This is why we do NC

[Trog]

Anyone familiar with my back story will know I split from my BPDeW, she also had psychosis and has been sectioned now 5 times by force via the police and still refuses to acknowledge anything might be wrong. In any case, in May last year I thru her out of the house after another such episode which include physical violence on her part and name calling on mine. A few months later i moved countries.

Last week she contacted me and was telling me how depressed she was without me, that she wished i would come home and we could go to therapy, that she can't imagine to be with anyone else and that she was sorry for everything that had happened.

I fell for this, we begun chatting a little and this kind of sad story of depression continued. One evening I was out with a friend and I sent her initially a benign text that I couldn't understand if she felt that way and loved me why she didn't want to do anything about it, several hours passed, a drink or two was had and I sent a follow up basically saying she was either a liar or "a bit pathetic" not going for what she wants. She then blocks me on the phone and everywhere and doesn't speak to me.

Fast forward to this morning, I hadn't heard from her and wasn't sure if this was a cut-out or more games or what, so I straight up called (yes I know), I asked her outright why say all those things to me last week to now block me and not want to speak to me... .the answer... ."I don't know why I said those things"... .

Perfect. I feel completely played. She wanted to open healing wounds once more, test the water and then block me out the minute I said anything about the strange contact and now she doesn't even know why she said it! Awesome.

She had acted like she was at the point of suicide, in acute depression and wanted me to come home, she had told me she had a cancer scare and was very unwell which is a big hook for me and now... .oh... don't know why I said it. Plus she has the attitude of "why are you calling me, I blocked you".

The story in her mind is this, "nothing happened... .Trog woke up one day, chucked me out and moved country", that is what she told me had happened! Nothing about violence, police, sectionings, nothing.

I know I am crazy expecting anything more than crazy from a disordered person but it still hurts, it hurts because I believed she loved me and I thought maybe she was depressed and missing me. Why toy with a person like this, why go out of your way to sink them this line and then cruelly and coldly be like "I dont know why I said it".

Right now, I hate this person. I hate myself for knowing damned well how this works and falling into the trap to the point whereby she is now ignoring me! Im going to go and heal my wounds and carry on in therapy thank god it is tomorrow. Its a set back, it sucks, it hurts, but I just need to go back to focusing on me.

DONT DO IT! Dont go back into something with someone who has a proven track record of not caring for your feelings, who is careless with your heart.

[mitchell16]

thank you! great point. I think thats the main reason mine keeps trying with me. I had the last word, last say so and My last words was telling her to never contact me again. I went NC and I have not spoke or responded in anyway to her. My suspcion is if I did talk to her, repsond etc... she would lead me on, insult and then she would go NC. as a kinda of pay back or she wins type of thing. I dont want to have contact with her nothing good could come of it. But at times i am  curious why she keeps trying after i ignored all contact for almost 6 months. but all my curosity is not worth opening that pandora box. No way.

[CloseToFreedom]

I have gone through this multiple times between recycles. Its infuriating. Even as bad as coming over and spending the day with me and then deleting her out of my life for a few weeks again.

I don't know why I did put up with it. Let this be a (hard) lesson and remain NC!

[jhkbuzz]

Anyone familiar with my back story will know I split from my BPDeW, she also had psychosis and has been sectioned now 5 times by force via the police and still refuses to acknowledge anything might be wrong. In any case, in May last year I thru her out of the house after another such episode which include physical violence on her part and name calling on mine. A few months later i moved countries.

Last week she contacted me and was telling me how depressed she was without me, that she wished i would come home and we could go to therapy, that she can't imagine to be with anyone else and that she was sorry for everything that had happened.

I fell for this, we begun chatting a little and this kind of sad story of depression continued. One evening I was out with a friend and I sent her initially a benign text that I couldn't understand if she felt that way and loved me why she didn't want to do anything about it, several hours passed, a drink or two was had and I sent a follow up basically saying she was either a liar or "a bit pathetic" not going for what she wants. She then blocks me on the phone and everywhere and doesn't speak to me.

Fast forward to this morning, I hadn't heard from her and wasn't sure if this was a cut-out or more games or what, so I straight up called (yes I know), I asked her outright why say all those things to me last week to now block me and not want to speak to me... .the answer... ."I don't know why I said those things"... .

Perfect. I feel completely played. She wanted to open healing wounds once more, test the water and then block me out the minute I said anything about the strange contact and now she doesn't even know why she said it! Awesome.

She had acted like she was at the point of suicide, in acute depression and wanted me to come home, she had told me she had a cancer scare and was very unwell which is a big hook for me and now... .oh... don't know why I said it. Plus she has the attitude of "why are you calling me, I blocked you".

The story in her mind is this, "nothing happened... .Trog woke up one day, chucked me out and moved country", that is what she told me had happened! Nothing about violence, police, sectionings, nothing.

I know I am crazy expecting anything more than crazy from a disordered person but it still hurts, it hurts because I believed she loved me and I thought maybe she was depressed and missing me. Why toy with a person like this, why go out of your way to sink them this line and then cruelly and coldly be like "I dont know why I said it".

Right now, I hate this person. I hate myself for knowing damned well how this works and falling into the trap to the point whereby she is now ignoring me! Im going to go and heal my wounds and carry on in therapy thank god it is tomorrow. Its a set back, it sucks, it hurts, but I just need to go back to focusing on me.

DONT DO IT! Dont go back into something with someone who has a proven track record of not caring for your feelings, who is careless with your heart.

Trog, the one thought that I had as I read your post was that you are expecting her to be emotionally stable when BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation at its very core.  THEY don't even understand their own emotions - nevermind have the ability to regulate them.

