The feeling of guilt still lingers - right now more than ever

[misty_red]

You know why I still switch from „It was her BPD“ to „It is all my fault, I hurt her badly because of my aspergers.“ and the other way round? It’s all so ___ed up…

I do have my problems with attachment and abandonment, with engulfment and stuf fas well… So sometimes I just don’t know what’s right and wrong anymore… I’m detaching and I can feel it but I can’t shake this stupid feeling off of guilt. It doesn’t really have to do with her but with me and my past, my upbringing and my condition.

In the beginning she was all in my face. She was the one to frist kiss me all over the place and I felt so overwhelmed. She didn’t know about the aspergers yet. There was a situation right in the beginning. This was the first weekend we were a couple. From Friday at Saturday I slept at hers, we were out partying. At Saturday she had a date with some work colleagues in the city and wanted to go partying. It didn’t bother me . I actually needed some time for myself, some time to rest. I’m always like that especially if I’m new into relationship. I need to process this first. So I went home. That night she wrote me that her friends are already gone and they didn’t want to stay any longer in the city and that they were boring. She asked me if I would come partying. That was the first time I did something I actually didn’t feel ready/good about. I mean, I wanted to, I wanted to see her and be with her but I knew I didn’t have enough energy. But I also didn’t want to disappoint her. So I drove in the city and we went out partying. While partying I had a shutdown. Too much stimuli, to much things too process. My face turned blank, emotionless, I told her I needed to get ouf here and so we did. She was concerned but I couldn’t tell her that night what happened but I knew I needed to tell her soon. I told her about the aspergers a week later. I was so afraid of telling her but she took it very positively. Then there was the first red flag I couldn’t really see: „She said. Believe, I can be much worse.“. I didn’t believe her. All my life I have hated me for being autistic, no way there would be someone weirder and worse than me. She was very considerate about my condition. I have to say I’m high functioning, so you won’t always even recognizethe autism. You do, if you get to know me better and longer though. There were always some problems I had but I told her right from the beginning what kind of behaviour would occur and that she shouldn’t take it personally. For example: I never could put my arm around her when saying welcome to her. I could not exchange physical touch in the first hour when we were meeting. I could not look her in the eye. After that hour it was fine. She knew that, I had told her about it and even tried to put my arm around her, to look her in the eye because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I really worked on myself.

When I got the silent treatment the first time I was very confused.I didn’t know what to do, also with the push/pull behaviour. I told her that she just needed to tell me how I should react. I would never know how to approach a situation properly or not. And I mean even for a non it is difficult. So I always was straight forward with her. I told her she should talk openly about the things she didn’t like, if I hurt her of if she felt the need again to withdraw. I never took it personally, I never was angry at/with her, I knew how it felt like having the need to withdraw. I just wanted her to tell me.

But that’s the point where it all boiled down. BPDs are not known for talking about their problems, for talking about hwat’s going on. I think this relationship was doomed from the beginning because I couldn’t read her properly – okay, it is difficult, even for a non but yeah, whatever. She also couldn’t manipulate me because I never knew how to react/respond anyway. I know now that she tried to manipulate me, after the FOG has lifted, but I actually never behaved the way I should have in her eyes. I think that’s also the point why she painted me black big time in the end. So it’s not really that she manipulated me which bugs me. It actually is that I couldn’t have reacted properly in her eyes in the beginning and I guess she exactly knows that. She knows about my insecurity of my aspergers. That I had always problems with reacting properly to people and that I always felt not being human because of the aspergers. And in the end she used that. She left me with the exact feeling: it’s my fault because I’m an asperger. In the end when it got dirty, when I got the final discard she exploited all of my insecurities, I even pointed it out because I couldn’t take it anymore and then she blanky said „I’m just pointing out the unadorned truth.“ She knew about all of these insecurities, I even told her in the beginning that I was afraid of not really being a good person.

So she actually has a reason to blame this on me, to paint me black. Maybe she’s right after all.

I’m really struggling. Because on the other hand I think being straight honest with her from the beginning was a good thing. I always made an effort to explain every single situation why I behaved this and that way and she was always fine with it in the beginning. She herself never even made an attempt to explain what was happening with her. Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe she wasn’t as conscious about her condition as I was with mine. I don’t know. But what I know is that I NEVER abused her.

This ist he last straw why I can’t let go fully. She’s not in my life anymore and that’s a good thing. But theguilt is eating me away.

I knew from the beginning about her condition. She didn’t even need to tell me. I grew up with a borderline, I suffered all my childhood years because of that. I should’ve known better, I actually KNEW better and I let it happen anway. I could’ve spared us both many trouble.

Aspergers and BPD is just a toxic cocktail that doesn’t work AT ALL.

When I reached out to her in my goodbye letter I even apologized for all of this. I don’t know why I stell need her validation or the need to paint me white again. Not really because I miss the honeymoon period but to validate me as a good person. But why on earth am I seeking validation from a person that can’t even validate her own?