I Finally Gave Up

[downandin]

I stopped being myself and now am like a big mound of silly putty.  That's what it takes, folks!  You just let them daily shape you into what they want at that time, and the rages and everything else pretty much goes away.  Sure, you have absolutely no worth and no identity, but at least there is no conflict.  It has worked for over a year now for me.  I have resigned and given up.  I'll work until I die, because she has us in so much debt.  Our kids will have nothing, and I'll be glad to be at rest.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WalrusGumboot]

Hi downandin,

Choosing to stay with your pwBPD is one thing, but resigning yourself to stay because you feel you have no other option should be alarming to you.

I was in your shoes five or six years ago. I felt like I had no choice, being so deeply in debt just as you are. As low as you think you have sunk, there is always lower. You might have "no conflict" between you and your pwBPD, but you still have plenty of it churning inside of you.

You need to self-evaluate yourself. Back in those days, I was overeating and eating really bad food. I realize now that I was trying to commit some kind of silent suicide because death seemed like the only way out. It is NOT the only way out!

Peace.

[downandin]

Hi downandin,

Choosing to stay with your pwBPD is one thing, but resigning yourself to stay because you feel you have no other option should be alarming to you.

Maybe in the future I will have other options (I doubt it), but right now I do not.  All my 3 stepsons have mental issues, but the youngest has just been diagnosed with severe OCD.  Kind of like BPD, until you see it in action, you have absolutely no idea of how bad it can be.  It's not the stereotypical "germophobic, perfectly organized geeky person" from TV, I promise you that.  It is a monster that is probably on some levels even worse than BPD. 

My beautiful 18 year old son is literally dying inside because of this monster.  His OCD manifests itself mostly as troubling thoughts that he cannot remove from his mind.  They mostly center on 'hypermorality' and seperation (death) anxiety.  He was abandoned by his biological father, and I do not believe he could survive me leaving.  He is in treatment, but, to be honest I cannot see that it is helping.  He refuses to try to sleep, because he says that when it is quiet, his mind is the loudest.  He usually goes until he simply becomes so exhausted that sleep is no longer an option, but a biological necessity.  Sometimes he doesn't eat properly.  He told me yesterday, ':)ad, my mind is so exhausted.' 

I am now blamed for his issues, of course.  I am not very religious, and my wife is/was.  She has now rededicated herself to the faith, and says that she should have never allowed me to lead them away from church.  She thinks that our son's issues are because he didn't attend church regularly after she married me.  I actually feel like the opposite may be true.  She is from a very conservative 'Pentecostal' family, and all the children were 'saved' before they even knew what that term was supposed to mean.  I think my son's 'hypermorality' stems from never feeling good enough.  Anyway, that is moving away from the original intent of my post. 

I now have to find a way to somehow mold my semi-agnostic self into a conservative Christian 'spiritul leader' for the family.  Wish me luck.     

[maxsterling]

Sorry you are facing this   I will say this - staying is one thing, but trying to be something you are not is spiritual suicide.  What you are talking about is not just changing behaviors, but changing your core.  It will kill you. 

There are plenty of people on here who choose to stay because of circumstances in their life make staying a much easier option in the short term than leaving.  Health issues of them, their spouse, or children are certainly very good reasons to stay.  So are financial reasons.  And these folks find a way to cope and make things more tolerable until they can get in a better position to make a decision.  But key to their success is realizing that they are CHOOSING to stay, and not that they are FORCED to. 

I feel that having a spouse who has BPD is nearly impossible.  It truly takes a TON of work on our end, more work than most people would ever be willing to put up with.  In my case, I had to let go of the idea that my relationship with my wife would never ever be what is considered normal or healthy, that she would always see me as an emotional caretaker, and keeping my personal identity would be a continual struggle of enforcing boundaries.  Once I could accept that, I recognized that I could CHOOSE to stay or CHOOSE to leave.  I have chosen to stay. 

We all have to give up a piece of ourselves to be in any relationship.  But with a BPD partner, we have to give up a larger piece of ourselves.  We need to be careful about how much we give away and not let us pass a "point of no return" where we have nothing left of ourselves. 

