Ex fiance 5 years and a daughter... its been 10 months, can you relate?

[m-and-m]

Well, this is the first time i have been here... .reading these threads has helped! So here goes my story and the struggles i have been dealing with. first ( i wish this site would auto capitalize i)

So i got with a woman back in 2009, the relationship at first was great! there was a connection, she was beautiful, and older than me... which i was looking for a mature woman, i had been divorced and had 2 children! So i wasnt looking for a young woman that couldnt handle that. Anyway, we were together for awhile and things were kind of great! I never felt so wanted in my life, but then it was almost too much... .she needed me almost all the time! it was overwhelming. Then the crazy stuff started, she said she had epilepsy... Okay, thats a bummer. But the only time she would have a "seizure" was when something was going wrong... For example, we would be in an argument where i was making valid points  so... .Drop to the ground! hmmm the first couple i was legitimately concerned... .but then i noticed a pattern, she didnt want to go somewhere that we had to go, so... .drop on the ground. she didnt want me to leave... .so drop on the ground... .eventually i would just walk away, it made me feel like a monster, but there was a pattern. And to top it off, what kind of 30 to 35 year old who claims epilepsy doesnt get treated for it? when asked she said the meds made her feel like crap, granted i never seen her go to a dr for it.

so that was the beginning of questionable behavior. At one point i was going to break up with her... .i think she realized it, and really started to grab my attention sexually! then the "we cant use condoms, they are turning me red, i must be allergic." and "the Dr. said i would never have a baby because of scar tissue from an abortion." well guess what... .she got pregnant! Then there was a time, probably about a year into our relationship, she was still living with her sister at the time... .She made a dentist appointment, said she called and all was taken care of and needed me to take off work to driver her there (she doesnt have her license, made me believe she did at one time, then i found out she never had) anyhow, we get there and the office saiid they didnt take her insurance for that procedure... .So she looked at me for 500 dollars... I was a 26 year old with a house and two kids, i didnt have 500 dollars just laying around. So we left, she then jumped me for buying my 6 year old a netbook (for getting straight A's) and how dare i do that for her and not whip out my Credit card for her dentist! so she started screaming at me and said she wanted out of the car (while driving) she opened the door and said she was going to jump out! so i braked and pulled over, she then started the walking up the road, attempting to call her dad... eventually i slowly followed her asking her to get back in the car... .and eventually she did, and convinced me to use my credit card for her procedure! I had so many mixed feelings about that, my head was like What the heck but i was made to feel bad about it. Now that was early on. 

She then had a blow out with her sister and she called me telling me she had to move in with me. I had an hour notice that she was moving in with me... .She had no where else to go, and i couldnt expect her to stay at her dad's while pregnant (he lives in a small run down shack in the middle of nowhere). well... .She moved in. then she just took over the house, i was a mess of emotions and i started to get easily irritated with her. After that, she was super emotional... .pregnant and sometimes straight mean. we were in a disagreement, and she jumped on me, and just started PUNCHING away! So i left MY house and went to my mom's. eventually i came home and she said i needed to be a man about it! she cried some but wouldnt apologize.

years went on, and anytime i would disagree or get upset with something she told me i needed medicated... .I was the only one working, and paying all bills, while still helping with house work and the kids... She did do most house work, and she learned to cook well, and really pushed good healthy foods... That was nice (something i miss). anyhow eventually i was convinced to get medicated (celexa)... My family was pissed, my brother was so upset and just kept telling me i was an idiot for that. my mother didnt really say in those types of words, she was more on the "are you sure about this" train.

Well after awhile i was just not happy... .she was constantly online, usually facebook... .and i felt completely neglected, my job was on the fritz and i needed support. But i didnt get any... I just got "what about me's" sex ceased for months, and she was just up all night online. Eventually i noticed she was talking alot about another man. Come to find out, she had been talking to him all this time. I tried in so manyh ways to express my concerns, but they would just become arguments, and she would scream and push (in front of my children) well that was the last straw! i will not be slandered and pushed down in front of my kids. So i kicked her out, i had her get an apartment through section8. once she got in there i asked if we could go to counseling because we had so much at stake. Perhaps that should have been done early on. but it wasnt.

