time. But now it seems it is this simple for her.

Pathological Shame/Low self-worth> Fear of abandonment>Pain from fear and shame>Avoid pain (natural human instinct)