[downandin]

Sorry you are facing this   I will say this - staying is one thing, but trying to be something you are not is spiritual suicide.  What you are talking about is not just changing behaviors, but changing your core.  It will kill you. 

You're right, of course.  I only manage to keep my sanity by keeping a little bit of my real 'core' alive within myself and shared with a very few friends.  I just have learned not to ever really let it be seen by her.  I am becoming a very good character actor, though... .

Maybe I should change my username to Mr. Bill?

[foggydew]

I don't wish you luck in that endeavour. I wish you the strength to be authentic, and yourself. Mental illness does devour the sufferers - my stepson suffered from schizophrenia, and I will never forget the look in his eyes, as if he were drowning. But the only thing to do is be yourself, precisely because of that. That is also a source of strength. You need all your wits, all your strength, all your intelligence to get through these things. And there I wish you not luck, but success in dealing with these torments, and the satisfaction and peace that comes later. It comes.

[Chosen]

downandin,

I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped.  I probably would be if I were in your shoes.

But I have to say that you're killing yourself doing it, and you're worth more than that. 

When you look at that long road and all you see if no future and no hope, how could you walk on for the rest of your life?

I understand that you have your children to take care of, and other financial issues, and you can't simply walk out of your marriage and leave everything.  However, the other option you mentioned, i.e. to kill yourself sacrificing for the family, to bend backwards so that you have no self worth anymore just to stop the rages, is NOT the only option.

You can stay in your marriage, but if you have no respect for yourself anymore because of what happened, then your wife is never going to respect you and things are never going to change.  In the end you will feel more and more drained, and how long can you carry on? 

I feel that having a spouse who has BPD is nearly impossible.  It truly takes a TON of work on our end, more work than most people would ever be willing to put up with.  In my case, I had to let go of the idea that my relationship with my wife would never ever be what is considered normal or healthy, that she would always see me as an emotional caretaker, and keeping my personal identity would be a continual struggle of enforcing boundaries.  Once I could accept that, I recognized that I could CHOOSE to stay or CHOOSE to leave.  I have chosen to stay. 

You have already done so much more than other people in "normal" relationships, that's incredible, that shows a lot of strength on your part.  Even if your wife doesn't see it, don't lose it.  Don't give up on yourself.  Also, even if you're force to stay (let's suppose you really can't leave), they can't force you to do anything, right?  You put yourself down so that she doesn't rage, that you guys have some peace; to me that is a personal choice, and a choice which shows strength.  You put peace first.  I know this sounds wishy-washy and impractical, but I'll tell you, this was how I found inner strength and worth again.  In order for my marriage to improve, I put down my self-worth WILLINGLY (sometimes) because I know I'm with a BPD person.  I have adjusted my expectations. 

Sorry I have gone on for too long, I just want you to know that you're incredible for having gone this far; you have it in you, even though you may not see it now.

[empathic]

I recall your posts from before. I think you're really strong inside, but feel down because of these external factors. There is always hope, but you probably can't see it right now.

Sorry to hear about your stepsons OCD. I've been fighting the type you mention myself, and it's an absolutely terrifying monster. I have it under control now though (therapy and meds), so I'm a living example that it can be conquered. There came a turning point where I got better enough to stop asking for reassurement from others all the time and that was my road to recovery. I wish you the best.

[downandin]

Sorry to hear about your stepsons OCD. I've been fighting the type you mention myself, and it's an absolutely terrifying monster. I have it under control now though (therapy and meds), so I'm a living example that it can be conquered. There came a turning point where I got better enough to stop asking for reassurement from others all the time and that was my road to recovery. I wish you the best.

My son is on Zoloft and is seeing a Clinical Psychologist.  Maybe in time he will be able to control his like you have been able to do.  It is very troubling to see him in this state.  He has 'bad' thoughts, so he thinks that makes him evil.  He also keeps questioning if there is life after death and obsessing on this.  This is of course where my wife's blaming me comes in.  I am once again under that proverbial bolder in my avatar.  I am trying to pretend to be something I am not, because I don't want to be in any way responsible for my son's issues.  So I am enabling her and yet I am trying to help him, but by enabling am I going to make my son hate me in the long run?  I've been reading a thread on this in the forum for children of BPDs, and I am really, really confused now.  I thought I was doing right by keeping the peace.  Now, I don't know what to do. 

