The Ultimate Replacement and the Next Best Replacement

Reading lm911's thread about the fear of being replaced go me to reflect on my role on one of the Ulimate Replacements in my expbdgf's life.

In the last 15 years my exgf has had 2 monagomous relationships (where she didn't mess around). Number 1 was with her exhusband for 10 years and number 2 was with me... .on and off but more on than off over the last 4 years.

Neither of us are classic doormats but both of us have been devalued and idealized. I have come to realize the ex-husband is the true Ultimate Replacement for the exgf and I am, thankfully, the next best thing.

Here are some facts that might spread additional awareness of on how these r/s play out.

1. The Ex-Husband - The Ultimate Replacement.

Went to Mexico 15 years and and rescued the exgf, a victim of infidelity and a single parent, started a r/s and eventually married her and brought her to the US.

Within a couple of years somethign went wrong. The Ultimate Replacement stopped having sex with her and began cheating on her with an older and less attractive woman.

The exgf shared with me that during their marriage she had an abortion without telling him to hurt him.

In late 2010 she found out about the infidelity, tried to kill herself, moved out of her house and moved back in. He moved out for good to live with his much older less attractive g/f.

2. Enter the Next Best Replacement Me - I am very diffeent in personalty from the exhb. I am an extrovert and was a person with high self-confidence, a good job, and fun... .likes to go out where the exhb likes to stay home and smoke pot. The exgf and I have super mutual attraction and fall in "love" almost immediatly. Now it is my turn to rescue her from her cheating husband.

Withing a few months she is moving into my home. She is an emotional basket-case and after a couple of months our r/s begins to go downhill. After 5 months I kick her out. She has no place to go.

3. Re-enter the Ultimate Replacement - The ex-hb (they are separated and he is living with the same gf) quickly puts her up in an apt under his name and helps her financially.

She goes into a "wild" period where she is meeting a lot of different guys.

4. Re-enter the Next Best Replacement Me - A series of recycles occur. She returns and apologizes each time and we resume the cycle of hot sex, "love" fun and adventure. After about 45 days of each recycle she suddenly wants to be wild and again and is not "ready for a r/s." We continue to have sex occasionally as "friend" and go through periodic periods of NC lasting no more than 3 months. Near the end of 2012 we begin another recycle. Around Feb 2013 she goes into the I am "not ready for a r/s" thing again. I do not see, talk or hear from her again until the end of Sept. 2013.

5. The Ultimate Replacement Tries Again - Incredibly the ex-hb takes her back, breaks up with his long-term gf, and the family is restored. I find out about this and am almost detached and wish them the best... .hoping that he is her "true love" and they will live happily ever after.

Within about 3 months things start to go downhill between them and he wants out. She is distraught and commits a serious crime to "hurt him!" The exhb hires a very expensive criminal defense lawyer. This is a serious case which could involve possible long term prison and deportation. She begins acting out by cutting herself.

6. The Next Best Replacement Me Tries again - She contacts me at the end of Sep 2013 to talk. We see each other and start back up as if nothing has happenned. Things seem different this time and I learn her lawyer is making her go to treatment as part of her court case.

She continues to live in the apt with her son... .the exhb has moved back to his exgf's house but continues to financially support her and pays about 20k for her legal defense as well as all expenses.

Her and I continue to date and start a surprisingly stable r/s into 2014 (she is in treatment an on proper meds). She is scared that she might go to jail and get deported. In May of 2014 she moves in with me. Things are as good as they every have been and our r/s is lasting more than the usual 45-60 days. She goes to court in July/Aug and is able to get most of the charges dismissed and is convicted of a lesser crime... .still a felony... .but has to pay restitution and there are a lot of conditions of her probation. She gets divorces legally finally... all legal fees paid for my ex-hb.

Around the fall of 2014 it is apparent that things are not going that well. She is gaining weight, not doing much, not interested in sex. I try to help... .make many suggestions ... .try to help her get a job. No go. Her son has moved in with me around Sept after being kicked out of his roommates home after he takes the roommate's gf.

Fast forward to Nov 2014... .the exBPDgf moves out to an apt. Lease in name of son's gf who pays most of the bills. I help the exgf by loaning her $300 in Nov and $300 in Dec for rent.

Fast forward to xmas eve 2014 the 2 of us agree to end r/s as a couple. Fast forward to Jan 2015... .somehow her and I recycle into an intense friends in name only recycle which is really a r/s. We tell each other we love each other and don't want either of us to have sex with anyone else... .now back to an idealization stage I haven't experience since 2012.

That falls apart after 45 days when she acts out sexually with 3 different guys and regresses to a nasty person... .she has been out of treatment for about 6 months.

I end the "friendship" dump her - she is shocked. I have totally dropped her and made it clear I will not resue her again, have sex with her again, and tell her to get treatment.

What about the Ultimate Replacement?

The ex-hb continues to support her financially to this day.

For those of us who are in fear that our ex's will find someone else and be happy please consider the experiences I have written about. For the BPD person it doesn't get any better than the ex-hb and me the ex-bf as far as replacements go. If there was a Replacement Hall of Fame we would be enshrined on the first ballot!

There is no way the exBPD gf will every be happy in a r/s unless she is able to be "cured." She has had the best the Replacement World can offer.



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