Well turns out she was immediately with the facebook guy... .While stringing me along, saying maybe someday we can fall in love again... .im not writing off getting back together. Then there was another BAD blowout, I went to pick up my daughter from her apartment, and she asked why my family and friends are coming over more, and said i was playing a victim... She tried to pull my daughter out of my arms, screaming that i cant take her without custody papers and she was calling the cops, my daughter was crying... .So i just looked her in the eye and said "what are you going to tell them? that her dad is picking her up?" needless to say, i called a lawyer friend and he written up some papers ( i told her and she flipped out and said there is no chance of reconcile now!" What? you said this!

Yet she was already having this guy over. Telling me they talk on a regular basis etc... .Well after 3 or 4 months, i just said screw it. Im done fighting, im done trying to get her to see the faults she had. So i started counseling myself. Its been 10 months since the split now. I did go LC, just to regain my sanity.

So now, i sit here still reading these sites, still feeling horrible that my kids are going through this yet again. Our daughter has really been acting out, and even makes things up to get attention. She is Officially with another man, and yet sometimes still tries to pull the "we need to be friends card" and then says nice things, like "im finally going to get my license, my dad had been helping me but not as good a teacher as you!" She tried many time in the last 10 months to string me in, but i just couldnt open up fully because she strung me along, and wouldnt go to counseling with me nor apologize for any of the messed up things.

so here i am, asking if anyone has ever been through something like this? All i ever wanted was to have a good loving family, a loving partner and happy children. It kills me to hear our daughter say "i want mom to come home" 

[jammo1989]

Hey M and M, I dont know how much you understand about Cluster Bs in general, but lets assume, you have no idea what just happened and your looking for answers. 

We can get all technical regarding the actions of Cluster Bs, trust me we ALL know whats it was like, we question and analyse every word and every action they did as a means to reach our own closure. In hindsight to all this there's only 2 specific things we need to remind our selves, these are as follows:

She has a personality disorder, she is mentally ill, would you try and have an argument or at least have a logical conversation with someone in a mental institute? no you wouldn't you would run as far a way as you could from there, treat this person just like one of those.

ATTENTION! Everything she did and everything she said was for her own validation, and in order to receive that she had to feed off your emotions, she just like other BPD/HPD have an extremely low self esteem, in basic terms they feel worthless, so in order to combat this they latch onto the attachment that at that time is giving them the most attention. Lets play the role of your ex here for a moment.

Your ex: "Oh my god, that Steve is so cool, I think hes into me you know, and hes kind of cute, just saying"

Your now playing the game, in her head you MUST show emotion and fight for her, you need to reassure her that you WONT leave her.

"Whos Steve? if he even looks at you again ill rip his head off!" 

By giving the above response you have validated her by saying, you are MINE and i WONT let anybody else have YOU, thats what shes after validation and to get this from you she must involve others to trigger the desired response. IF like I did ignore her pathetic triggers of potential jealousy from you, she will step it until you respond how she wants you to, this is done in the hope she can control the situation shes in and to keep the attention on her.  When you don't respond she may say something like:

"Steve invited me out for food, hes such a nice guy, he even booked us a table at a posh restaurant"

(See where im going with all of this?)

As for your daughter, she is merely mirroring the behavior of your ex, she is playing up because she probably feels no body is listening to her, she obviously wants contact and for her mum to reconnect with you, but in reality what she doesnt understand is that your ex is probably a Cluster B and that your exes behavior is actually something you and your daughter need to avoid before it becomes learned behavior. 