[yeeter]

I will chime in with the liberation that comes with a feeling of CHOICE.

Ironically, in some ways it can only come after 'giving up'.  At least giving up certain preconceived ideas on what the relationship is about.  Then comes grieving (depression, bargaining), finally ACCEPTANCE after which you can make CHOICEs for YOURSELF. 

Now you might feel you are choosing between two crappy choices (staying vs leaving - fact is there is no easy choice).  But choose you must (Yoda)

So my advice is, use the concept of giving up to quit caring so much about what her behavior is/isnt.  Detach.  Then make some choices that benefit you (there really isnt much downside, you are damned if you damned if you dont, so you may as well do some of your own thing).  Of course you cant make her do anything, so your choices have to be things completely within your own control.

This also means simply being the person you want to be.  Stand tall and lead by behavior and example.  Be proud of these actions and behaviors.  Everyone else will figure it out in time, and you will be surprised the support you get from friends/family/community.  Your children need this positive role model and example (and yes at first she will try to brainwash/control their thinking, but over time leading by example will influence them in a very positive way).

Tough times and I feel for you.  Indeed I was in a state like this at one point of the relationship.  It stemmed from fear of my spouse coupled with depression and hopelessness.  My way out was to focus on my children and put my energy there.  Things can improve, although it might not feel like it at the moment.

Hugs your way.

[sad]

 I am going threw a very hard time too with my wife of twenty years. I don't talk on this board much but i read a lot about the advice folks give here. Listen to yetter it is good advice.

[going places]

I stopped being myself and now am like a big mound of silly putty.  That's what it takes, folks!  You just let them daily shape you into what they want at that time, and the rages and everything else pretty much goes away.

I remember laying in bed December 2011, just 5 months after his mask fell off and I busted him 8 months deep into an affair... .

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, emotionally and mentally drained, exhausted from my thoughts, and trying to 'make this work'... .to say out loud to him "well, this is it. this is my life. I have a choice. Live with it or not."

He goes into his "this is not fair to you, I will stop ______ I will do_____I love you bla bla bla, lies lies lies".

And 2 weeks later, it's right back to where I was before; ready to succumb

Sure, you have absolutely no worth and no identity, but at least there is no conflict.  It has worked for over a year now for me.  I have resigned and given up.  I'll work until I die, because she has us in so much debt.  Our kids will have nothing, and I'll be glad to be at rest.

You want to hear something disgusting?

My ex compared me to the woman he was having an affair with... .so you know what I did?

I went out and bought a new wardrobe, new under garments, new shoes/boots, new coat, hair, make up; I stopped doing the things *I* loved and put my 100% focus on what he saw in her; I became her so he would not leave me... .and you know what? It STILL wasn't enough.

I lost myself, no I sacrified myself of the alter of him... .

It has been 8 months since the divorce, 7 months since I threw him out and 7 months since I have seen his face. Our house JUST sold last week, so now we have nothing tying us together (kids are adults).

3 months after I threw him out, I started to feel like "me" again.

5 months after I threw him out, I started to see clearly what happened.

Now at the 7 month point; I no longer burn with hate and anger... .I'm really at a place of indifference.

I no longer care what he's doing or who he's doing it with.

I do not long for the recycle, the what if's; I have walked out of the FOG.

I almost completely lost myself.

I was on the brink of self destruction.

I talked to my GP who put me in touch with an abuse advocate.

This outreach saved my life. Literally.

I am so glad I went and talked to an advocate. I am go glad, I went to group meetings.

I am so glad, I read every book (medical, text, etc) I could get my hands on explaining what happened to me.

And I am so glad we are apart.

I can breathe, I can live... .I have dreams and goals; and I will obtain them!

Please, don't give up. Please.