Wondering why you're experiencing pain in your emotional interactions with a pwBPD is like banging your head against a brick wall and then wondering why your head is bleeding profusely.

[PaintedBlack28]

Trog,

I don't know, but it seems to me that you are treating her like an equal. you are trying to obtain something almost impossible, because she has a disorder.

I think she blocked you because she interpreted your text message as abusive.

When you called her I think you was talking to the detached protector. Look it up. Detached protector.

At one point her intentions may have been genuine, but the mental turmoil of the disorder precludes a positive outcome.

Best of luck!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sorry that you have had to learn this hard lesson.  I too fell for the bait and dump trick.  If you can find the strength within to concentrate on you and remain NC you will start the healing process.  Good luck and please keep us updated.

[Trog]

"Wondering why you're experiencing pain in your emotional interactions with a pwBPD is like banging your head against a brick wall and then wondering why your head is bleeding profusely."

That's pretty much it. And like the other replier said, I keep treating her like an equal mentally when she isn't capable. We had a lop-sided relationship really, everything she said went, she dominated me mentally and so now its so clear that actually she isnt my equal (when it comes to reasoning and emotions) its a very weird feeling to not give her credit in arguments. She bossed me throughout the relationship.

The text message was abusive and for sure she didn't like it, but the one prior wasnt and she ignored that too, its not the abusiveness of that text she resented it was me asking that genuine question, "if you feel that way then why arent you doing anything about it", that is what led to her feeling uncomfortable.

Although I have learnt about BPD thru these boards and dealing with my ex I have resisted learning more and more about the disorder because I didn't want to give "her or BPD" anymore of my life. However, this route looks like the long way round and I may heal faster actually understanding her disorder properly. This isnt the first time ive walked into a grenade with her push/pull.

[HappyNihilist]

Trog, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.   I know it's crazymaking and painful.

Although I have learnt about BPD thru these boards and dealing with my ex I have resisted learning more and more about the disorder because I didn't want to give "her or BPD" anymore of my life. However, this route looks like the long way round and I may heal faster actually understanding her disorder properly. This isnt the first time ive walked into a grenade with her push/pull.

I think you'll probably find it very helpful to learn more about BPD. Radical acceptance is key for detachment and healing. 

Trog, the one thought that I had as I read your post was that you are expecting her to be emotionally stable when BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation at its very core.  THEY don't even understand their own emotions - nevermind have the ability to regulate them.

Wondering why you're experiencing pain in your emotional interactions with a pwBPD is like banging your head against a brick wall and then wondering why your head is bleeding profusely.

^ This.

I don't know, but it seems to me that you are treating her like an equal. you are trying to obtain something almost impossible, because she has a disorder.

I think she blocked you because she interpreted your text message as abusive.

When you called her I think you was talking to the detached protector. Look it up. Detached protector.

At one point her intentions may have been genuine, but the mental turmoil of the disorder precludes a positive outcome.

^ Also this.

My exBPDbf was also very much dominant in our relationship, and it's been a difficult journey for me, too, in shedding myself of that and in accepting that he is not an emotional/mental equal.

Part of that is that he came across as so incredibly strong and capable and wise in the beginning. (When I would tell him so, he always replied that I was seeing myself, but I didn't come close to understanding until afterwards.) Part of it is that he's just really dominating and bossy.   Whatever the reasons, the result was the same - I saw him as equal or even "above me" in the relationship, and it was damn hard to reconcile this with the reality of his disorder.

Learning about BPD has helped me a lot in my healing journey. I hope it will do the same for you. 

[Aussie JJ]

Executive control:   (www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_functions)

Executive functions (also known as cognitive control and supervisory attentional system) is an umbrella term for the management (regulation, control) of cognitive processes,[1] including working memory, reasoning, task flexibility, and problem solving [2] as well as planning and execution.[3]The executive system is a theorized cognitive system in psychology that controls and manages other cognitive processes, such as executive functions. The prefrontal areas of the frontal lobe are necessary but not solely sufficient for carrying out these functions.[4]

Her thoughts are inconsistant, she goes from hot to cold instantaneously.  To her feelings are facts.  She will feel lonely isolated and lost, she reaches out.  Five minutes later she feels the opposite and your reply are seen as abusive, controlling, disrespectful of how she is feeling at that point in time.  Back in control and superior as she has a response... .Who knows... .

Don't hate her for who she is, understand and accept it. 

Have you read the workshop n Radical acceptance ... .  For me, accepting that this is who she is works better than anything else.  No contact is for us, tool to separate us from the dysfunction and allow us to avoid playing those games and loyalty power struggles that a pwBPD engages in to have control.  It isnt to punish them or make them feel bad (although it certainly has an effect) it is to separate us from those behaviours to gain our own perspective back. 


AJJ. 

[Suzn]

The text message was abusive and for sure she didn't like it, but the one prior wasnt and she ignored that too, its not the abusiveness of that text she resented it was me asking that genuine question, "if you feel that way then why arent you doing anything about it", that is what led to her feeling uncomfortable.

And this is key. Asking genuine questions and seeing another person become uncomfortable is as simple as it gets. It doesn't matter if there's a label attached. If anyone shows this flag then a re-evaluation of a relationship is warranted.

I didn't want to give "her or BPD" anymore of my life.

This is a very valuable statement, don't discount this. Yes, it's good to know about this disorder and others as well, such as narcissism. However, when you become diligent about your recovery and dig into why you stayed with someone who "ran the whole relationship" you will become more and more self aware. With that awareness there is a welcome side effect, you will begin to see the flags in others more clearly. I have no problem saying that's a promise.