It doesnt matter how confused they leave us, how much they hurt you, you just need to keep telling yourself I will NOT emphasize or try to understand the behavior of a disordered individual and I know that the stupid games are for attention and attention only, love doesnt even come into the equation, we were all a means to an end, my ex stringed me along just like yours, they run to avoid responsibility, they also NEED a safe crash landing by falling into the arms of someone else, and guess what happens then? this is the important part.

They run to the next guy and they make sure ALL the attention is still on her, she does this by painting you black telling the new guy how bad you treated her and you never listened to her needs and that she is soo happy she met this new guy, what does this lead to?

Attention - All eyes on her she can run her mouth without being shot down and the guy will listen

Validation- Im not like your ex, i promise, Im a great guy, I will protect you, your my girlfriend now and I wont let anybody come in between us.

As you can see her Narcissistic supply is now being replenished oh and if it makes you feel better, SHE DOES NOT LOVE THE NEW GUY! she is using him because he is the one who is giving her the most attention at this specific time, she has learnt from a young age that manipulation is whats needed in order to gain the attention that she never had in childhood.

Hope that helps    

               

[m-and-m]

WOW... .I seriously thought that there would be no one out there who has just experienced what i just had... .I have come to realize alot of these things, never really had anyone to actually relate with though. Anyhow, yes you are correct... i did the same thing, and im sure the new guy did as well. I have heard all the horrible things her ex before me had done and said. The same game was played on me. When her and i got together, my latest ex got with hers... .that played two years for them, after my exBPD and i split, my brother ran into my nonex and she text me that night. we hung out for awhile as friends and it was really nice. She had told me all the things her ex had said about my exBPD, and alot were the same in my story.

then... .this was so damn nice... .my nonex went on to tell me that the relationship her and i had was probably one of the best she has ever had. that she will guarantee me that i was not the problem in my last relationship. It felt good to hear that from someone who i had been with. That night i felt great. finally, after hearing how everything that went wrong in my BPD relationship was my fault... and how i needed medicated, and how i need to man up when she hit me etc... .

my biggest issue now, is that i dont want my daughter to be like this... And how i need to create a new picture for my future... My ex knows how much family means to me, she knows how much i strive to be a good father, and im scared to death that she will come at with this someday.

[jammo1989]

WOW... .I seriously thought that there would be no one out there who has just experienced what i just had... .I have come to realize alot of these things, never really had anyone to actually relate with though. Anyhow, yes you are correct... i did the same thing, and im sure the new guy did as well. I have heard all the horrible things her ex before me had done and said. The same game was played on me. When her and i got together, my latest ex got with hers... .that played two years for them, after my exBPD and i split, my brother ran into my nonex and she text me that night. we hung out for awhile as friends and it was really nice. She had told me all the things her ex had said about my exBPD, and alot were the same in my story.

then... .this was so damn nice... .my nonex went on to tell me that the relationship her and i had was probably one of the best she has ever had. that she will guarantee me that i was not the problem in my last relationship. It felt good to hear that from someone who i had been with. That night i felt great. finally, after hearing how everything that went wrong in my BPD relationship was my fault... and how i needed medicated, and how i need to man up when she hit me etc... .

my biggest issue now, is that i dont want my daughter to be like this... And how i need to create a new picture for my future... My ex knows how much family means to me, she knows how much i strive to be a good father, and im scared to death that she will come at with this someday.

The way they manipulate is by using your own weaknesses against you, you need to make sure that your daughter is not used as a weapon to hurt you.  For example:

Cant you see how much youve upset our daughter?

Our daughter misses me and its YOUR fault!

She will use these terms yet again to provoke a reaction from you, testing to see if you still care enough in her eyes, in other words she wants you to be her door mat.  You need to create a safe environment for your daughter make sure she socializes with as many normal people as possible, start taking her to clubs that she may see as a future hobby, make sure she spends a lot of time and her grand parents, the last thing you want is to cut her off from normality all because you have let this person back in your life.