signs of self-awareness?

[Jessica84]

Lately my uBPDbf has started giving me a number on a scale of 1-10 to let me know how he's feeling. At first, he didn't tell me what it meant. One day he randomly texted me with the number 9. No explanation, just a number. I read it like HUH? My mindreading skills failed me... .Now that he's explained, I really like it. He'll text something now like "I'm an 8 right now. Can I call you when I'm more like a 6?"

Of course the number could change in seconds... in which case he gives me a new one. I don't take his number personally. Those are his feelings. The fact that he's found a way to quantify them is amazing.

It's not an exact science, but it helps me understand the intensity of his feelings in that moment. The higher the number, I know the less I say the better (at risk of being invalidating).

What a great tool. Gives me some hope... .like a small step toward self-awareness. This has been a painful process for him, but I think a necessary one.

I can safely ask him "what's your number right now?" since there's nothing he likes more than talking about himself! He'll pause for a second to think about it, then give a number and maybe some jumbled up explanation. Then I can rephrase what he says until I understand it - although sometimes I can sound like a parrot. I'm working on my parrot-speak. All I know is it sure is easier to validate once I know both the emotions and the level of intensity behind them. Less confusion and mind-reading on my part.

Has anyone seen this before or something similar?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I think this is a great step.  I truly do.  Where did he pick this up?  Our MC gave us a worksheet during our first visit, and it said to rank our moods on a 1-10 scale, and that if we are above a certain level we should take a break from our disagreement as to not make things worse.  I wonder if he read something similar. 

His giving you numbers is the same as him asking for space - a very positive thing.  After all, there are times when you want space and need to ask for it, right?  I also think this is great because he is admitting his distress to you, and warning you to give him space so that he doesn't get in more distress.

[Jessica84]

Exactly Maxsterling. When his number is high, I give him space - mostly because I don't want to push him over the edge - and admittedly, to protect my own mental health from the awful things he might say. What's odd is his number can be very high, yet he seems "normal". So all those times he blew up seemingly out of nowhere he was probably already at an 8 or 9. I just couldn't see it.

I don't know where he picked this up? He's been talking a lot about trying to "regulate his moods". He's also been using terms like "triangulate" as in, when he doesn't get an email response, he'll cc other people on it until he provokes a response. The 1-10 scale and the way he's talking lately makes me wonder if he's not reading up on... .something?... .he certainly isn't getting that from therapy, since he doesn't go.

[maxsterling]

He could be reading an online message board, just like we read this one  

Interesting that he reports high numbers, but to you he seems okay.  I think that tells us something about the nature of this disorder, and about our "normalizing" their behavior over time.  I bet if my wife did the same thing, probably 80% of the time she would rate herself as a 7 or above.  Probably very, very rarely she would rate herself below 5.  She admits to this - that her life is a continuous struggle to stay happy and positive.  Last night she said to me that she spends 24/7 worrying about what other people think of her. 

On the other hand, what does that say about us when they are so distressed, and yet we don't notice?  I think that is a problem I deal with having been around BPD for two years.  I forget what "normal" is.  If she is typically at a level 7, and I have lived with her at level 7 for a long time, level 7 begins to look normal.

[Jessica84]

That's interesting. He says the same thing - what a struggle it is to be content.

WOW, I hope he isn't reading THIS message board!  

I hear what you're saying about 7 becoming normal. At least if they're going to live at a 7, we don't have to. We can meet them where they're at without bringing our number up. When we first met, everything he did was a shock and increased my anxiety (and my number!). I didn't know anything about BPD. I just thought he had a horrible dark side - he was very Jeckyl/Hyde. It was really bad when I let him push me to a 9 while he was a 9. I don't miss those days. I felt like a lunatic losing her mind and believing everything was all my fault.

I'm glad to see he's trying to pay attention to his feelings and understand his behavior. That's a first for him. No more drinking or gambling away the pain. Far less lashing out and blaming. Maybe it's not too late to learn new coping skills?

[Chosen]

I think that's great.  At least he can admit he's feeling upset, even if it's not with words but numbers.  My uBPDh doesn't.  The learning's all on my part: when he does THIS it means he's UPSET, when he answers in a certain way it means he's xyz... .

 And obviously I can never learn quick enough.

[Cat Familiar]

The first time I ever heard about the number thing was when I had a regular relationship with a shuttle driver for years when I flew to see my mother. We developed a friendship and would share stories about our lives. He had a rather volatile girlfriend and one time he told me about her having a fit about something that seemed rather inconsequential.

So later he asked her on a scale of 1 to 10 to rank her reaction. She said it was about an 8 or 9. Then he asked her to rate how important the issue was and she rated it at a 2. He told her, "You might want to think about getting those numbers a bit closer together." I thought that was brilliant!

[Jessica84]

That IS brilliant! He does something similar when he's having an "OCD attack". I call it a "You're spinning yourself out of control attack".

He'll ask himself a series of questions using some numerical rating system. He's actually been doing this one for years since his original diagnosis was OCD. I have OCD too so he tried it on me... .

What would happen if you did/didn't do xyz today? answer.

How would you feel about that outcome (1-10)? how would you feel tomorrow? next month? next year? 5 years?

(in theory, the number should get lower)

This doesn't work on me, but he swears by it. Says it calms him down. Hey, whatever works!

[Jessica84]

I think that's great.  At least he can admit he's feeling upset, even if it's not with words but numbers.  My uBPDh doesn't.  The learning's all on my part: when he does THIS it means he's UPSET, when he answers in a certain way it means he's xyz... .

 And obviously I can never learn quick enough.

I know the feeling. My mindreading and psychic skills are terrible. Anything that cuts down on my guessing wrong is a blessing.